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Blog Entry #7: Psychodynamic Development

My dad told me the story of how he grew up in a four storey building with his cousins. Each floor had a different family or relative. They would go to school together everyday. And because there were so many of them, in one month, there’d be multiple celebrations. One example is the month of May; there’d be a birthday party on May 5, May 19, May 20, and May 21. He had a fun childhood because he had a lot of playmates and relatives he bonded with. It was one big family. 

I think one intergenerational pattern is that we actually still do this. My family also lives in a building today. The other half of our floor houses my dad’s older brother and his family. Meanwhile, in my grandparents’ household, two families from my dad’s siblings live under the same roof. My dad’s other siblings also live nearby in the same neighborhood. I think this pattern is really helpful because for a really big family like ours (my dad has 6 siblings, all of whom have 2-4 children), being nearby really helps the family bond. It’s easy for us to meet up and we grow up to become very close with one another. There’s never bad blood in the family, but we do have a lot of good memories together. 

I don’t necessarily think that this pattern should be continued by living in the same roof, but it can be continued through frequent gatherings or a time for the next generation’s children to meet up and play. It’s the best way to learn how to socialize and get along with other kids or people. As for me, being an introvert, having cousins that I get along with really helped me learn how to integrate with other kids in school. I remember having a difficult time in my pre-school and elementary days because sometimes, the kids would be mean. But my cousins would always give me advice and tell me how to peacefully confront the other kids without having to start any conflict. 

One story my parents often tell me is how I never complain and that I always understand. It has happened multiple times but they always mention one specific story about me wanting a doll, and when they say they won’t buy it, I didn’t throw a tantrum. I just said ‘Okay’ and moved on. I was about 4 years old. This attitude is still one that I have. It has actually evolved into a feeling of contentment. Now that I am exposed to more knowledge and experiences, I realized that I don’t need a lot of things and that the things I want should be a necessity. 

If I relate this experience to Erikson’s Stages of Development, I would be at the stage of Initiative vs. Guilt. I’ve always been a very easy kid to raise. I obeyed my parents and never caused any trouble. I never even experienced drawing on the walls or on places that I shouldn’t. While my parents (especially my mom) would often be very controlling, she would always explain why the rules are the way they are. And I think this reason is why I didn’t really have a sense of guilt and leaned more towards initiative. I understood the purpose of why I had drawing books, and I understood why they refused to buy the doll; I already had 10 waiting at home. All of this is because my parents explained everything to me properly. 

For my Erikson’s Stages of Development Scale, I would illustrate myself as

Trust vs Distrust - 10

Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt - 7

Initiative vs Guilt - 6

Industry vs Inferiority - 9

Identity vs Role Confusion- 8

I grew up with three primary caregivers: my mom, dad, and aunt who also served as my ‘nanny’. I’ve grown up always knowing that I’ll have people to support me in whatever I do because that’s the care they showed me as I grew up. 

I believe that I was given a certain amount of independence as a child, though my autonomy decreased as I grew up. I remember growing up and being able to choose my own accessories, to the point I had half an arm filled with bracelets. Though I may not be allowed to do certain things up to this day for safety reasons such as riding public transportation on my own, I do have a sense of independence. I mean, I am able to live on my own with no relatives in Quezon City all for the sake of going to college. 

I also think that I have grown up with a sense of initiative. I do know that I have a purpose, and that everything else in the world has purpose. But my parents also made enough rules that I grew up being very reserved, and I would be guilty if I break these rules today. I developed a strong sense of conscience to the point I am incapable of even saying a tiny lie. 

I’ve always enjoyed doing art. My parents helped me hone this talent by allowing me to go to art classes during the summer. They know I’ve also wanted to try being more extroverted, so they supported me as I went on to serve 2 years in our high school student council. It was in these little things that helped me reach my potential and perhaps reflect on what I can do better.

Currently, as a result of the previous stages, I am mostly very sure of what I want to do in the future. I want to become a lawyer and help those who need it. But I didn’t give this a full 10 because sometimes I find myself doubting this chosen path. My parents let me try a lot of things and it has led to some confusion. I decided to stick with being a lawyer because it has always been my childhood dream. As I grew up, my choices did broaden, and it does result to a little doubt and anxiety about choosing law. 

