kxttenxx

[kxttenxx]

Introduction to BDSM

So I recently opened up to my boyfriend about my various kinks and fantasies, but as someone who had previously no idea about these things he was highly confused and had a lot of questions. After explaining he was a lot more comfortable and open to things and we could experiment and create a list of limits and likes etc. 

I found the easiest way to explain was to create a list of sorts and so have decided to share it here for others who are learning and or want an easy way to explain their kinks. 

If you want to know any more then feel free to message me with questions and queries about the kinks or your own relationship!

Table of contents:

An introduction to BDSM

dominant/ submissive 

sado/masochism

Specific Kinks: 

Breath play

Pet play

Heat play 

Knife play

Bondage 

Consensual non consent 

Impact play

Humiliation 

Degradation

Roleplay

Hair pulling

Toys

Deprivation

Sensation play 

Brat Taming

Dirty Talk

Aftercare!!!!!

Links to videos and useful information! 

An Introduction to BDSM:

Safety:

Keeping safe is the most important thing within BDSM, so throughout this entire thing I want you to know that for every single kink and scene there are some vital necessities. 

The first of these is a safeword. This will quickly end a scene and allows the sub control over what they are and are not okay with.

Sometimes you may be unable to speak so visual cues are also needed such as tapping three times or clicking fingers. You must constantly be on the lookout for these and never ever ignore them. 

Some forms of kinks such as choking requires practise and others such as bondage require actual safety tools such as shears to quickly release the sub from the restraints.

Limits are also hugely important. BDSM is about trust and exploring new experiences, but knowing your partners limits and what they are not okay with is a must before partaking in any scenes, for example I am Not okay with anything that should remain in the toilet.

Dominant/ Submissive: 

 As far as the simplest explanation goes for this, there are often roles within BDSM relationships, the most common being dominant and submissive. 

A dominant enjoys being in control and a submissive serves and obeys. 

However there is much more to it than this, not only is there a variety of different types of doms and submissives as well as switches/ verse, it can also include their roles outside of a scene (a term used to describe the consensual acts of bdsm with exchange of power being a common feature - referred to this way as bdsm is often roleplay or a representation of creative display)

For this I would recommend checking this link for a huge list of different types of doms which will also list their type of subs: https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/bvqc7p/types_of_doms/

 Sado/Masochism:

Sadism is the sexual pleasure or gratification in the infliction of pain and suffering upon another person.

The counterpart of sadism is masochism, the sexual pleasure or gratification of having pain or suffering inflicted upon the self, often consisting of sexual fantasies or urges for being beaten, humiliated, bound, tortured, or otherwise made to suffer, either as an enhancement to or a substitute for sexual pleasure.

Sadists enjoy inflicting pain whether or not it is sexual in nature. Masochists enjoy receiving pain, which, again, may or may not be sexual. 

Pain and pleasure are closely linked, the feeling of euphoria and the pleasurable burning sensations of impact play being an example of this. A good website explaining the link between the two:

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20151001-why-pain-feels-good#:~:text=The%20link%20between%20pleasure%20and,to%20induce%20feelings%20of%20euphoria. 

Although simply just the physical pain can provide pleasure, there is also frequently a strong emotional aspect to the sexual desires, taking the form of a need for domination or submission as opposed to a simple desire for pain. Like many BDSM acts it is largely down to trust, strengthening the connection and intimate bond. 

Dominance and submission is a way of looking at the sadistic-masochistic distinction, a power dynamic rather than a set of acts. Not all masochists are submissive, and not all submissives enjoy pain. Not all sadists are dominant, and not all who enjoy dominating others are sadists.  

Specific Kinks:

Breath Play:

People who are into breath play find cutting off air supply through choking or suffocation heightens sexual arousal and makes orgasms more intense.

Restricting oxygen can make you lightheaded/ dizzy  but when the pressure is released you feel another type of rush caused by a release of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins that can cause head-spinning exhilaration. Some like the power play element involved. 

Breath play can be very dangerous and has its risks.

 Communication is vital,deciding non verbal cues beforehand such as tapping three times on your partner or surroundings or snapping fingers if hands are bound. Being aware of your partner’s response is highly important. 

 For choking pressing the outside of the throat cuts off air and blood to the brain from two main arteries and can lead to pleasure upon release however you MUST avoid pressure on the trachea/ adams apple. Practising is a good idea with this  and can be practised upon yourself. 

Pet Play:

Petplay is a form of animal roleplay where a person dresses to resemble and assumes the mannerisms or said animal, often kitten, puppy, bunny, or pony. Gear such as ears, tails, masks and mittens are often used as well as collars and leashes. 

Some enjoy retaliating against their owners trying to tame/ train them. 

