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introvert-creature-blog

Deep Shits in Life

Introvert and diagnosed with a mental health disorder. This will be my freakin diary so deal with it.

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introvert-creature-blog · 6 years

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I wish I could save myself by reading this..

It’s been a few hours, you’ve just been hanging there. You’ve been quiet, too quiet. Usually there’s music playing, or your foot steps could be heard. But today, you’re quiet. Your little sister, who doesn’t normally come to greet you because you lock yourself away, decides to see what you’re doing. She assumes you’re taking a nap, or doing some homework quietly. She runs up the stairs, eager to see, but she comes to an immediate halt. You’re not doing your homework, nor taking a nap. Your music isn’t playing and you aren’t walking around. You’re hanging there, completely still, now just like her. At this moment, her whole world shatters. Everything she has ever known, looked up to, loved, is hanging there by a thread. At this moment, her life has been changed forever. At this moment, she wishes she was hanging with you.

Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say “Finally, they’re gone.” No, they will not say “I’m happy they did that.” No, they will not say “I never loved them anyways.” They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. They’ll believe it’s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they won’t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. They’ll think of you ever second. They’ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. They’ll wish they could die too. They’ll want to give up, just to be with you. They won’t be ever be happy again. They won’t smile. They won’t go back to their daily routine. They’ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. They’ll think, but stay quiet. They’ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long it’s been, they’ll wake up to thinking they’ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know you’re gone forever.

Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. They’ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their child’s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didn’t need you, or didn’t care, are waiting in line to see you. They aren’t waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. They’re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.

Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Don’t you dare say no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, won’t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, won’t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, won’t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, won’t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, won’t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, won’t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didn’t yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that said you didn’t meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.

Before you decide to take your life, think. Don’t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No one’s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, won’t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone elses.

If you are feeling alone, and think that suicide is the only way out:

My ask is open, and I’m always here. I’ll never judge you. I’ll try to help you.

If you are thinking of taking your life, call:

1-800-784-2433

1-800-SUICIDE

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introvert-creature-blog · 6 years

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THE ART OF “BALAKAYOJAN”

Kapag sobrang toxic na ng mga tao sa paligid natin to the point na nagiging second-rate version na lang tayo ng mga sarili natin, it’s time to learn the “Art of Balakayojan.”

“Balakayojan” is a pinaikling expression for “Bahala kayo sa buhay niyo mga pakingshet kayo you’re not worth my time gagu.” Cinompressed sa isang word lang dahil dedicated ito sa mga taong di na dapat pinag-aaksayahan ng panahong kausapin kaya minadali na lang bigkasin. Gets? So kapag binigkas mo, dapat bitch-resting face, monotonous at walang kahit anong emosyon. Kasi nga, lakampake. Like, “Duh. hu u.”

Parang ganito,

Para dun sa crush ko na hindi ka naman ako crush, “Balakajan.” Move on to another crush na lang. Dun ako sa crush ko na crush din ako para justice is well-served. Dun tayo sa may patutunguhan ang panlalandi natin.

Kapag feeling mo hindi ka ‘belong’ sa isang grupo, “Balakayojan.” Hindi mo kelangang mag-adjust para lang magustuhan ka o piliting baguhin ang sarili mo para sa iba. If you don’t belong, make your own or be on your own.

Para dun sa mga ang hilig manlait na akala mo kung sinong perpekto, “Balakayojan.” Ganun talaga umatake yung mga taong madaming issues sa buhay. Pilit dinidivert sa’yo ang problema dahil hindi nila kayang ihandle yung sarili nilang sitwasyon.

Para dun sa mga nagsasabing, “Feeling maganda/gwapo photogenic lang naman.” ‘Feeling mayaman di naman.” “Uy feeling sexy flat naman.” “Feeling famous di ko naman kilala.”, “Balakayojan!” Let people feel what they want to feel. Hayaan niyong mag-feeling. Feelings nila yun. Hindi tayo entitled sa kaligayahan ng ibang tao.

Para dun sa mga magaling lang pag may kailangan tapos kapag nakuha na ang gusto hindi ka na ulit kilala, “Tanginaniyobalakayojan.” Ano ako ahensya ng gobyerno? Show ni Willie? May pa-charity event? Next time Sa DSWD kayo dumulog.

Para dun sa mga tinuturing lang tayong option, “Balakayojan.” Dun tayo sa kung saan tayo ang priority at di mapapagod iparamdam na hindi ka lang isang parte ng pagpipilian. Sadyang ikaw lang. Wag mong hayaang masira yung konsepto mo ng self-love dahil lang sa mga nakakapanget na tao sa paligid.

Para sa mga taong ang tingin sa’tin hindi tayo enough, “Balakayojan.” Mga pakingshet kayo, ubos na ubos na nga ako kulang pa din para sa inyo? Dun ako sa taong hahayaan akong magtira para sa sarili ko dahil para sa kanya sapat na ako.

Para dun sa boss mong ngarag, puro utos, palaging may kinikilingan, at abusado sa posisyon, “Balakajan.” Gawin mo mag-isa yang trabaho mo! Baket ikaw ba nagpapasweldo sa’kin ha?! Pero siyempre joke lang ‘to kasi ayoko mawalan ng trabaho. Hehe labyubossmuahmuah!

Para dun sa mga taong hindi makita yung worth mo, “Balakayojan.” Mas maraming deserving sa atensyon na binibigay mo. Masarap sa pakiramdam kapag yung bawat effort mo gaano man kaliit, malaking bagay pa rin para sa iba. Deserve mong maramdaman yan in full-package.

We often lose ourselves kapag hinahayaan nating i-define tayo ng ibang tao sa paraang gusto nila. Learn the Art of Dedmatology. I-let go ang mga taong hindi naman deserve panghawakan. Bawasan ang negativity sa mundo. Simulan sa paligid mo. Kung ayaw ka nilang lubayan, dedmahan mo na lang. Mas masarap iparamdam na wala kang pake kesa pag-aksayahan ng emosyon at panahon ang mga walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay. Mas nakakapikon kapag effort na effort silang sirain ang araw mo pero ikaw, “Lakompakebalakayojan.”

Malay mo, slowly, we will find our way back to ourselves.

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introvert-creature-blog · 6 years

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