innercatalyst

[innercatalyst]

Nature // Phone Lockscreens

[innercatalyst]

To my baby!

Hi baby,

I wish mommy is strong enough to keep you. 🥰 Mommy's feeling tired, mommy's all fatigued having you in my belly kasi nga hormonal changes tayo baby. I dont know if you're a girl or boy. I've been thinking to keep you pero kawawa tayo nak, daddy has his own family. Daddy is supportive naman, he never forced me for abortion baby. Pero baby, sana maintindhan mo. Di pa kaya ng mommy. 😢 Kung kaya ko na, I will keep you and fly tayo NY. But mommy is tired. Gusto muna kita makita before kita bitawan. We'll meet soon anak 😚 Love ka ng mommy and daddy.

[innercatalyst]

Been working my ass off these past few weeks. It was really hard, frustrating and all that. I really thank my cna’s for helping me out. I did had a lot of things going on. My patient needs a urine sample, my patient needs her catheter be re inserted, my patient’s colostomy bag is leaking and i have to take stool samples like crazy. I have to order hella stat labs and xrays. The last one was really so depressing and  I dont even know what to do. The nurse with me is new and every time we’re together, something really happens. My patient had a hardtime breathing and I gave her something for asthma. 2 puffs and also nebulizer every 4 hours. I didn’t call kaiser after hours when it happened, since she verbalized relief but then i really have to do something about it. I assessed the lung sound tho. I already know it was wheeze but I asked my friend to be with me knowing my friend didnt had any experience with it but she studied here. I was expecting she knows. I could’ve just asked ate grace to be with me instead, she’s more experienced than us. She also wanted me to get an o2 stat. But I still have to go to the room which is way to station 4. It was so depressing and almost time to go home. I still have to do coc documentation. She also asked me to have dr. smith see the patient and all that but fck. It says there <90% of o2 sat for oxygen. That’s why i didn’t give o2. I really wish delila did it for me. I couldn’t stay there longer since wtho is behind me looking at what im doing and judging me and everything and i’m like. you studied here and you even worked right after and maybe too, she was trained good and all that. compared to me, i dont really know anything. This is my first job as a nurse, I graduated like 5 years ago. I dont even know how to fcking do careplan. Freaking coc’s and shit. I don’t even get it. I dont even get it working here. Being a floater is not really easy. I am definitely tired or maybe I should really look for another job which is better for me. I always work by myself and I always figure things out on my own. It was really hard.

[innercatalyst]

Life as a nurse

If you go thru my page, few months or years ago I'm depressed financially, im restless working my ass off just to pay bills and im having self low esteem since I failed my nclex pn before. I prayed hard and worked hard to reach where I am right now. I am working as an lvn and looking forward to be an rn and currently financially stable. It was a tough process. I just quit my manufacturing job. I've been restless for almost a month. Only 7 hours of sleep for 4 days. Im tired. Im currently practicing my degree. It was hard and depressing too. I always wanted to be a good nurse but sometimes I really wanted to give up. Earlier my patient died in my arms. It was so hard for me to cope on this one. I know myself and it would take me 3 weeks or more before I recover. I tried my everything to give him the best I can but he gave up on me. I visited him more often. I tried offering him foods or drink but I dont want him to suffer anymore. I really wanted to cry earlier, seeing him in pain and everything. He's trying to talk to me but I dont know what he's talking about. He doesn't speak english at all. He hasn't eaten for 3 days and dont want to take his medications in the afternoon. I cant sleep right now, thinking how can I move on with what happened. Seeing his family members mourn on his bed. They kept on asking me why i didn't give any when the sugar was low, its because he's dying. He looked me in the eyes and says no. He's begging. He's tired. But on the counterpart I should've did something. It was hard to cope. I dont really know where to start. I pretend to be flat face and everything but its really hurting me inside. RIP Mr. Z.

#nurse #lvn #lifeasnurse

[innercatalyst]

I am having these thoughts, actually like a come back. Like i just dont want to see people. I dont want to share any of my feelings to them anymore. I just wanna be dead right now.

I had so much for the past year. And i see good things coming up but i still feel im a failure in my life and i cannot undo things anymore and i dont want to face it.

[innercatalyst]

Grateful

I am so grateful to God for everything I have right now. I might seem to have some problems financially but I still get through it. I am really thanking God for not leaving me. I know I passed the exam and just waiting. But I know there will be obstacles along my path of success. Money, people who wont support me and negative comments about me. But you know, nobody is perfect.. EVERYBODY HAD DIFFERENT KIND OF PROBLEMS. What matters is how you handle it and how you will survive! Cheers!

