intothemiddleofnowhere

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

24 October 2023

Hello there

It has been a while.

Now im so ready for my flight to Canada. Surprise.

Since our last catchup, I got an internship at PwC, found my passion, kicked out of that, tried something else in Finance industry and realised I hated it so soooooo much (luckily I knew, wont spend time and effort to chase that dream anymore, its just not for me).

I got pretty much whatever I ever wanted in Vietnam: a lovely job in CBD (in front of US consulate :))) that I would really consider to be my career path, a decent social life with my best friend and other close ones next to me, close to family (mum can visit, but always notify me first, and I dont have to worry about her flights ever). Busy as ever but still have a little time for myself. From the bottom of my heart I know I wanna go, but life was too good to think about, so I postponed. Until universe acted.

At least I will never have to ask myself the question "what would life would be if I moved back to Vn and surround myself by loved ones?". I did that. It was amazing. But its time to go.

I do agree that universe is weird, but in a way to ensure we're where we are supposed to be. I saw the signs, I ignored that, and got kicked hard. I accepted to believe whatever I saw, and universe has been treating me very well. I am actually very curious what you are laying ahead for me in Canada. Never thought that one day I would leave for that country. For me Canada is very very far away, its like US and its friends. Before May 2023, it was only a glimpse of thought of Canada as a getaway when I have no hope with Aus (that hope is still there :))) all roads lead to Rome, slow but sure for my immigrant journey to Aus. I wouldn't be where I am today without Aus - my second home country (want to be homeland, but Aus refused me)

hm, Im actually not sure. Maybe I belong to Canada, not Aus. I will see what happen next, and decide later. This time I will not make that mistake. I will not be the one who left again. I will fight for whatever I want, and fight really hard for that. 22 years-old girl can be indecisive to let the opportunities pass, but I will not. Fortunately I have seen the life I love (I was there honestly), and def will reach that as soon as possible.

i am still applying and waiting for visa now. Things have been going very smoothly. I am scared. Sometimes I just want to be that 19 year-old girl again. She was brave, fearless, knew exactly she's where she's supposed to be, moving forward. She went to new country with pretty much nothing in her hands, but was very excited everyday. And she fights very hard for what she loves, got the life we all fantasy about. Now I am scared that I would disappoint myself. I dont want to disappoint that 19 years-old girl. I made a list of things to do, reconnect with old friends, reached a few people, getting to know the tax system, looked at the university I would want to study later. But I still feel like its not enough. Hope that next catchup I would have the answer for this question.

At the end of the day, I just want to be happy and feel enough, and be surrounded by loved ones. I got the second part in Vietnam, but never got the first one here. Always feel like something is missing. I just quickly thought that If I can be happy anytime in Aus, why not be happy in Canada? or anywhere else I end up at?

P/s: its so good to write in english, this is still my first language haha.

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

22 march 2021

exactly a year since the day I left Australia and still miss it everyday.

It took a while to let things go. Even until now. Every now and then, whenever I stand in a skyscraper, looking down to get a view of the whole city below, I always remember our promise to work in the CBD and take each other to lunch every day. Anyway I am excited that I already fulfilled this wish way ahead you, even in my first intern in your country (where you get all the advantages :))) such a shame lol. And of course, I would definitely land a good job in district 1 in HCMC, which is way huger than Brisbane, even than your dream city-Melbourne. 

ok not talking about dead person anymore. I am becoming happier and happier everyday when receiving mail for job interview in HCMC, even though I would not pick any of them until I graduate. Cant wait. cant wait to start a new life in a city that I’ve been missing so much since day 1 in Australia. I know that almost everything I want, everything I need will be there. Hm or somewhere else. But I need HCMC to be such a good base first.

In recent months, I lost both Finn and Nick. What a tragic. this hurts WAY MORE  than a breakup. I stopped crying since day 3 after break up. But Finn left me and I still cry every time I think about him. I think I would not raise any pets at all after this. Finn took my heart with him . I dont know why he gotta go, and who made him. He sure doesnt wanna go since his eye kept being opened until we buried him in my aunt’s garden. I love you so so much Finn, Nick. Be back to me soon baby. Im waiting for you.

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

nothing lasts forever -29/7/2020

Hello,

it has been a while since our last catchup.