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Blog entry #8: Socialization

A few meetings ago, we were assigned to write down traits or characteristics that we observed about our classmates on a piece of green paper. I personally found the activity to be difficult since I did not know a lot of people in class because they were not my block-mates. I guess my classmates also felt the same considering I only got about less than 10 responses (which is okay since I only really know about 7 people in class). 

My results tell me that I appear as a very friendly and approachable person to people. One response stood out to me though because it was the only slightly negative one on the list. The trait was “sabaw”, and it really amused me because I already knew who wrote it (it was Vincent, in case you were wondering). I appreciated Vincent’s response because it showed a stark contrast among the other responses. What made Vincent different from the other people who wrote on my paper was how we had already known each other since we were in grade school. Vincent and I grew up together, and he knew what I was like at home or in my comfort zone. 

Based on my Johari Window, I appear to hide some negative traits of myself. Such traits include being “manhid” or being a worrywart. I also hide positive traits though like being understanding or open to trying new things. I did find it weird at first that these traits were considered as things that I kept to myself because as far as I know, my closest friends also knew that I could be the person I claim to be on the list. 

Overall, I realized that perhaps all of this is because we tend to want to leave good impressions on people we barely know. Vincent, for example, chose to write a negative trait (maybe as a joke, maybe not) while my classmates whom I only met at the start of this class chose to write positive traits. My classmates wrote these traits because these are the characteristics that I choose to show them. It also may be that they do observe negative traits in me but choose not to write them out of fear that I will start to think ill of them. It all boils down to how we always want people to think of us in a positive light, especially those whom we’ve only just met. 

Meanwhile, people who we really know and who really know us are not afraid of such judgements. It’s because we actually established a relationship with them. Vincent’s response is an example of this. Since Vincent and I had worked on many projects together as kids and as high school students, he’s seen how “sabaw” I can get especially as we work late in to the night or in the wee hours of the morning. He was not afraid to tell me that I’m “sabaw” because he knows I’ll associate this trait with personal experiences that I’ve had, and experiences that he has witnessed himself. This really shows the difference between people we just know and people who we really know. 

In the end, I realized that I paint a very bright and approachable performance of myself. I try to make sure that people whom I’ve just met see me as someone who is cute, friendly, and approachable. At times, I don’t even notice that I do this which I guess is due to my unconscious desire for people to think of me amicably. I also learned that the people who are closest to us also see how we actually view ourselves. Because we open up bit by bit with every experience that we have with out friends, they start to see who we really are. They begin to see us in a much brighter and clearer image.

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Blog Entry# 6: Evaluation of my Self-care/Emotion Regulation Challenge

This week I wasn’t able to do all the things I wanted. It was an incredibly busy week. I was able to keep up-to-date with my gratitude journal which eventually just became a chronicle of the major things that happened per day. I also tried to do good things to my friends who are also my roommates. But I failed to download an application for motivational quotes because I completely forgot about it. I don’t think it’s such a huge loss though because I think writing down the things that went on was enough. I did not feel as horrible as I thought I would these past two weeks despite all the requirements and the “oopsies” like my drawing ripping. 

It was really easy to write down what happened everyday. I mostly forgot that it was a gratitude journal and ended up writing about how I was hopeful even though there was so much to do. It was kind of difficult to do good deeds for my friends though because we rarely saw each other these past few weeks. Everyone was just so busy. 

I did modify how often I was going to do good deeds. Most of the time I just bought them food because we really needed to transfer our stress to eating. I also didn’t want to spend too much time pondering about what to write, so I ended up keeping my journal short but direct. I wanted to just tell it how it was. I found myself feeling slightly better as I wrote what happened to me during the day. It also kept me from thinking about sad things because I kind of felt lonely as the week went on especially with all the requirements. It’s times like this when I’m stressed that I realize how alone I am considering that my family and friends are back home. 

