kivae

[kivae]

Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness

“Putting yourself first is not selfish. Quite the opposite. You must put your happiness and health first before you can be of use to anyone else.” ~Simon Sinek

If you’re someone who cares deeply for the people in your life, you may want to do anything you can for them. This devotion isn’t always reciprocated. Not to say we should only think of things in a transactional nature, but sometimes we can selflessly give ourselves away to people who are careless with our own needs.

It often leaves us feeling like we’re being taken advantage of.

It often leaves us feeling depleted, empty, and resentful.

It often leaves us feeling like we’re trying to make everyone else happy, yet we’re miserable.

Instead of doing things because we want to do them, we end up doing them because we’re attempting to make others happy.

These are the moments that eat me alive. I end up sticking around a project far longer than I should because I’m worried about what it will mean for the other person.

For the last year, I’ve been producing a weekly podcast with a friend. When we started it gave me purpose and joy, and I loved to work on it. But now? It feels like work I dread. I think about wanting to quit all the time. It’s an energy suck on my life. And all I can think of is, will they be unhappy with me if I tell them I don’t want to do the podcast anymore?

I’m guessing we’ve all done this before—base our happiness on the happiness of others. We think…

My parents won’t be happy unless I become a doctor, so I’ll go to medical school.

My partner won’t be happy unless I prioritize their career over mine, so I’ll give up on my dreams.

My kids won’t be happy unless I devote every waking moment to their needs, so I’ll sacrifice my sense of self.

My friends won’t be happy unless I drop everything when they need me, so I’ll put my life on hold.

My family won’t be happy unless I am the person they want me to be, so I’ll put their needs first.

My cat won’t be happy unless… cats will *never* be happy. Much like most of the people who expect you to do these things for them. If they attach an expectation, you aren’t dealing with someone who values your worth and what’s meaningful to you.

They’re looking at you as a means to something they want. This isn’t saying that’s a “bad” person, it’s the reality of being a human. There’s software running in the background that is based on self-preservation. It is universal among all living organisms.

This software doesn’t exactly serve us in situations like this because it does everything it can to avoid pain and fear. And that’s exactly what’s keeping us stuck in these circumstances. We don’t want to cause pain in others, and we sure as hell don’t want to experience pain ourselves. And we fear what will happen if we say no to these people and prioritize our own needs.

Will our parents stop loving us?

Will our partner leave us?

Will our kids suffer?

Will our friends stop being our friends?

Will our family start to ignore us?

Will my cat still love me?

It’s normal to have feelings of pain and fear.

That’s worth emphasizing because you might think that the pain and fear are unique to your situation. It’s not. Pain and fear are a normal part of life.

If we can see the choices we make through this lens of pain and fear, we can better understand why others are perhaps projecting their pain and fear onto us and our decisions.

This is where it takes some courage. The only way things will ever change is if you stand up for yourself (because nobody else will). Stand up like you would for someone you love or a cause you care about. Stand up like your survival depends on it… because it does.

It’s not selfish to put yourself first (what you want to do with your life). It’s selfish to expect others to put you and your needs first (what others want you to do with your life).

I have a kid on the way. And thinking of her being here has forced me to think of my happiness differently. If I’m working on projects that feel like they’re robbing me of my time, I’m willingly sacrificing the kind of dad I want to be—present and grounded. The poor kid would be left with a warm body and a mind that is elsewhere racing with anxiety because I’m focused on making others happy.

You could do nothing with the hopes of avoiding pain and fear, but it will invite a lifetime of regret. This is the equivalent of death by a thousand paper cuts. You lose your sense of identity, your life feels meaningless, and you drift aimlessly in a life that is not yours.

This.

Is.

It.

There are no do-overs.

No second chances.

You don’t get to do this life all over again.

So don’t waste your days living someone else’s life.

In the end, I decided that who I want to be as a father is a hell of a lot more important to me than a project. And much like most things we avoid in life, I had turned the decision into something far more complicated than it needed to be. It was a lesson learned from Dr Seuss who wrote, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”

Those who matter want to see you happy.

They’re not the ones holding you back. They’re the cheerleaders of your life who ask you, who do you want to become?

Commit to living your answer. It’s not selfish. It’s prioritizing your happiness.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Chris Wilson

Chris Wilson is a bipolar creative with a knack for personal development. He geeks out on productivity, minimalism, and enjoying life. He runs Simplify Your Why, where he shares lessons learned on overcoming his battles with depression, type II bipolar, and entrepreneurship. He created a free course for anyone who wants to lead a happier, more productive life of simplicity (with less stress). Click here to access it.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

FREE Online Summit, Activating Hope, Starts on Thursday!

“Hope is what enables us to keep going in the face of adversity.” ~Jane Goodall

Hi friends! As you may know, I’m always on the lookout for free events that can help us be our best selves and create a better world. With this in mind, I’m excited to invite you to a FREE online summit, starting this week—Activating Hope: Together We Can, Together We Will.

Considering the division and chaos in the world today, it’s not easy to hold onto a sense of optimism, and it may seem pointless to do so. Hope alone won’t solve the problems we face as a collective—the impacts of climate change, the uncertainty of the pandemic, the challenge of racial injustice.

But hope isn’t naivete or magical thinking. Hope can be a powerful force for positive change, igniting our inner strength and propelling us into action. That’s what inspired Jane Goodall—a beacon of hope and kindness in the world for decades—to lead this transformative event.

This FREE four-day online summit starts this Thursday, November 4th. You’ll hear from a once-in-a-generation gathering of celebrated speakers and luminaries, including:

Jane Goodall, PhD, DBE, with an opening keynote and closing remarks

Craig Foster and Ross Frylinck of Academy Award–winning documentary My Octopus Teacher

Zolani Mahola, actress, storyteller, and lead singer of internationally acclaimed South African music group Freshlyground

Silvia Vasquez-Lavado, the first openly gay woman to complete the Seven Summits

Edith Eger, PhD, Holocaust survivor, bestselling author, and specialist in the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder

Jack Kornfield, PhD, author, Buddhist practitioner, and Spirit Rock Meditation Center founding teacher

Tara Brach, PhD, psychologist, author, and teacher of meditation, emotional healing, and spiritual awakening

Bonnie Wan, partner and head of brand strategy at Goodby, Silverstein & Partners

Corrina Gould, chair and spokesperson for the Confederated Villages of Lisjan

Through inspiring stories and teachings, hands-on workshops, and illuminating conversations, you’ll learn how to hold onto hope when all seems hopeless, cultivate hope in your children, and face the challenges of your everyday life with strength and optimism.

Register here for free to reserve your spot and receive the full daily schedule. I hope you enjoy the lineup!

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post FREE Online Summit, Activating Hope, Starts on Thursday! appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

FREE Online Summit, Activating Hope, Starts on Thursday! published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

Why I Felt Broken and Unworthy of Love and What Changed Everything

“How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.” ~Paulo Coelho

He used to tell me no one else would love me because I’m damaged goods.

And I believed him.

Because I received messages for most of my life that there was something wrong with me.

I wasn’t good enough. Too sensitive. Too weak. Too sickly. Too different.

I realize now those messages were passed on to me by concerned parents who saw in me parts of themselves they didn’t fully accept.

And those messages were from parents whose own parents had used criticism as a way to motivate them to do better. They didn’t know another way. They were just trying to help me succeed.

But my little HSP soul took it to heart. I took it literally.

Then I ventured into the world as an adult choosing romantic partners who confirmed every single belief I’d held about myself since my developmental years.

This is a common cycle we perpetuate when we’re not aware that programmed conditioning is running the show.

I attracted romantic partners that played out all the emotional dysregulation from my family of origin—to confirm to me that everything my caregivers had told me was indeed true.

But I was also looking for someone to give me the love and acceptance I felt I had been lacking my whole life. I thought that would finally make me feel “normal.” I thought I would finally feel whole.

Almost a decade ago, when I was in the worst (and most dangerous) romantic situation of my life, I tried to leave.

Looking back, my friends told me they were truly concerned for my safety and my life while I was in that relationship.

I had stayed because I felt that I deserved the treatment I received. That if someone who said they loved me spoke to me the way that he did, there must be a good reason.

Although deep down inside, I had an inkling that this didn’t feel right. That perhaps being on my own was better than feeling terrible in this relationship.

When I finally stood up for myself, he made sure I knew that if I left, I’d be destined to suffer alone forever because no one else would be willing to love a broken soul like me, and that I would indeed suffer greatly.

He told me over and over again until I broke. Until I believed him.

It took two whole years to finally free myself.

In the end, what helped was seeking professional support—a wonderful counselor who helped me see that the situation I was in was harming me.

Truly, my soul was dying. I was becoming a shell of who I was, and I hate to think where I’d be now had I stayed.

The counselor helped me come to a new agreement with myself of what I was willing to tolerate in my life.

It was the first step in an awakening to some important truths I hadn’t seen before.

And I then committed to the inner healing.

I spent many a moment in a sobbing mess on my yoga mat.

I sat with the emotions that came up, even if they were uncomfortable. The fear, shame, guilt, anger. All of it.

I listened to the messages these tough emotions had for me. And there were many.

I met and befriended my inner child and realized she was scared. And that the only person that could really give her the assurance and comfort she truly desired was me.

I had a dark night of the soul. My second (of three to date). Just as uncomfortable as the first.

Just as the initial one had, this dark night delivered a deep realization that the path I was on was not leading me in a direction of my truth. I was moving away from my own inner light, not toward it.

It was the jolt I needed to change. It was then that I finally mustered the strength to leave and not turn back.

I didn’t yet know where I was going, but I knew it was going to be a different direction than where I had been. It had to be.

I had changed my perspective about myself, and as a result, my life changed completely

The people who then showed up were of a completely different caliber. Supportive, encouraging, and accepting of me for who I am: quirks and all.

Or rather, I stopped letting in the wounded who didn’t accept me in all my bright, shiny perfect imperfection. I created new boundaries that prevented those uncomfortable with my light from trying to destroy it.

As a result, I created more room around me for people who shine themselves.

I’m now in a healthy, emotionally stable, and incredibly supportive relationship. It’s like night and day. I can see the difference now, and the contrast is remarkable.

I now see that those manipulations and insults my ex threw at me were his way to control me because he didn’t feel in control himself. It was his coping mechanism.

This behavior was most likely modeled to him from his own family of origin. This is how wounds are passed down.

But at the time I didn’t understand, because I was taking in those comments from a completely different perspective.

I was hearing those comments from the belief that there was something wrong with me, and so I assumed what he was saying to me was the truth.

Please know, beautiful soul, that you are worthy of love in every way—especially and most importantly love from yourself.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is coming from a place of woundedness. Do not let them pull you into their wounds.

Stay in your light. Stay strong to your truth.

Some may think your light is too bright, but that’s because it illuminates the wounds they’re not yet ready to face.

As a result, they’ll try to dull your light to protect themselves.

The ones who are meant for you will love your unique brightness and encourage more of it.

Because they also live their truth and shine their light bright, and they understand the importance of supporting others to do the same.

My love does this every single day.

He doesn’t think I’m broken—he thinks I’m beautiful, inside and out.

He knows I have wounds.

And the lessons I’ve learned and strength I’ve gathered because of those wounds makes me wiser.

He loves that about me. The emotional maturity I’ve gained through my journey makes me that much more appealing to him.

And I’ve also come to realize on my journey that I don’t need his love or anyone else’s in order to find my own within. That’s the most important lesson of them all.

You’re not broken, lovely human. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Michelle Dowker

Michelle Dowker, MSc, ND is a Naturopathic Doctor turned Emotional Transformation Facilitator. She is the authority in Social Unconditioning and founder of The Remedy Within: an exclusive & powerful healing approach for women with chronic illness to release what’s holding you back and unleash your inner healer within so you can soar. You can find out more about her here, and don’t forget to follow her on Instagram @wellbalanceND for more inspiring content

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Why I Felt Broken and Unworthy of Love and What Changed Everything appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Why I Felt Broken and Unworthy of Love and What Changed Everything published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

Start Your Day Right with the Magic Morning Mindset

“What nine months of attention does for an embryo forty early mornings alone will do for your gradually growing wholeness.” ~Rumi We would likely all agree that manicures, baths, and cozy movie nights on the couch all fall under the umbrella of self-care. But I believe that it’s time—actually, beyond time—to go deeper and re-claim what self-care truly means. It’s also time to see self-care as imperative, and to move it from the lonely bottom of our to-do list and plant it firmly at the very top.

For me, self-care has become my fuel and my fire. When I claim time on my calendar on a regular basis for things like play, sister time, and self-reflection, I stay in connection with myself and the things I actually want to say yes and no to.

Self-care is about clearing out the cobwebs in my mind with daily journaling and going to the gym. It’s about telling my husband, “I can’t make dinner for us tonight, my love; I need to go and have some time alone and take a bath after a long day.” And doing so without guilt.

And the miraculous thing is, the more I claim time for myself, the more I overflow with generosity and patience for the people I love most. See how that works? The more I give to myself, the more I can give to others from a place of fullness.

We would never dream of driving cross-country without stopping for fuel, snacks, and water—or trying to make the drive on an empty tank. Yet we seem to think that we can keep pushing through our own exhaustion without consequences.

When I look back at my own journey from physically, emotionally, and spiritually falling apart, to reclaiming myself on all levels, I see it all began with a decision to stop caring so much about what others thought, and to make my own wellness, happiness, and voice priorities again.

I began to notice that when I gave myself permission to speak up for myself in the moment, even as my voice was shaking, I left the conversation with a sense of wholeness, without any lingering emotions that were not honored.

When I didn’t speak my mind, and held in my opinions and needs, I ended up at Best Buy yelling at the customer service manager because I had so much pent up sadness and anger from stuffing things down and being “nice.”

The more I was honest with myself about my self-care needs, the more I could be myself with those around me.