So

We did break up, 3pm 17/7/2020 (Brisbane time, GMT +10 -where things started happily, but not ended happily)

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

Didn’t we almost have it all?

You’re right, thats the name of last episode of grey’s anatomy season 3. But that pretty much sums up what I’ve been through this year.

So by the middle of march 2020, I have a bf, owning such a happily and freely excited social life w my great friends and my closest-ever housemates, doing an internship with a city council (I know it is a council, it sounds so amazing in my dream, even now) in a country that is 5000 miles away from my manipulative mum. My future is shine and bright, in my opinion. Then covid-19 outbreak came, and i gave up most of them just to be back to my hometown in my home country. And I lose all, well most of them honestly. I broke up, stuck in my house w mum for more than 5 months now (and will be until the end of this year at least), barely see any friends cause they’re all busy w their lives, unemployed, doing nothing since nothing interests me, not able to move to another city because of the second wave, even not want to either go run or go outside.

Well I couldnt say I will not thank myself enough about my decisions back then, in march 2020. But right now, at this moment, I hate that girl for making such a stupid one. Maybe i will be grateful to myself for this after all, but I cant say something till i got through it. I never hope time to fly fast, but this time I DO, freaking do.

8th august 2020, in bed w a milk tea to heal my lost soul even though i dont know where it comes.

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

Truth released

I think I was wrong. I am in love. I dont think it will change. I did have more free time then, therefore, more time for stupid thoughts. Now I am so busy, even do not have time to talk. I truly appreciate the time we have been together. Or because i am lazy to find partner again? Time will answer this.

So excited to fly home tomorrow. Such good escape.

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

I’m not sure what I feel now

I don’t know what I should write here. However, as I read on the internet, writing might be the method to keep me less wondering myself about these things. I have been thinking about it for a while, keep reminding me why I started, and how happy we were, how you have been spot a huge place in my heart before.

 Yes, the word before. I not cheat on you. And I am proud of that, but I know that day would come soon if we not break up. I like you. So much. Since we started. Until now. Still happen I think

 But I am NEVER in love with you. I keep asking myself this questions since the start of everything. You have been very nice guys, not that meaning I swear. You have all the personalities I am looking for as a husband. Just not as a bf. You look after at me, give in space in bed, warm me up every time I take shower, even warm up my space in bed, cook for me, drive me to places I like, being patient to me even though sometimes I don’t think even I couldn’t do that to myself. But you did. You also say I love you a few times per week, trying to boost my confidence and happiness. And we rarely argue, gladly saying. But one thing I never could lie to myself. I couldn’t fall in love with you, even I have forced myself. Omg I want to cry so much now, wish you were here to stop me.

 It always happen. I mean this question. When. Will. We. Break. Up.

I know it hurts. I would try a few more days to see it could help or not. I would make a documents writing about what I like and dislike about you. Honestly, I think the like one would be much longer. Hopefully it could be useful. Tbh I don’t think I would help. Though I always nearly cry every time I think about this, it must happen soon. I cant even say I love you back as I think it’s a lie, and I don’t want to hurt you, or me, or I would say US.

From deep down bottom of my heart. Hopefully you never see this.

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

7/10/2018

Hi,

such long time, not checked it yet but I guess the most previous update from me on Tumblr was around a year ago, sorry, maybe 8 months ago, right after our very first date (I stop counting ages ago as It is uncountable since we officially set the relationship), while I was stuck with my exams (and failed two of them, anw, let it go).

listening to happier now, only feel the lyrics so catchy, but cannot understand it. I have a weird feeling that wen people is too happy (i mean positive side) they tend to forget other things might make them sad

Thats me now. Although I am almost killed by the assignments (btw guess who made it to uni hehe), I still feel excited at meeting you soon <3 (such an honour to say that you, in this case, refers to my bf <3 (cant stop smiling when thinking of you <3 ) 

the feeling now is excellent as I have not written anything about me in these 6 months except endless assignments (another one of finance 1 due at midnight tmr but still keen on writing something). Since I realize that Tumblr is where I tell my sad stories, however, lots of things happen in this year, a year full of the-very-first-time things. I am still lazy to write, I’m so sorry for that. I would try to keep the habit of writing some small-but-happy pieces of my life now. I know it might not be perfect, but I am so satisfied for sure.

