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kuhflex · 5 years

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We’ll be okay

My heart is pounding, as I hang up the phone, begging Kenneth to just hold on.

I jump out of the car, shaking. As fast as I can I run along the street, remembering all the times I saw him smiling. I remember the times my heart started pounding so hard when he said something nice about me to our friends, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, pulling me even closer, smiling at me. I remember the times I went out to see him, to talk to him, asking him what he’s doing here standing in the rain by himself and all alone. He would smile at me, saying, that he’s glad I’m here now, that I’m with him in the rain. I would bring him into my house, telling mom he would sleep over, then I would give him fresh clothes. He would never tell me what’s going on.

When I arrive at his house a few streets later, I’m freezing. I know where he is. He once showed me this place he calls „Space zone“. So I bang on his door, hoping that it’s not too late. I remember him telling me that his parents aren’t at home, so I open the door, still shaking. I slam it behind me and run ahead. I find my way to the attic, hoping—praying, that he’s still there, waiting for me, alive.

And he is. His hand is shaking as hard as mine when he smiles at me while the gun is facing his sleeve. His finger is gently on the trigger. I shut my eyes for a moment. I’m waiting for the bang, I’m waiting for his warm blood to spray over me, I’m waiting for him to pull the trigger already. But he pauses, just standing there and, as I open my eyes, I can see him, still smiling at me. It’s the same smile he gives me every time we would meet up, every time I would tell him a dump story. His eyes are shiny but there is no single tear. And I realize, he’s ready to do this. I realize that he has given me hints in the past, especially in the past few months. The small jokes about suicide, about death and about how the future would be without him. I would tell him, that a world without him would totally suck, smirking. We both would laugh.

“Hey mate,” he finally says, softly breathing. If I wouldn’t know him so well I would say he’s only doing this because he’s drunk or high, but I know that he would never do drugs.

“What are you doing here?” I ask with a soft voice. “Put that gun down. You don’t need to do this,” I tell him. Kenneth shakes his head, closes his eyes for a short moment.

“I have to. I can’t do this any longer. The suffering … I don’t know what to do about it except pulling this goddamn trigger,” he says. His eyes show the pain as he stops smiling. Now I can finally see all the pain he was hiding behind this big ass beautiful smile every goddamn day. And I never saw it. I mean, sure, I saw that there was something going on but I would’ve never guessed it was that bad.

“You can do anything except this. Why did you never tell me that you feel this way?”

I can see that Kenneth wants to say something, but he keeps his mouth shut.

“Put that gun down, hand it over and we’ll talk about this, alright?” I say with a breaking voice.

The boy in front of me, my best friend I went through anything with shakes his head, his eyes get shiny.

“Why do you wanna do this? Don’t you care about me? About Sophie, about Ben and your parents? Didn’t you want to ask out Emily? What would she do when I had to tell her that you killed yourself?”

“She won’t care,” he says. Now I shake my head.

“That’s not true and you know that, Kenneth. I don’t exactly know what you’re going through and I’m so incredibly sorry that I didn’t help you earlier but now I am here and I am going to help you right now. So put that gun down, Kenneth. Please.”

“I can’t,” he whispers, closing his eyes. I’m frozen, but he’s still not moving his finger. I’m in panic and I don’t know what he’ll do when I come any closer to him as I already am so I stay at the place I am standing right now.

“You can, you hear me? I know that you will find your strength inside of your weakest moment right now. Because you know what? Everything will be okay. I promise.”

“I can’t do this,” Kenneth repeats, his hands start shaking any harder, if that’s even possible, the tears start running down his cheeks by now and I know that he’s going to pull the trigger. He takes a deep breath and I find myself hoping that it’s not his last one forever. His eyelids are firmly pressed together as his finger starts moving.

“Stop!” I shout, tearing up and breaking down. I fall on my knees, already seeing his dead body falling to the ground while I feel his warm blood all over my body. But neither happens.