It all started over a decade ago. I had just dropped my son off at pre-school. As I sat in my car in front of the coffee shop where I had intended to work for a few hours, I found myself unable to get out of the car.

I felt the tears start bubbling up, but they weren’t quite ready to flow yet. After all, I didn’t really have anything to cry about, did I? My son was healthy, my husband loved me, we had a steady income from his job, and I had the freedom to create a business.

Our home was warm and furnished. We had friends and family to call on. Admittedly, my sister and mother were both thousands of miles away. And my best friends were on opposite coasts. But I’d thankfully found a few new friends to share the early motherhood journey with, and they were truly lifesavers for me. I’m sure I was that for them as well.

Yet, there I sat in my car, stuck in a fog of confusion, unable to step inside the coffee shop. All I could think was, “Who the hell am I now? Where did the me that I knew so well go? And who the hell am I about to become?”

That’s when the phone rang. It was my sister (i.e. divine intervention). She asked me how I was, and that’s all I needed to hear. The floodgates broke wide open and the waterfall of tears began.

“What’s wrong??? Are you okay???” she asked.

“Yes, no, yes… well, everyone is fine, I’m fine, it’s just…I don’t know what the hell I’m feeling… I’m just… sad.” There was some kind of relief in letting myself cry and saying it out loud. It felt like a valve that had been screwed on too tightly had suddenly been released.

I realized during our conversation that part of me had been hiding for a while. This was the part of me that had been letting go of who I was little by little. As I became a wife, a mother, a resident of a new state, and a homeowner, the parts of me that were used to more freedom, more expression, and less constraint in speaking my truth, began to emerge. And this part of me was pissed, hurt, sad, and ready to run.

But I knew that I couldn’t run back to who I was before I got married and became a mama. And I couldn’t run forward either because the ground in front of me had become uncertain; I didn’t know how I was going to step into all of these new roles while still maintaining a sense of myself. All of my attention was now focused on keeping another human alive, and being the wife of this man who was now my only family in this new place.

Instead of running, I just imploded, but it happened slowly, over time, so that I hadn’t noticed.

Over the last several years of hustling to build a business, raise a baby, and build a home, my body had taken a backseat to my brain and my to-do list. And now, at this very moment, after years of pain in my belly, and sheer exhaustion, my body was ready to be honored again.

Back in the car, my sister asked me the one thing that would shift the trajectory of my life: She asked me if I felt like going to a yoga class. She said she remembered a time in our lives when I was shouting my enthusiasm for yoga from the rooftops. And admittedly, it had been years since I stood at the top of my mat and held my hands in front of my heart.

After I stopped crying, I promised her I would get me to a class.

The very next morning I was in this gorgeous azure blue and gold studio that would become my anchor over the next two years.

I cried at some point during almost every yoga class for the next six months. And I slowly began to feel my body arrive in the moment again. I could feel the parts of myself that had been hiding begin to show up and talk to me on that mat. Each pose was slowly coaxing me back to myself, and molding me into the new self that I was becoming.

About six months into my new yoga habit, Deborah, my powerhouse yoga teacher, offered a six-month yoga teacher training intensive. Even though I had no desire to teach yoga, I felt an instant yes in my heart and body.

We met every other Saturday and every other Wednesday evening. This was the first time I committed to being away from my son on a regular basis. The guilt I spread on myself was thick, but I knew I had to do this. I knew it would be what I needed so that I could actually be present when I was home and give to my family in the way that they deserved.

One of the aspects of the yoga teacher training was to commit to doing yoga every day. More specifically, every morning. As the mama of a young kiddo who was still not committing to a regular sleep schedule, my morning sleep time was not something I was willing to give up.

But I trusted Deborah as my guide and mentor. She had taught me to connect with my body and emotions on a deeper level than I had ever considered before. Through movement, writing, and meditations, she showed me how to recognize my emotional triggers and to release my tension so that I did not hold it in my body for years to come (as I had been doing all of my life). So I begrudgingly decided that I was willing to try this morning yoga thing.

I thought, “I could give up five minutes of sleep and start there.” And that is exactly how it all started. The magic was born in those first five minutes.

I noticed something shifting for me during those first few days of my new morning commitment to be someone who wakes up a little earlier to move my body, meditate, and breathe.

I noticed that my patience level with my son was expanding. I noticed that the things I had normally found frustrating became amusing. I was more peaceful during transitions, and my son began to notice as well. Even at three to four years old, he told me I looked happy. That was all the motivation I needed.

Next, I committed to ten to fifteen minutes of this morning routine. And on days when my son woke up earlier, I began leaving out a little basket of toys and books that would occupy him while I finished. There were definitely mornings when he just needed me to hold him or cuddle. And that was just fine.

I realized that this was truly an evolving practice and that he wouldn’t be four years old forever. There was no use in getting rigid about something that was meant to help me find more peace and joy.

Over the next decade, my morning yoga turned into the Magic Morning Mindset because the more I practiced, the more I found that synchronicity, laughter, abundance, and much more began to arrive with ease and grace.

I believe this is true for everyone. If you’re looking to take better care of yourself, mind, body, and spirit, the morning is where it starts.

Whether your morning mindset practice is short or long, includes yoga or dance, includes writing for an hour or for just five minutes, there’s always a benefit beyond the morning hours.

The way you start your day sets the tone for your day. Starting with the Magic Morning Mindset prepares you to be calmer, more joyful, more connected to yourself, and better able to voice your needs. By prioritizing self-care and putting it at the top of your to-do list, you’re telling yourself that your needs matter.

What is My MAGIC Morning Mindset?

M – Movement A – Alignment G – Gratitude I – Intuition (or Intention) C – Connection

How Can You Start?

1. First, set the intention that you want to create a three-step Magic Morning Mindset.

2. If you have a hard time waking up, commit to going to bed a bit earlier (even fifteen to twenty minutes will make a difference)

3. Decide what you want to do for your mind, body, and soul (you can find some ideas below).

4. Set yourself up for success—lay out a yoga mat the night before, or have your journal and a few pens ready. (I can’t tell you how many pens I’ve gone through over the years.)

5. Stay gentle by starting with five minutes.

6. Notice how you feel throughout the day after doing the Magic Morning Mindset practice.

Some Ideas To Get You Started

Mind

Write down your dreams.

Just write without editing, even if it feels really weird and you’re writing nonsensical words. Just write.

Write ten to fifteen I AM statements: ex: I am committed, I am loved, I am happy, I am light.

Write any thoughts or ideas floating around in your mind until you feel lighter.

Journal about anything that comes up while doing these practices so that you can reflect on your journey as you go.

Body

Put on your favorite song and dance.

Do three to five yoga sun salutations.

Stretch and move any way that feels good in your body.

Do some push-ups and jumping jacks until you feel warm in your body.

Journal about anything that comes up while doing these practices so that you can reflect on your journey as you go.

Spirit

Sit quietly for three to five minutes just noticing your breath.

Choose a guided meditation.

Meditate any way that feels good to you (there are countless resources).

Start with even one minute of stillness and see how it feels.

Journal about anything that comes up while doing these practices so that you can reflect on your journey as you go.

—

As with all new things in life, you may feel excited about starting your morning with some magic at first, but then find you have less time on some days than others. Over the last decade of practicing this Magic Morning Mindset, I’ve had long stretches where I’ve felt fired up and have woken up early enough to enjoy a luxurious sixty to ninety-minute morning practice. But on some days, I’ve only been able to squeeze in five to ten minutes.

I can feel the difference in my day when I choose to invest more time in my morning. But I don’t give myself a hard time when it has to be shorter. The secret sauce is to stay open and flexible, and to take it one day at a time.

As long as you are showing up for yourself in some meaningful way each morning, you are saying yes to your wellness and your joy, and staying connected with yourself.

Make this practice your own and notice the changes in your day and in your life as you prioritize your own needs and get you back on the top of your to-do list.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Elena Lipson

As a writer, speaker, and self-care coach, Elena works with women to help them reconnect to their intuition and reclaim their voice and body-wisdom in life, business, and the bedroom. Elena Lipson is the creator of the 66 Sacred Rituals, The Divine Self-Care Circle, and most recently, The Meditations & Musings Podcast. Learn more at elenalipson.com and instagram.com/elena_lipson.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Start Your Day Right with the Magic Morning Mindset appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Start Your Day Right with the Magic Morning Mindset published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

How I’ve Eased My Anxiety by Being More Present: 4 Practices to Try

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” ~Oprah Winfrey

In 2012, during my community college years, I began to experience mild anxiety.

I assume it was the stress and fear that came with maintaining a good GPA in hope of transferring to a well-known university, alongside deciding what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Or perhaps it was because of the time I knew I’d wasted slacking in high school to fit in with what I was surrounded by and to preserve my loud-mouthed drama-seeking status.

The next few years, I thought about the past and future a lot, cried, and grasped for many breaths during anxiety attacks near the campus pond.

In late 2016 I faced my first severe anxiety attack in the laundry room of my parents’ home while sitting against the washing machine and holding onto my legs curled up against my chest.

For the first time ever, I felt a heavy pain in the core of my body as if there were rocks piling up all the way to my throat and closing my airway to breathe. I had never felt so disheartened, lost, empty, and hopeless.

Soon, my anxiety attacks got to the point where I faced numbing and tingling sensations in my head, face, hands, and feet.

It wasn’t until countless severe anxiety attacks in that I had a glimpse of awareness behind my ongoing stream of thoughts. I found that I was experiencing stress and fear about what had happened in the past or would happen in the future and realized that I’d lost the present moment.

Many of us face day-to-day suffering through anxiety. We worry about progressing in our careers, getting an education, making a decent income, being there for our families, putting food on the table, and always working toward a means to an end.

I realized that many of us are constantly on the run to the future trying to be certain about what’s next, and if we slip and fall along the way, we worry about why it happened, which takes us into the past—eventually emerging from an egoic-state of fears, wants, needs, and expectations. That was me.

There’s always going to be something new that we’ll want, need, and expect while trying to stay up to par with the people and situations that surround us. We’ll spend a lot of time sulking over setbacks, failures, and loss. Ultimately, suffering from stress and anxiety will bury what we’re meant to experience, learn, and grow from in this moment, the present moment. Because we can’t fully immerse ourselves in this moment if we’re worrying about the next or regretting the one prior.

I’ve spent the last few years exploring, reading, learning, and practicing how to heal stress and anxiety with the simple, yet profound practice of being present, conscious, and aware.

With this practice, I’ve strengthened my ability to acknowledge and allow suffering to take its course when facing life’s inevitable difficulties and challenges.

The following are a handful of ways I practice presence, which has not only dissolved my anxiety, but also awakened my gratitude for the great joy and peace we can experience once we become conscious and aware in this moment.

4 Ways to Practice Presence

1. Practice non-judgment, non-attachment, and non-resistance.

You can lose yourself into the past and future when you’re judging, getting attached to, and resisting what is. This is because we become fixated on our wants, needs, and expectations of the moment instead of fully experiencing it. If we want to minimize our suffering, we need to be here in the present moment and allow what is to be and pass.

I know this practice is easier said than done.

I’ve had days where I was over the moon with immense joy during moments of achievements, when sharing laughs with family, and while celebrating milestones like my wedding. I also became attached, wanting the moments to last forever and feeling saddened that they had to come to an end.

On the contrary, I’ve also had days where I felt gutted and devastated over the loss of my dad, and I couldn’t help but judge and resist the experience of losing him. I had expected him to be around for future milestones and heartfelt moments.

Yet, I’ve learned that moments are undeniably and inevitably temporary. Joy doesn’t last forever, but neither does pain. Allow the painful moments to be and pass and truly savor the good ones with your presence and full attention.

Practice being and experiencing this moment as it is without judgment, attachment, and resistance. Enjoy the good moments and learn and grow from the ones that aren’t that great.

This will allow you to surrender to and accept the process and flow of life, which is the key to decreasing your suffering.

2. Focus on your breath.

Realize that you have no control over your past or future breath, only the one in this moment right now. Similarly, you have no control over what happened in the past and can never be certain of the future.

In many experiences in life, from meditation, yoga, exercise regimes, and sports to childbirth and even suffering, we’re always reminded to just breathe. It’s the breath that guides us into the present moment where the actual being and doing is.

Try your best to concentrate on the inhaling and exhaling momentum at a gentle and patient pace throughout your day. It’s a form of meditation that can be done anywhere and anytime to dissolve any stress and anxiety you face.

I practice this throughout my day all the time whether I’m at work or on the couch, just to redirect my focus into the now, especially when I become aware of nonstop thoughts, which can set the stage for suffering.

This practice brings you out of your head and into your body and allows you to immediately shift your focus away from your worries, fears, and regrets.

3. Immerse yourself in nature.

Have you ever felt immense peace while looking at the sunrise or sunset and a calmness when around trees, flowers, plants, rivers, lakes, and waterfalls?

When you’re with nature, you instantly become connected to its stillness, silence, and simplicity.

Even during the roughest storms, nature reminds us to become in sync with what is to allow the storm to take its course and pass.

To be in nature, you don’t have to go far. Step into the backyard or take a walk around the block. Pay attention to the beauty of the flowers or the rustling wind in the trees and embrace the peace and joy that arises from it.

You’ll find that nature truly has a way of reconnecting you to this moment.

4. Be grateful and trust what is.

So grateful, I whispered to myself as I stood outside in the backyard watching my puppy Oakley running back and forth on the grass, my husband playing with him and the sun setting.

It would have been easy to lose myself to thoughts about what’s next and why I still at times feel lost and hopeless, but those thoughts never resolve how I feel and only ignite my anxiety. I decided to instead be grateful for the blessings in that moment, trust that what’s next will get here when it does, and for now, practice being present with what is.

