jennysbrainbox

[jennysbrainbox]

Oh man isnt it just perfect when your mum walks in while youre trying to cry

[jennysbrainbox]

Another day another bad mood when will it stop

[jennysbrainbox]

Lately im finding the only thing keeping me going is the hope that things will be better. There's this silly optimist in my head telling me that whatever im dealing with will shape me into a better, stronger person one day, showing me the faint possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel. But what a fool she is, to be so blinded by "what ifs" that she fails to see that she may not even make it that far. That currently she is in complete darkness in the tunnel, with no clue as to where it may take her, no light in sight. And there are monsters that greet her in this tunnel like old acquaintances, as if she has encountered them before, and now must fight them once again.

And she is having one of those nights, where her feet are sore from walking and her head is sore from thinking. All she wants to do, all she can bring herself to do is stop and cry. In the morning she will be okay. In the morning she will forget, and continue on her path. She pushes the thought to the back of her mind. The growing realisation that these nights are becoming more frequent, that she grows weaker. One day she may go to sleep and not feel better in the morning, for she has not woken up at all. She will know that the monsters have won, and that the only creature in this tunnel is herself.

[jennysbrainbox]

I dont like this existence, 10/10 regret birth, where can i get a refund

[jennysbrainbox]

Some thoughts

Fortunately i have never had to deal with the pain and grieving associated with the death of a loved one, but the day i lost you, I felt like I had lost everything that was important to me. Watching my happiness slowly fizzle away from me, helplessly, doing everything in my power to not lose you, clearly my efforts were not successful. It wasnt until a while after, that I realised that there exists no sequence of actions I could have taken to protect or prevent myself from being hurt in the end. I think this was what was hardest for me to come to terms with, that every choice i made after the initial decision to give myself to you would eventually lead to me going through what would feel like the hardest period of my life up until that point. I also cant seem to make up my mind on whether this fact should anger me or not, right now it's more of a disgruntled acceptance. Nevertheless, if this is what it feels like to "lose a soulmate" then I'd fucking hate to lose another.

Occasionally, I remember the moments I shared with you, those perfect moments that we wished would just freeze in time, where being together made everything else in the world feel utterly insignificant in comparison. Sometimes I think about the last time I was able to hold you, kiss you, tell you how much you meant to me, if I had known then that I would never be able to do those things again, I think you would have had a much more difficult time getting me to fuck off. Having said all of this, I recognise that I am merely seeing a supercut (as Lorde would put it) of us, ignoring that some times weren't so good, but heck, if I manage to find myself feeling like this for someone again then I sure as hell know that I made no mistake in choosing that person.

However difficult the breakup was, i recognise it was a decision that was unavoidable, but the hurt of the breakup was incomparable to the pain caused by the events following (which I think I've spoken about more than enough by now). Of the friends who knew about what happened after: Nikki, and I hope you wont be too fussed, my three closest friends out of school (who haven't the faintest clue who you are and arent in social circles with anyone who knows you, dont fret), none fully saw the extent of how hard everything had hit me. I effectively shut down, stopped functioning as a human. I stopped going to my Nuffield placement entirely, I barely had the appetite to stomach a single meal a day, I no longer cared to look after myself, only left my bed when Nikki forced me to, and my mental health dipped lower than it had ever been and is still patchy at times. Being the first among my "out of school friends" to go through a breakup none of them really knew what to expect, and with the knowledge of how level headed I generally am, they assumed that I was over everything within about a week or two (lol psyche i wasnt). Not too long ago Nikki mentioned quite out of the blue how proud she was of me, of how strong I must be to have dealt with everything so well. That was when it occurred to me that she hadnt noticed how not well I was handling things at all. Then there's Urvi (bless her soul) who picked up on pretty much everything despite not knowing much, and to this day, still reminds me daily to eat my meals because she knows I tend to neglect them.

I think it should be noted that I am in a much better place now than I was in August, not perfectly functioning, i never was, but considerably better, both mentally and physically. I will not say I have gotten over everything, it still fucks me up hearing hannah plan her future around having you, when I was in her position once and struggled seeing a future without you. It was weird as fuck talking about our happy moments when you are probably in the progress of creating new ones with her. And it still hurts a buttfuck tonne when i remember what happened in August, and that you two are together now. I'm learning to accept that things are how they are, and I do not talk about the past because I haven't let go, rather, it was just a few thoughts I hadn't had the chance to voice.

Also sorry for the random post about this, and how it was such a jumble of thoughts with poor linking. It's 5:51 am (6:51 in summer time) I'm tired.