Honestly, might assignment just asked me when i plan to come back to it lol. Guess i really need to do it now. Will try to give a extremely detailed update of my life later. 

All the best. I love you <3

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

04/02/2018

Hi there

it's April now

we official in a relationship

he did ask yesterday, near the ferry, near the fabulous restaurants on eagle street. My heart stopped for a sec, and I said nothing. Until now

I thought it was just an April Fool Prank. However, in my mind, I consider we now are an overhappy couple <3

Today, for the very first time I feel something strange to me

we went to Nandos today, near your house. That moment, when we sit there, waiting for them to prepare the takeaway food. You in front of me. Blue T-shirt. Blue eyes. Beamed brightly at me. looks exactly like sunshine. The way you made me laugh out loud. The way you smile. your curly eyelash (well not really curly but I still find it truly attractive). every word you said. My heart skipped a beat. several beats. That's when I knew I already fall in love with you. you’re too damn handsome through my eyes in the sunshine

funny things is I’ve been dating you more than two months, and for the very first time my heart skipped a beat just because of your smile

#love #R 

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

01/29/2018

Heyyyy Tomorrow is the first day of exam week can can't believe that, I'm still sitting here, not studying anything at all. What the hell happened to me these days And for the first time of the dead January, I'm happy. My life now just got my lovely Roomate (she is not that kinda lovely, but I match her amazing sense of humor and that's it). promise to myself only three more days and then all your life and holiday are gonna back, happy than ever yayyyy To be honest, I really want to publish a fucking long note about my 'wild' first date ( that word was referred by Liam, about the incredibly crazy things took place during our date) but believe me, I will take like a week to write about=)))) n I don't even have time to study now. I bet my date would be the most special day could ever happen to anyone with all the feelings that I've been through. glad that I like it lol Gotta study, n sorry for ignoring any messages, definitely will reply that as soon as I'm done with all uni stuff (in case U don't know, it means forever)

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

24/01/2018

Hello Long time no see And freaking busy these days, just studying, my club off this sem as we R in summer holiday but still have the feeling that it's definitely not enough Just watched the photos again, the October photos and realized how amazingly happy I was at that time, N I didn't even know that. Silly me. So excited to back to that days again N tomorrow gonna have the first date w Ricky, the first Tinder-met guy I still talk to rn m, after hearing tons of advices from Em, Ell, Jesse, (N Liam if I have more time to ask lol). We decided to go to lifeline book fest at 4pm (maybe 4:30, whatever) tomorrow. But I feel nothing now Well seriously what's wrong w meeeee I am supposed to be overhappy and overexcited now as the girl first time to be asked out from the guy she kinda like, but I still suspicious Actually I think all the late night sleeps the last months finally have the negative influences on me then. Well good luck girl, U don't even know what U are looking for. This time tomorrow everything will be clear as it meant to be, except the exams.

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

11/25/2017

Hello

it's me again

gotta say this, the whole day I felt so lost and lonely, until tonight, after receiving a visit from 2 lovely sisters, and a call from mom, everything gets better <3

I love this dining room, where I can enjoy both the cool atmosphere (from air-conditioner hehe), wearing a sexy tank top and enjoy a writing night. just Tumblr and I <3 love it. what a peaceful day!

got the party last Thursday, asked Sabb did the makeup for me, she was so professionalllll. Although it seems like I overmake up, I still feel satisfactory, although you didn't say anything to me at all. I keep the promise to myself, never let you break my mood down again. So I'm trying that. And honestly, it makes me feel much better now

just go to bed early, wake up early, and enjoy your day girl <3 you won't need to have a man to do that for you

and if getting lost again, remember why you started

gotta sleep now, love you

good thing takes time, remember that <3 next semester everything will be fine ;) be patient!

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

11/05/2017

feel better now

Now I just do have only hope for next year, gonna dye my hair after it becomes longer, wear only black, damn it, so suits that fucking brown dyed hair ;) have to sleep now <3

trying to balance study and hanging out these days <3 in the next 2 following weeks, can't believe I choose to move out in the middle of the busiest week ever, with 1 big party right before the day I get 1 assignment due and accounting in-class quiz. what am I supposed to do when I wanna get drunk until the next day morning and chill out with all people who I love the most but gonna leave next year? that's the way God treats me :) 

well, if its how you treat me, I’m ready. I mean, I do have nothing to lose, why can't I give it a try? I’ve been so far away from home, and I’m pretty sure that I come here not to be afraid of anything. 