Be grateful for what is right now, even if you’re going through challenging times. Let your trust for the process be bigger than your fear, stress, and anxiety. When you trust the process, you tell life that you are one with its flow and allow the experience to make you stronger, teach you something new, and guide you onto a path of growth.

Take a breath to recenter yourself into this moment and look around to see what you can appreciate. Perhaps it’s this blog, a family member, your pet, a plant, a cup of coffee, or a meal. Maybe it’s the sun or rain.

It’s easier to let go of the past and stop trying to control the future when you’re fully immersed in the now. Whatever your life entails in this moment, be present with it, because that is the ultimate path to healing and finding your power in life.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Jasmine Randhawa

Jasmine Randhawa is a former personal injury law paralegal with more than seven years of education and experience in research, writing, and personally working with many who suffered from stress, anxiety, trauma, and loss. She now enjoys sharing ways to rise above suffering and inspire everyday presence, joy, and peace through her writing as she faced severe anxiety herself. You can visit her website at https://www.jasminekrandhawa.com/; Instagram @jasminekaurtoday; or Twitter @jasminekaur2day for more.

Web | Twitter | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How I’ve Eased My Anxiety by Being More Present: 4 Practices to Try appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

How I’ve Eased My Anxiety by Being More Present: 4 Practices to Try published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

How to Increase Your Sense of Control and Boost Your Resilience

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” ~Maya Angelou

When I look back, I am amazed at how differently I dealt with adversity the first few decades of my life.

Growing up in a stressful home primed me to experience life with caution. Whether it was being afraid of physical harm, loneliness, or failure, I’ve lived my life with an exaggerated fight-flight response to everything. Adversity seemed around every corner, and no one was ever there to save me.

I developed maladaptive mechanisms to minimize, avoid, or go around the things I was afraid of.

I became a quiet and obedient kid to avoid my father’s anger.

I accepted whatever sliver of love my chronically overwhelmed mother was able to give me.

I settled for the last pick on the team. I quit afterschool theater after I was assaulted on the way home one evening.

I gave up on art school because my father wanted me to be a teacher.

I went to a music school as he wanted and quietly accepted my instructor’s abuse.

On and on, hurt and disappointment became my constant companions, and I learned to just take it. No one seemed to care that I struggled. No one saw me.

Over time, I learned to accept that the world was just cruel and indifferent to my pain. I learned that I have little control over my circumstances. I learned that I can either fight and fail or stay quiet and survive. I learned helplessness.

I know now that my childhood wasn’t that unique, but for a kid, it was isolating and debilitating. I thought I was the only one who struggled like this. I felt different, alone, and somehow deficient. I developed low self-esteem and anxiety that soon morphed into this chronic feeling of impending doom.

I carried that sense of dread and defeat into adulthood. Hypersensitive to stress, I avoided things that would challenge and overwhelm me. I looked to others for permission, approval, and validation. I allowed things without a fight, latched onto any good thing that came my way, and accepted crumbs from others never daring to stand up for myself and ask for more.

They say that what doesn’t break you makes you stronger but for many—those without a healthy foundation—life’s big and small traumas build up and eventually show up as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, or PTSD. I developed most of these.

Resilience Can Be Strengthened

We all respond to adversity differently. Research shows that a loving, emotionally responsive, and supportive environment during childhood fosters psychological resilience throughout life. But even if we didn’t get that strong foundation growing up, we can still build resilience now.

We can learn to overcome helplessness by increasing our sense of control.

Finding Peace in the Present Moment

The most significant practice that allowed me to shift out of state of helplessness and offer me some sense of control was mindfulness.

Instead of reliving the past—the pain, resentments, and disappointments—or worrying about the future, I could find peace in this moment, right now. I couldn’t change what happened and can’t control what’s to come, but I can decide how I move now. In this very moment, I can control how I respond to life.

A deep inhale, noticing my child’s smile, the scent of garlic as I cook dinner—I can focus on here and now, fully absorbing life through all my senses, knowing that in this moment I am okay.

And, if I’m feeling stressed or unsettled, I become curious instead of trying to outrun it. I start paying attention to my body, tracking sensations, observing where I’m feeling tightness, consciously releasing the tension as I breathe in and out. This way, I can help regulate my nervous system and shift the patterns of reactivity. I remind myself to breathe as I ride the wave, trusting the discomfort will eventually pass.

Learning to Move Through Negative Thoughts

Once I allowed myself to feel what was going on in my body in times of high stress, I began noticing what I’m thinking and feeling in the midst of turmoil.

It can be difficult to not get overwhelmed by the negative thought patterns engraved deeply in our minds, patterns we’ve been falling into for decades, without much conscious examination. Looking at those now, I realized how detrimental my mental scripts were to my well-being.

With the help of my journal, I learned to reframe negative events, bring perspective into my experiences, and focus on what I could learn from them.

For example, I’ve carried with me this feeling of failure as a young parent. For those first few years, I was living in a constant state of overwhelm, and there was a lot of guilt for not being good enough of a mom, feeling like a fraud and a failure. When I took a step back, I realized there was a multitude of circumstances going against me that made this part of my life extremely difficult, and I was just doing my best.

I had three children super close together (three under three), which in itself was a Sisyphean task. I had just moved across the country and had no real friends or family to support me. My husband worked long hours, many weekends, often out of state. It was a lot to take on, and I was virtually on my own.

Looking at this part of my life, I realized I had unrealistic expectations of what it meant to be a good parent. I also realized my perfectionist tendencies and the relentless pressure I put on myself stemmed from my fears of perpetuating generational trauma.

This way of thinking wasn’t constructive—it was making me miserable. Slowly, I began noticing when these tendencies showed up, and instead of feeding them, I’d just watch them come and go.

Mindfulness allowed me to move through negative thoughts and memories instead of getting stuck in them. I would observe what was going on inside my mind, breathe through the turbulence offering myself compassion for my struggles, and remind myself that I was doing the best I can. Over time I stopped being so hard on myself, and eventually shifted out of the habit of ruminating for good.

Enjoying Something That You Do Well

Spending time doing something that I can do well reminds me how it feels to succeed.

I have always enjoyed gardening. It is my escape from the hustle and stress of today’s fast-paced world—my garden is my sanctuary.

Watching my garden transform over the decade from a lot of dirt to where it is today—with all the fruit trees, veggie boxes, shrubs, grasses, and blooming annuals—brings me a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.

Finding something that you do well, and practicing it regularly builds confidence, self-esteem, and fortifies a healthy ego. It is imperative to have hobbies that you excel at and can turn to in times of stress or unpredictability.

Spending Time in Nature

We live in a world of chronic stress and anxiety. We are always plugged in and on the go, constantly planning, thinking, and doing, all the while feeling disconnected from ourselves and the world around us.

Modern-day life means living in our heads a lot. To counter that, we need a practice that will ground us and bring us back to balance. And nature is one of the most grounding elements that we have.

Being in nature down-regulates our nervous system and brings about relaxation. Even a short walk can improve our mood and reduce anxiety. Disconnecting from our daily grind this way—all the responsibilities, worries, and electronics—rebalances our body, mind, and soul. Our problems become less significant and impending. We can exhale, if only for now.

There are many ways we can ground ourselves in nature this way. Gardening, walking, or even taking care of houseplants can be grounding. I like watering my garden in the evening, repotting plants on Saturdays, and long walks around a lake on Sunday mornings. Find your own natural zen. Soak in nature’s energy as often as you can—it’s healing.

Caring for and Nourishing Your Body-Mind-Soul

We can’t be resilient if we are depleted.

When my kids were little, I barely had time and energy for self-care. I neglected my needs—whether physical, emotional, or mental—just like I was raised to ignore them growing up. Self-neglect is a trauma response, and years went by before I realized I was just perpetuating old wounds.

As a result, I felt chronically depleted and anxious. Every little mishap or challenge would stress me out, whether it was a kid’s tantrum or packing up for a weekend trip. I was living in a state of chronic overwhelm, emotional dysregulation, and low-grade depression.

As kids grew older and more independent, my healing turned a corner. I could finally go beyond basic self-care like showers and eating well, and focus on truly nourishing my body, mind, and soul. I now prioritize self-care like my life depends on it because it does.

Focusing on the basics, I prioritize sleep, movement, and practices that nourish and relax me—long baths, longer walks, healthy food, reading, gardening, music. I rely on boundaries to protect my energy and inner peace. I practice mindfulness and do things with intention. I plan ahead to avoid rushing or multitasking. I fill my own bucket.

With so much out of our control, caring for ourselves—body, mind, and heart—is the one thing we can do.

——

While challenging times are a given in life and we can’t always change our circumstances, we can have a different relationship with what’s going on outside of us. We can learn to surf the waves if we stay mindful of practices that strengthen resilience. And that is empowering.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Joanna Ciolek

Joanna Ciolek is a self-taught artist, recovering self-critic, and the author of mindfulness-based prompt journals, The Art of Homecoming and The Art of Untangling. To learn mindfulness, reconnect with yourself, and begin your healing journey, join her Free Course at The Mindfulness Journal. Follow Joanna on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How to Increase Your Sense of Control and Boost Your Resilience appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

How to Increase Your Sense of Control and Boost Your Resilience published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

Breaking the Toxic Cycle: My Family Dysfunction Stops with Me

TRIGGER WARNING: This post references physical abuse and may be triggering to some people.

“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.” ~Audrey Kitching 

I will never forget, when I was twelve years old, I went to sit on my father’s lap and he told me, “No! You’re too heavy to sit on my lap!” What does an adolescent girl do with a comment like that? She hides it away and adds it to the ammunition she has begun to store up in her arsenal of self-flagellation. Shame knows no boundaries.

My father was never intentionally cruel to me. He had demons of his own. I knew that he had been physically abused as a boy and he used to tell us, or rather proclaim, “I vow to NEVER hit any of my kids!” He neglected to realize that words can hurt even more than a physical slap. And even more hurtful was when nothing was said at all.

Silence is a killer that there are no words for.

His father used a leather razor sharpening strap to beat him, and my father hung it in the kitchen of our house. I would wonder if it was a reminder of what happened to him, or was it a warning of what could happen to us? I made sure I toed the line so I would never find out. The beginning of my perfectionism.

Growing up, the one message that was crystal clear to me was that my body was not acceptable. It was reinforced in so many ways. The times my father would suggest I attend Weight Watchers meetings with my mother. But the biggest reinforcement was once a month when the Playboy Magazine would arrive in the mail. That was what a real woman’s body was supposed to look like! And the only point of reference I had.

I dealt with this by going within. I hid food and binged in secret. I used running and sports to try to counter the caloric intake. I became the perfect daughter on the outside, knowing it didn’t matter because I would never be acceptable. I fought a battle that there was no way to win. I just didn’t know it at the time. I was a teenager trying to find love in all the wrong places, with all the wrong people. In all the wrong ways.

And I wasn’t the only one. I was the oldest of four children, and my siblings all had their own demons they were fighting as well. Some people would say that the family that plays together stays together. I would add that the dysfunction in a family can not only rip a family apart, but it can also pick them off one by one.

My father was the first to fall victim. He died when I was thirty-six from pancreatic cancer after suffering a massive stroke. I am convinced that his stroke was a direct cause of his drinking and lifestyle.

My youngest sister died when I was thirty-nine years old. She was in a physically abusive relationship for nine years. Her partner and the father to her two children beat her to death.

The hardest loss was my mother, who died when I was fifty-two. She had suffered from dementia for years. but ultimately it was lung cancer that caused her death.

At fifty-six, my second sister died of an accidental overdose of heroin. She was fifty-five.

And lastly, my only brother, who is still living, is recovering from laryngeal cancer and now uses an artificial voice box.

For the longest time, I would wonder when my time was coming. People would tell me that my family was cursed, and the temptation to fall into that camp was appealing. Just let the chips fall where they may! But the truth of the matter was that, like for us all, there are consequences for our choices. I know that sounds harsh considering that I have lost most of my family, but I cannot make it be anything it is not. And believe me, I’ve tried!

My codependency was strong, and I tried to save them all! And in the process, I was losing myself. I was tired. I was sad, I felt defeated. But enough was enough.

I had made the decision, when my husband and I adopted our only daughter, that the dysfunction was going to stop with me.

I had a lot of work to do on myself. I had to uncover all the lies I had believed about myself. About my life. And then I had to choose new things to believe. I had to unearth all the ammunition I had used to build the walls I had cemented around myself. The walls that would have strangled me if I had let them.

But that is my work to do now. And because I made the decision to do that work, my daughter is a healthy, well-adjusted young woman in her third year of college.

I don’t say that to pat myself on the shoulder necessarily, but why not? I chose to walk a different path then my biological family. And choosing that different path also offered me different choices. And it will also my daughter different choices.

I learned about the boundaries I needed to place around my own family unit, and I was not popular for that. Those boundaries were not popular, and I was ostracized and called out for them.

My work was to take the box down from the closet. You know the one, where the secrets hide. And if I just keep it up there, no one needs to know. But I knew I had to open that box and take them all out. Then I could decide which were real and which were imagined. Which ones had to go and which ones I could work with.

Life is a series of turning points. And we get to decide, at any time whether we keep moving forward or whether it’s time to turn around and begin again. We are never too old to keep moving forward. And we have never made a mistake that cannot be forgiven. A wrong that cannot be made right. I have forgiven myself for many mistakes. Many hurts I have caused. I have made amends. I keep taking the next right step.

I am fifty-eight. I have forgiven those who have needed to be forgiven. I have grieved the family I wished I had. And I continue to grieve the loss of those who have died far too young. And the relationships that will never be.

I no longer run from the loneliness that catches up to me from time to time. I just don’t stay wrapped in it for too long. I have shed the shawl of shame I have carried around me and work everyday to find the light and the beauty within.

