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jngsjngs · 6 months

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do u still have the original writing/chapter of rei recounting each love language with shoto 😭😭 that slays me every time i think abt it 😭😭 ik u rewrote hsc for the sake of reflecting your current skill level at the time but i hope u dont underestimate how truly phenomenal hsc 1.0 was

this means a lot 😭 i think i’m past the point of feeling like i have something to prove so i promise there won't be another major rewrite any time soon but that said i just went back to the original draft of the scene ur talking about and i might add her back because as it turns out i like the first version a lot more than the current one 🥹 ehe

(slipping it under the read more so u don’t have to wait) (the original was in chapter 20 of hsc 1.0 which felt a little too soon so that’s why i ended up rewriting it) (a condensed version in chapter 27 now!!!)

〰️

I was a good twenty minute walk away from campus when Ochako texted me saying I had to get to class in ten. It wouldn't have been an issue if I had the authority to speed up using my Quirk, but without a provisional license, I was just a mere civilian hoping her homeroom teacher wouldn’t notice her absurd amount of tardies. Despite my general dislike for unnecessary physical exertion, it’s said that desperate times call for desperate measures, and that, in addition to my fear of Aizawa-sensei, convinced me enough to make a run for it.

Defeating Villains required a decent amount of cardio in its own right. Kamihara-sensei helped improve my stamina by about double my previous limit, but I still couldn’t fathom running for the sake of running, and doing it so early in the morning worsened the burning in my lungs tenfold. I made it down the hall from our classroom before I had to stop and catch my breath, clutching my shirt as an embarrassingly searing ache shot through my chest.

"Should I call for help?"

I almost didn’t turn around if only because I had no reason to look behind me. At this point, I wondered if my Quirk possessed an unknown characteristic that allowed me to sense him before I could tell that someone stood next to me in the first place. Or maybe the fact that I thought of him so frequently these days turned into somehow summoned his presence.

"I could've died in the time it took you to ask that," I said, looking up at the boy standing about a foot away from me.

Todoroki didn't even bat an eye. "Your jokes are almost as impressive as your streak of tardies."

"I hope Aizawa-sensei finds it in his heart not to mention that to my mom," I mumbled, letting out a huff of exhaustion and exasperation. "Not my fault no one woke me up earlier."

"I heard they tried calling you nine times."

"You can’t prove that."

"Yaoyorozu told me, and if I had to pick the least likely person in this school to tell a lie, we both know it would be her."

A prickly feeling coursed through my veins when he uttered Momo's name. I learned a lot about myself during our week of internships, and that allowed me to admit that though I didn’t consider myself a self-loathing person by nature, I had grown to dislike facets of my personality over a gradual amount of time. It didn't occur to me the first time it happened since I had just woken up, but I was awake enough now to recognize that jealousy fed on such insecurities, and jealous and insecure was exactly what I was.

My envy didn't manifest as a possessiveness over Todoroki or unwarranted dislike towards any individual that looked his way. The more I thought about it, the more I confident I felt that I didn't mind if he talked to Momo, especially not when I considered them two of my closest friends. No, it presented itself in the form of whispers in my mind telling me that I wasn’t good enough, and that someone would always be better, not just for him, but in every sense of the word.

"I trust Momo not to aid you in tarnishing my reputation," I said, reeling in any negative feelings committed to surfacing.

Todoroki didn’t respond, and for a moment he didn’t say anything at all, but I had long since grown accustomed to his bouts of silence. I left him with his thoughts for a minute and expertly spurned mine until he spoke again.

"You called Yaoyorozu by her first name just now, and earlier this morning she called you," Todoroki said, hesitating. "Rei."

In spite of my petty inner turmoil, the corners of my mouth curved into a satisfied smile. "I didn't expect her to agree."

"What do you mean?"

"I asked her for a favor," I said, sparing him another glance from my peripheral. "It's kind of lame on my part, but that was it."

Todoroki stared straight ahead, but turquoise slid to the corner of his eye to meet my pair of crimson.