(and sorry for the overuse of parentheses)

[jennysbrainbox]

Oh god my head feels like its going to implode i wsnt tos cream

[jennysbrainbox]

My main goal in everyday life is usually to have the most positive/least negative effect on others, minimise their suffering as much as possible effectively, otherwise I feel intense guilt (damn you conscience). I dont always do a very good job of this I admit, but I try ok.

This "Good Samaritan" approach sounds great in concept but often I end up in a much worse position after doing the morally straight thing rather than going with the (usually more selfish) alternative. In retrospect, many of these unpleasant situations would have been so much more bearable had others carried with them the same mindset, however that is never the case in the real world (if it was, we'd have some brainwashed robot society where everyone thinks the same things, and that's no fun). So some people are content being happy and profiting at the expense of others, the world is a free-for-all, who cares if your actions cause someone else to struggle if it means you benefit from in the end. When i put it like that it makes them sound like such monsters, but being honest, it's such a smarter approach. Politicians dont make it to the top by being moral and honest, it's sad to think about but we live in a society that rewards slytherins more than hufflepuffs but if you cant beat them, join them I guess.

I dont know where this post is going. Im tired, and im tired of avoidable suffering, I think i might try doing more things for myself and see how that goes.

[jennysbrainbox]

There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.

[jennysbrainbox]

Hamartia

The other day I asked my friend what my biggest flaw was. She couldn't come up with an answer so we move past that topic, then a few minutes later she exclaims: "Jenny! Your flaw is that you're too nice!". It made me laugh. I wouldnt class myself as a nice person; thats just offensive to nice people. Plus, what a boring answer to the question.

From my perspective, I think my flaw is the mix of my nonchalance and complete ignorance to the idea that we dont all have the same moral compass. Im under this façade that everyone is a good person on the inside, even if they repeatedly do non-good-person things. I'm too quick to forgive and I believe in second, third, and tenth chances. I know its stupid, I know forgiving doesnt change anything, but this little optimistic voice in my head is hopeful for the 0.01% chance of a better outcome. So I trust, and get hurt, and forgive, and repeat.

I dont think I can remember a situation when trusting someone had ended well. Additionally, I feel that the people who have never broken my trust are just ticking time bombs and i should expect to be disappointed some time soon. I dont really blame them, humans are just inherently flawed (including myself). But thats not the issue. It only becomes problematic when people start realising that I'll never fight back. They realise they can do and say anything to be, no matter how bad, and I will breeze past it, forgive and forget etc. Most people, when they reach my realisation, would try to do something about it, change things so they weren't being constantly fucked over. I probably should too, but thats where the nonchalance comes in. I cannot muster enough fucks to be bothered by this, there are so many more important things to care about. Therefore, I accept my title of token doormat friend and I will live my best life with that.

Peace out.

#what an anticlimax

[jennysbrainbox]

Life can be pretty unfair but its not worth it to play dirty to succeed

[jennysbrainbox]

Oh man i love it when its late and im ill and i need to be up early but i cant sleep because my brain wont stop thinking about my pc specs and grilled cheese sandwiches and existentialism

[jennysbrainbox]

Letter to me

I know you're scared. The future is uncertain. You're afraid things will never be good again, you're afraid that you will only continue to spiral downwards. But lets not forget the good things that have happened in the past, and if things could turn out in your favour before, chances are they will again. Low points in life are inevitable, you've dealt with them before and you will learn to deal with this one, just give it some time and everything will be okay.

[jennysbrainbox]

Why is it impossible to just have male friends without something stupid happening? Just a nice and wholesome friendship between a male and a female, is that too much to ask for? Why does my birth gender bring forth so much trouble i dont want this life

[jennysbrainbox]

I just had the best wee of my life

[jennysbrainbox]

So I guess I'll go home into the arms of the girl that I love

The only love I haven't screwed up

She's so hard to please but she's a forest fire

I do my best to meet her demands, play at romance

We slow dance in the living room, but all that a stranger would see

Is one girl swaying alone, stroking her cheek

[jennysbrainbox]

I always feel a certain level of guilt whenever I can feel myself getting closer to someone new. I'd rather distance myself and save them from being introduced to my shitstorm than form any meaningful friendships.

[jennysbrainbox]

I cant wait for winter, for waking up before the sun does, being able to see the condensation of your breath. Theres something so comforting about entering a warm building after spending some time outside in the cold, wearing thick jumpers and pulling the sleeves over your hands, trapping in your body heat, warming up with a big mug of hot chocolate. Who knew the cold could be so welcoming? And I cant wait to go into town in the winter and seeing everyone all wrapped up in thick coats, and hats, and scarves, seeing christmas decorations in every shop window, fairy lights adorning the streets; just the thought of it gets me excited. I cant wait to be wrapped up in my duvet on a cold night, being a warm human burrito that I love to be, and watching seasonal movies in dim lighting. I cant wait!!

Winter is coming.