Mannerisms can range from losing the ability to speak and instead using physical movements such as head tilts, pawing or tail wagging as indications. 

It doesn’t always have to be sexual and when in these headspace cuddles, headpats and stroking or playing with hair, or other forms of affection are often desired. Although as you can imagine leashes come in handy for other things. 

Often, but not always, people who enjoy petplay have suffered abuse or have led a difficult life with complications and entering this headspace allows them to relax and be cared for by their owners, and can forget about the problems of the real world as pets are unaware of these.  

TemperaturePlay:

Temperature play is a form of sensation play, where substances/ objects are used to stimulate the body’s neuroreceptors for heat and cold. When consented to, temperature play makes the brain start preparing for a hot and exciting experience and puts nerve endings on high alert

It may include water, massage oil, wax , ice, and even incorporates food play sometimes with things such as chilled whipped cream/ fruit or heated chocolate sauce. Sex toys can also be warmed in water or chilled in the freezer. 

Safety is still important and keep in mind a safe word or cue. For wax play its important to use massage oil candles or ones specifically for sex as they burn at a cooler temperature and wont burn. 

Knife Play:

Knife play uses knives, daggers or swords as a source or physical and mental stimulation.

 The biggest misconception is that blood must be drawn when often this is only for extremes. Knife play more often involves cutting off clothes, gently dragging the blunted edge along the body not hard enough to cut, pressing the cold metal against the skin or being held with caution and safety against the neck or body as a form of restriction eg. when pinned against a wall. 

Bondage:

Bondage is a form of restraint, where a rigger implements their control through tying up their partner. Typically bondage uses toys such as handcuffs or rope but can also include belts or tshirts etc. This is a great way to leave your partner feeling vulnerable and under your control. Spreader bars could also be classed as bondage. 

Suspension bars can be used to tie up the robe bunny off the floor, which when done safely (safety shears and tutorials!) can be exciting and introduces new positions (think sex swing!).

Shibari is a form of japanese rope art and can be extremely beautiful including ties such as mermaid, dragonfly or chest harnesses. 

Consensual Non Consent:

Despite being one of the most divided kinks, it is massively common and loved by many. Complete consent is given beforehand and safe words and cues are taken incredibly seriously within this kink. Often saying stop and begging for them to be gentle or stop isnt actually what the sub wants and would be disappointed if it was to end, so having a random safeword such as pineapple that is unlikely to come up in any given context is important.

CNC can be a coping mechanism for those who have been sexually assaulted, knowing they have the power to make it stop at any given moment. In fact the sub has just as much if not more power than the dom in most BDSM scenes. 

Its also great for those who are shy about partaking in sexual activities, have anxiety about doing something wrong, or are embarrassed by their bodies as it is giving up all forms of decision making and control that may cause panic. You are entirely in the hands of the dom and know they are enjoying themselves as they simply take what they like. 

It also does not have to be entirely taking, the dom can choose to stimulate the sub through oral sex and other means driving them to an orgasm, if their desire is to watch their sub come undone beneath them despite their best efforts not to enjoy what is being “forced” upon them. Often girls may be embarassed about receiving oral sex and this is a great way to overcome that. I personally hate receiving it outside of CNC as I feel uncomfortable and selfish but within this roleplay my reservations and nerves disappear. 

It is extremely hot knowing your partner is using your body however they like and knowing that they are finding pleasure from it. An easy way to think of CNC is it being a kink of finding pleasure in their partner’s pleasure instead of their own. 

Some ideas for CNC are burglar, kidnap, teacher “forcing”  himself on student or simply taking what you want when you want.

One form on CNC comes in somnophilia where the dom performs sexual acts upon the sub whilst they are asleep/ unconscious. Usually this is not full penetrative sex and consists of groping/ touching up their partners body, undressing the sub and touching themselves and ejaculating on their sleeping body or fucking their thighs or tits. It is vital to remember that consent has been given before hand and this must have been discussed to talk about limits and what each person is comfortable with. Waking up and knowing your dom needed you that badly and took what they want can be very sexually arousing and make the sub feel wanted. 

Impact Play:

Impact play refers to the use of hands, paddles, whips, canes, floggers or household objects to hit the body. Sticking to fatty areas such as thighs or butt and avoiding organs, lower back and ribcage is key. Paddles and spanking created bruises whereas whips and canes leave harsher marks depending on the force behind them. Slapping is also a common form of impact play. Not only is the pain often pleasurable, especially mixed with softer forms of sensation play such as kisses, feathers or trailing the toy gently over the body before impact, it can be a great punishment and the marks are often desired as a form of ownership. Its one of the most popular forms of power play and can be very exciting. If anything becomes uncomfortable, implement the safeword immediately. 