[innercatalyst]

EXAM!

Upcoming LVN slash LPN exam in two weeks! I didnt had enough time to review actually. I’m currently procrastinating right now. Pero i’m really feeling something different. Something special. I know I’m going to pass this exam kahit self review. Baka nga 75 or 85 mamatay na yung computer ko sa sobrang pasado ko. LMAO pero iba yung feeling tho. wala ako maalala tlg sa mga inaral ko HAHAHA goodluck sa akin. BAHALA NA!

[innercatalyst]

Letting Go

I had to let go my feelings of him. I never knew I really loved him that much when I felt really hurt with what he has done. Which he had his girlfriend pregnant again. I know, I have no rights to complain about it. I am just disappointed with how I trusted and choose him over my real boyfriend. But God really proved that he's not the guy for me and I have to forget him and my feelings i had for him. It was just all part of my fantasy AGAIN! I am grateful that I met him, Ive known myself more and grew a little bit on how I should handle my life.

[innercatalyst]

He was the guy I planned to wake up with. Yung taong mamahalin ko sa huli pero may mali eh. Sabi nga niya ayaw ko siya makitang masaya. Ayoko lang maging masaya siya sa iba. Gusto ko ako lang. Pero hindi sapat ito. I dont see him as the guy na magiging loyal sa akin. I dont see myself grow with him. Magkaiba kami. Totally different kind of person. 1yr narin mahigit nong magkakilala kami. I have changed. He has changed. I gave him my all kahit ayaw ko. Nasira ako. Pero kahit ganon, sa huli.. siya parin yung pinipili kong tulungan kasi alam ko balang araw babalik rin naman yon sa akin. Hindi naman ako nangarap ng akin lang. Nangarap din ako sa kasiyahan nya. Suko na ako. Pakiramdam ko ayaw sa amin ng tadhana. Hanggang dito nalang kami. Pigilan ko nalang tong damdamin ko at kahibangan ko tutal hindi naman kami bagay. Gagalitin ko nalang sya to the point na... siya na mismo ang susuko sa akin. Mas gugustuhin ko nalang makita yung ganon na sitwasyon kaysa ako pa yung tuluyang lumayo.

[innercatalyst]

Im not being hopeful to be that girl you wanted to be with for the rest of your life or to be that girl you wanted to marry. I just simply wanna be that girl who puts a smile on your face during your sleepless, tired and sick days. Be that girl who supports you from the things you wanted to do in your life, give you a hand when you need it, build you up when you’re feeling down. I may joke around with how you write, how you speak or how you spell, despite of your imperfections I showed everyone, I stayed and loved u to all my extent as a human being. I may get jealous and insecure at times, say bad things or make u feel guilty of things i haven’t see. Who wouldn’t, right?! But I’ve put my trust in you. Its always up to your actions and decisions and I have no control of the things you wanted to do. And I actually dont expect anything in return. I dont give myself high hopes. Im always contented every time I see u laugh and smile. I am happy. I’m also glad you came in to my life not only as a fucking buddy but as my own family, best friend, enemy and brother. Thanks for putting up with my stubborness! Love u!

[innercatalyst]

Looking forward to these days. I’ve been so stressed, tired and sick of these things my life is gaining. Im gaining so much burden and sadness over my shoulder. I tried not to deliver myself over the darkness, I turn my back and look for the light. I know one day, everything will be normal. I’ll be at peace.

#museemecanique #sf #sanfrancisco

[innercatalyst]

magsisikap ako. taenang buhay to. di ako susuko. life is nothig without all the challenges in life.

[innercatalyst]

Self review

Im about to take my nclex pn exam on september 11. i am so nervous. i am so excited too. its still a long way and i hope i can make it. i hope i can make this self review.

[innercatalyst]

Goals

This may sound weird but really my goal is to win that LOTTO with the mega jackpot of a $300+ Million. I have so much plans with that money. I wanted to buy my own business. My own house. I wanna be a part of UNICEF. I wanna become that tycoon person in business industry and get back to those people who've helped me and help those people in need. People says money isnt the answer when it comes to helping. I know that. But for me money can do a lot of things. Money could change lives. You can build free houses to those who doesnt have their own. Its a big help for them. Honestly, right now im struggling through finances. But im really aiming to get the lotto jackpot. I know im weird but im serious. But still i wont forget what kind of person I am. I aint forgetting my profession. I am still a nurse and forever by heart.