What I did learn about myself is that I still do tend to be hard on myself but writing down my thoughts encouraged me to just look at the bright side. At one instance, my drawing for Art ripped and I had about 2-3 hours left to do it. I also had an oral test to prepare for which I wasn’t able to do the previous day due to the drawing. I remember that I almost had a breakdown but luckily, I just got to work and focused. I was able to finish the portrait of Audrey Hepburn though it looked more like Ariana Grande hahaha. I also think that I did pretty well during the orals despite only preparing on the day I was supposed to take it. I instantly wrote down what happened and I just felt better over-all. Now, I just hope that I passed all my tests.

I do plan continuing this. Maybe not everyday because it does take a little of my time to do it. Doing good deeds can also be expensive but that’s only because I prefer to show my support to my friends rather than saying it. I hope that as I continue doing these exercises, I’ll end up feeling much more positive and self-compassionate. 

Documentation:

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Entry #5: Emotion Regulation and Self-Care

It’s easy to feel like the whole world is against you or that you have it worse compared to others. I have always thought that this is due to how sadness is a feeling that is not felt very often, so it hits us harder compared to happiness which I think is a feeling that comes more frequently. Last week, we took a Self-Compassion test to determine how we feel whenever we make “mistakes” per se. 

Based on my results, I noticed that I am moderately compassionate with myself. I also notice that I am doing really bad in Self-judgement, isolation and over-identification. I think that this indicates I have have the tendency to have low self-compassion. On the other hand, my self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness scores are also pretty good. I interpret these scores as me being really hard on myself but still trying to think positively no matter what even though the negativity can be consuming at times. 

I find my results quite intriguing because my results are high in both positive and negative aspects. I think this could reflect how there are times when we can’t control our feelings even though our minds try to divert the negativity with positive thinking. 

I feel like the best option for me to do this week is option D: Be Positive. I have been trying to write a journal these past few weeks but I never seem to get to it. I think this will be a good chance to evaluate my journey here in college, living alone, as well as reflect on my thoughts and feelings, and trying to stay positive. 

My gratitude journal will consist of all the things that I am thankful for that day. I think the goal for this journal is to talk about the day, may that be a good or bad one, and try to find the silver-lining underneath. 

Other than keeping a gratitude journal, I will download an app that can help me stay positive by maybe giving me a quote to ponder on daily. 

Another option that I think I should do is Option B: Do good. I think this is necessary for me to feel less lonely. I’m quite the loner when no one approaches me first since I am usually shy to ask others to talk to me or hang out. This I think contributes to my habit of overthinking that my friends back home may secretly not like me or that the friends that I have now also don’t think fondly of me. By doing one good act for them per day, I think I’ll be able to inch my way closer to learning how to properly communicate with them without having to outright say that I adore them and want to be friends. 

Of course, this activity will also have to include the friends that I already had in high school. I think by communicating with them and simply chatting them about their day is a good deed in itself. Maybe I can also surprise my roommates with little gifts since “hell week” is about to begin or is already starting. The reading did say that communicating or socializing is one way of staying positive and happy. 

I hope that by the end of this week, I’ll be able to look at myself differently that I don’t judge myself so harshly if ever a negative situation or experience comes. My score in the self-compassion test already indicates that I have this degree of mindfulness and self-compassion, but I hope that the activities that I have assigned to myself for the week will help me lessen all the negative thinking. 

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Entry #4: Feeling and Thinking Self

This week we talked about system 1 and system 2. System 1 is essentially the force that drives fast, intuitive, and emotional thoughts while System 2 is slower, analytical, and more effortful compared to the former. 

What struck me about this lesson is how our mind works. I never realized that there are things that we respond to based on instinct and there are things that take us a while to figure out. Initially, I had thought that instinct was a completely separate thing and had no relation to our more analytical and reflective selves. It was interesting to me to know that these two seemingly different systems work together in order to solve problems and situations in our lives. 

The thing that really stuck with me was the exercise in which we were supposed to name the color of the word which were colors but not at all the same color used for the font. I didn’t make a mistake in that activity, though I did realize that as I continued reading it, I was getting more and more confused. My responses were also slower compared to when I started. This activity amazed me because it really takes a while for our minds not to read the word and instead observe the color of the font. This showed me the difference between systems 1 and 2 wherein system 1 desperately wanted to read the word while system 2 tried to hold it back in order to say the correct answer. This really showed the nature of both systems where system 1 acts on impulse and system 2 is more calculative. 