Humiliation:

Humiliation can be a trust exercise, a way of getting over sexual inhibitions (women historically have been put down for enjoying sexual acts however degradation encourages this behaviour and empowers) or as an act of power play, giving yourself to them and being treated how they like and is also a form of punishment. 

Humiliation includes the common kink degradation. Bitch, slut, whore, fucktoy, toy, cumslut and plaything are some of the most commonly used terms however telling your partner how pathetic, desperate/needy, and vulnerable etc they look/are is also commonly used. 

Physical humiliation can include activities such as forced masterbation, having to ask for permission to orgasm, external signs of ownerships (collars, sharpie words written on body), discipline (restraint - being tied up in humiliating stances, spanking), deprivation of privacy (forced to change in front of dom, not wearing clothes around the house), for petplay being put in a cage, ejaculating or spitting on the subs face/ body. 

Roleplay:

Roleplay is a great way to explore fantasies and spice things up. Although BDSM scenes are already a form of roleplay, enabling sexual fantasies such as degradation, you can explore power play in fun scenarios. Common roleplays include: teacher and student, kidnapper and victim,vampire and victim, police and convict - a personal favourite of mine, I love switching between being detained by a dirty cop and me myself taking the role of the cop overpowered by the convict. Roleplays can also be a great way to explore and involve kinks such as consensual non consent or dynamics such as brother and sister or father and daughter. Its important to discuss desired roleplays before hand. To avoid awkwardness  me and my boyfriend have found deciding on a time when the roleplay will occur beforehand and then entering our roles without discussing it amazing, for example when he comes home from work he could come in in character of a burglar and pin me to the couch.

Hair Pulling:

Hair pulling may seem vanilla enough however there is a correct method. Move your fingers from the neck upwards and grab a lot of hair, neck hair is stronger than the hair on the top of the head. 

https://youtu.be/jGrbs6EJEuU This is a great video on how to do so safely and correctly.

Toys:

At first my boyfriend was offended at the thought of me wanting to use toys but quickly realised this was purely down to him wanting to be enough and understood that toys can actually make things a lot more fun!

There are so many different kinds of toys I thought I would just list a few of my favourites but I would strongly recommend looking up more and finding out what works for you!

Vibrators: THESE ARE AMAZING! There are also many types of vibrators including wands, clitoral, rabbit (external vibrator and gspot toy), and long distance vibrators. The best long distance ones come with an app allowing the dom to control exactly what the sub feels and can be so fun to use in public or over phone calls. Vibrators are great for those who struggle to orgasm simply from penetrative sex and need clitoral stimulation and are fabulous edging toys. 

Dildos: These do not mean that you’re not big enough! They can be used for double penetrative sex, and come in so many different varieties, dragon dildo anyone? They’re always a great way to get inventive in the bedroom.

Glass wands: These are smooth and sleek and are a great option for those who can find penetrative sex painful and want to start off easy. The glass can also be cooled making for an interesting time.

Nipple clamps: When you’re ready for a rush of endorphins release the clamps! These can also be so cute and decorative. 

Deprivation:

Deprivation can be both physical and sensory. I’ll go into more detail on sensory in sensation play but think along the lines of blindfolds and handcuffs. 

Physical deprivation is just as fun and intense. A form of this is orgasm denial, bringing your sub to the edge and then pulling away. This can be used as a punishment or a way to achieve a powerful orgasm if you eventually allow one. Another form of punishment comes in being deprived of the dom. My boyfriend now loves tying me up and touching himself until he finishes on my chest, not letting me touch or help or taste him as it drives me mad. 

Sensation Play: 

Sensation play is all about enhancing or restricting our senses, the most common form being touch and sight. Touch could include such things as feathers, impact play, heat play, or the deprivation of touch eg being cuffed to restrict them touching the dom or the dom not touching the sub. Restricting sight with blindfolds  heightens other senses making your body more responsive to touch and sound.  Sight could also include watching porn or each other masturbate together. Taste is always fun, with food play being hugely common in this area, whipped cream is always a fun way to spice things up, even flavoured lube could come in handy here. Restricting sound along with sight creates a new dynamic and often increases the fear and excitement of what will happen. However sound is more common in the use of dirty talk or moaning and swearing. Hearing the doms excitement and need can be hugely attractive. Often doms will enjoy hearing their sub moan, whimper and in some cases scream and cry in pleasure and pain. 

