katelynnkanga

[katelynnkanga]

[katelynnkanga]

𝑬𝒙c𝒆𝒓p𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒑𝒐𝒆𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒃𝒐𝒐𝒌 “𝑨𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖” 𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓: 𝑩𝒐𝒚 𝑩𝒍𝒖𝒆, 𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒃𝒚 𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕: 𝑺𝒂𝒍 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒐𝒏 (𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒂𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 ) 𝑬𝒅 𝑶. 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝑵𝒐𝒘!

[katelynnkanga]

[katelynnkanga]

[katelynnkanga]

And so many days, I think, “I’ve accepted this. I get it.” Like I’m some actual grown adult that can handle loss.

But then today I thought of you. I thought of you so much that I laughed aloud as if you were right there making a joke, and then the tears came like torrential downpour and couldn’t stop.

[katelynnkanga]

I watch the Haunting of Hill House over and over because it makes me think of you. And these dreams that I have, with you in bad situations that you’re trying to get me away from, they make me scared, like death didn’t help you escape anything.

Happy Birthday, Luke and Nell Crain! (21.02.1986) “It’s a twin thing.”

[katelynnkanga]

[katelynnkanga]

And just like that. A year has gone.

[katelynnkanga]

[katelynnkanga]

this whole “job thing” is rlly starting to get in my way. i need to watch made up people falling in love on tv, and then i need to read more extensively about it online. why is that so hard to understand

[katelynnkanga]

the chocolates your total comes to onemilliononehundred HuUuh

yeaAah thats whatit saAays, that mustbe REALLYgood chocolate paperorplastic

uuweweuundeheuhme

[katelynnkanga]

Vincent Giarrano on Instagram

[katelynnkanga]

Vitkaninn on Instagram

[katelynnkanga]

[katelynnkanga]

The thing is, nobody can miss them the way I do. Not in a pompous way, but it’s true.

My brother helped me pick my bedroom paint color. He watched me edge the trim, ready to critique, but didn’t. He told me I’d picked a good color for a “master bedroom.”

He came over only minutes after he knew I was having a hard time putting my ceiling fan in. (A task he had no problem telling me was beyond my skill level, and immediately wanted to do it so I didn’t electrocute myself.) It was more daunting than I knew; I had to go to work while he was still getting it up. So, he sent me a video of it when he was done. Now it clicks, but I can’t “fix” it, because he did it. He gutted my bathroom. Helped put all my ceilings and walls up. Taped, sanded, carried debris. Slept over, did face masks. Brought his son. My dogs adored him. They shared food from silverware (something I don’t even do.) He helped my husband put up the garage roof while I wasn’t even home.

My dad wasn’t a renovation person. He was so proud, all the time. As if I had any idea what I was doing. He picked up the bathroom vanity with me. He heard me gruel over every decision. He loved seeing my brother and I do it all together. He loved my pets. He loved my paintings. My skittish woods cat came over to him right away. Loves at first sight. He wanted to help, he was always there to move and do heavy lifting, he’d moved me several times before. He was happy I wasn’t moving to Utica again, and was moving with a boy who was as equally scared I could get kidnapped if out of sight, as he was.

It went from that, somehow, to the last day they’d both be at my house at the same time. My two Tom’s. One out of awareness… Pleading for me to bring him somewhere too dark for him, to get “shower shoes.” The other asking why I’d paint “the Loch Ness monster” in the bathroom. Me pleading with both, one with words, one over text, not to leave. Full of fear. The dogs barking like mad every time my brother moved an inch. Only one cat who dared to make the connection, (and overdid it, refusing to leave my brother. On his chest despite me asking her to stop since he was having a hard time breathing.)

You can’t know, or understand, that my brother he asked me to make him chicken ramen and nesquik chocolate milk. Our comfort foods growing up. Most of our diet. Or that he asked me and my dad to drive by one of our childhood homes because he “just needed to see it.”

You can’t know that my [now] husband showed my dad an engagement ring from his gaming room closet while I showed my [now] stepmom my flowerbeds out back.

Now ghosts. Haunting every piece of my home. Ghosts who have no business being ghosts. And no ‘good intention’ to understand can measure that or bring me comfort.

You can’t miss them like me. You can’t know.

[katelynnkanga]

I’m so angry at the two of you sometimes that I lack the words.

[katelynnkanga]