I think that our minds are beautiful and intricate systems. The two systems actually remind me of different offices or departments working to give us a proper response to our environment. It also kind of reminds me of that episode in Spongebob wherein we got to see inside of Spongebob’s mind. 

What I can take away from this lesson is perhaps we should be more mindful to not let system 1 take over because sometimes we are capable of making very impulsive decisions. There’s a time to make fast choices but there’s also a time where we need to think before we react. Let’s try not to ignore reading the instructions of a test but rather read through it carefully incase a trick question is involved. 💞

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Entry #3: My Feeling Self

Personally, I consider my feeling self as average. I think this reflects how I was raised to think that I have nothing to worry or feel sad about because I’m blessed to be alive and blessed to have the family that I have. But there are times when this mindset has hindered me from fully expressing my thoughts whenever I experience sadness or negative and unpleasant emotions.

I am lucky to have a significant other to share these negative thoughts to. I feel equally as bad however that I cannot do the same for my family because it just feels awkward for me. I am afraid of what they would say if they found out that sometimes I have had feelings of loneliness or sadness, even while I was living under the same roof as them. Currently, I have gotten used to such feelings especially now that I live far away from home and far away from my friends and family. I’ve learnt that I can deal with these things on my own without jeopardizing my mental health. I think this has more to do with how I’m aware that there are going to be times that I’ll feel this way, and it’s just a matter of how I perceive these situations that will ultimately affect how I feel in the long-run. 

I used to immediately shut negative emotions out because it made me uncomfortable. I learned that this can lead to negative effects that affect, not just your mental health, but your physical health as well. While I was experiencing something like this a year ago, I did not only feel sorry and frustrated with myself, I felt unmotivated and my self-esteem levels were at an all-time low. I also had difficulty staying awake or even having the desire to go to school. I spent my days sleeping because I always felt too tired to do anything. I sustained myself with one meal a day because eating was tiring as well. 

Having experienced something like this really changed how I approached feeling sad. I learned to open up to someone, and in my case, it is to my boyfriend of 4 years. Just being able to talk about my difficulties or my insecurities instantly makes me feel better-- better compared to keeping it inside, at least. Now, I can handle most negative feelings alone because I’m more aware of how I should deal with these things. 

In the end, I guess the best way to approach negative feelings when they become too much to handle is to talk to someone close to you. It instantly lifts this heavy burden away from your chest and shoulders because thoughts and feelings you’ve kept inside are now out in the open. I do think that there are some problems that we should face alone because to me, it helps us grow to become wiser and better individuals. But it is equally important to learn how to open up to other people and talk because there are battles that we can’t fight alone. 

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Entry #2: PPCT Model

In the past few sessions in Soc Sci class, I learned about the different parts and functions of the PPCT model. 

Demand Characteristics are personal stimuli to characteristics that influence interaction because of expectations.

Personally, if I were to define my demand characteristics, I’d say I’m a girl with chinky eyes. These characteristics that I possess affect how society treats me simply due to the standards that have already been set. Girls have to adhere to rules such as dressing up modestly, or as being weak and incapable. Generally, girls have been treated as secondary-class citizens for centuries. There have been major changes especially with feminism being a widespread cause. However, in a conservative country such as the Philippines, it is still difficult to get these ideas across. 

My parents, for example, would often use the argument that I am not allowed to do certain things such as ride jeepneys or taxis alone because I’m a girl. This has affected me because up to this day I still feel scared to go anywhere alone (I can’t even ride a Grab alone). 

Having chinky eyes are the biggest sign for people to assume my ethnicity. Well, people generally aren’t wrong about me being Chinese-Filipino. People just assume that I’m well-off or that I’m good at math or that I have the very controversial “Great Wall” (only being able to like and date other Chinese-Filipinos). But it isn’t all true. Yes, I’m Chinese-Filipino. I actually come from a middle-class family. No, I am not good at math. And no, my boyfriend is actually Spanish-Filipino with about 1/16 Chinese heritage. 