“When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.”

I do have lots of regrets, always been tormented of things I did, or did not. And guess what, keep asking that questions never makes me feel better, it just slip me down. but its so hard to give up that habit. For a better me, doing that is necessary <3

have to roll in my best bed, see you tmr

my new me, but still dead inside :)

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

11/03/2017

I'm so sad that I don't have the energy to say hi

How can you treat me like that?

ignored my message wishing you the best luck for the exam

everyone, once again, everyone responded nicely but you, only you

you ruin my night

at least others help me to get better, but so sad they’re not you

ok, come on girl

he is not the one, pretty sure about that

forget him, focus more on your life

and so gonna come

damn it, I know no one loves me

I just have a feeling that I will not meet him until  I totally quit

and honestly, I wanna quit rn, wanna be back home

lay all day in bed, in mom’s arm

safe and sound at my own home

don't have to fight for the whole life

and feel tired

 of waiting

p/s Do I ever compose a poem?

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

there are some people

just suits you when hanging out at some points of life( yea, this fucking hardpoint)

but deep down from the bottom of my heart, I know they’re not for me

I am not me when being with them

especially one of you, recently, always be followed by a freaking annoying tail

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

10/29/2017

hey, this is the end of week 2 of sem 2

cant believe time does fly so fasttttt

and I still feel empty at all

at some point, I just wanna ask you why God took you away from me? you’re the only one who has enough experience and knowledge, the only one I trust on

I promise, when I get back home, I gotta come and tell you everything

pls at least give me a sign 

 I really wanna know your answer

don't leave me in this tough world alone

I love her, but cannot tell her everything, she does never understand me deeply as you used to

If you cant be back, give me another one, I don't want to stand alone

nah, but I have feeling that they're on their ways, right? pls be quick, I nearly die day by day, I perhaps die before seeing heaven, or before you come. You won't be able to find me anymore

I'm trying to go to bed earlier these days, that's why I stop here

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

cho dù ánh dương có rực rỡ, ánh dương ấy ko bao giờ dành cho tao

ánh dương nớ chỉ dành cho thành phần phía trên thôi :) mình đứng ở giữa nhìn lên thấy được nhưng ko bao giờ chạm tay vào được

in case U dont know, t nằm dài trên giường hơn 12 tiếng mấy ngày này. và càng ngày càng thấy buồn hơn thôi

nhớ đoạn sem 1 mấy tuần đầu tiên như ri t hứng khởi lắm, chạy đi ngắm khắp nơi, đi tới mô cũng vui vẻ hào hứng. Ngày mô t cũng băt bus đi ngắm city, mỗi lần đi shopping là vui vẻ tươi tắn, mỗi lần được ai hẹn đi mô cũng vui vẻ ( dù là gái hẹn :). Tao chỉ tự hỏi là con bé tràn đầy sức sống nớ đi mô mất rồi? chừ t giỏi hơn lúc t mới qua rất nhiều, ngôn ngữ,time management rồi life experience, đối nhân xử thế nữa. tao cũng đạt được cái mà lúc mới qua t thích :) đó là full lịch, bận tới mức ko có giờ để thở=)))) được nhiều người rủ đi chơi, họ cũng khá là dt

Nhưng t đánh mất linh hồn :) t ko thấy vui với cái chi nữa hết, t tưởng như t có mọi thứ (well vẫn thiếu vài thứ, nhưng t nghĩ 19 năm ko có thì t vẫn chưa chết :), t những tưởng t sẽ hạnh phúc, nhưng câu trả lời là ko, thẳm sâu trong t , t vẫn ko biết mình thực sự muốn chi? mọi thứ có thể làm t vui trong tiếng hoặc hai tiếng, nhưng kbh kéo dài hơn được nữa, và chỉ có alcohol khiến t get high thì  lâu hơn chút( nhưng t ko muốn biến thành sâu rượu mô :’( 

T đã, đàn và sẽ trở thành cô gái đang chai sạn cảm xúc hoàn toàn, t nghĩ chắc t sẽ đi tình nguyện cho một tổ chức mô đó chăm sóc chó mèo, t nghĩ có thể ôm mấy con nớ thì t sẽ đỡ hơn một chút, đm lại khóc vì nhớ chó rồi :( đm éo tin nổi sau 4 tháng t vẫn nhớ hắn :’( 

