justwaitingondeath

[justwaitingondeath]

[justwaitingondeath]

I can deal with normal anxiety and depression. I can’t deal with frantic panic attacks that lead to my anxiety going to new heights and then having that bring on another panic attack leading to me knowing that I am in public so I try my best to not freak out and scream in the middle of a fuckin train station that is packed. Internalize everything until I get to my car and then have to hold it back because I have a friend with me and I dont want to freak out so I just still keep in inside and then my natrual tremor becomes a massive anxiety-ridden tremor leading me to start having my body shake like a fuckin helicopter blade only to have to reply that I am just cold to them to explain the shaking when they ask then having to drive after calming myself down to a normal anxiety amount. Only to have everything become so emotionally and physically draining that I just want to crawl into a ball and die... Then depression kicks in after the anxiety is over making me feel like shit then bring in the over thinking which then brings my anxiety back to make me have another panic attack again... HOLY FUCK DO I HATE BEING UNSTABLE

Moral of the story is fuck being mentally ill and the assisted suicide law should also apply to mentally fucked people like me...

[justwaitingondeath]

Disengage//Suicide Silence

[justwaitingondeath]

overstressed and underfucked.

[justwaitingondeath]

Therapist: and do you think maybe you're choosing to be self destructive?

Me: yup

Therapist: and what are you going to do about that?

Me: probably keep doing it

[justwaitingondeath]

Low key know I don't have the will to go past 23. I have actually reached my limit and now I am just enjoying the fall...

[justwaitingondeath]

I get that “it takes time” for shit to come through but like damn dude how many fuckin years do I have to wait until I find the one? I have gone through multiple cheaters, abusers, and manipulators. Not one was good to me but damn do I miss that feeling of fake love. Fuck it just give me more of that shit so long as I feel a little worthiness even if it's for a brief second. I need that feeling of being wanted, not being ridiculed by people or being bitched out by family for random shit that is not even my fault...

[justwaitingondeath]

I thought I could lie to myself. I thought I could run away from these emotions. I wanted them to not be true but it has brought me more sadness than just accepting the fact. I really like this one girl but she will never like me back the same way anymore. She was the only person who stuck through the roughness and still put a smile on their face at the end of the day. She was the only person who I could feel comfortable in my own skin. All she had to do is breath and she would make my day better. I want to be with her but I can’t, I have fucked any chance over by that. The amount of time that we have spent together has made me into something she could never be with and even tells me every waking moment. She means no harm by it but she doesn’t know how I feel. How could I tell her? that would just make our normal relationship just more complicated than before.

I just want to be able to hold her and let our pains wash away. but that will never be and I have to just accept the fact that she doesn’t see me in that light. She already likes someone else anyways and constantly tells me about him... Fuck emotions and fuck love its just a constant realisation that nothing good lasts forever and that everything will just die in the end

[justwaitingondeath]

Wtf every time I try to get some help I just always get fucked by time or just by life in general... I guess I ain’t allowed the self healing i need lol

[justwaitingondeath]

So I get that people are all jolly this time of year and that most people just hide the fact that they’re in pain because of the fact that its Christmas. Being someone who was raised in a household that didn’t celebrate anything it's often hard for me to understand how much this time of year matters to them. I, on the other hand, hate this time of year. It's filled with nothing but shitty people who freak out over the slightest little thing going wrong. Kids who scream and run around like crazy people and the parents thinking its okay to let them do this because of Christmas. Not to mention that this month is just a fuckin terrible month for me so I am naturally in a sad mood just shit piling on shit piling on shit just makes this month unbearable for me. I have no joy and everybody just sucks the living life force out of the day because their lives matter more than the lives of the general population... royally fuck this month....

[justwaitingondeath]

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS

I really dont know what to do at this point. I get that each day is a constant battle I will have to fight alone but I was not prepared for this type of fight. 5 years of knowing what this feeling was and how many years before I found out I have been fighting. I have made many mistakes in my life and every single day I relive those same events. All my friends that have passed away I can still hear and still remember their faces after they passed. I remember seeing my best friend in high school with his ear nearly ripped off and his skull smashed in. Hell even seeing a bikers head fly off after a crash is still something that haunts me to this day. I am a weak person and I have never been strong enough to deal with these losses and also deal with my own personal head problems. each day that goes by is one day closer to my best friends death and what's even worse is I also celebrated his birthday on the same month. 3 years and I still feel like he just passed. I am at the point of where I don't care if I cry. Hell, I am already crying every single night and silent screaming so I don't wake up anybody. I know that I should reach out to those around me but everybody has massive problems and my problems are something that they don't need in their life or even have to worry about. I am just the wrong person for this world and I should have been saved from my last attempt. The doctor should have just called it when my heart stops there and then... Life would have been much better for those around me from then to now....