And I continue to remind myself, every single day, that it is not too late to become who I was created to be. My work is to keep doing the work and find my way home. Home is a place within. A place of wholeness. A place where self-forgiveness and self-acceptance merge. And beauty abounds.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Kim Connelly

Kim is a writer, a coach, and a person who has a passion for helping women find their true self and their home within. A coach whose heart is to help women believe in themselves again and realize it isn’t too late to become who you were created to be. You can connect with her at Kimconnelly.com or on Facebook @ItsKimConnelly

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Breaking the Toxic Cycle: My Family Dysfunction Stops with Me appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Breaking the Toxic Cycle: My Family Dysfunction Stops with Me published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

3 Questions Every People-Pleaser Should Ask Before Making a Decision

“The one thing you learn is when you can step out of your comfort zone and be uncomfortable, you see what you’re made of and who you are.” ~Sue Bird

I am a recovering people-pleaser.

I grew up in a hardworking, blue-collar house, nestled in a humble, rural, blue-collar town. I was instructed, both consciously and unconsciously, on how to fit in and play my part.

My entire decision-making process revolved around what I was supposed to do, how my actions made others feel, and the impact I would have on the status-quo. I became a teacher because that is a wonderful profession for women. I underwent multiple fertility treatments because all women want to have a baby.

I never questioned anything. I just floated along on a raft, built generations before me, carrying me down a river of inevitability. Then, one day, my raft crashed.

I was sitting in a greasy diner, the vinyl booth sticking to my thighs. I had just endured another fertility treatment across the street. While listening to spoons tinkling against ceramic cups, I wondered why I was going through all this. Was it for me or because it’s what I thought I was supposed to do?

I suddenly realized I had to make a choice. I could lie back in the river and let the current take me, or I could climb onto the riverbank and begin walking on my own two legs.

I was disoriented. Training fought against instinct. Fear clashed with desire. What would people think? How would my friends and family feel? Would they be disappointed? Angry?

Like a newborn fawn on wobbly legs, I took my first step onto the riverbank. I was afraid, but I was determined to begin walking my own path. My steps were small in the beginning—little decisions that tested the ground beneath my feet.

With each new step, I gained more confidence. The fear, guilt, and self-doubt began to recede. I slowly reclaimed my autonomy and began to chart my own course with intention.

Looking back on my journey from people-pleaser to self-empowered, I identified three main questions I ask myself before making a decision.

1. Is this my priority?

As people-pleasers, we are quick to sacrifice our own wants and needs to make others happy. We’ve been trained to dismiss ourselves for the benefit of everyone else. We’ve been rewarded for being modest, simple, agreeable, and easy. We never learn to identify what is important to us.

Before answering yes, we must clarify our priorities. This is the foundation for healthier decision making.  Sitting in that diner booth I asked myself, “Is having a baby my priority?”

My answer was profound and disturbing. I was trying to get pregnant because that is what was expected of me—as a woman, as a wife, as a daughter. Having a baby and being a mother was not my priority.

I was at once relieved and frightened. That moment of clarity allowed me to decide what kind of future I would create. But that also meant that I would be going against the tide. My “training” kicked in immediately. How would my decision impact those around me? Who did I think I was to choose my own path?

Fear arises to shove us back into our comfort zone. It’s a deeply ingrained self-defense mechanism. Fear is designed to protect, and it has a role to play when the danger is high. The problem is that, often, our fear is an overinflated response to the psychological conditioning people-pleasers have learned

We fear the backlash that comes from expressing an independent opinion that differs from our what our family believes or what society defines as the norm. Our conditioning has us believing that being unique is less safe, and that belief holds us back from fulfilling our potential.

Realizing we are moving in the wrong direction is the foundation to becoming self-empowered.

2. What is important to me?

Putting ourselves first is not a fatal condition. It’s quite the opposite. Choosing autonomy and self-fulfillment is the healthiest thing we can do. Achieving our greatest potential, self-actualization, is at the top of Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Needs. After I realized having a baby was not my priority, I asked myself, “What is important to me?”

I had absolutely no clue. It took a long time to figure out. This was a new way of thinking. I wasn’t used to focusing on myself. I had a lot of self-doubt. I fluctuated between what I wanted and what was expected. I had to define, for the first time, who I was and what I wanted.

It was difficult to keep refocusing on myself. I went through a process of retraining my brain and creating new habits. Everything I had been taught needed to be reprogrammed to fit my new way of being in the world.

My transformation began with clarifying my values and priorities. I defined what was important to me. I realized that personal responsibility, continuous improvement, and positive energy were paramount to the person I wanted to be. I began to hold myself, and others, to a higher standard.

I began to recognize when someone was using me instead of doing their own work. I realized I allowed people to manipulate me for their own gain. Once I clarified my values, it was much easier to stand up for them.

Whenever I was faced with a decision, I asked myself, “Does this fit with what I value? Is this important to me? Is this a positive contribution?” This created a filter through which all my decisions were placed.  This filter allows me to make the decisions that are aligned with me.

Getting crystal clear on our priorities is the roadmap for achieving our dreams and desires.

3. How will I feel after I make my decision?

Again, our conditioning will have us people-pleasers worrying about everyone else. It’s crucial to stay focused on ourselves and our priorities. We are flexing a new muscle.

Putting ourselves first feels awkward and wrong because we have been taught that it is rude and unbecoming. It keeps us frozen in the ambiguity of imaginary worst-case scenarios. We need to play out the scenario and confront the questions:

How will I feel if I say yes?

How will I feel if I say no?

In my case the questions were, “How will I feel if I continue the fertility treatments? How will I feel if I stop?”

I realized that f I stopped the treatments, I would feel in control of my body and my life again. I would have more time to spend on my writing and enjoy living life with my husband again. If I continued the treatments, I would be making everyone happy except myself.

I realized that I didn’t need to have a baby to be fulfilled. The answer became crystal clear. It was time to stop. Identifying the right decision for me was a relief.

Would others be disappointed with my decision? For sure. Would others disagree? Absolutely. But my newly discovered self-awareness gave me a sense of peace. I replaced fear with freedom.

In place of people-pleasing, I have become thoughtfully selfish. Being selfish has its virtues—self-awareness, self-confidence, self-fulfillment, self-care. These are all healthy ways of being selfish.

Do more of what makes you happy.

Making thoughtfully selfish decisions gives you the freedom to be a more generous, loving, and positive human being. Instead of worrying so much about how you will be perceived, you will feel healthier, happier, and more confident.

Give yourself permission to focus on your needs and you will become the unique person you are meant to be. You don’t have the power to please everyone, but you do have the power to please yourself.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Naomi Yaw

Naomi Yaw is an empowerment coach helping stressed-out people pleasers create healthy boundaries and say no with confidence.  Her People Pleaser’s Toolkit has helped hundreds of people reclaim their time, money, and sanity.  Since she stopped people pleasing, Naomi has started a business, published a book, and traveled extensively with her husband of 22 years.  Learn more about becoming Thoughtfully Selfish at www.naomiyaw.com.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post 3 Questions Every People-Pleaser Should Ask Before Making a Decision appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

3 Questions Every People-Pleaser Should Ask Before Making a Decision published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

When Life Forces Your Hand, Embrace the New Chapter

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” ~Seneca

Like most people, I’ve tried to control many aspects of my life, and this hasn’t always worked in my favor. Just when I thought I had it all under control, life has inconveniently shown me many, many times that I was getting a little too cocky.

You name it, I’ve tried to control it—from my schedule and time (hello, Type A personality) to forgoing random opportunities because my mind was made up on going a certain direction. I even tried calorie counting at the height of my exercising routine because I wanted ultimate control of what I put in my body.

Now, none of these are necessarily bad. Planning your time leads to efficiency, forgoing things because you are on a mission means you might be on the path to your purpose, and calorie counting could help you get the body you’ve always dreamed of. But when you do these things day in and day out, all at the same time… well, let’s just say the process can be stressful.

But I tried anyway because I figured I might as well try to control what I could since life was going to be random no matter what. It also gave me satisfaction, almost a somewhat false sense of accomplishment, that I was shaping my own destiny.

I think most of us fall into this way of thinking, because we all want to foresee things before they can potentially happen in order to feel safe. But ironically, when try to control life, we end up missing out on possibilities that may have come our way if only we’d let go and allowed life to happen.

It’s hard to say what exactly I’ve missed out on because of my former desire to control most aspects of my life. I won’t worry myself too much about it, because it’s a pointless exercise. But I can think of a couple big areas, one of them being a complete career shift that could have happened much earlier on in my life had I not resisted so much.

Instead, I was rigid and decided that I wanted to stick to a career that I didn’t enjoy because it was my college degree and I was making great money. I did end up switching careers eventually, just not in the area I had a unique opportunity in at that time.

The Three Golden Rules

Try as we may, we can’t always control life, and sometimes painful things happen that we couldn’t possibly predict or prevent.

Recently I lost a job that I was excelling at and actually enjoyed. My performance was on fire, I got along great with all my coworkers, and then one day, out of the blue, I got called into the CEO’s office and told that, due to ongoing strategy changes at the company, my time was up.

Talk about knocking the wind out of my sails. I had just gotten back from a work conference and was slated to lead a new project before receiving the bad news.

Has this been easy since it happened? No way. I still struggle with it daily. But somewhere, deep down, I know that life happens for me, not to me. And that this has created an opportunity for something bigger and better.

What is that something? If I could predict the future, then I’d probably be playing the lottery knowing I’m picking the right numbers. But I can’t foresee what’s coming down the road. I can only choose my attitude when I hit roadblocks along the journey, which ultimately shapes my choices.

What helps me maintain an optimistic attitude and cope when thing go wrong? Three very important ideas:

1. Life happens for you, not to you.

2. This too shall pass.

3. Be with what is.

When life doesn’t go to plan, we must embrace the change and realize that our lives are composed of chapters; one has ended and another one is about to begin. But we can’t move on to the next chapter if we continually re-read old ones. We have to willingly accept that life goes on, and that we have a chance to create something bigger and better.

I lost my job, but I don’t want to play the victim card. Yes, life has forced my hand, but that doesn’t mean I need to feel sorry for myself. This just means I have a better opportunity coming my way, whatever that may be.

I also realize that time plays a crucial factor in our lives. Our time is limited, and it consistently passes at the same speed, with no bias. This means that, with time, the inner turmoil I am currently dealing with will, without a doubt, pass.

Last but not least, I know that I must be with what is. In other words, stop resisting. Fighting the fact I lost a job won’t suddenly bring it back. Fighting the fact your relationship ended won’t necessarily have them running back into your arms.

Before we can move on, we must accept what is happening in the present moment. Then and only then can we proceed forward with calmness and clarity.

But There Is No Golden Formula

I understand this may not be easy to digest when you’re hurting, especially in situations that involve a loved one. Grieving is a natural part of this process, and I am not discrediting it in the least. It’s part of the human experience, and it’s okay to take as long as you need as you internalize.

I lost my father over five years ago. The death of a loved one is probably the hardest loss to deal with. How are you supposed to see the space that has been created from such a tragic event? I understand if you don’t, because I fully admit it’s been hard, even five years later.

But at the same time, I trust that life is working for me somehow. I just have to stop resisting. I have to understand that the feelings of loneliness, desperation, fear, and loss will pass. I have to stay in the moment and fully accept all that is happening to me.

No, it will not be easy, and it isn’t meant to be.

Trust The Process

You’ve probably heard the proverb “If live gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

Our lives are a lot happier when we strive to make the most of what life gives us, but the step before it is equally important: trust the process and embrace the change, whatever it is. Only then, once you stop fighting it, can you go about making your lemonade.

We’ve all been faced with situations in our lives that force our hand. And we likely will be faced with these kinds of situations again in the future. In these moments, it’s important to hold onto the notion that life could be creating space for you to do something differently.

If you lost your job and didn’t enjoy the work, life is potentially giving you a hint to pursue something further aligned with your passions and purpose. If you went through a breakup, life is potentially giving you a hint that you deserve and can do better.

When I look back on my past, I realize that every loss has taught me beautiful, valuable lessons that now help me in the present. The same is likely true for you. In these moments of inner turmoil, or let’s just call it life turmoil, you are taking mental notes. Mental notes that will help you grow and help you in the future when dealing with whatever else life throws your way.

You’ve made it through loss and hardship before, what makes you think you can’t now? You can. You just need to remember three things: life happens for your benefit not against it, everything heals with enough time, and it’s pointless to keep resisting.

With these ideas in mind, it should be exciting to think about the potential you have in your life.

The next chapter could be even more amazing than the previous one. And you may even have chosen to start that chapter eventually. Your schedule just got moved up a bit.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Adam Bergen

Adam Bergen is the founder of Monday Views, a movement dedicated to showing that with focus and self-discipline, your potential is limitless in today's world of instant gratification and distractions. Give your focus (and mindset) a kick-start by improving your morning routines through this free detailed guide. You can find Adam at mondayviews.com, and on Medium, Instagram, and Quora.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post When Life Forces Your Hand, Embrace the New Chapter appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

When Life Forces Your Hand, Embrace the New Chapter published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

9 New Spirituality & Wellness Books You Won’t Want to Miss

Hi friends! I’m sure many of you are already familiar with Sounds True. They offer books and programs to help us all live more genuine, loving, meaningful lives.

Through the years I’ve found some fantastic resources for personal growth and healing through their site, so I was happy to oblige when they asked me to introduce you all to nine new Sounds True authors in the spirituality and wellness space.

Justin Michael Williams, Sah D’Simone, Faith Hunter, and LaRayia Gaston bring meditation, music, dancing, and yoga to a broad audience, with a shared mission to reach underserved BIPOC and LGBTIQIA+ communities.

Ashley River Brant, Briana Saussy, and Becca Piastrelli invite us to integrate the sacred arts, earth wisdom, and ancestral medicine into everyday life.

Light Watkins and Sarah Blondin offer unique and engaging ways to integrate mindfulness into our spiritual practice.

