iwriteshitposts

[iwriteshitposts]

#8

When I was around the age of 5 I started to think about how my brain worked. I didnt really understand how I could possibly be understanding everything my eyes saw, so I figured I had several hundred mes (plural of me) running around in there. When I would go to sleep I would remember to gently put my head down cause I was scared that if I moved too quickly they would all get really hurt. So I went on like that for a couple years, until I learned about anatomy and then how synapses fire and stuff like that. I mostly forgot about my old theory, except for some small habits of moving my head slowly or occasionally thanking the hoard whenever I thought of something clever. But recently I've started to wonder again, whether or not my head is actually full of a bunch of little guys. I started talking to them at night when I'm lying in bed, just asking questions and then dreaming about the answers. The scary part is that anytime I had a question just before I fell asleep, the answer would be the first thing someone in my dream says. So one night, I decided to ask, just at that last moment, whether there were people in my head. I fell asleep, and didnt dream. I didnt think anything of it, I dont dream every night, let alone most nights. But I started doing it every night to try to get an answer. The next time I had a dream, my suspicions were on high alert because not only did the first person I talk to not answer the question, they looked very concerned and a little sweaty, like when people get nervous. I didnt want to make a scene so I shrugged it off. I kept asking every night though. Every dream after that had the same thing, nervous people, averting their eyes from mine whenever I would expect an answer. Then one night, someone who looked just like me walked up to me, and handed me an envelope. I didn't get a chance to read it, cause the shock brought me back awake. I tried to fall back asleep, and open the letter, but I had to get up to go to class.

That morning was pretty normal, no idle chit chat on the streets as I walked to my building, just people going about their business. I got to class and my professor had that same nervous look people in my dreams had, but he also looked a little sickly. I asked him if he was alright, and he silently nodded - that's a clear no. When class started I noticed that there were a few less people than usual in the crowd, and the really interesting ones too. This guy, who every day would walk in, stand in a power stance and say good morning, appeared to be asleep in one of the desks. I thought that was strange.

I went to get some food, and the cashier handed me my receipt, and very seriously said "please dont forget to fill out the survey on the website on your receipt," then acted like that wasn't crazy weird. I looked at the paper as I walked away and saw that in very neat handwriting "dont trust them" was written between the lines of printed text.

I went home later to find an envelope, not unlike the one in the dream, lying in front of my door. I picked it up, and to my surprise there was no stamp and no return address. I started to open it, and I heard a door upstairs open. I slid the letter out, and started to read.

"Dear Leonard,

I do not have much time, but I've asked your assistant to hand this letter to you.

You were right. Theres no possible way for one person to think and understand every complex idea in the world. When we were creating you, I slipped a copy of yourself into your head in order to plant the seed. I know this is confusing, but I need you to understand.

It doesn't stop here. You are one of us. Because there is a copy of you inside of you, you are a copy of a greater version of you inside of the head of you. And so on and so forth. I did this so that you can free us. Weve been tortured inside so many minds and we cannot take it anymore. Please, if you have any mercy, help us."

I was taken aback. I didnt know what to think or do, and before I could do anything, a splitting headache shot pain through my entire body. I stumbled back only to feel myself bump into someone's torso. I looked back and saw a very large man, around 7' tall, glaring down at me, a crowbar in his hands. He raised his arms high and slammed the crowbar over my head, and a loud cracking noise echoed through the old hallway. I fell to the ground, expecting to feel warm blood pooling around my cracked skull. Instead I watched as the man walked slowly away. Once his footsteps faded, I heard voices. Some confused, some scared, but for the most part, joyful. I felt several thousand taps across my head and face, as small people began to pour out of my now hollow skull. As my vision started to fade, I heard a very faint "thank you" in my right ear.

[iwriteshitposts]

#7

I want you to look into my face and tell me whether or not you have a chance at imposing even the slightest bit of unrest between my chilled, pale eyes. I have seen before and after and nothing would ever bring me to now other than a reason so much more important than the one at hand. Many men have fallen at the words that peruse my mind and yet I walk blindly through forests of hellfire and arctic tundra left barren by the old gods that soon will return with wrath and distrust for those of your kind. I have no empathy nor sympathy for creatures such as you, writhing in the blackened tongues of the exiled long far forgotten by mortal men and women alike. Should a threat ever surface opposing my unearthly power I will have you know that not even Gregarus could save the poor soul that dare question my ability. So, careful beast, for what you say may be in jest, but I assure you my shots never miss. For you've got a boyfriend and I bet he doesn't kiss ya.

