irl-f4iry

[irl-f4iry]

babbling distract myself :D

hi hi im in history now. im thinking about how im gonna type without my teacher seeing. class room is set up weird today bc of the last period doing;knbljvhiycgtuxfzdSZTDxyucfigoptoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooufry68tde574s6ztdxxxxxxxxxxxeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddx

im feeling rlly tired and bored. im gonna do absolutely no work in this class. apparently we arent taking notes so idc. i wish i had earbuda for this computer. are there like reverse adaptors? like instead of a lightning jack its like the little stick jack for computers. then i wouldnt have to wear the over the head ones. i only like the rlly fat cushion ones. not the school computer ones. they make me look so much weirder. idk school is fine at the moment. ive been doing better w school work n stuff so thats cool. plus my parents r giving me permission for stuff so thats good too. idk if im gonna hang w my friend today. i feel like im socially drained maybe. like yesterday was rlly fun but then my OTHER friend (the gf of the first friend) came over which was cool but i didnt even get to hang out with her. i knew it was gonna happen too which is kinda the only thing i guess i dont like about them dating. they are both my best friends. they were both seperate ppl in my life yk? like they didnt even know each other but i knew them seperately yk? and im super super close w both of them. but now that theyre dating, i feel weird being close friends with him because everything makes her jealous. and im not blaming her at all bc im the same way but im just saying anything i do with him will seem flirty to her. she wont get mad at me for it either which makes me feel even more guilty. it doesnt help that he used to be in love with me for like 6 years  so of course shed be bothered. idk i feel like a bad person. im being stingy yk. like he was my friend first. she was my friend first. now they have each other n its like ubjrfh berhbfj r. and my cousin is like my sister. i feel like she doesnt even enjoy my company as much anymore. i know she loves me its just sometimes i feel unwanted. like ill ask her if she wants to hang out and shell be like im sorry my social battery is done rn or shell say she has homework or that her mom doesnt want too many ppl over. but then our 2 friends would be over there not too long after and its just like dude just say you dont want me there? i would be less bothered if she just said that yk? idk maybe its not what im thinking at all and im just overthinking it. idk what else do i talk abt? ummmmmmmmmmmm oh i think im supposed to be writing an essay rn. to be honest i have no clue what im supposed to be doing in this class. i wanna go home. idk if im gonna go to my last period. i thijnk im just gonna go home. my friend tries to encourage me to go to the class but idk i keep saying ill go and i dont. its just chemistry and i dont rlly care abt that class. lets say i pass everything but that class. ill still be fine yk. so its okay. i suck at it anyway. ive been going to all my other classes. idk im rlly tired and my back hurts. i have such bad posture. i slouch all the time. ive been more aware of i and have been doing better but i always end up slouching at some point yk. i might just play a game online or something. im so bored and my friend is looking up something about peanut butter and jelly???????? idk what that dude looks up on his free time. i kinda wanna go through my familys facebook accounts. only the pictures though. bc i end up finding photos from years ago and it makes me feel so nostalgic.i like that feeling so much.nostalgia has to be one of the best feelings to feel for me. i love imagining that im still in 2011 yk? or anywhere up to 2014 or15. those were the best years for me. id do em over and over. i wish i didnt take advantage of my rlly young years. i know im still really young but once you hit 17 you kinda have that same minset for the rest of your life yk? like you hit a certain level of maturity by then that sticks with you or grows in youre adult years. if so so different from the way we think as 9 years olds yk? 

[irl-f4iry]

thinking

i want to be so worryingly thin. my best friend visited nyc finally and im so happy. we were just messing around and he threw me over his shoulder like it was nothing. and he called me small and weak and this and that. i know it was jokes and just banter but i felt so happy. how could he pick me up so easily? maybe im thinking too much and hes just rlly strong. i mean i know for a fact hes strong. he can lift way heavier than me. but then thinking about that ruins the happiness i get from him picking me up easy. bc now its not even bc im light. hes just strong enough. plus he had the support of his back and shoulders and all that. i wanna be so light that someone can just have me hanging over their arm like a jacket. i want to weigh nothing. i want to struggle to walk during heavy winds. i want to be on the edge of collapsing everytime i move. i wish i had self control. im starting a fast again today for like the millionth time. i want people to compare me to a ghost. i want jewelery to fall off my wrist and fingers. i wanna hold pools of water in my collarbones. i want my bones to stab out of me, clothes barely hanging off my skin. i need my hair to fall down my back and shoulders like a blanket. so many more things i think about i would sell my soul for. i sound so fucking stupid dhrfuhric im in spanish class rn. i dont do anything in this class but listen to music and go to tumblr on my laptop. i never go to 8th period but i think i might today. this is probably gonna mess me up idk but i kinda wanna ignore my friends. well not ignore them but not stick to them like i usually do. i feel like people know too little yet too much about me at the same time. i post everything. well not everything but a lot. if its not my thoughts its a meme that speaks for me lol. so same thing. but anyway i wanna kinda socialize a little less? a lot of ppl i know dont rlly talk to me unless i talk to them. i wanna text no one until they text me first.staying on my homework would do me some good. im gonna keep wearing my gross baggy clothes. but over time i wanna lose all this weight. itll happen quick since im fasting. well that is if i stick to it. i will stick to it. i can do this. i just need need need the self control. i need to get back into working out. ive done chloe ting but ive heard ppl say others are better. idk ill check some out n see what ill do. i wanna do face excercises too. and small ones that i can do in between tasks yk? like arm circles while my hair dries or something like that. idk i just hate the fact that ive looked the same for like so many years now regardless of me constantly altering my appearance. i wanna randomly get super skinny and have long hair. i dont wanna do anything but fast and go for walks during spring break. early in the morning. omg im gonna go on 5-6 am runs. i wont post much about it. its probably not true but i feel like if i were to get on my shit and do all this work on myself, specific ppl who have the same struggles will be like omg no shes gonna one up me! its mainly because they r prettier than me and i feel like me improvinng myself would make them wanna do it too. i know its kinda fucked up but its just the way my brain sees it. and other ppl too. i know im not the only one who sees it as a competion..anyway yea i wanna be the pretty one for once. this is in no way me putting down. theyre just so perfect. i wanna be on their level. its not about them though. i wanna be as pretty as i can make myself. not to be better than them. idk how to word it without sounding like a terrible person. i dont know but im gonna do these more often. i feel like writing about what im feeling as im feeling it and thinking it would help me keep my mind off food. ill just keep writing until my class ends. then ill start another one next period. this is extremely therapeutic.