Enjoy these short excerpts from nine books that will uplift and inspire!

—

Always remember: even small gestures can have big impacts.

When you see someone who looks like she’s having a bad day, you can give her a smile or a kind word. When you see someone being mistreated or bullied, you can step in and redirect the conversation. When you see someone being ignored, you can acknowledge him and help him feel seen. When you see someone who could use a little help, you can offer your hand.

These are micro-gestures: simple, easy things that anyone can do. All you need is to be mindful of the people around you and set an intention to make a positive impact when and where you can. In many cases, you’ll see the difference you’ve made immediately. You’ll be able to tell by the look on someone’s face or the words of thanks they offer in return.

But even when that doesn’t happen, it’s important to keep in mind that the effort is worth it. It’s worth it for other people’s sake and it’s worth it for your own. You will always be able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “At least I tried.” Besides, we don’t always know in the moment the impact we’re having on people when we choose to give a fck about them.

Excerpted from LOVE WITHOUT REASON: The Lost Art of Giving a F*ck, by LaRayia Gaston. Sounds True, March 2021. Reprinted with permission.

—

We practice rituals in our everyday life without even knowing that we’re doing so. Shaking a hand or hugging in greeting, sitting down for dinner with loved ones, washing our hands, taking our dogs for walks, making coffee in the morning, and even saying good night to a family member each night. But the loss of the Sacred and disconnect from our hearts has turned ritual into a mindless routine.

Making our coffee in the morning turns into a moment to worry about all our daily to dos. Weddings—a sacred rite and celebration of loving union between two beings—become stressful events. Meals become grab-and-gos from one place to the next, or are eaten while multitasking or on our phones.

In contrast, mindful ritual offers the structure we crave in a sacred and healing way that allows inner security, stability, and peace to flow effortlessly in grace as the world turns and life changes before our eyes with each passing season.

It’s important to remember that our bodies are not machines designed to move throughout our lives in a linear way. We are multidimensional, organic energy here to empower ourselves to cocreate with the Universe and embody the love that we all are.

With noisy and often chaotic modern lives filled with stressors that take us away from this essence of truth, rituals can remind us of the trust and sacred agreement between ourselves, the Earth, and Spirit.

You can think of ritual as spiritual nourishment for the soul. Ritual helps us find inner harmony and perspective, it connects us back to what is true, and it brings us to a sacred space of peace within, beyond the stresses and worries of everyday reality. It enriches our lives, fosters our own inner healer and authority, and ignites an ancient fire within: a spiritual fire that has always been there, carried forward generation after generation and lifetime after lifetime as a desire to connect to something greater—something sacred.

Excerpted from TENDING TO THE SACRED: Rituals to Connect with Earth, Spirit, and Self, by Ashley River Brant. Sounds True, June 2021. Reprinted with permission.

—

Children raised in recognition of their goodness grow into good adults. I have been blessed to meet them from every conceivable walk of life, of every skin color and culture. I stand strong in the knowledge that we who recognize and foster the good in ourselves and others far outnumber the unkind, the cruel, and the heartless.

What can we do to nurture and call out that goodness in our children? There are so many ways, but among them I see a theme, a red lifeline leading out of the labyrinth: to see our children, to really see them, not as we would have them be nor expect nor desire them to be, but as they, in and of themselves, are. To see their natures, likes, dislikes, passions, and preferences and to know that between the hair-pulling and tattle-telling and driving us to drop into bed dead with exhaustion at the end of the day, they will grow and change and reveal marvel after marvel.

This is why I love looking to the birth chart, that one-of-a-kind heavenly star map, when I seek to understand and better relate to a child. The stars and Planets and the stories they tell are each unique. They are decidedly not my story, but the story line of the child, their path, a celebration of their particular gifts and knowings.

Stars, Moon, Sun, Planets: they are all luminous bodies, all shining light that reveals what needs to be seen, revealing a whole child with many stories and many adventures awaiting. When we see that child clearly, then possibility opens and we have done something truly good.

Excerpted from STAR CHILD: Joyful Parenting Through Astrology, by Briana Saussy. Sounds True, July 2021. Reprinted with permission.

—

In order to be heart minded, we need to bring the heart and mind into harmony and partnership with one another. For this to happen, we have to train the mind not to fear and close off from the heart, and instead, serve our heart and implement its wishes.

In order to do this, we have to undo our mind’s association of feelings of the heart with hurt and harm. In situations that would ordinarily have us retreat or retaliate, we need to remain conscious of what’s happening and choose to soften and lean into our heart’s center.

Each time we practice this softening, we send a new message to the mind that signals that we are safe, willing, and wanting to live in this more open, more sensitive way.

Over time, if we are resolute in our intention to step into our heart, our mind will become less rigid in its defenses against feelings and tenderness, and gradually we will become more heart centered.

Remember, we are not trying to pit the heart and mind against one another; we are trying to marry their aptitudes.

Perhaps it would help to spell out how I see their differences:

The mind attaches; the heart lets go.

The mind operates out of fear and distrust; the heart operates on faith and ease.

The mind is frantic in its functioning; the heart is slow, deliberate, and peaceful.

The mind thrives on and enjoys problem seeking and solving; the heart thrives on acceptance of all things and labels nothing as “wrong” or “right.”

Excerpted from HEART MINDED: How to Hold Yourself and Others in Love, by Sarah Blondin. Sounds True, June 2020. Reprinted with permission.

—

We’re not built for the way things are today. While technology and modern life have evolved at a breakneck pace, from a genetic perspective, humans are largely the same creatures we were thousands of years ago.

Our bodies are still seduced by the rhythms of the land. Our hearts quietly plea for the village to support us through life’s rites of passage. Our spirits dance at the thought of circling around the hearth fires and telling our stories. Everything within us longs to know our place in the world. And yet, most of us are getting none of that. We are deprived.

Like our ancestors, we wither without a tangible sense of intimate connection. In this time, where we supposedly have every option for connection and growth at our fingertips, we are still seeking that intangible something that is clearly missing in our lives.

Like our ancestors, we wither without a tangible sense of intimate connection.

We feel unrooted and disconnected from the land that is our home.

We feel untethered from our long line of ancestors and our deep human history.

We lack strong, healthy communities that support us and hold us accountable. And we find ourselves grasping and searching for our deepest sense of ourselves.

When we unsubscribe from this restless and individualist approach to life that we’ve been steeped in and instead learn to infuse our days with ancestral wisdom, we gain a truer sense of who we are and, more important, a powerful sense of belonging.

Excerpted from ROOT AND RITUAL: Timeless Ways to Connect to Land, Lineage, Community, and the Self, by Becca Piastrelli. Sounds True, November 2021. Reprinted with permission.

—

Before You Feel Ready

I can’t remember doing anything in life that I’ve felt fully prepared to do before I attempted it— not writing books, not teaching meditation classes, not running retreats, not asking someone out on a date, nothing.

The confidence doesn’t usually come until much later—after trying the thing a few times, and maybe falling down once or twice. Then you get some experience under your belt, learn from your mistakes, and eventually start to feel more prepared.

I know I’m not the only one who’s been afraid to start. And in case you’re feeling that way now, I’ll share my little “secret” with you: the final step for getting ready is to leap into action before you feel 100 percent ready. In other words, stop thinking about it and just go for it.

The most useful lessons won’t happen until after you leap and begin fumbling your way through the initial stages. And since you have no idea which mistakes you’ll make, you may as well get on with it so you can start learning from them and building your confidence in the process . . . BEFORE YOU FEEL READY

Excerpted from KNOWING WHERE TO LOOK: 108 Daily Doses of Inspiration, by Light Watkins. Sounds True, May 2021. Reprinted with permission.

—

FORGIVENESS IS MY TEACHER, LOVE IS MY GURU

After trauma, we naturally shield ourselves from future harm, and our fight-or-flight response kicks in when we’re triggered. When the wall goes up, the emotional poison seeps deep into the subconscious, and this makes it challenging to fully love yourself.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you will forget. It only means you have the power to release the anger, resentment, and frustration associated with a traumatic situation.

There’s an interesting intersection between stress, psychological health, and forgiveness. When you forgive, you naturally feel less stress when you recall a difficult situation, and overall your symptoms of depression and anxiety are greatly reduced. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. By acknowledging what happened and letting go of shame, you open a doorway to self-compassion and kindness.

The struggle we have with forgiveness is heavily saturated with the push-and-pull dynamics of disappointment. We hate ourselves for missteps and beat ourselves up even in moments of innocence. We are also plagued with the artificial safety of playing the victim or viewing ourselves as weak.

Real talk: it’s extremely challenging to forgive in the middle of pain, but when you’ve transitioned past the situation, free yourself and extend the hand of empathy. To shift, we have to fully commit to forgiving the person who caused harm and forgive ourselves. Once committed to the process, you can direct your focus on cleansing the energy surrounding the trauma, take responsibility for your part in the mess, and speak honestly to your spirit.

Excerpted from SPIRITUALLY FLY: Wisdom, Meditations, and Yoga to Elevate Your Soul, by Faith Hunter. Sounds True, August 2021. Reprinted with permission. 

— 

As you start to make progress and recognize your innate amazingness, the next step to uncovering more of your true essence is to let go of unintentionally running around like a thirsty animal that is never satisfied.

Catch yourself when you start to believe your happiness is dependent on your senses constantly being fed with only pleasant experiences. “I need to hear nice things!” “I need to taste nice things!” “I need to touch nice things!” “I need to smell nice things!” “I need to see nice things!” “I need to feel nice!”

If you are constantly craving and chasing the quick pleasure that comes from the senses you will never be satisfied. This is a classic form of suffering. When we constantly chase good feeling after good feeling, we never build a muscle for coping with the unpleasantness of life. But unpleasantness is a natural part of life—grief, pain, despair, sadness—that requires us to meet it with awareness, not by running away.

You will experience unpleasant sensations, and that is OK, in fact it is necessary. As a spiritually sassy warrior, you become empowered by your hardships. Your genuine happiness and your amazingness shines from your awakened heart and is not dependent on external factors.

When you catch yourself chasing sense gratification, remind yourself that genuine happiness does not come from the outside, a quick way to exercise your amazingness is by wishing that all people be free of insatiable cravings.

Excerpted from SPIRITUALLY SASSY: 8 Radical Steps to Activate Your Innate Superpowers, by Sah D’Simone. Sounds True, September 2020. Reprinted with permission.

—

Many self-help gurus will tell you to get rid of your toxic thoughts by drowning them out with positive affirmations. I don’t know about you, but that sh*t never works for me. I can only repeat “I am beautiful” so many times in the mirror before I get bored.

I believe we must turn toward our toxic thoughts instead of trying to drown them out. I know that might sound crazy, but follow me on this one. When a toxic voice comes up, you have a choice. You can let it berate you and become paralyzed in fear, or you can learn why you’ve held on to this voice in the first place. You don’t get rid of your toxic thoughts by sweeping them under the rug.

You get rid of them by healing them at the root and then taking brave action to prove them wrong. This gives us a chance to take responsibility instead of being defined by the story our minds have invented. Your toxic thoughts are here to teach you something. They are a marker. An indicator. A flag in the ground pointing toward your growth and healing. I know it’s not easy, but you must turn toward your toxic thoughts and listen to them with fierce self-compassion. That’s the only way they will ever stop running your life from the background.

Whenever you catch a toxic thought running wild in your mind, pause and ask this question: In what area of my life do I need additional healing, support, or growth? The answer to that question will give you a clue about where you need to invest additional time and energy to evolve beyond this toxic thought.

Excerpted from STAY WOKE: A Meditation Guide for the Rest of Us, by Justin Michael Williams. Sounds True, February 2020. Reprinted with permission.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post 9 New Spirituality & Wellness Books You Won’t Want to Miss appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

9 New Spirituality & Wellness Books You Won’t Want to Miss published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

The Paradox of Less is More (And How It Will Improve Your Life)

“Don’t use a lot where a little will do.” ~Proverb

One of the most common paradoxical statements we hear is “less is more.”

I, like many others, understand what that means in the context of personal style, where it is commonly used.

I can appreciate, for example, that when we overdress, we are often taking away from the beauty of the outfit or the look and detracting attention from each valuable detail or accessory.

But recently I discovered that the paradox of “less is more” has many other applications.

When I started questioning whether I could apply this simple philosophy to my life, more generally—to be more effective, to be more at peace, to have higher levels of self-esteem—I found that it became the single most effective guiding principle of my life.

The first time I noticed the amazing power of “less is more” was when I accepted that I could not physically do the brutal corporate hours that I used to work, and neither could I compete with the hyper-alpha entrepreneurs and business owners that worked fourteen hours a day.

I tried to do the 5am starts that seem to be the trend in the world of business but found that is not how my body works. Every time I tried to push myself beyond my natural rhythm, I was so tired during the day, I could achieve nothing of value.

That is when I made a new rule, that I would do just one thing every day, and as long as I achieved that one thing, my most important, value-added thing, I would appreciate myself as having achieved something significant.

I appreciate that this is not always possible when you are not in charge of your own workload, but the essence of this lesson is to concentrate your focus on what is essential and of highest priority and value, rather than becoming overwhelmed with trying to do every task.

I found that when you apply “less is more” to your work and daily to-do list, you become the epitome of productivity and focus. And although there is a certain tribe of people that glamorize the hustle culture and the grind ethic, we also now acknowledge that our mental health and self-care are just as important. Thankfully, we have started to realize that burn-out is counterproductive to success in the long term.

I found that by trying to do less, I actually achieved more in all the important ways. I was more creative, I was more productive, and I was able to sustain my energy throughout the week instead of constantly going through peaks and crashes.

I have now made this my routine and my ultimate measure of productivity. By focusing on the most important task, instead of aiming to complete every task, we can all achieve more by seemingly doing less. This is one way powerful we can utilize this paradox to streamline our everyday life.

