krystalevette - Tumblr blog

krystalevette · 6 months

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(this ended up being a lot longer than i had anticipated, but here we are)

for a while now, i’ve wanted to talk about how ethel cain has impacted my life. considering i made this account to keep up with hayden, i feel like this is the best place to tell my story when it comes to discovering her music and how it resonates with me. i’m not really expecting anyone to read this, i just want it to exist outside of the walls of my mind.

i’m going to talk about some potentially triggering topics, but if you’re familiar with hayden’s music what i'm going to be talking about is the same subject matter. however, it’ll be my story and how i connect with the music. plus, i’m autistic and kind of want to go on and on about her music and i’m too shy to go down rabbit holes with people in my life. so, a tumblr post it is.

i guess i’ll start by talking about where i was in life when i first heard preacher’s daughter. i was deep in the healing process when it came to childhood trauma, but my main dragon to slay was a man who had came into my life like a hurricane. i’ll go into more depth once i go more in depth when i get to the music. but, as a short summary introduction, i met a man who had schizophrenia, homocidal thoughts as well as cannibalistic ideation. i’m sure you can see where this is going.

looking back, i followed hayden on instagram in (i’m guessing late) 2022, but i first listened to preacher’s daughter in march of this year. i was staying at my friends’ house and i had stumbled on a twitter thread talking in depth about the album and i was immediately intrigued. so, i decided on the hour long drive back from their house, i would listen to the album. granted, i wish i had sat down with the lyrics and was able to fully immerse myself in the story. i remember saying to my friends as a joke “i’m going to listen to an album by a trans woman talking about religious trauma. so if i crash my car from sobbing, it’s been real”.

once the album and the drive started, i knew that this was going to be something special. as i was behind the wheel, i couldn’t read lyrics and to a degree hear all of them. but, it was the feeling i got listening to the songs that made me realize as soon as i got home, i needed to listen again with lyrics. at this point, i still was unaware of the lore or the actual story of the album. but, as time went on and i kept listening, i started processing what she was saying. and once i did, i became fully engrossed in the story.

when it comes to the religious aspect, as a trans woman, being dragged to church as a child took its tole on me as i began paying attention to what was being said. i had just begun exploring the idea of being attracted to men. and once i was outed as gay, i felt free enough to start experimenting with feminine clothing. and it all just kind of fell into place after that. other than my dad and step mom, my family weren’t accepting and as a minor i was restricted in some aspects when it came to my gender expression. once my dad and step mom dipped out of my life when i turned 17, i was stuck with the restrictions. once i turned 18, i was more free to explore. my immediate family on my mom’s side was religious, my mom being the most religious. fast forwarding a bit, now that i've been on hormones for three and a half years, gotten a breast augmentation as well as bottom surgery, my relationship with my mom has been a little rocky, but she still loves me in her own way. and though she’s not able to be there for me on an acceptance level, she shows her love in other ways. and i’m grateful to still have her in my life. i know some trans people aren’t as lucky.

when it comes to the childhood sa, i had a lingering suspicion as well as every therapist i met telling me i was repressing a type of childhood trauma. and though i didn’t know what it was, i knew in my gut that they were right. last year, through trauma therapy, i uncovered that i was molested by my uncle before the age of four. i don’t know too much about it because once things with the guy i had mentioned previously had a horrible ending, the focus of the sessions shifted to healing from that.

now, as for that man, i found myself extremely drawn to him. we met in the psych ward (red flag number one) and we developed a close bond quite quickly. he had always been extremely open with me about his homocidal thoughts and cannibalistic urges. he would send me extremely graphic messages about his thoughts and fantasies. i was one of the only people who didn’t show fear when it came to them. and in a twisted way, us being close and him being somewhat protective over me made me feel safe. like if anyone were to hurt me, he would “take care of it”. it got to a point where i would basically be his crisis hotline and almost daily i had to talk him down from snapping and acting on his urges. i’ve talked him down from driving to people’s houses with guns in his front seat. as we got closer, he preyed on my vulnerabilities. i was a virgin at the time, he changed that and then never touched me again. my guess it was a level of control he wanted over me.

i unfortunately let him move into my one bedroom apartment and he had his bed and belongings in my living room. facing his constant neglect made me feel a level of lonely that caused me to spiral and develop a sex addiction. whenever he would hurt me emotionally, i would go meet up with a random guy. he eventually left my life, but stayed in my town. he still lives here. and somehow i’m supposed to watch out and he better not see me in public when he’s in my town. and if i didn’t have the amount of tattoos i have, i very well could have ended up his first victim and his first taste of flesh.

i’m sure you can put the pieces together of where i relate when it comes to certain songs. the heartache of religion feeling like somewhat of an enemy, songs like the two family trees and sun bleached flies spoke to me. when it came to my childhood sa, hard times was there. and when it came to this man, strangers was obviously very poignant. however, the idea that i could have easily ended up meeting the same fate as ethel made ptolemaea, august underground and televangelism as well as strangers run deep. and when it comes to my sex addiction with men who didn’t give a fuck about me, i felt like gibson girl spoke to me on that level. i was constantly intoxicated and in sexual situations, feeling like i was pimping myself out (though i wasn’t getting paid).

when it comes to thoroughfare, i feel like it encapsulates meeting him and feeling like everything was going to be okay, that he was different. and being further in my healing process at the time, a house in nebraska and western nights was a testament to how though he took everything from me and drained me of my strength and will to survive, i still loved him. in particular, in a house in nebraska, the lyric about his mother calling and asking if i'm doing fine when i’d kill myself to hold him one more time. and in western nights, the lyric about saying i was never going to leave him even if he lost what was left of his mind. this album felt like an album that was a biography of my life without me writing it. it’s how i could have ended up.

as time went on, i started diving into the rest of her discography and found comfort in finally finding an artist who not only encapsulated how dark my mind can get, but i related to on such a deep level. as time went on, my fixation with the lore and with the music grew stronger and stronger. in late september, i had bottom surgery. a week and a half after was hayden’s pittsburgh show. i was determined to hear these songs live because with her concepts being so intricate, i didn’t know if she would perform them moving forward. i didn’t ask my doctors, i stopped the painkillers as soon as i was home and i risked my health to see this show. it being sold out, i was fully prepared to sit outside just to hear the music. but, the day of the show, i managed to get a ticket. i cried when that happened.

experiencing these songs live and feeling them radiate around me was one of the most special things i have ever experienced. not to mention, the event was beautiful with the trees lit up in different colors, it being in the middle of a park (literally on top of the bricks on the ground i'm the stage being like a small tent. it felt intimate in the sense that i wasn’t worthy of being there. when it comes to my health, i was doing a lot better than i had expected at that point and made sure to take the most safety precautions i was able to. i sat in the handicap section, had my donut pillow and tylenol and ibuprofen in hand. i had no medical complications and ended up being fine the entire show.

if anyone has read this, i appreciate you for listening to me go on and on about hayden. and if by some miracle hayden sees this, thank you for your art. i know it resonates with so many, but i don’t think i would have made it this year to experience the blessing of my surgeries without your music there during my healing. your music truly saved me and is still a lifeline to me whenever i’m struggling. i can’t wait for the b-sides / new ep as well as the novel.

but, until then, i hold the songs we have close to my chest. there’s a magic to the story and narrative of ethel cain that is extremely rare and i truly believe that it is the greatest album of all time and that thoroughfare is one of the best songs ever written. the story telling is insane.

#ethel cain

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