[innercatalyst]

Comfort

Im seeing his comfort again and again and over again. I know its hard for me to adjust. Im really having a hard time, i cant stop thinking about his comfort. I cannot guarantee anything for him. I cannot give him any comfort, its going to be hella hard for us if i still continue this feeling i have for him. He never pays attention to how i feel, for who i am. Even i told him about it a lot of times the things that I like and I dont like. It was so hard for me to live day by day in this kind of situation. I cant put up anymore. I just wanna diappear and not hurting at the same time. If only i can go back before, I shouldve stop. I should’ve stopped myself from being locked in and being hurt. I should’ve protect myself from anything harm like this. It is so hard for me. Im almost giving up. Konting konti nalang mag ggive up na ako. Pag wala padin akong progress na nakikita i ggive up ko na to. Kesa naman sa ako pa yung mahirapan sa huli. Lahat na ginawa ko, tinry ko. Sinubukan ko, sinugal ko lahat pero hindi nya nakikita kasi sarili lang nya ung nakkta na. Pagod na ako. I should’ve give it up and hindi nalang sana ako bumalik. I deserve someone who loves me of me. And would do anything for me. Not for any crap like this. He never sees me, things ive done for him. I should’ve make myself quiet then. Im still on that cliff of giving him up. I cant seem to see myself being with this person. Everytime he says something about us or our future I dont really get hold on to it. One time he promised me to go to chef chu or whatever restaurant shit is that and i told him yea until i waited for almost a year for it to happen, it never happened. i know! sino ba naman ako para pag aksayahan ng ganun. im like, okay. sguro nga hindi ako yung taong gusto nya makasama his whole life. he was just sugar coating things to make me feel happy and comfortable. im so sorry, pero konti pa.. bibitawan na tlg kta.

[innercatalyst]

Hi

Hi, Its me. Im that person who’s awake at 5am crying about this guy. Its not because he hurt me or something. I am crying over how things get complicated each day. How things I wanted to be this way but cant. I was holding on to changes but I only see things the way it is. That no matter how hard I try.. I will just be that person whom nobody wanted to be with. I am actually on that spot of depriving myself with the privilege to live my life with this person. Both of us were in a relationship. I have this long distance relationship with my boyfriend who isn’t around with me. One reason why I have this person with me and fell in love with him. I tried guys, I tried. Then he’s living with his current or second baby mama right now. He’s also married with his first baby mama but filed divorce and still on the process. He lied couple of times. But I always remember things. Fuck this brain bruh. My memories are way way way 1965 ancient and strong. I am fucking gifted. Anyways going back.. I am thinking about his comfort lately that’s why I am here writing about it. He’s used to her ways of living, they sleep together, they got a kid, they both take care of him, he’s used with how they cook their food and he liked it, he’s close to her brothers, sisters, aunts, uncle and cousins. they hang out, they drink and me just right there hoping that i could do the same thing for him but i cant offer him anything. my relatives are way different, they have different lives, they're all dramatic! i got no brothers or sisters.. i only have friends with me. i cant offer anything to him. we are not the same. we never had anything in common. Maybe he's sticking on me because Im becoming a nurse. I can give him all the material things he wanted. I am so confused with everything right now. Maybe he really didnt love me and he is just pretending. Maybe not all things will really turn out the way we wanted it to be.

#relationshit

[innercatalyst]

Thoughts

Here I am thinking about moments to moments where I am looking for faults in our relationship so I could have something to blame about but in short.. I just wanna end our relationship so bad. I love him so much and wanted to give him my whole self but trying to look at some points I have done so much wrongs to him which makes me want to end this relationship. I am not sure, maybe I just dont want to be lonely. It is hard to see him sad everytime I talk to him being mad with simple things. Im no longer that sweet girlfriend he had anymore. We were just on headphones and talking to each other. We used to laugh at small things and get jealous about something or someone but right now everything went cold, everything went plain and that's because of me. I am really eager of breaking up with him but im still choosing not to because im afraid. I wish I could be like those kids who were brave enough to end their long distance relationship just like that. I always felt like what if he was right for me but I chose to let him go because im afraid what if he wasnt the right one for me? It was definitely twisted but those were my questions in my head. Too much thinking..