After my success with applying this approach to my working life, I then started to consider whether “less is more” might help me in other parts of my life.

One arena in which I have reflected on “less is more” is when I have found myself critiquing my natural tendency to not want to speak about my accomplishments in a boastful way or try to push myself to the front to be ‘seen.’

Often, I have wondered whether my natural modesty was holding me back. Should I be pushier? Is it a failing within myself to not be more self-promoting? But then I reflected on “less is more” and realized that one of the ways we can be guided by this philosophy is in how we present ourselves to the world.

We do not need to necessarily boast about our accomplishments or clamor desperately for attention.

Sometimes we get greater appreciation and respect by allowing people to learn for themselves our true value. In allowing people to discover us, we are attracting only those who appreciate us without having to work so hard at being liked or selling to them in the manner of a pushy salesperson. And there is so much flow and peace in approaching life like this.

Think of the greats in history who changed the world and never talked about themselves, instead choosing to keep the focus on their mission and the people they served. Therein lay their greatness.

The concept of servant leadership (another seeming paradox!) speaks to the way great leaders are ones that serve, and this necessitates keeping your ego aside. This is my go-to now when I feel I should be more of a pushy salesperson or chase after people that have no interest in reciprocating my efforts. Less is more!

“Less is more” has also changed the way I communicate. I, like many other people in our modern society, have been conditioned that we should communicate, communicate, communicate! That we should talk about everything all the time and express everything we feel and think.

But I found, when reflecting on “less is more,” that in relationships, we sometimes over-communicate.

We can all do with holding our tongue and learning when not to speak, what not to say, and when to listen.

This self-control and self-restraint can often pave the way for a better quality of communication and more peace and harmony in a culture where we overemphasize the power of words spoken—words that are often unnecessary and destructive, words that cannot be taken back.

By saying less, these days I find that my relationships are more harmonious, and greater peace and ease have found their way into my interactions. It also reminded me that there are many ways we say so much when we say nothing. When we let ourselves just hold space, just be, or spend time listening, we are communicating in powerful ways.

In my family and the way I love and care for them, “less is more” has helped me realize that sometimes the best way to love and care is by taking a step back and doing nothing rather than helping out every time.

It allowed me to recognize where I was not being caring but, in fact, was being overbearing and enabling. And as many of us have discovered, the tendency to overextend yourself does no one any good; not the person you are trying to help, nor yourself.

One of the ways I used to step from caring into being overbearing was by offering ‘helpful’ but unsolicited advice to my loved ones. Now I have realized that, when it comes to offering advice, less is definitely more!

I discovered that “less is more” is about creating space. In your relationships, this is where you are not always reaching out to connect and create intimacy and you are allowing air to circulate and bring new life and perspectives to your interactions.

And this also applies to physical space. By decluttering and letting go of things I no longer use or need, I now have less but better quality items, which I really treasure. I am able to value them, (because I can actually see them!), and this results in a feeling of luxury and abundance from the sensual act of taking time to fully enjoy them, rather than being on to the next purchase after the initial thrill wears off.

And when we apply this philosophy to our schedule, by creating fewer obligations that drain us, we allow space and time to spend on what is truly important, while also creating space for new activities, that are more aligned to us, to come into our lives and take their place.

“Less is more” seems contradictory and confusing.

But the reality is, beauty lies in simplicity, truth lives in simplicity, and greatness lies in stripping yourself and your life down to what is truly important.

Here are a few questions you might ask yourself to start the process of applying this motto to your life.

In what ways can you do, be, and have less and magnify your overall happiness, peace, and success?

Can you find ways to reprioritize and focus on what is truly important?

What do you do, with relative ease and effortlessness, that is adding value to your life?

In what ways, and in which areas, are you trying too hard?

We can all reflect and apply the teachings of this paradox in any and every part of our life to live a life of greater meaning, focus, simplicity, and peace.

I encourage you to deeply reflect on how less might actually be more in your life and then take small daily actions to align to that reality. Take small daily actions to remove things, to do less, to be less, to try less, and thereby create more flow and ease and less stress.

Take small steps to create pockets of nothingness and space in order to expand into more of what is truly important and, most importantly, to expand into a greater version of yourself.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Rita Sheth

Rita is a writer, speaker and entrepreneur. She writes and teaches on personal power, spirituality, self-esteem and self-care for women through her platform, The Many Sides, in which she also hosts a blog. She has also recently started a podcast, Straight To The Heart, a series of short listens on YouTube. Rita also runs a fashion brand, Mercury Dasha, and is a lawyer by profession.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post The Paradox of Less is More (And How It Will Improve Your Life) appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

The Paradox of Less is More (And How It Will Improve Your Life) published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

It’s Okay to Feel Scared: How to Stand Up to Fear by Standing Down

“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” ~Mandy Hale

When it comes to plane travel, I frequently quip: “I’m not a nervous flier, but my bladder is.”

In a way, this is true. Aside from brief freak-out moments when there’s a patch of turbulence or when a flash from my catalog of gruesome “what-if” scenarios forces its way into my mind’s eye, I remain blissfully disconnected from my fear. Meanwhile, my bladder takes the brunt of it, with hourly pit-stops to the lavatory alongside a persistent, dull ache.

While this is physically annoying, my strategy has its utility: it conveniently shifts the blame and shame for my irrational fear onto my bladder so that I don’t have to face up to it. (Otherwise known as somatizing my emotions, if you or my therapist want to get technical.)

So, as you might imagine, when I recently boarded my first plane flight in two years amidst a still-very-present Covid pandemic, my bladder felt even twitchier than usual. Especially at the abrupt jolt of going from socializing at a distance to being packed like sardines into a confined space with a bunch of breathing, coughing, possibly infectious humans.

At least, that is, until a little boy said something heart-stopping.

A Cry for Help

No more than six years old, the slender boy with a mop of golden-blonde hair had just clambered into the window seat of the empty row in front of me, trailing his white satin-trimmed fleece pillow and blanket.

While the boy fiddled with his seat belt, I noticed that his mother and grandmother—each equally youngish-looking with lemony hair and tanned skin—were still lingering in the aisle, conversing in hushed tones. As I casually eavesdropped, I learned that they were debating which of them would sit with the boy versus with the rest of the family located several rows up.

At first, I cursed my luck to be seated right behind a kid too young to be vaccinated or keep his mask up. Thanks a lot, Universe, I grumbled internally.

But as his mother began walking away to sit with her younger child (presumably expecting that her older son was in good hands with his grandmother), the boy wriggled upward in his seat, shoulders tensed, assessing the situation. Then, he called out quite loudly, without a hint of self-consciousness or shame: “Mom, I want you to sit here with me, because I’m scared and I need you.”

Instantly, the radius of chatter around Row ten fell mute.

Like a silent lightening strike, the boy’s words charged the atmosphere with an almost electric energy. For two long seconds, they hung there in the air above us, almost too sacred to desecrate with sound. During that time, I swear, you could practically feel our collective hearts opening. Then, a sincere chorus of “Awww”s and “Bless his heart”s rang out, cushioning the silence.

A Permission Slip

As I marveled at what had just transpired, I realized that, in one simple sentence, this young boy had done something remarkable: he’d given us permission to be human.

After all, how many times had many of us felt just as fearful in life yet pretended we didn’t? How many times had we wanted to cry in the midst of overwhelm (if not wail like hell for our mommies), yet told ourselves to “buck up” or “be an adult”? And how many times had we rushed to the side of a friend in need yet readily denied ourselves this small grace?

Perhaps the reason the little boy’s words stirred us so deeply, it struck me, was that he reminded us of what we already knew yet stubbornly denied: Of the power in vulnerability. Of the courage in asking for support. Of the importance of honoring our feelings, especially our fear—meeting it with acceptance, rather than my preferred method of hastily swatting it away like a poisonous wasp.

Meeting Fear with Acceptance

Fortunately, the boy’s mother was much more adept at dealing with fear than me.

Making a beeline back to her son’s side, she enveloped him in a warm embrace, murmuring, “I’m so sorry, honey. It’s okay, I’m here for you,” (a relational repair that was powerful in itself).

Spying through the narrow slat between our seats, I watched as the boy’s shoulders immediately unknotted. Seconds later, he began chattering to his mother about the character on his video game player—his fear a seemingly distant memory.

It was then that I realized something even more remarkable: to the boy, the preceding moment was likely just an ordinary moment.

Too young to be fully conditioned by our cultural garbage around fear or gender “norms,” he had no idea that he’d done anything profound, much less impacted a plane full of people much older and “wiser” than him. He was simply acknowledging his fear and taking care of himself.

Okay, Lisa, I told myself. If that little boy can unabashedly proclaim for all to hear that he’s scared, then the least I can do is acknowledge my own fear to myself.

Especially considering that, the very day before, a beloved teacher of mine had providentially reminded me about the power of acknowledgement. How, oftentimes, just acknowledging our feelings can considerably ease our unease. And sometimes, she claimed, it’s the only thing we need to do.

Huh, I realized with a wink to the Universe. You’re giving me an opportunity to practice this right now, aren’t you?

And so, I did. Closing my eyes as the plane taxied down the runway, I felt into my fear and whispered: Okay, fear. I see you. I hear you. And it’s okay that you’re here. In fact, it would probably be abnormal not to feel you on my first post-pandemic plane ride after two years of semi-hermitude.

From there, I stayed quiet and present in my body. I didn’t try to do anything with the fear, other than “stand down” so that its stifled energy could move through me.

A minute or so later, wouldn’t you know it, the tight ball of yarn that was my bladder muscle magically slackened. Even my abdomen, I noted, no longer bloated out like I was carrying a small fetus. My entire body felt lighter too, as if I’d released a leaden weight I didn’t know I was carrying. Holy moly! I boggled, gazing down at my body in both awe and glee.

“Alrighty, folks,” the captain’s disembodied voice announced over the PA system just then. “We’re about to head out, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.”

Grinning to myself, I silently replied in my head: You know what? I think I will.

*A Magical Postscript*

Incredibly, the story doesn’t end there.

Toward the end of the flight, I tentatively caught the attention of the boy’s grandmother, whose name I’d soon learn was Beverly.

“Um, pardon me,” I started, “but I’m a writer, and I was so inspired by what your grandson said before the flight that I actually just wrote an article about it!”

“Oh, really?” Beverly replied in surprise, my unanticipated admission taking a few seconds to sink in. Then, her surprise gave way to delight, as her eyes crinkled into a smile above her mask and she added, “Wow, that’s so wonderful!”

“I’m happy to email it to you if you like,” I continued, “but I really just wanted to thank your family. For providing such a powerful moment for me—as I’m sure it was for many others.”

“Well, let me tell you something,” Beverly responded, leaning toward me with an unanticipated admission of her own. “That moment was a bigger deal than you know. You see, my grandson has autism, and for him it was a very big deal to express his feelings like that.”

Straightaway, goosebumps traveled up and down my arms. Of course, the writer in me couldn’t help but be tickled by the added significance to the story. But the real eye-opener for me was the extent of my own ignorance. That I assumed the moment was important to everyone but the boy. That I assumed there was only one “giver” and one “receiver” in the equation. As if the Universe ever worked that way.

When the plane touched down soon after, tears sprang to my eyes as the full-circle nature of the experience hit me.

Thank you, Universe, I humbly mouthed—this time meaning it.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Lisa Berzack

Lisa Berzack is an intuitive soul-centered coach, speaker and writer devoted to helping people find inner healing and live a more empowered, awakened life. She is also the author of a forthcoming self-help memoir. To work with Lisa privately and turn your pain into power, visit www.PainIntoPower.com to book a free discovery call.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post It’s Okay to Feel Scared: How to Stand Up to Fear by Standing Down appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

It’s Okay to Feel Scared: How to Stand Up to Fear by Standing Down published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

Why I Gave Myself Permission to Suck at New Things

“Never be afraid to try new things and make some mistakes. It’s all part of life and learning.” ~Unknown

A few months ago, I was warming up for a dance class. It was a beginners’ class, but the instructor was one of those people who have been dancing all their life, so movement came easy to her. This was the ninth week of a ten-week term, and we’d been working on a choreography for a while now.

Then, the reception girl came in with a new student. She introduced the new girl to the instructor. “Hey B. This is Nat. She is new to the studio, and I offered her a trial class. Do you think you can take care of her?”

“Of course. Hi Nat. We have been working on this “coreo” for a while, but I’ll explain each move as we go. I promise I’ll go really slow. Besides, everyone here is a beginner.”

A little uncertain, Nat came in and took a spot at the back of the class. You could see she wasn’t very comfortable. But everyone encouraged her to stay, so she did.

The truth is that the cues were confusing and the moves were hard to perform. Even though we were all beginners at that particular class, many of us had taken other classes before. Besides, we have been working on this choreography for eight weeks.

Unable to follow the class, Nat burst out of the room in tears after only ten minutes. And on her way out, she said, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’m clearly not good enough.”

Have you ever been through anything like that? Feeling out of place and inadequate?

I know I have. You see, I’ve never been what you call an athletic kid. Mostly because I never had the opportunity to become one.

In my school, during PE classes, only the talented kids were chosen to play. Everyone else stayed in the sidelines. Watching.

Also, I never participated in extra-curricular sports activities because my parents couldn’t afford it. So I grew up believing that I was not good with sports. Just a scrawny girl, uncoordinated and awkward.

And that was my belief until my late twenties. But then, something happened.

When I was twenty-eight, I decided to give the gym another try. Because I had no previous experience, I carefully chose classes that I believed I could follow. But apparently, the universe has a sense of humor.

Through a mistake on the timetable printout, I ended up on an Advanced Step class.  Oh my. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my whole life. I was so bad at it that one of the ladies stopped following the class to try teaching me how to do the basic moves. I was mortified, but… I stayed until the end.

