katnisscarter

[katnisscarter]

Lowkey what if the self harm problems have been symptoms of autistic meltdowns and instead of punching myself in the head I cut myself bc haha fuck

[katnisscarter]

I think I keep all those photos in the bottom drawer because sometimes I look back to see how happy you looked and how lovingly you looked at me so I don’t gaslight myself into thinking you never loved me and I was crazy. It doesn’t hurt anymore to look. But there is this… sorrow. Sadness? Grief. The life we could have had, we could have shared… there’s a warmth to those photos. Like when you see a photo of an old couple together for 50 years and you know they’re somewhere better but it’s nice to see them that way. I see them, I see us, in that same light. They’re gone, she’s long dead now and I think the kind loving you I knew is too, but. They were there. Once. And it’s okay to look at them kindly. But they’re dead, you’re just looking at ghosts now. Hollow point smiles. It’s hard to not see your arms around me as barbed wire waiting to cut me for fun. To see your hand on my face kissing me and not remember when you made it look at you in frustration. I want to tell her to run. To tell her to run and don’t look back. That the killer is right next to her. But I can’t. And I didn’t. There’s only ever love and admiration in my eyes then. And now it’s only sadness for what could have been.

But you know what? I’m going to make a lovely bride. And no one’s ashamed she’s fucked in the head now. I’m going to be his wife and he’s going to come home to me every night happy to see me and I’ll be happy to see him and we’ll dance in the kitchen and laugh until we cry and everything’s better now. I no longer have to live with the ghost of you anymore. But sometimes i still visit the grave out of respect. And that’s something you’ll never understand, respecting someone you love.

But you’ll realize one day. When you get tired of taking women to your bed searching for something you can’t seem to find until you realize you’re looking for me. And you’ll always be stuck in that, that searching. Because I’ll be watching my husband feed our baby cheerios as I glance up from my book on a Sunday morning in August. And you’ll be looking at empty sheets. And he’ll be asking me if I want more warm coffee.

[katnisscarter]

is the sign on your heart still reserved for me

[katnisscarter]

Having anotheg 'gork we have got to get out of bed faster then this' morning

[katnisscarter]

There’s a slight vindication that my friends found you on tinder again. I wonder if you feel like you made a mistake. I think you do. I mean I think you knew it was a mistake when you did it but you didn’t want to grow up then so you doubled down. And now you’re alone. You’ll never find someone that loves you the way I did. You never will. You’ll never find that unconditional love and trust and admiration I had. You’ll never feel the warmth of being loved by me again. This time I’ve decided you’re unworthy. I still wish though you’d just tell me that. I feel like it would take so much of my anxiety away. I constantly worry I’ll not be enough. I just want to hear you say you’re sorry. Because I loved you so much. So much it physically ripped a hole in me. But you don’t care anyways. It’s just. Idk. It makes me feel better atleast you’re not with a girl that told me to rot and exploited my mental health to try and put me down. I feel like you’d be better than that. Well. I guess the you I knew was. Idk. It was just a weird feeling to see your photo on my friends tinder. Anyways.

[katnisscarter]

I want to literally die I’m so ugly and fat and disgusting and fat and fat fat fat I’ll never be pretty I’ll never be beautiful I’ll never be pretty enough I’ll never be dainty I’ll never be pretty fat fat fat ugly fucking waste of a human

[katnisscarter]

Man I want to fucking hurt myself because I’ll never be skinny enough to be pretty fuck me

[katnisscarter]

tell me what you want until it hurts.

[katnisscarter]

vic fuentes' lockscreens with his own handwriting !!

like or reblog if you save <3

[katnisscarter]

call me if you’re crashing, we’ll take turns.

sambuka // pierce the veil

[katnisscarter]

Circles by Pierce The Veil

[katnisscarter]

I should just kms bc I’m such a fat fucking disgusting piece of shit lumpy full of cellulite huge ugly fuck if I had the fucking discipline i would be able to stop fucking eating piece of fat shit I hate being you no one wants to be seen out with you ugly fat fuck no one wants to see you naked ugly stupid fuck god I want to slice it open fuck fuck fuck ugh

[katnisscarter]

Did a little side project where I made the Danger Days car out of a little diecast trans-am !! I'm quite proud of it

[katnisscarter]

Sideburns and gru scarf

[katnisscarter]

[katnisscarter]

Reblog to bless ur mutuals feeds

[katnisscarter]

Reticulated Worm Snake (Amerotyphlops reticulatus), family Typhlopidae, Amazonian Peru

photograph by A. Giardenelli