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doing an apology video with genuine tears sobbing and wailing ripping my hair out and clawing at my face until i draw blood but i simply cannot describe what i did without laughing

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Me waking up after dying because i wished on a dandelion when i was 10 that i would be reborn into the YTP world

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my yummy hurts

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'Irredeemable media' is such a funny concept to me because it's never used for stuff like Birth of a Nation or A Serbian Film. It's always The Owl House or My Hero Academia because these people only watch things for children and can't stand any conflict more complex than Super Mario Brothers.

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Your father use to roleplay as a tape worm for my pleqsure

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its so scary to put yourself out there but a SINGLE message saying "hi i loved what you made it touched me in some way" makes it all worth it 10000%

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guy who is definitely not about to fall into a surprise midday nap with an aftermath worse than a hangover: it seems like a really good idea to lay in bed and get cozy under the blanket as part of my plan not to fall asleep. I do not know why.

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Accidentally zoomed out on my maps app when looking for a restaurant and it gave me results for “lunch” in all of north america lol

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*me talking to a guy with a penis* listen here, penis boy.

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dmv: can i have you birth certificate

me: i dont have it but you can trust! 😁✌️

dmv: ok! 😁✌️here is your license

me: its so small and cute! 😳

dmv: just like you! ☺️

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when i was a kid and i heard the word boysenberry i thought they were saying poisonberry and i was like WHY on earth would you make a pie out of poisonberries

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got so high I got scared and had to get out of the car to calm down and a coyote immediately sprinted out of the underbrush and stalked towards me

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it will be less than a year until james somerton puts up a post on whatever platforms hes still wringing dry like Hey this is his doctor... james just went into a coma while doing community service :( btw when we scanned his brain the section responsible for honesty was very large, almost dangerously so. and his haircut did not look strange, medically speaking

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never ask a woman her age a man his salary your mutual how late it is in her timezone when she starts posting about that bisexual man

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when he's tired, he puts himself to bed