At the end of the class, many of the ladies came to talk to me. I explained how I ended up in that class and was repeatedly apologizing for my lack of coordination. But the truth was that no one cared about my inability to perform the moves.

I was welcomed into their group and encouraged to come again. They assured me that it would become easier with practice.

Long story short, I was the one doing all the judging and criticizing. Nobody else. I was feeling inadequate because I believed that making mistakes would make me look bad in front of people. As if I was only allowed to do things that I could do well.

But hey! You only learn through practice, right? And before you become good at something, chances are that you will suck at first. Or were you born knowing how to ride a bicycle?

Anyway, that experience changed my life. Even though, it was “traumatic” in some ways (I still blush when I think of it), I learned so much from it.

Before, I thought that I needed to be perfect at everything that I did. I had this belief that making mistakes was shameful and that people would think that I wasn’t good enough. Consequently, I shied away from trying new things, just in case I, well, “sucked.”

The truth was that this misbelief was holding me back big time. If I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes, that meant that I was stuck with whatever I’d learned when I was a child. But I haven’t learned everything I wanted just yet, have I?

No. I wanted to learn more, to become better, to grow. I was curious about lots of things but at the same time afraid to fail. Can you relate?

I was at a crossroad. Be perfect but still, or imperfect but moving. So I chose growth. I chose to see mistakes as part of the process of learning. I chose to live a life of discovery and excitement rather than perfection and dullness. 

The experience at the group class showed me that I was my worst critic, not others. And if I could be kinder to myself, I would find much easier to navigate the world.

When I stopped taking myself too seriously, I started enjoying life more. Taking more risks and getting bigger rewards.

Because of these learnings, I had the courage to continue my fitness path and become a personal trainer. Even though I was never an athletic kid. And despite my lack of coordination. (Which got better, by the way. With practice.)

To remind myself what is to be a beginner, I often take classes that push me way out of my comfort zone. I call them my “vulnerability” classes. I step into these classes with no expectations to perform. In fact, I give myself full permission to “suck.” To look lost, to feel goofy, to not understand the instructor’s cues.

It’s my way of being comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. The more I challenge myself, the stronger I get. This works not only for the body but also for the mind.

So go ahead. Give yourself permission to “suck” and jump into that Zumba class you’ve always wanted to try. There is nothing shameful in being a beginner. No matter how old you are.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Carla Torres

Carla Torres is a personal trainer and mind-body coach with over ten years of experience in the health and fitness industry. She is the founder of Bodypeptalk and has developed a unique systematic approach to help people make sustainable lifestyle changes so they can become healthier, happier and more confident in their own skin.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Why I Gave Myself Permission to Suck at New Things appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Why I Gave Myself Permission to Suck at New Things published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~Maya Angelou

Throughout my childhood experiences I did what every child does and rejected parts of myself. It makes sense because kids depend on adults for survival, so I was in no position to reject my parents. But as an adult I feel it is now my job to reclaim those parts of myself.

While I had two parents that loved me and what I’d describe as a normal childhood, nonetheless I became hyper-attuned to others, over-sensitive to criticism, and a perfectionist, particularly under stress. It led to all sorts of pain within relationships and, upon becoming parent, I could see I needed to address some things. I had little sense of self and had to learn about having and holding healthy boundaries.

I have been fortunate not to have been directly subjected to any of the more readily recognized big-T trauma, like addiction, violence, or sexual abuse. But my childhood was dominated by the kind of small-t trauma that descends from the big stuff.

The aspects of my dysfunctional persona I mention above come under the heading of developmental trauma. I think it’s important to expose these aspects of who we become in the world as they have been getting perpetuated subtly throughout families all over the world for generations and they prohibit our collective growth.

Yet, for all the personal experiences I have shared, one I have never spoken of until recently is probably the one that shaped me more than anything else. Simply put, I had a mother who did not cope well when looking after us kids on her own. I learned to think ten steps ahead and project into the future in order to avoid any major meltdown. It drove perfectionist behavior in me, and I learned to choose my words carefully.

Why have I never spoken about it? I suspect this is multifaceted and ranges from things like not wanting to air dirty laundry, so to speak, to knowing that both my parents (like most parents) did the best they could with what they knew and the resources they had available to them at the time. Yet these were my experiences, for better or worse they shaped me, and if I tell my story it might help someone else.

To be more specific, mum used to often drop into this hyper tense state when she was alone with my brother and me; something I now readily recognize as a trauma state. She would say she was “up to high doh” (an old Scots expression) with our behavior, then snap at us, scream and yell, and chunter on afterward for a period of time somewhere else in the house.

When she would yell at me or chunter afterward, I now know it was most likely a deflection of her own pain. As my bedroom was above the kitchen I could hear the aggressive slights about me “being a bitch” or a “slut” or “a selfish cow” even though I was only a child.

When my father got home she would immediately approach him using a baby voice, another thing I could hear from my bedroom, conveying just how stressed she was (we kids usually being at fault). In the evenings Mum would then sit in front of the TV sucking her thumb, which I suspect were signs that she was likely regressing into her child self.

Watching this cycle, at the time, made me feel disgust and anger on top of the fear I already felt in being under her watch each day. My nervous system was under constant alert not knowing what aspect of her would show up.

Everything was our fault because we had broken the rules. With hindsight, and far more knowledge of children’s development, I now know we were just going through the normal growth and development cycles that kids go through rather than being bad kids.

Because it was probably a dissociative state that emerged when my mother was in flight-or-fight mode, it is possible (especially since Mum never did any meditation or therapy around this) that she had no clear memory of acting like that, or the frequency with which it occurred. I expect she was too identified with the thoughts of how bad we were and how bad it made her feel.

Dr. Gabor Maté’s words ring true: “It is often not our children’s behavior, but our inability to tolerate their negative responses that creates difficulties. The only thing the parent needs to gain control over is our own anxiety and lack of self-control.”

My mother was not able to do that, and nor are most people to be fair. It is far easier to blame people or circumstances than take a good hard look at ourselves and have a willingness to explore the hidden depths that we are held hostage to.

All this was unspoken with my mum. It is like it never happened, as if my brother and I somehow lived in a parallel universe.

Likely looking after young kids on her own was overwhelming and activated the trauma stored within her, perhaps in response to her own father’s violence and/or possibly the disgust at my grandmother’s passivity about it, or her own guilt in not doing something more (even although she was incredibly young at the time and couldn’t possibly have intervened).

However, when she was diagnosed with cancer my mum did say, “You know how I like to stick my head in the ground” when I tried to share with her the metaphysical possibilities related to the disease. Since my mother was most often too open with her opinions and usually gave us direct answers to questions we asked, sticking her head in the proverbial sand wasn’t something I immediately associated with her.

But now in retrospect I wonder whether, on some level, she may have been acknowledging her dissociative behavior when bringing us up, and the effects it may have had on us kids. Certainly it wasn’t something she ever directly acknowledged.

Though she did not readily share details during her life, she was simply what I would have called very dark on her father and her eldest brother. Just before she died I discovered her father was an abusive alcoholic. I also knew her eldest brother, a half sibling, abandoned the family as his father before him had abandoned him.

My mum, like a lot of people, never saw any value in revisiting those childhood experiences; she couldn’t fathom why anyone would partake in coaching never mind counseling, perhaps because she felt herself adequate enough and externalized her feelings. She certainly did not believe she was in any way held hostage to her experiences, which is what most of us would like to believe I expect.

As a result, I felt very alone and invalidated. My parents had each other, whereas my brother and I were left to deal with our emotions alone. Certainly it often felt our needs were not important (which was the predominant theme of the “do as I say and do not argue/we know best” approach to childrearing that had gone on for centuries).

While, like anyone, I could express many more things in my childhood that have stuck with me, experiencing my mother’s own trauma when we were alone with her, which was for significant amounts of our early life, elicited a feeling of constantly being on edge.

As I grew I spoke up more, unwilling to accept the emotional load being put on me, which resulted in a lot of raging arguments in my teenage years.

No one except my brother would have much of an appreciation for this, because around others my mother was quite different. In fact, around others, especially my father, she would have felt safer and, therefore, calmer. This Jekyll and Hyde behavior obviously made it very difficult for me to bond with a mum who, for all that I knew loved me, because my internal shields were well and truly up.

While I did not have the words for any of this back then, having caught myself descending into this chuntering state with both my partner and our own kids at times was a red flag for me. I knew I had to address my own reactions to break the cycle.

All that said, I feel blessed with my experiences because they helped shape me and to relate to others’ struggles and other dysfunctional behavior. I feel strongly that I have come into this life to shine a light on this more insidious type of trauma, one that lives in all of us in various guises, and help break the chain of pain that is occurring in pretty much every home across the planet. So in this sense, um was the perfect mother for me.

I also recognize that this was but one facet of my mum, one I have come to see with compassion, and she had many more that were far more positive. As a grandparent she was generous and loving, as a friend she was insightful and loyal, and as my parent she was all those things too; I always knew I was wanted and loved, it just did not always feel that way, especially when she was “up to high doh.”

It seems to me that through shame, guilt, and pain very few of us talk about our experiences, not realizing the person next to us is living their own twisted version of the same. The systemic issues we face in society today are all fed by the ongoing cycles of trauma within us and can only be solved by bringing them into the light. 

We don’t all have to share our stories publicly. Even just opening up to a trusted friend or therapist can help us understand what we experienced, chip away at our shame, and break the cycle of pain so we don’t unknowingly repeat the same patterns.

So who are you protecting? What big-T or small-t trauma shaped you? Is it time to tell your own story? Maybe sharing is the key to your healing, or helping heal someone else.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Shona Keachie

Shona teaches by the power of example how to find our inner truth among the often harried day to day practicalities of life. If you enjoyed this article you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility To follow her blog click here. www.shonakeachie.com

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

The You Matter Marathon: A Simple, FREE Way to Change Someone’s Life (No Running Required)

I care. I’m here. I’m sorry. You can.

Two simple words can make a huge difference. They can soothe, heal, connect, and inspire.

Perhaps the two most powerful words in the English language: You matter.

Far too many people don’t believe this is true. Especially since the start of the pandemic, many have felt isolated, purposeless, and some even hopeless, wondering if they’ll ever feel connected and valuable again—if they ever even have.

My new friend Cheryl Rice started this global kindness movement, the You Matter Marathon, for this very reason.

It all began back in 2016 when a colleague handed her a business sized card with only those two powerful words on it—You matter.

That gesture and those two words touched Cheryl deeply.

Cheryl wanted to pay it forward, so she ordered her own You Matter cards and began sharing them with family and friends. From there, she began handing them out to people she appreciated in her community, like her dry cleaner and the man who sold her fruit at her local farmer’s market.

Weeks later, she got confirmation that her simple mission had the capacity to completely transform someone’s day—and maybe even their life.

She was standing behind a woman in the grocery store checkout line. The cashier asked the woman how she was doing. Instead of offering a painfully dishonest, knee-jerk “I’m fine,” she confessed that her husband had just lost his job, she was having issues with her son, and she didn’t know how she was going to get through the holidays. She then pulled out her food stamps.

Cheryl’s heart ached for this woman, who she wished she could somehow help. She knew she couldn’t solve her problems or take away her pain, but she could give her one of the most powerful gifts anyone can receive from another human being—a moment of validation. And that’s exactly what she did when she approached the woman in the parking lot and handed her a You Matter card.

The woman began to cry and said, “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

Her response caught Cheryl off guard and cracked her heart open even further. She asked if she could give the woman a hug and then Cheryl went to her car and cried.

So many people are starving for acknowledgment, walking through their days in a daze of pain, hoping someone will truly see them and care. Maybe you’re one of those people, or you were at one point in your life. I know I’ve been there before.

We all want to believe that we matter and that our feelings matter, but we don’t always think to give this type of affirmation to the people we encounter. Maybe because we get wrapped up in our own problems or because we think it takes a lot of time or money to make a meaningful difference for someone else.

But when we reach outside ourselves and make a heart-to-heart connection with someone who’s hurting, or who just yearns to be seen and valued as a human being, in that moment, we matter. We make a difference. And we inspire someone else to do the same, one life-affirming interaction at a time.

That’s what the You Matter Marathon is about—creating positive connections within and between individuals and communities one card share at a time.

To support their primary mission of sharing one million You Matter cards every November, they offer a free month’s supply of You Matter cards to anyone who signs up here.Since 2016, millions of cards have circulated through eighty-three countries, making a massive, stunningly positive impact. Join the movement and help heal the world, one day and one card at a time.

To learn more, check out the one-minute You Matter Marathon highlight video and Cheryl’s ten-minute TEDx talk, You Matter—Changing the World with 2 Words.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post The You Matter Marathon: A Simple, FREE Way to Change Someone’s Life (No Running Required) appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

The You Matter Marathon: A Simple, FREE Way to Change Someone’s Life (No Running Required) published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

How I’m Healing from Codependency After Growing Up with an Alcoholic Parent

“The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.” ~Melody Beattie

In 2019, I decided to leave my marriage and start over. Although my relationship with my ex-husband brought deep pain and many months of suffering, I felt content with my decision.

In a short time, I began to feel great. I developed a healthy routine, exercised regularly, began meditating every day, spent time in nature, maintained healthy and deep connections with people, and tried to focus on the positive.

For a few months, it seemed to be working. Until I met a man and got emotionally involved with him. I realized then I’d really been living in denial.

The moment I began dating or seeing someone more intimately, my life felt unmanageable. Suddenly, I would abandon my daily routine and spend days preoccupied with what this person was doing or why it would take them thirteen minutes to respond to my message. I’d become obsessed and wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

I was quick to throw a tantrum to create more drama and fights. In some twisted and weird way, it felt exciting. I had something to resolve and take care of. I was feeding off the extreme lows and highs with people I dated.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I didn’t understand what it meant to be addicted to excitement, as stated in the famous laundry list. Now I do.