“Look,” my best friend whispers. “I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me, too.” I laugh desperately. “But I really have to do this right now. I’m sorry for letting you alone. I’m sorry for being a bad best friend-“

“You’re the fucking best friend I could’ve ever asked for. Except you’re really doing this right now.”

“I am,” Kenneth softly says, as if he’s not believing that this situation is happening right now. Either of us is moving until I lift my head and catch his eye.

“I can’t live without you, Kenneth. It’s not just that I’d lose my best friend. I mean, with whom should I make fun of the footballers if not with you? With whom should I stay up all night having a fucking deep conversation about love and sex and with whom should I watch the sunrise afterwards, tired as fuck, but happy? I need you by my side, Kenneth. You are not the only one who’s struggling, you know?”

“What are you struggling with?” Kenneth asks frowning.

“I don’t want to live every day, either, you know. My life is hard, too, but I won’t quit because I know it will get better. Especially when I have you by my side.”

“You’re lying. You would have told me.”

“No, I’m not. I never told you because it is because of you.” Before he can say anything I continue. I don’t care if I’m destroying our friendship because it doesn’t matter – if I’m not honest right now there won’t be a friend to have a friendship with soon anyway. So I go on. I tell him my biggest secret.

“Look,“ I sigh desperately. “I’m gay. And the reason why I never told you is … I fell for you a long time ago, Kenneth. I know you’re straight, I know that. And that’s okay. But you should know that you are loved, not just by your family and probably Emily, but by your best friend and that love is more than just the way friends love each other. I’m sorry for never telling you that, I guess I just never had the balls to do it.”

I hold my breath for a moment and let this one single tear run down my cheeks. I realize; no matter how this ends, it will never be the same again. He will need space – maybe forever – after this if he makes it out alive. “Just … don’t kill yourself. Please. I really need you, Kenny. I … love you.”

I can’t overcome to face him right now, so I keep my head low. I hear a loud clattering noise which causes me to flinch.

Then I hear the sound of a body dropping. There’s no warm blood that sprays on me, but a warm body beside me. Kenneth drops the gun as he kneels beside me. My best friend wraps his arms around me and it’s almost like usual except that it will never be like this again because he almost killed himself and I told him I love him.

“I love you,” he tells me, repeating those three words over and over again. His voice is getting quieter, the more often he repeats the three words until it is only a whisper, which is finally suffocated by the tears.

I want to believe that he loves me the way I love him and for a few seconds, I really wait for him to kiss me.

But it’s not happening. Because Kenneth is straight, probably in love with Emily, and he’s my best friend. He doesn’t mean it in that way and even if I know that, I just wish I could change it. But as long as he’s alive and still willing to have deep talks about love and sex and that stuff in the middle of the night, willing to be my best friend, it will be okay.

But I’m hurt anyway, because there was this little, ridiculous spark of hope that he maybe, eventually could feel the same way I do. I never chose to fall for my best friend, especially not since we’re both guys. I cannot choose who I fall in love with. And he cannot either. I’m crying in his shoulder and he’s holding me.

“We will be fine, alright?” he’s saying now as if I would be the one with the gun. “We will be fine. We will be fine. It doesn’t change anything to me, you hear me?”

I just nod, still crying into his shoulder, making his shirt wet.

I kinda still hope that he is going to tell me that he’s in love with me too when we’re walking along the street while the sun is sinking and we are on our way to our favorite place as he grabs my hand.

My heart shatters into pieces when he tells me the following. But it’s okay. As long as he’s still in my life as my best friend, I’ll be okay.

“We will get you a nice boyfriend and I’ll ask Emily out and she will say yes and then we will have great double dates every week.”

“Yes,” I whisper, letting go of his hand, keeping a little bit distance between us. More than I used to keep and I know it will never be like it used to be.

But we will be okay. We will be okay. We will be okay. We will be … okay.

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