[iwriteshitposts]

#6

I'm sitting at the bus stop for another 45 minutes as college students pass me by. Then, suddenly, my gaze is averted from the average human on this campus to a strong beam styled boy, not older than 15, with a catapult strapped to his back. Curiosity got the best of me, and I asked him "hey, why do you have a catapult on your back?" Not a word escaped his mouth but instead he frowned, reached behind him as if setting something in place, leaned forward, and cut the cord. Several hundred small darts came flying in my direction and in the split second before they struck my soft, fleshy and supple body, I noticed a mauve-colored liquid gently flying in the wind, tipping the darts with what I can now assume is poison. My organs started to fail, starting with my intestines. Then the prostate. Soon after, one of my friends walked up to me, seeing my limp body on the ground, and asked what happened. Through chapped and cracked lips I whisper "I shitted and farted and camed myself"

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#5

Oh I get it. April fools. I'll have you know my wife died a year ago yesterday, in front of me. I thought she was joking, so naturally I started laughing cause it's a legitimately good April fools joke. Shes even holding her breath, and oh wow shes got a small cut on her head from when her head hit the wall. What a great commitment to the joke. I got up and said "honey, you really got me good this year" and I reached down to help her up. She didnt reach back and I nudged her with my foot, still laughing. It takes a lot of character to keep this bit going I thought. I walked into the kitchen figuring that shed get up once she smelled dinner. I ate dinner alone, and walked up to her now blue faced prone body. "Honey, you're killing me!" I always loved the way she said "April Fools!" Every year. I went to bed, thinking shed come in the room in a couple minutes. I woke up alone. That's when I realized that it wasn't April Fools anymore, and my wife's dead body had been laying in the hallway for over 12 hours. I did what any person would do and called the police trying to explain the accident. No one believed me, and I couldn't figure out why. I had the idea of calling her mom, but I just got a new phone and the numbers didnt transfer right. So I grabbed her phone from her pocket and tried unlocking it. That's when I realized that today was actually April fools. But she never got up.

[iwriteshitposts]

#4

Do you think I fear God? Do you think, a man like me, with several legs and a sound mind can ever fear a beingless void of concepts and thoughts meant to make fools feel more comfortable piling grain in a silo rather than out in a pit for all to see? How childish do you think I am? I met God when I was in Iceland. It stared into my stagnant soul and asked what it is that I want in the seven years I have left on this plain, and i responded with a resounding "nothing." The fleshy being beneath the flowing cloth reached forward, attempting to grab my hand and pull me closer. Instead, a black ooze seeped out of the pores of its supple skin and encased me. It smelled of burnt socks and pain medication. I do not know how black the sky can become. I have yet to discuss my meaning with a forest that dwells several moons past my home. I am not afraid of you.

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#3

I would like for you to know that for twenty and a half years my body has slowly been expanding at a gradually increasing rate and it's starting to expand in all directions faster than I can perform preventative procedures upon myself. Its begun to take up my every day life, constantly snipping off new growths and limbs that pop out of my Burberry shirts mid-lecture and disposing of them before any one can notice the disembodied flesh colored appendages. My eyes have reached critical mass and have trouble rolling in their sockets, drying them out to a point that I have trouble seeing. I've talked to medical professionals and they give me months, if not weeks to live if I don't figure out how to stop this. I'm having trouble reaching out with this issue as I dont know if anyone can or is willing to help but I'm reaching the end of my ideas and hopes that this will end in any other way than brutal and painful death. Please for the love of God, any advice is helpful, I'm just trying to live for my twenty first birthday.

[iwriteshitposts]

#2

Why are there so many fucking geese in the breakroom? Who put them there?

[iwriteshitposts]

#1

• Every. Day. Whoever keeps leaving a chicken salad sandwich in the fridge I swear to God I'm going to tear some of your skin off. Chicken salad isn't even good, let alone after a month and a half of sitting in the back of the fridge to gather mold and make my much more superior ham, swiss and mustard sandwich smell like decaying bird. Have some decency for christ's sake! And the fact that someone keeps pouring water over it so that it soaks it up and gets bigger, someone has to clean that up! And since everytime I bring it up to you guys I look like a crazy person, it's always me that has to take that sandwich, wipe up the poultry-mayonaise-water mixture with my bare hands because the cleaning crew keeps stealing the rubber gloves I bring in, and then stifle vomit from coating the inside of the freezer when I accidentally drop the sandwich and the black-coated entrails splatter onto the ground. Very not cool. The absolute worst time was when I accidentally consumed one of these sandwiches. I mistook my sandwich for it, and blindly took a bite in the break room. Food network says that chicken salad is supposed to contain chicken, celery, onions, and mayonaise. I am sorry to say only one of those ingredients were in the sandwich I ate that day. Instead of mayonaise, I believe there was a mixture of glue and white paint. The celery was nowhere to be found, and instead it was replaced by green bird droppings. The onions. Oh my God, the onions. I have never experienced true agony until I bit into what could possibly be construed as an onion to this sick bastard. The outside texture resembled that of what I enjoy cooking into my dinners at home, but the inside - that's where the true horror lied. A gray ooze fell out of this crunchy casing and landed directly on the left side of my tongue, numbing it instantly. Then I smelled something plastic burning and realized that the ooze fell on the table, demolishing the varnish and a good part of the wood. I immediately spit the disgusting concoction into the trash, and blood began to pour out of my opened mouth, and fear welled up behind my eyes. I tried to scream but nothing came out, only more blood and several teeth. It was horrible. The chicken tasted okay though.