đm mới tuần thứ hai mà t đã thấy mệt mỏi, t đã muốn bỏ đi một nơi xa thật xa, ko bị cái chi vướng bận, và phải có tiền để ăn chơi=)))) nhưng có vẻ no place like home

thực ra t muốn về ôm Finn, nằm đọc sách, nghe nhạc, nằm dài ra ngắm hoàng hôn, thực hiện mấy cái to do list, t đã hoàn thành được 3 gạch rồi đó <3 ko phải về ngồi nói chuyện vs mẹ, đm mới nghĩ đã thấy mệt mỏi, quan điểm khác biệt quá rõ ràng, the more we talk the more problems we see

Và t đang cân nhắc tới vụ xóa mạng xh, t nhgĩ t vẫn giữ messenger nhưng t sẽ xóa app đi, mxh đang khiến t bị pressure với cuộc sống siêu hp của một số người(éo biết có hp thiệt ko), t muốn giống một số khác, cực kì hp, nhưng face hiếm khi có cập nhật gì :) thành thực mà nói, việc ngôig stalk face và so sánh khiến t cảm thấy siêu buồn với cuộc sống của m hiện tại, thực ra so với rất nhiều ng thì rất hp,t có gđ, có bạn thân có bạn xã giao, hiếm ai ghét t kiểu thâm thù đại hận=))) ko bị vướng mắc về vấn đề tài chính quá nhiều. Nhưng t vẫn ko vui được, tin t đi, từ khi t qua đây, chỉ có duy nhất đúng 1 ngày t thực sự cảm thấy vui, đó là ngày chủ nhật mà t đã viết cái note happiest day ever in Aussie í, từ sau ngày nớ mặc dù nhiều khi t nói vui, nhưng chưa bao giờ tao thức dậy và tự cảm thấy today gonna be an awesome day lại cả, nhiều khi vui lâu là do tác dụng của rượu thôi, có khi đây là lí do bọn bên ni uống rượu với bia siêu nhiều ạ hic hic, mi đúng là có cảm giác lâng lâng vui vẻ thật, nhưng t muốn có cảm giác thật, từ tự bản thân t cảm thấy, ko cần chất kích thích nào cả, nhưng với những ngày này, đúng là quá khó, chừ t hiểu ý tk vôn, có khi t sẽ hút thuốc thử :) 

mấy người xác định được họ thực sự thích chi sướng hí, ít nhất vẫn có một cái làm họ thấy vui khi mở mắt dậy :) t vẫn ko thấy vui hay hứng thú chút nào với mấy cái t học, mỗi sáng t dậy hoàn toàn ko có động lực để mở mắt nữa...

nhiều khi ghen tị với bọn architect, lab research này nọ lắm, ít ra hắn làm cú là hắn thấy vui ko liền, t cứ ở lưng chừng ở giữa, ko vui ko buồn

đm có khi t sẽ học làm thơ thoe kiểu bên ni đó :) buồn quá éo biết làm gì :) và cái cảm giác những người mi thích sắp rời xa hết rồi :) trong khi những đứa ở lại luôn đi kèm với người mi thấy có duyên lắm :) may mà tháng sau t dọn đi nên cũng ít khi thấy :) đỡ khó chịu hẳn

29/10/2017 00:20am

vài bữa khi t về hãy an ủi t vì đã trải qua những tháng khá tồi tệ

và tháng 1 mới là đỉnh điểm :) t hi vọng t ko chết trước khi t chạm tay được vào cổng thiên đàng

“Ngủ đi, ngủ đi, chuyện gì rồi cũng sẽ qua, ngẩng đầu lên ánh dương vẫn rực rỡ mà.”

{Không Yêu Thì Biến - Cửu Lộ Phi Hương}

<> <> <> <> <> <>

● By Hạ Vy Lam@youthaholic

[intothemiddleofnowhere]

10/10/2017

this exactly day

8 years ago

our final trip together

why you left me

alone 

in this evil world?

only you know me well

only you whom I can talk everything to, not her

only you understand me, 

without judgement

only you

how can I find you again?

I really wanna be that 13-year-old careless girl again

and never grow up

just always be your little girl