My need to control the other person, the fear of abandonment, my obsession over people’s feelings, and my desire to fix their problems while ignoring mine brought an unbearable pain I couldn’t ignore anymore.

It all broke down this year. I met someone who once again triggered my codependency and challenged my trauma wounds. Shortly after we started talking, I began to feel crazy again. Constant anxiety, fear of loss, desire to control and manipulate situations, were coming to the surface until the relationship ended. Another failed attempt to be in a relationship.

What followed was intolerable emotional pain. I never felt so lost in my entire life. I couldn’t function properly, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t work, and I was paralyzed by desperation, hopelessness, and loneliness.

Meanwhile, somewhere between my pain and inability to see my worth, I broke through. 

For the very first time, I was forced to feel my emotions. Although it felt brutal at times, I was at least feeling. The pain cracked me open in my core and didn’t allow me to numb anymore. Anger, worthlessness, guilt, shame, fear of loss, the pain of believing I am hard to love—it all came pouring out full force.

Who would have ever thought that a broken heart, or at least what I perceived as a broken heart, would uncover my codependency and lead to emotional healing and more authenticity?

For the next couple of months, I would come home, lie on the floor in the middle of my bedroom in a fetal position, and brace myself for the emotional outburst that was about to come. I was processing and releasing my emotions, and there was no coming back.

I would breathe heavily and cry uncontrollably for days and weeks to come. I would cry at work, at the store while picking avocados, when I was falling asleep, or watching a TikTok video. It didn’t matter. For the first time in my life, I was feeling my feelings and didn’t push them away.

Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure what was happening. I had no logical explanation for this emotional rollercoaster until I talked to one of my good friends, Gaia. She mentioned a book she was reading, Codependent No More, and suggested I check it out.

I never considered myself codependent. By definition, I was the opposite of it. I had my apartment, paid my bills, lived on my own, worked while building my business, and took care of myself.

However, I decided to give it a shot and read it. What followed was epiphany after epiphany and a few A-ha moments. I began to understand why I felt crazy when entering any intimate relationship or a possibility of one. I began to see how the pain from my codependency allowed me to open up.

As I was sitting in my studio apartment while contemplating everything I’d learned and now understood about codependency, I knew that this was about to significantly transform my life if I did the work and didn’t stop.

Living with a person with chemical dependency shapes you into a control freak with unhealthy survival mechanisms. Codependency is one of them. The only way to change is to be willing to face the truth and commit to deep inner healing. 

So, the question was, “What is the next best step I can take right now to heal and recover?”

At first, I needed to take personal inventory and be honest with myself. Who am I? What are my toxic traits, and when does my codependency step in? When do I manipulate people? Am I trying to fix people’s problems to increase my value and prove my worth? How can I stop doing that and rely on myself for approval and validation?

I remember the day when my mum called and let me know that our dog, Aida, had suddenly passed away. Shortly before her call, I’d had one of my emotional relapses and picked a fight with a person I was seeing at that time. I then used this disturbing news and my sadness as a tool to manipulate the other person. The victim façade I put on made them forget about my toxic behavior and feel sorry for me instead. What can I say? Manipulation at its best.

Honestly, it was not easy, admitting to myself that I manipulated people, that I was emotionally dependent on them and wanted to control them. This was not the type of resume I would want to show around, but at least it was real.

I was standing in my authenticity, and it felt incredible.

Once I became aware of my behavior, it was time to forgive.

The tricky part about growth and healing is that once you become aware of your shortcomings and trauma sabotaging techniques, it is easy to move from practical awareness to self-judgment. 

So, I needed to forgive, forgive, and forgive some more. Therefore, I incorporate forgiveness into my meditation practice. I didn’t understand how utterly guilty I felt until I sat down to practice forgiveness through meditation for the first time.

After I closed my eyes and said out loud, “I forgive myself,” I had to pause the recording. My emotions came pouring out. It felt as if I had been holding my breath and finally exhaled after many years of keeping things inside. The guilt and shame came washing over me, and I began to release them.

I finally gave myself a break and instead of harsh judgment and criticism, I offered myself acceptance and empathy.

One of the most common patterns of codependent people is that we constantly feel guilty and not enough, and we limit ourselves from anything good or loving since we don’t believe we deserve it. The only way through this madness is to use compassion and understanding toward what we have done or who we believe we are. It’s about empathizing with our past, becoming aware about what happened to us and the impact it had.

No one is born to manipulate and control. It’s not who we are. It’s who we become as a survival mechanism. We adopt these toxic traits until we are brave enough to look in the mirror, admit to our mistakes, and break our patterns. And the only way is through self-forgiveness.

I started to work the 12-step program for codependents. I also learned that recovering from codependency is a journey, not a destination. Healing codependency is about self-control, constant self-care, practicing detachment, surrendering, and developing a healthy relationship with power.

As I learned from Melody Beattie, an author of numerous books on codependency, recovery is the only way to stop the pain.

Growing up in a household with chemically dependent people or in a home that doesn’t provide safety and proper nurturing, you may develop an unhealthy relationship with power as a coping mechanism. You may believe that if you can control and predict everything and fix people’s problems, you’ll be fine. You’ll be in control. You’ll be loved and enough.

But the only thing you can fully manage is yourself. Any time you try to control things or people, you’ll experience pain when they don’t meet your expectations. As you may already know, people do what they want, and many situations don’t play out the way we envision. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is to find my power by looking into a mirror. Stopping the pain is about practicing detachment, letting go, working on my recovery to overcome the fear of loss and abandonment, and giving myself as much love as I possibly can.

The need to control often results in desperation that brings suffering, while practicing detachment and caring for yourself brings peace and allows healing.

Today, I say with confidence, “I am codependent.”

I am aware that to live healthier, I must stay truthful to my recovery. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I fail. Over time, there will be fewer losses and more wins. It comes with practice. I am mindful of the emotional and mental relapse that comes with the process. I know that I will fall into my old patterns and then struggle to get back on track.

However, I know I have the power to make different choices. When things seem to fall apart on the outside, it’s time to go inside, feel, process, and forgive. That’s my new way of life. Although it challenges and triggers wounds I need to heal, it gives me hope to believe those good things can happen for me too.

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Silvia Turonova

Silvia Turonova is a mindset coach who teaches women how to develop more self-trust and inner confidence while learning how to bet on themselves. She hosts a podcast Courage Within You and is passionate about teaching others how to coach themselves. Get her free self-coaching worksheet here.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How I’m Healing from Codependency After Growing Up with an Alcoholic Parent appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

How I’m Healing from Codependency After Growing Up with an Alcoholic Parent published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace

[kivae]

The Six P’s: What to Do and Not to Do When Dealing with Setbacks and Failure

“Sometimes you get what you want. Other times, you get a lesson in patience, timing, alignment, empathy, compassion, faith, perseverance, resilience, humility, trust, meaning, awareness, resistance, purpose, clarity, grief, beauty, and life. Either way, you win.” ~Brianna Wiest

“Good as gold,” the cab driver replied as I nervously handed him the $20 bill and asked, “Okay?” He jumped in his cab and drove off.

I was pleasantly surprised by his politeness, as I was expecting him to argue with me for extra money because we went around in circles searching for the address that I had given him at the airport. These were the pre-GPS days, of course!

This was the start of my emotional rollercoaster upon arrival in New Zealand as a new migrant.

The first few days were filled with excitement and happiness. Discovering a new country, meeting friendly people, learning new things—all these experiences made me a wide-eyed migrant seduced by the charms of my new surroundings.

After a few weeks, the rollercoaster took a downward dive as I started getting frustrated with a spate of rejections. All my job applications brought forth polite rejection letters. The message I was getting was that my lack of local experience made me very unappealing to prospective employers. Nobody was willing to even interview me.

How was I going to break out of this Catch-22 situation? I couldn’t get local experience without a job, but I couldn’t get a job without local experience!

After months of fruitless searching, the rollercoaster finally took an upward turn. Driven to despair by the unwillingness of employers to grant me an interview, I decided to enroll in a university to acquire a local qualification in the hope that it might open a door for me. This out-of-the-box thinking got me my first job through a contact from the university. At last, a feeling of joy!

I felt that my problems had ended, and now I was set for a long and successful career in my adopted country. How wrong I was! It was time for the emotional rollercoaster to start its downward journey again.

Within a few months, my joy turned to confusion when my employer’s behavior went from being very pleased with me to finding fault with everything I did almost overnight. I struggled to understand what had changed.

A little while later I realized that my employer had hired me only to take advantage of a government scheme that subsidized (for a fixed term) employers who hired new migrants.

My employer blamed me for things that had nothing to do with me and attributed other people’s mistakes to me. His cunning plan was to make my life so difficult that I would quit the job. That way there wouldn’t be any awkward questions from the government department for him to answer about hiring me and then firing me within a few months.

I felt an overarching sense of sadness and disappointment when I realized that my initial thoughts of everyone in my new country being friendly was just an illusion. I learned the lesson that people were people, some good and some not-so-good, no matter what part of the world they were in. I parted ways with my first employer in rather unpleasant circumstances.

The long period of unemployment that followed created self-doubts in my mind.

“Did I do the right thing by moving countries?”

“Would I ever succeed in finding decent employment?”

Feelings of regret began to run riot in my mind.

“Why didn’t I find out more about my employment prospects in this country before deciding to move here lock, stock, and barrel?”

“I shouldn’t have taken such a big risk.”

Every time I heard about someone that I knew doing well back home, I felt sorry for myself. I started feeling like I’d made a mistake by moving to New Zealand. As I had burned bridges before migrating, I felt there was no way of going back and restarting from where I had left off.

By the time the rollercoaster took another upward turn, I had already been in the country for quite a while. It took four to five years for my career to stabilize and for me to start feeling satisfied with my decision of migrating to New Zealand. When you migrate to a new country, it’s not just the flight that is long-haul!

The reason for describing the story of my emotional rollercoaster is to share my experiences and consequent learnings with you. My hope is that if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you might be able to alleviate your feelings of hopelessness with the realization that you’re not alone and you can get out of any difficult situation with the right mindset.

THE SIX Ps

I’d like to encapsulate this journey of going from where you are to where you want to be in terms of “The Six P’s”—three P’s for what one shouldn’t do, and three P’s for what one should do.

Let’s first take a look at the three P’s to avoid.

1. Don’t take setbacks or adversities PERSONALLY.

It’s important to separate your failures from your identity.

If we take every rejection, setback, and problem personally, our self-esteem takes a beating and we can easily go down the rabbit holes of despair and depression.

I was rejected over 200 times, without even getting an interview, before I got my first job. While I would never want to be in that situation again, or ever wish that upon anyone, I realize that I was fortunate not to allow myself to get dragged deep into the swamp of feeling worthless. In hindsight, I believe that this tough phase played a key role in building my resilience.

2. Don’t allow a failure to become all-PERVASIVE.

A failure or setback in one area of your life should remain contained to that area and not spill over into other areas.

When my emotional rollercoaster was on a downward slope, it felt natural for me to start linking my failure in landing a job to every other aspect of life in the new country. Negative thoughts started doing the rounds in my mind.

“I’m a misfit here.”

“This place is not right for me.”

“I am doomed.”

The unfortunate consequence of such pervasive thinking is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy unless you stop this vicious cycle before it becomes too late. Enrolling in a course was the best step I took at that time as it gave my mind something else to focus on.

3. Don’t think of any adversity as PERMANENT.

Every crisis in the history of the world has ended. However difficult your challenge might seem, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. You may not be able to see it from where you are now, but take comfort in the history of the world and assure yourself that your crisis will also have an end.

My challenge with finding a job as a migrant went on for a long time, but eventually, it did end. If I had adopted a mindset of permanence with thoughts like “I’m never going to succeed here,” my efforts would have waned. When our efforts start to taper off, the desired results start moving further away from us.

Now for the three P’s to adopt!

1. Have PATIENCE.

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “good things take time.” Have faith in that!

Some things take longer than we would like. That’s just life. Have the willingness to wait as you keep following the process. Dedicate yourself to the process and allow the results to happen.

2. Develop PERSEVERANCE.

Too often people give up just before they’re about to crack the code. The ability to continue our efforts in the face of difficulty or forge through delay in the way of their success is what separates the winners from the also-rans.

Life is like an obstacle race. Get better at tackling the obstacles and continuing your journey toward your objectives. Take help, reach out for support—do whatever it takes to keep going.

3. Find your PURPOSE.

I believe that this third P underpins the other two P’s that you should do to achieve success.

Without a strong purpose, it becomes easy to give up when the going gets tough. Purpose provides the fuel for motivation.

Figure out why you want what you want. What is driving you? Go deep, look beneath the surface—sometimes your real WHY can be hidden under superficial WHYs.

It can be difficult to have patience and perseverance if you don’t know the true purpose behind your goals.

—

Life is a journey of ups and downs. Realizing and accepting this fact puts us in a much better position to handle adversities. Most of our disappointment in life comes from having unrealistic expectations.

If you’re ready to handle the ups and downs of this rollercoaster of life, buckle yourself in and enjoy the ride!

See more Posts

window.addEventListener('load', function(event) { tinybuddha.linkToMorePosts();});

About Shiv Kumar

Shiv Kumar is an online career and personal development coach based in New Zealand. With a background of thirty-five years at various levels in the corporate world, his mission is to help people like his former self break through mid-career blues and find satisfaction and fulfillment in their careers and lives. His coaching is available to people living in any part of the world. His website is www.thinklifecoaching.co.nz.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post The Six P’s: What to Do and Not to Do When Dealing with Setbacks and Failure appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

The Six P’s: What to Do and Not to Do When Dealing with Setbacks and Failure published first on https://medium.com/@BitSpiritSpace