Resource Characteristics are mental, emotional, social, material affordances and opportunities or the lack thereof

I am aware that I am a privileged child, and because of this, I guess I’ve become more empathetic to the world around me. I feel like society expects me to be aware of the social injustices and the social hierarchy, and to do my best to help however I can. I often read comments on social media about how those who are blessed with money, should try to help out those who don’t. I’ve had many educational opportunities as well, and because I came from Ateneo de Iloilo and now, Ateneo de Manila, being socially aware has become ingrained in me. 

What is pretty difficult about being part of a privileged class is how there’s this unspoken rule that the things you own should have monetary value. My mom has been trying to get me to like more “branded” items because it’s somehow a way for her to help me survive in an environment where people can purchase whatever they want. I’m not judging anyone who do buy branded things because it is a lifestyle and I respect it. It’s just a little scary to be unaware and ignorant about expensive things because of what other people might say about you. 

Force Characteristics are differences of temperament, motivation, drive, persistences, and the like.

I’m generally a very obedient and determined girl. I guess, one can call me a typical goody-two-shoes girl. But sometimes, it can be difficult to get along with people who are not very motivated, especially in projects or schoolwork. My group mates may not consider the work we have to do as important, and it does bug me out sometimes. I have learned how to adjust in order to survive, though, even if it means doing more work. In some way, I would be considered by society as a reliable member.

The problem does arise if all members in the group, including myself, will feel unmotivated to get work done. This scenario has happened many times and they are moments that I regret because of the cramming and the stress that came along with it. 

College, so far, has only been slightly difficult. Coming from the province, adjusting to a place where the main language used or the environment is completely different was difficult, especially having no family around. A thing that will certainly become a very big hindrance is how sometimes, I will become unmotivated to get any work done. There have been (and there will be) many off-days for me in the future. 

Another thing that may possibly affect my college years is my ignorance towards brand names and luxury items. I do feel nervous talking about such things to people I meet by chance in school as I don’t really have much knowledge about these things. What I do expect from my peers is that they wouldn’t be so judgemental about this.

Characteristics that I think will help me survive is my sense of feminism, my empathy and desire to connect with the outside world, and my motivation. Being in a big university where many ideas are being taught, I think these are positive characteristics to possess. I do believe that I am amongst future leaders, and I think it is important to surround myself with likeminded people as well as those who do not have the same ideas. With many opinions surrounding social issues being thrown about, discourse and different narratives are things that I expect.  In the next 4 years, I think that these characteristics that I have will only grow and develop as I learn more things about society and our community. 

Different organizations in school will also give me the chance to work with more people and see the world in a different light. Currently, I’ve already joined two organizations that I love (Tugon and Barefoot) because they help me connect with people who have been deemed different or have been victimized and left to become minorities in our society. 

In the end, college will become a very different experience compared to high school for me. Being in a foreign place and a new school, I believe, will help me grow more as a person and human being because I will be exposed to different cultures and backgrounds coming together for the same goal in Ateneo. 

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Entry #1: Inside Out

Inside Out is a film that was released in 2015 by Pixar Animated Studios and Walt Disney Pictures. It follows the story of a kid named Riley trying to cope with the pressures of moving to San Francisco. What makes this particular animated film different, however, is how we get to meet the different emotions in Riley’s mind as actual personas. The emotions that were featured in the film are Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust. 

The film featured lessons concerning feelings and emotions. One part in the film that struck me is the concept of Core Memories. A core memory is an event that came from an important time in Riley’s life. These core memories would then build islands of some sort that represent key parts of Riley’s personality. This struck me because it was a beautiful way to represent how events in our lives truly start to become a part of us. When something negative or positive happens to us and it marks something in us deeply, it becomes a major aspect of who we are. It made me realize that I did not get into liking books or art by chance, the same way that Riley did not love hockey by chance. An event in our lives deeply touched us thus becoming a major milestone. 

