kabir052

[kabir052]

I'm a jealous friend. Like I only want few friends but close to me. I don't care if they aren't intelligent or smart or rich or all that. I just want kind, loving and caring friends. And I'd kill myself for them a million times over and over again. But I failed to find friends who'd do the same for me. I do think that expecting them to put in the same efforts or value the friendship as much as you do, is unfair. But why do I feel insecure about friendships whenever I see them with others laughing and smiling. Am I not good enough friend?. Am I not as cool as them? I swear a small part of me dies everytime I see one of my friends with someone else just having fun. I know that that's wrong and unfair. The funny thing is I am always there for my friends be it a breakup or an accident or illness, but I push them away whenever I'm suffering and I keep expecting them to show up and take care of me and then ultimately get disappointed and heartbroken. I know I'm stupid. I can't let anyone take care of me, even when I can't take care of me. What an Irony.

[kabir052]

This is the loneliest I've ever felt in my entire life. I thought it would get better after school and I'd find friend for life in college. Don't get me wrong I did find them but I guess I set the bar so high in my mind that they couldn't possibly compete with that. But still I hadn't atleast lost the confidence that I had in myself, the confidence that I was smart, intelligent, studious and hard-working (atleast when it was required). I realised how tough it is outside the confines of hometown, your school, and your home friends. The best thing that ever happened to me was finding love in my bestest friend in college. And she did too (something I'll never understand, and we joke about it a lot saying she has "a bullet in her brain" #paradisePD) and so we dated. And it was magical. We were perfect. I forgot about my issues but they resurfaced after a while. We had to break up because of societal issues and religion. I'd be lying if I said we didn't have our problems but I truly believed we would've worked them out. I did have a depressive phase before but this is nothing like that one. I haven't had suicidal thoughts yet but more often than I'd admit, I find myself thinking how good it would be if I didn't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't have good medical facilities nearby me to get better. Tbh, I don't even know if I should. Last time when my parents found out I was taking antidepressants they flipped out and changed so much that I can't even recognise them anymore and they are of a different time period and don't believe in depression and mental health problems. My father even said "play some sports, keep a strong mind and pray to god, you don't need to take pills for feeling down". I couldn't believe he said that being a medical student and seeing people actually suffer from life threatening depression. But I did stop taking the pills, stopped seeing my psychiatrist. Started acting out, flunking classes, studying the bare minimum to pass, seeing my below average results and feeling even more depressed and confidence less, eating junk food, and pushing friends away. Now I am at the point in my life where if I don't turn this self destructive behaviour around I won't be able to achieve my life goals and dreams to be a medical practitioner in US.i don't even know why I am saying all this here. I guess I have no one else to vent to.