I could admit that I was jealous of Momo from the very beginning. The day of the apprehension test, I was disappointed because she placed first while I ranked below someone I accidentally called Bakagou. Though I also knew my friends better now and would've just as easily admitted that I deeply respected and admired her and the blond, I couldn't help but feel like I was somehow ten steps behind her. And him. And Todoroki.

"Should I call you," Todoroki hesitated again, and I started to wonder if something about my nickname made it particularly difficult for him to pronounce. "That, too?"

"No need to hurt yourself."

Todoroki shook his head, this time rather adamantly. "It's not what you think. I was just curious if you preferred it over your surname."

"Do you have a preference about what people call you?"

"Not particularly."

"You picked Shouto as your Hero name for a reason.”

It might not have been the best time to initiate a potentially deeper subject that seemed strangely significant under the surface since we didn't have much time in general, but I had a feeling Todoroki didn’t trail off into silence for no reason and tried to fill the holes in the conversation for him.

"Todoroki is an important name," he said, averting his eyes to his shoes. "I've accepted it as part of my identity because I had no other choice, but if it were up to me, people wouldn’t see me simply as Endeavor's son."

"You don't want to be a better version of your father, but the best version of yourself."

Todoroki looked up at me in surprise and slowly settled into the expression as if he should've expected as much. I stared at him knowingly, perhaps all too well. The two of us shared such similar stories when it came to family, but none felt better or worse, not even entirely the same. I thought of them more like asymptotes coursing on a continuous line, approaching a curve without actually meeting at any finite distance.

His troubles sounded familiar to a precise degree, but he dealt with them in ways I sometimes couldn't fathom. Todoroki learned to significantly humble himself now in comparison to the first few weeks I'd known him, but he still possessed a remote level of arrogance, which, combined with his tendency to be solitary and sort of aloof, often made him take the initiative without considering the opinion of others. I, on the other hand, cared too much about what people thought of me.

The urge to improve because you wanted to be better than you were yesterday had the potential to be overwhelming. It was an ineffable appetite that could only be quelled by results, and those results had the chance to turn into repercussions if you weren’t careful about how to achieve them. Todoroki learned that the hard way when he tried to depend solely on his ice. Left untouched, his flames might've turned into a conflagration that swallowed him whole.

I learned that the hard way when I tried to shoulder my burdens and everyone else's on my own. The difference was that he strived to release the weight he carried, and I grew more aware of the load I kept adding onto mine. Todoroki didn't know what it felt like to hate himself. I couldn't blame him for that, because doing so would mean I wished it upon him, and I'd never wish that feeling on anyone.

"I don't care either what people call me either," I said, lips quirking at his curious stare. "I just ask people to call me Rei because it’s the part of me they can relate to the most, and that somehow makes the whole becoming friends thing a lot easier."

"I don't get it."

"Do you think we'd have genuine conversations if you started calling me Rei?"

"We already have those,” Todoroki pointed out.

"We do," I agreed. "I never asked you to call me that because you just didn’t seem like the type to use it, but the more we got to know each other, the more I realized you never needed that crutch in the first place.”

"Do you always have to talk in metaphors?" Todoroki asked, shaking his head when I frowned. "Let me rephrase that. What do you want me to call you?"

"That was a totally different question."

"That wasn't an answer."

"I don't talk in metaphors all the time," I mumbled. "And didn't you just say it wouldn't change how we talk to each other? If it's any consolation—"

I wavered a bit, tempted to stall, but Todoroki was waiting, and I wanted to be honest.

"I like the way things are now."

My parents taught me at a young age not to criticize people for things they couldn't change about themselves. I'd like to believe I held that standard to this day, but I came to realize that I never really applied that wisdom to myself. All I could think about was how Momo was smarter than me, Ochako was kinder than me, each of the girls in our class more interesting than me in some way. I didn't want to have those thoughts about people I treasured so much as friends. More than that, I didn't want to think that about myself.

That was precisely why I couldn't entertain the thought of being in a relationship. I'd be stuck comparing myself to other people, even comparing myself to Todoroki, and I'd feel so beneath them all that I'd lose any motivation to do better and be better. As much as I disliked the bits and pieces of me that had been influenced by bouts of depression and anxiety, or perhaps especially because of it, I didn't want to be sad forever. First and foremost, I wanted to be happy with myself.