The importance of these core memories were especially highlighted when Riley lost all her personality islands when the core memories were sucked out of HQ. HQ being severely undermanned in the absence of Joy and Sadness caused Riley’s emotions to spiral out of control and her personality to constantly shift. When Riley finally loses all her personality islands, Fear said something that stuck with me:

Fear: We can’t make Riley feel anything.  

This showed me the importance of staying grounded. Sometimes when everything just gets a little too difficult, we forget about things that make us who we are and tend to drift away from these things. It is important to always keep in mind what makes us us because these are what will prevent us from straying further away from our true selves when the world around us gets rough. 

Another part of the film that I really liked was how Sadness was able to comfort Bing-bong. Bing-bong's rocket was thrown into the dump and he was unable to save it. This caused Bing-bong to be sad because he had hoped to use it to take Riley to the moon. Joy tried to cheer him up so they could move forward with their mission, but Bing-bong was inconsolable. Sadness then steps in when Joy gives up and the former simply comforts him. This to me showed the different ways one can comfort someone in their weakest times. Sometimes, it is best to just listen and show empathy rather than immediately trying to cheer someone up. Joy used humor and positivity to help Bing-bong feel better, while Sadness just tried to help him process what happened and gain closure. It's an eyeopening scene that is really useful in day-to-day scenarios. Emotions like sadness shouldn't be set aside because more often than not, we have to face these emotions, no matter how negative or depressing, head on so that we can move forward.

One moment that truly boggled my mind was the scene where Joy was featured crying. This scene really wowed me because Joy is joy. She’s a happy character that always thinks of positivity. This really struck deep with me because, in a way, it sent me a message that even the happiest and most positive people in the world have their breaking points. Joy finally broke down because she realized she was utterly helpless at that point. Stuck in the dump, she had no means of getting back to HQ to help save Riley from losing everything that made her her. 

But a twist happens in this scene that is just as equally beautiful. Joy was replaying Riley’s core memories when she noticed that Riley was sad about missing the winning shot in her hockey game before she was cheered up by her parents and teammates. Joy realizes that Sadness is an emotion that you can’t avoid. At one point, we will have downs but that doesn’t mean we won’t have any more ups. Joy can’t stop Riley from feeling sad because it will happen, but she does have her family and friends to support her and lift her up when this happens just like the way her parents and teammates comforted her when they lost the game. 

And the final scene that really struck me was when Joy and Sadness finally worked together to help make Riley feel better again. Joy and Sadness finally got back to HQ, and Joy tells Sadness that it was she who had to take control. Sadness was reluctant but Joy convinces her by saying: 

Joy to Sadness: Riley needs you.

Joy and Sadness then worked together thus creating a new type of core memory that puts together two emotions: joy and sadness. This to me marked the start of more developed emotions where more emotions are at work. And I think this is the film’s ultimate message. We even see more combinations like anger and joy or fear and disgust. 

 We can feel one emotion but we can also feel many emotions all at once. Feeling a negative emotion like sadness shouldn’t be deemed as bad because we all experience sadness. It is a natural thing. It may hurt or feel awful but it’s what helps us grow too. We can’t just keep pent up grief because this will ultimately destroy us, the same way that it sent Riley spiralling down. Sometimes, we just have to break down, cry, and let it all out. 

This week, I learned that I shouldn’t hide feeling sad all the time. There’s a point where I just have to cry and come to terms that I do feel sad. There will be other people who try to be happy when a negative event happens, while there will be some people who would rather cry and let all the heavy feelings out. 

I also learned that when one feels sad or is feeling frustration, I should do better to comfort and support them the same way that Riley’s parents have always looked out for her. It’s also important to communicate. Riley’s parents had no clue that Riley was having a difficult time at her new home and school. It’s important to talk to always have a clear idea of what’s going on in your friend or family member’s lives. 

This movie had many lessons that I can apply in my life. I learned that I should be more empathetic and understanding of people’s feelings, emotions, and situations. I also learned that I should communicate my feelings and emotions more to my friends and family. We all have people who love us and understand us, so we should always try to remember them in our moments of grief and despair. Let’s try not to keep all our emotions locked up inside and instead, open up more to the people who cherish us. 

😀☹️😡😰🤢