[irl-f4iry]

looking 4 meanspoooo

i rlly need the motivation. summer is coming, i just need someone to constantly call out every flaw i have so maybe ill actually do something about them. plzplzplzzzz

[irl-f4iry]

i rlly need an answer coach. someone who can send meanspo on the daily reminding me to stay on track towards my goal. pls pls pls be as harsh as you wanna. be mean in dms, comments, everything. i need the motivation!!!

[irl-f4iry]

reblog if you need to lose 40 pounds (18kg) or more

[irl-f4iry]

i’m going on vacation to el salvador today and i’m gonna be there for almost a whole month. i’m rlly excited because i feel like i can finally use this to get skinny. i know im not fat but i feel ginormous and the fact that i’d be going to the beach and it’s rlly hot is extreme motivation. plus u have a rlly big house over there and spend pretty much the whole day in it. and the best part is that it’s not like oooo a home w full fridge and all that shit. it’s literally just a house. like yk the two floors and the rooms and stuff but nothing in da fridge bc we always go eat at my cousins houser right across and i don’t have to go!!! so i’m v excited. it’d be crazy if i came back skinny :O

[irl-f4iry]

Can someone PLEASE send me meanspo😭

[irl-f4iry]

Weight loss cat!

You’ve been visited by the weight loss kitty, it’s cheering for you.

You’ll lose more than 10 lbs this month, the cat believes.

Reblog to activate!

[irl-f4iry]

i think i fell in love with you long before i realized but come to think of it how could i not? after all of the late night conversations and the times you were my shoulder to cry on  after the hugs that felt like home  and all of the times you were my hand to hold  after the “good morning” and “good night” messages  and all of the phone calls you made just to make sure i was okay  after all of the times you made me laugh when it felt like i would never smile again  and all of moments and memories we can never tell a soul  maybe i didn’t even really fall for you  i think i just woke up one day  and i knew  that you were the one who i wanted by my side  through thick and thin  for better or for worse  it’s always been you  and i hope it always will be you

Anonymous said: Can you write something about falling in love with your best friend? (cc, 2017)

[irl-f4iry]

are you okay

is anyone

[irl-f4iry]

“I liked you so much more than you ever liked me.”

— Emma chota

[irl-f4iry]

society says no to anorexia but yes to anorexic bodies

[irl-f4iry]

i miss 1990 when i didn’t exist

[irl-f4iry]

My ed: starve.

Me: okay

Me: *doesn’t eat all day*

My ed: I said STARVE.

Me: I am

My ed: sTaRVe

Me: I AM

My ed: STARVE BETTER

Me: *screams*

My ed: *screams louder*

[irl-f4iry]

you think you’re faking this? ok. prove it.

delete tumblr. delete myfitnesspal. delete any and all calorie tracking apps. go into your kitchen. right now. get up and walk into your kitchen. now make a pot of pasta or spaghetti. or make a salad with chicken or a smoothie. or make a few eggs with some potatoes. or heat up the leftovers in the fridge. don’t count it. don’t measure it. don’t look up the calories. then sit down and eat the whole thing. don’t cut it up small, don’t wait until a certain time, don’t stare at it for forever before you eat it. cook it, put it on a plate, and eat it. maybe scroll through instagram or watch a tv show while you eat. like a post on your explore page about loving pizza without thinking of the calories or feeling fat. when you’re done eating, don’t go to the mirror, don’t go to the scale, don’t go to the toilet to throw up. then go on with your life without thinking about what you just ate or when you’ll eat next. now do that every time you first feel hungry every single day for the rest of your life.

if you can do that, fine. i’ll believe you. you’re “faking it”.

but if even one step of that sounds like your own personal hell, shut up because you’re absolutely not fake and your problems are beyond valid and you deserve to recover right now right where you are.

[irl-f4iry]

Crying in my room but keepin it a secret cos’ people say the care but they really don’t mean it

[irl-f4iry]

reasons why i’m starving myself

so that i’m not the chubby friend anymore

so that i look cute and badass when playing the electric guitar

so that i can be confident when wearing bathing suits/bikinis

so that i can wear whatever i want and feel amazing

so i don’t look like a balloon in my school uniform and pe kit

so i look cute and aesthetic when playing piano

so that i look dainty when wearing oversized sweaters while drinking a cup of coffee

so that my ex will notice me

so that i fit in with all the other girls at my school

so that i can rock out the grunge aesthetic

so that i can finally believe it when people tell me i’m pretty