ittybittyria

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Late night processing / just pouring my whole head & heart out:

Being in a healthy relationship is so new to me and I honestly feel so lost. I was raised to believe I’m unlovable and I think I’ve convinced myself (for the most part) that that isn’t true, but I’m realizing deep down I still believe that. I find myself anxious a lot of the time, wondering if I did / am doing something wrong, if I’ll make Bren upset if I bring up certain needs, thinking I’m asking too much / I’m too needy / I’m annoying, etc. I end up googling what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like, reading threads about how often you should see / talk to / have sex with your SO, when you should meet your SO’s parents, how big is too big of a birthday gift for your new SO, etc. I’m constantly using social media, asking people, and searching on google to figure out what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like so I can do that because it’s engrained in me that I will mess up all good things. Like if I don’t have a map or instructions or a blue print, I can’t get it right because I am unlovable and not good enough. It’s unhealthy and it’s exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love myself (at least enough to fully believe I am worthy of life and living) and I truly don’t look to Bren for validation in my being. I don’t see it like another day of being together means I’m worth of love. God no. If anything, being with him has helped me realize that I’ve always been worthy of love because I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing and I deff mess up and I defffffffff get annoying / overwhelming, but he somehow reminds me that I’ve always been worthy of love. I tried to type it out explaining, but it wasn’t even in the slightest bit coherent and made absolutely no sense so I’ve decided to just backspace it all cause it was a jumbled mess. But I’ve really grown in knowing my worth in this relationship without it being rooted in the relationship. YA KNOW?

Anyway, I’m really tired of being caught up in “doing this right” because there isn’t an instructions manual of relationships just like there isn’t one for life. Plus, every relationship is TRULY different. Trying to look at one relationship to figure out mine is like looking at a picture of the Eiffel Tower while piecing together a puzzle of the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s fucking confusing and it won’t work because I just have different pieces to work with (idk if that was wise and clever or confusing and dumb but whatever). I’ve realized that I’ve got to trust Bren beyond spilling tea to him and telling him life secrets, but that I’ve got trust him with me and my heart and that I’ve got to trust him when he says his heart is for me (aka the fancy way of saying he likes me cause Bren is not simpy enough to say anything remotely close to “my heart is for you” lmfao). AND I’ve got to see Bren for Bren and see HIS heart. It’s not fair to Bren to look at him and see the painful things other people have said and done. It’s not fair for me to look for the bad in him because I missed that in other people. Brenden is not these other people, he is Brenden and that’s who I should see when I see him.

I’m honestly ready to be out of this mindset. I’ll still probably feel lost, but I don’t mind being lost with Brenden. He makes being lost feel like a big adventure.

Ew why am I so simpy? Is this what happens when I skip the placebo week on my birth control and my hormones get a little funky? It’s also almost midnight which deff fuels simpy Ria. Okay I’m going to shut up now before I become suka squad at my own self. Night.

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I posted the shorter version of this on my finsta but we all know tumblr gets the real real

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i completely forgot that i stopped watching glee past s3 so now that i finally made it to s4 this rewatch just turned into me voluntarily shitting on all the hard work past natalie did to avoid the car crash lmao

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Important.

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Words by D.T. Niles

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a STAN LEE Marvel Opening Sequence Tribute

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do you ever just want to sit outside with someone and talk all night because i do

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Important.

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the urge of being clingy to avoid abandonment vs the fear that being too clingy will make them abandon me

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Relationships & friendships are supposed to lift you up, not drain you of energy.

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you ever meet someone and get that “I could love you” feeling?? like you don’t know them well enough yet to actually love them but they are incredibly your type and you vibe with them so hard and you know you could??

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the most awkward part of learning a language is when you are able to understand a sentence but you have no idea how to make that sentence

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whoever i end up marrying is going to be lucky af cause i got so much love to give