intricatepanic

[intricatepanic]

Tree circles, Japan

[intricatepanic]

my godddddd they were roommates

[intricatepanic]

on, like, a more positive note tho: i did all my work and i’m back home, in my own room, in my own space, and i’ve been sleeping so, so well (apart from yesterday but we don’t talk about that)

Sucks to admit but my period fucks me up so much. Emotionally, i’m all over the place. Last night I spent an hour crying over and episode of Hilda and battling the immense guilt from basically depending almost entirely on my mother to be able to survive

[intricatepanic]

Sucks to admit but my period fucks me up so much. Emotionally, i’m all over the place. Last night I spent an hour crying over and episode of Hilda and battling the immense guilt from basically depending almost entirely on my mother to be able to survive

[intricatepanic]

i did!! some work!! today!! and i don’t feel crippled by the existentialist guilt that always comes with enjoying a vacation!!

#i mean..... i do a lil #but only a lil

[intricatepanic]

Christmas isn't exactly over where I am rn and I'm so over it. Probably bc being here– sparsely populated summer homes, nobody around –is so overwhelming in its emptiness that I'm starting to feel so, so detached from everything

[intricatepanic]

started a new sdv save and so far I,, rly don’t like the new beach map rip

[intricatepanic]

intricatepanic​:

Okay so step by step:

shower

design the poster– or at least make a start (not gonna set myself unattainable goals considering what time it is and how little motivation i have. better to content myself with smaller steps that’ll ultimately end with the same result, only a little slower)

accept that I probs work slower than is expected/the norm and carry on regardless

didn’t even start the other two but!! it’s okay, i have some ideas for when i can sit down and design tomorrow; in the meantime i’ll just recharge my ipad and try to enjoy some peace + quiet

#might fuck around and update my sdv mods and start a new save

[intricatepanic]

can’t wait to ignore my mental health in favour of spending my christmas money on a new hairstyle

[intricatepanic]

Okay so step by step:

shower

design the poster– or at least make a start (not gonna set myself unattainable goals considering what time it is and how little motivation i have. better to content myself with smaller steps that'll ultimately end with the same result, only a little slower)

accept that I probs work slower than is expected/the norm and carry on regardless

[intricatepanic]

not at that point yet where I'm too anxious about the work. It's sort of at that *chest is tightening* stage where I can still put it off until the panic kicks in and forces my head down

#idk it's just this weird mixture of frustration #bc the course itself is such a disillusionment #and i don't wanna engage with it #but also that's unfair to me and to my mom #bc she's basically paying for it and i shouldnt waste it #out of some dumb immature principal #like i'm GONNA do the work #and the quality isn't gonna be bad bc it's... kind of basic stuff #but it's just so much and with everything else it feels like a mountain instead of a mole hill #idk there's just a lot of sludge to try and wade through rn #and i miss my friends and i miss my room and i miss that feeling of actually living life #i don't like coming here for so long bc everything is put on pause but then at the same time it isnt

[intricatepanic]

So I'm back in class next week, which means I literally only have seven more days to get a whole load of work done. I know it's my own fault for putting it off, but I always struggle so much to nudge or knock myself into that productive mindset when I go to my grandparents' for the holidays. I wish it were because of that whole mindset of disconnect when you're on vacation, but in actuality the culprit is stress.

Being here is stressful. There's no space; something's always happening regarding somebody else, and it ropes everyone in, or there's the perpetual feeling of being monitored. Because somehow being around family means that you regress to being a child and you're told when to get up, what and when to eat, fix your attitude.

I miss the city.

[intricatepanic]

2021 and it’s silly that i’m coming back to this website to do something my fifteen year old self would have revelled in for all the wrong reasons– validation, namely –but i just need a lil corner of my own to vent about things sO here!! we!! are!!

under a pseudonym

starting off with irony, nice