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koalabeeee-blog · 5 years

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im sorry to all the people i hurt. im sorry i lied. as much as my body may beg for the sympathy of others, im sorry. it all started with a bad place- a year where i was depressed, i was broken, i was staying up all night, and i just didnt give a shit. i made one lie. one i didnt think would matter. each lie at that time didnt matter- so i didnt think this one would. it turns out it would all make my life crumble down. it made my life amazing for a couple of years, i met so many new friends and life was okay. i felt okay. i felt loved- something i had wanted for so, so long. anyone would do anything for that kind of feeling- they would lie, they would cheat, they would hide the truth from so many people. lies are truly such a guilty pleasure. you get lost in them. you forget who you are. you think doing some of the most absurd things is okay. if you were to tell anyone about what you did, theyd freak out. how could you lie about something like that? but to you, its just a regular thing. pretending to be something your not. thats what it was to me. and no one knew. i never said a word. and why would i? i was terrified of anyone finding out. my parents would have my ass, my friends would despise me and my signifigant other would be heartbroken. i had to live in that constant fear of being found out. it was horrifying. i never wanted everything to come crumbling down on top of me. but not just me, itd also hurt my friends. i didnt want to have that on me- knowing that i hurt so many people. i didnt want that on them. so i kept lying. i had to. would they have wanted me to come out about it? surely they wouldnt. so i lived with it. not just out of bliss- not just to hurt people- i lived with it because at the time i had to. overtime, though, everything started to slow down. the bliss. the friends. the relationship. it crumbled- but in the way i wanted it to. i wanted to get away. when everyone started to seperate, when i believed my girlfriend (at the time) didnt love me, i was so happy. not because i didnt love them. because i thought i could slip away. i thought i could just disappear. a quick and painless death where no one got hurt. it was perfect. so i tried to slip away. i tried. but it didnt work. i had told one of my friends that i was going to try to leave, i believe at the time i said because i wanted to move on with my life (which was my plan all along- to move on once everything started to burn out). and i told them the lie. and to my relief, they laughed it off. they were surprised, but they didnt want to kill me for it. did i deserve such a reaction? morally, i dont think so. but to me, i needed it. i needed someone to take my hand calmly and not smack it away. i needed that because i was terrified of the reaction i expected. so i took their hand. and i got slashed in the wrist for it. they thought it was the right thing to do to tell the people i was trying to leave that i was leaving. its like telling someone youre being abused, and not to tell said abuser because itll get worse if they know. was i being abused? no, i wasnt. but still- i was trying to take the better way out. slipping away. but they didnt see it that way. maybe because they werent in my shoes. but they told my ex specifically. it was the one thing i never wanted. they consulted me about it. this part was blurry for me, but all i know is i wanted to slip away from them because i didnt want to hurt them. i dont think theyll ever understand how much i didnt want to hurt them. as time went on, i continued to talk to my ex, and i was seperated from the friend that betrayed me. i dont know what i was thinking, but i tried to get the old friend group i had back together. while this happened, i had another friend i was getting closer again with. i dont know what came over me, but i didnt treat them right. im not afraid to admit that. they pissed me off, and i lashed out at them. it was a messy friendship, so i tried to cut it off. i managed to, but it came back to bite me in the ass. i dont know exactly what happened, but they too found out about my lie. and they told my friends. it all crumbled down. it all crumbled down early in the morning, when i was just waking up. i woke up to messages from my ‘friends’ calling me a manipulative bitch and then blocking me. i couldnt apologize. i couldnt explain everything. all i could do was sit and let everything sink in. it felt like being tied up and being whipped. it felt like i was being killed over and over again- only to be brought back to experience the same pain over and over again. it was selfish of me, but i wanted to kill myself. the pain was genuinely too much. the only person that didnt block me was my ex. they gave me a chance to keep talking, but to this day it doesnt feel like that chance. it feels like a chance to be reminded of my past mistakes and past loves. past memories where life felt like everything was going to be okay. theyre currently blocking me at my request, and i dont know if i want to be unblocked. its not good for my health to feel pain over and over. im currently severely depressed- school is toppling over me, im losing so many friends by the second, and i despise myself. im sure this is what those past friends want, so at least they can be happy. thats all i wanted from the start. i dont know what to make out of this post, but if anyone reads this, please use it as some sort of psa. please, no matter what you do, please dont ever lie. i know its hard. i know you can get so much out of it. but please. for your sake and others, its so dangerous and could truly hurt your life. its never worth it.

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koalabeeee-blog · 6 years

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hot book of mormon yaoi

whoops, this isnt google lol hahahah h XD

#fa

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koalabeeee-blog · 6 years

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