But—

Todoroki looked up at the ceiling in thought, and then nodded firmly, resolutely.

"Me, too."

—the sharper end of this double-edged sword was that Todoroki had a way of making me happier than I'd been in a long time.

"I'm going to change the subject now," I said, ignoring the sudden warmth unfurling beneath my skin. "Thanks again for what you guys did the other day."

"You started out not being able to say thank you at all," Todoroki said, smiling a bit. "And now you can't seem to stop saying it."

I stared at him straight-faced. "I am a very grateful person."

"I believe that.”

"But?"

"What makes you think there's a 'but'?"

"I've learned a lot here," I said, motioning to the walls around me. I counted plenty of times over the course of the semester when Yūei felt more like home than my actual house. "But until a couple of months ago, I didn't feel like ever going to school."

"Most people wouldn't be so opposed to attending one of the top academies in the world.”

"Would it be cliché to say you wouldn't understand?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's that."

"You can always explain it."

"I've come to realize that words very rarely do justice to emotions."

"You don't think I feel the same," Todoroki guessed, nodding in comprehension more so to himself. The double entendre to his statement made me chuckle a bit. "How would you attempt to convey your feelings to someone without using words?"

The two of us stopped in front of the Class 1-A doors. Todoroki stared at me expectantly like I had the answer to a question he couldn't seem to grasp, but I needed to think about it myself. Everyone had a different love language. Words of affirmation was one of them, but there was also receiving gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.

"I wonder," I murmured.

I looked at Todoroki and couldn’t help but think this was one of those questions we didn’t need answered. I saw the ocean and the stars in his eyes, and that didn’t fall into any particular category, but it still felt like I—

〰️

"Why are you telling me this?"

"You needed to hear it."

"Hear what?"

A surge of panic struck me when seconds passed and I had yet to receive a reply. I was afraid that he stood and left, but then he exhaled as if to remind me that he was still there, and the next thing that hit me was relief and the sudden realization that I was thankful to sit here with him.

"You've worked hard and done well,” Todoroki said. “If it’s what you want, Higuchi, you can rest for a while.”

〰️

"Here," Todoroki said, holding out a closed fist.

"What?"

"Take it."

His fingers ghosted mine as I felt him drop something into my palm, and like a broken clock, I marveled at the warmth, and then at the object he gave me, blinking rapidly in genuine surprise.

"I asked Yaoyorozu to make one earlier," Todoroki said, shrugging. "Thought it would help you get into character."

The warmth I felt no longer came from a tangible source. Heat dispersed beneath the expanse of my skin, an unfamiliar yet not unpleasant light flickering in my chest. I clutched the elastic band, a vibrant violet that dazzled beneath the sun, and breathed out a real laugh.

〰️

"This sucks," Ochako said, her lips curling into a pout. "I hope we can sit together again, Rei."

"Is it really such a big deal?" Todoroki asked, brows furrowed. "It's not like we're switching classes or anything."

Ochako turned to him, her expression looking impressively reminiscent of a kicked puppy. "You're not going to miss her, Todoroki-kun?"

I nudged his side, distinctly aware of Ashido and Kaminari listening in on our conversation from a few feet away. Todoroki blinked at me and then looked back at Ochako, shrugging his shoulders as his lips quirked the slightest bit.

"I'll sit with her at lunch," Todoroki said, glancing at me again from the corner of his turquoise eye. "Right?"

〰️

Todoroki held out his left hand, his palm facing the ceiling. I stared at it for a second, and then two, and then three.

"Well?"

"'Well,' what?"

"You're cold," Todoroki said.

"A little," I said, unable to tear my eyes away from his trembling fingers. "Are you sure?"

As much as I wanted to take this chance to understand him a little more, I didn't want him to feel like he had some kind of obligation to let me in. His eyes looked stormier than ever, and I knew right away that no, he wasn't, but something about this moment made him want to share the weight on his shoulders despite that.

"Yes," Todoroki said, his tone final. "Are you?"

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