[justwaitingondeath]

I am running around in circles. I feel completely useless to those around me or I just feel like big baggage for them to carry around. I don't like being like this and I really don't like having to depend on people for happiness, everybody tells me that I won't be good in a relationship and would be more of a burden. While I agree 100% that I should not be in a relationship, it’s still something that makes me feel like life is worth living. Having someone tell you that they love you is something I never hear from the heart. It’s always a half-assed joking “I love you” and while I don't know what they truly mean by that it comes across as more of a general saying that people use rather than anything that means something. That is something that is not the main point but is something that has diminished overtime for me. I just want a real reason to keep on living, everybody tells me to find something I am passionate about but when everything I look at is just fucked up and anything I do want to make a change in I have no real interest in going into; like I am very into environmental change but I don't give a shit about learning about how to make the earth better, I just know that the shit we’re doing now needs to stop and people need to come up with better solutions to the CO2 emissions. I don't want to try and figure out that shit nor do I care to learn how to do that. It's just hard to keep a passion when I just naturally have a bad thought process towards anything now. Now that I am writing this I realised that I am rambling about different things while still remaining the “same” topic.

I just don't know what to do at this point. I sought help but I have to wait 3 months before my appointment is because they’re so backed up. I called and texted every distress line, I tried talking to people but they just gave me the same answer and I have already been doing that for 3 years and its not been working. I really don't know what to do at this point. I can't keep on going like this. I need to have a reason to live before I run out of my will, and I am running on empty. I also can’t just outright say to people “HEY I AM VERY DEPRESSED AND ON THE VERGE OF DOING SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE PEOPLE CALL THE HOSPITAL”. I can't talk to those around me in person because every time I have they have made everything so awkward that it would have been better if I just keep those things to myself. I honestly just want someone to come up to me without explanation and just hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Maybe then I will cry in front of someone and have this weight lifted off me. But that for sure is never going to happen because everybody knows me as the funny, asshole, dick, loser, faggot, and any other name I have been called in my life. Nobody knows me as “the guy who needs help and just wants to rest his head on someone else for a little bit”... Well, time to get off smoke a shit ton of weed and then hopefully pass out and wake up to do nothing in my life again and to have everybody around me not know what I am thinking and to joke about all my suicidal tendencies because that is how I cope.

[justwaitingondeath]

Me: *driving along to work*

Depression: "hey you should drive off the bridge"

Me: "no I have to go to work and I don't got time to deal with you"

*some time passes*

Depression: "oh look another bridge this time its over water"

Me: "shut the fuck up"

[justwaitingondeath]

[justwaitingondeath]

Reaching out is impossible

While I do have friends that reach out to me and ask me if I am okay. I will always have the feeling like I am just a petty little bitch. My friends are my world and I would do anything for them but sometimes I need some help too; Which I do get but the only problem is that its not really “professional” help. I tried these crisis lines and I have to say that they didn’t even make me feel remotely better. I talked about my issues and what I am facing but all it seems like they did was just send me places where I can reach out and talk to someone in person. I get that it's hard but like I just don't feel better about my situation in the slightest. I am hella depressed, constantly having to say that I am not suicidal but saying that I do wish I was never born and was never even thought about. Constantly having to tell myself that the anger and guilt I feel is not right and then those anger and guilt turn towards me and I just end up hating myself even more. I just really need to get out of this pain it's been 5 years and I am drowning and I can’t even see the light

[justwaitingondeath]

Everyday i feel this. Even though i don’t do anything that deserves praise because i am a useless fuck with no talents lol

[justwaitingondeath]

I need help and when I reached out I just get told I need to deal with alone and nobody will help you out. I can't talk about my feelings or even what I really want because it's pedy shit. I just want to cuddle and just fall asleep and forget about these problems. I know I don't deserve it now or ever but I sure as hell want it and crave those desires I guess