Brat Taming:

A brat purposefully goes against the demands of their dom, teasing and pushing their boundaries and rules to encourage harsher punishments. To tame a brat it is not simply about the punishment but to get them to admit what they did through domination and make them apologise. During punishment a brat may refuse this and antagonise the dom further eliciting a harsher punishment, exactly what the brat is after. A brat will not admit defeat and apologise unless the dom earned it and proved their dominance and control. Personally I need a strong dom or I will grow bored of teasing and how easy to manipulate the dom is and no longer be in a playful or excited mood, instead going to watch tv and cuddle. Brats do not want to be in control but are wanting and giving the dom permission to take more control by acting out. 

Common bratty behaviour includes sarcasm, playfighting, finding loopholes in tasks and rules and attempting to take control. A brat isnt going to sit whilst you try put cuffs on and will want you to give them no other choice. Once the dom has proven that they have the control, the brat will happily obey and call them master. 

So why do brats do this? Well yes it is partially down to enjoying the punishments, pain being pleasure to them. But it is often down to trust, brats have often been let down and made to feel unsafe by others so by proving your control you are proving they can trust you to take care of them and give in to their truly submissive side, seeing you to have earned their respect and submission. 

Being a brat is not always sexual, and brats will often act out even when cuddling with hopes of the dom shutting them down quickly, followed by a soft kiss or ruffle of the hair making their attempt appear almost amusing. This is because the sense of security is needed always and small acts of dominance provide comfort allowing the brat to relax. 

Dirty Talk: 

Dirty talk is hugely important in the bedroom, and can even be used to bring a sub over the edge without the need to touch at all if used well. I found the easiest way to break down dirty talk is into three categories: praise, degradation and manipulation.

Praise: This can range from moans/ swearing that allows your partner to know how good it feels to you, to phrases and sentences praising your partner. “Good girl”, “God that feels good”, “just like that kitten”, “You like that?”, “You’re so hot” etc. These make your partner feel assured that what they are doing is good and can strengthen affections towards each other. 

Degradation: This is more often used in scenes and asserts dominance and control over the sub. It can also reassure them as it lets them know how much you want them and their body - often people who are shy and nervous enjoy this due to it taking away pressure to be perfect. Great examples of this are “Such a desperate slut for daddy”, “look how pathetic you are begging for me princess”, “You’re just my little fucktoy”, “Bitch, stay still.” 

Manipulation: This use of sarcasm and threats works well on brats and subs who enjoy knowing they have no control, and can easily be put in their place. It may seem wrong but again provides comfort and is a huge turn on as fear can be exciting.  I find it helps my worries I’m not enough or he doesnt really want me as the dom is clearly the one who wants it. This is phrases such as “You want to be a good girl for daddy, dont you darling?”, “Don’t make me hurt you princess”, “Awh whats wrong? Can’t you handle it?”, “Bend over and stop being a bitch or I’ll make you wish you’d been good”, “Oh you’re going to regret that Kitten”, “Stay still whilst master uses his pet, we wouldnt want you getting hurt now would we?”, “Shhh little one, daddys just taking what’s his.” 

Aftercare!!!!!!!

Importance:

The importance of aftercare can not be stressed enough. After a scene or sexual activity aftercare is used to calm the sub and bring them down, reassuring them of their safety. 

Without this comfort, kinks such as degradation risk being mentally exhausting or damaging so gentle words and kind acts are used to differentiate between actions in scenes and reality. Depending on the kinks explored and the subs preferences, different aftercare may be required so it’s a good idea to talk about this before engaging in any scenes. 

Ideas:

Soft words: pet names and asking how the sub is doing is always a good form of aftercare. They may struggle forming words or sentences often worn out or still in a state of euphoria but gentle sighs and smiles can be confirmation of how they are. 

Physical reassurance and love: forehead kisses, playing with their hair or holding a dub in a comforting cuddle can provide a much needed feeling of safety and love. A subs body isn’t unlikely to be shaking or weak, their heart still racing and mind in a state of pleasure this is a good way to ground them and bring them slowly back to reality though keep in mind any bruises or sore areas.

Blankets and pillows: soft and comfortable settings are a must! 

Food and drink: sweet, sugary foods such as chocolate, candy or soda are useful to have on hand to provide energy. You may also want to keep a glass of water nearby and any storable favourite foods are also a good idea. 

Plush/toys for cuddles! 

Sometimes scenes can get messy and it might be a good idea to run a shallow bath and gently bathe your sub so they can relax properly after. 

Links to videos and useful information! 

Evie Lupine has a very informative Youtube channel that discusses safe BDSM practises and different kinks. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHExB-d5s0zBcbsaHEUy91Q

Another similar channel that discusses bondage and other kinks along with tutorials is Watts the Safeword https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCokRyLsHxh-NykvT4uA6n2g

Beg for jay has some great videos but I’ve decided to link their one to CNC https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQZcqMazFnI