lgbtmedusa

[lgbtmedusa]

i'm so tired of all the bpd viral memes being about girls being insane about men where are my fellow bpd girls that are insane about women instead

[lgbtmedusa]

the thing about situationship break-ups is that because it's something that doesn't really count as a relationship or has any labels it's harder to know when it's actually over

#sighswsss

[lgbtmedusa]

to you its a minor inconvenience to me it’s the trigger to a series of debilitating mood swings followed by a paralyzingly emptiness

[lgbtmedusa]

ADHD is cool until ur having a panic attack in the shower over missing yet another deadline causing you to spiral n have a massive breakdown over the agonizing reality that easy things are hard and you will never be like the neurotypicals no matter how many self help guides you read or how many tips you apply . you just have to keep doing things the NT way and keep failing while not asking for special help or mercy bc society views it as weakness

[lgbtmedusa]

[lgbtmedusa]

No matter how many times my favorite person tells me he loves me I don't believe him. i can't believe him. I'm afraid of dying and not having ever felt truly loved. It's like there's a wall up in my mind that prevents me from thinking anyone could ever possibly love me. Because how do you really know?

you don't.

[lgbtmedusa]

[lgbtmedusa]

does anyone else remember getting overstimulated as a kid to the point where you would start hurting yourself by scratching yourself, hitting yourself, biting yourself, destroying your own things, etc. and your parents would tell you to stop/you're doing that for attention/that hurts me to see you do that

like bitch I don't have emotional regulation and everytime I express my feelings to you I feel punished or am punished

[lgbtmedusa]

One thing (among many) that people need to keep in mind when they say things like "oh if you think you have a mental disorder, consult a professional" is that a lot of professionals will not consider evaluating and/or diagnosing you with something you bring up yourself. Especially the more uncommon/complex the disorder is. For things like MDD or GAD you likely won't have that problem, for things like OCD or ADHD they'll likely be suspicious but still comply somewhat, but for things like personality disorders or DID most professionals will completely brush you off and refuse to evaluate you. Because they think you're attention seeking and diagnosis shopping, and that you couldn't possibly have it, even if you haven't done anything to earn that suspicion.

For disorders like that, unless the professional themselves suspects you have it and comes up with that idea themselves, good luck getting evaluated at all. Especially when it comes to disorders most professionals don't even think they'll encounter, like SzPD or DID.

It'd be nice if we lived in a world where you could go see a psych, say "hey I think I have this", and they'd do a proper and fair evaluation for you the way a physical doctor would (moreso should but that's another can of worms).

It just isn't as simple as "ask a professional".

[lgbtmedusa]

intrusive thoughts are so funny. your brain is like "imagine how fucked up it would be if you pushed that stranger in front of a car lol" and you're like yeah. that would be fucked up. i'm not gonna do that though. and your brain is like "ok. just to make sure i'm gonna make you think of it in graphic detail over and over for the next five minutes just so that you really understand how fucked up it would be." thanks i guess.

[lgbtmedusa]

I think it’s important to remember that executive dysfunction doesn’t just apply to doing chores (work, cleaning, etc). It also makes it difficult to engage with your hobbies.

Some people don’t seem to understand that when I say that I don’t have the motivation to do something that I have said I want to do, it has nothing to do with not being interested enough in said thing. It is just that my brain is not allowing me to do it even though I want to.

[lgbtmedusa]

i deadass be chilling and then suddenly the thoughts happen and then im freaking out and on the verge of suicide and then i’m fine again

[lgbtmedusa]

things about ocd you might not know

- it’s an anxiety disorder. it’s right there along with generalised anxiety (shout out to the ‘you don’t need to have panic attacks to have an anxiety disorder’ club), social anxiety, panic disorder etc. it often comes along with other anxiety disorders and is treated similarly.

- it is not ‘only’ being obsessive about tidiness or hygeine, but at the same time people who struggle with these particular forms of ocd are NOT 'perpetuating a stereotype’ or bAd rEpreSentaTiOn, they are people with a disorder, and they are just as valid as anyone else.

- any which way ocd is not cute. it is not funny. it is not something to joke about. it is uncomfortable and distressing, and it needs to be better understood by the masses.

- intrusive thoughts (the 'obsessive’ part) can be about anything. for example they can be about you or loved ones being harmed, feeling like you want to harm yourself or loved ones even though the thought horrifies you, feeling like you are always being watched/judged/punished or that everyone knows what you are thinking (even though you know logically that this is not true, which is where it differs from actual paranoia), and many more, some a lot more taboo.

-ocd can make you doubt things and compulsively check them, not be able to stop worrying about irrational things that won’t or are very unlikely to happen, or feel like you can cause something bad to happen by just thinking the 'wrong’ thing or doing something entirely unrelated. you can also have intrusive feelings and/or bodily sensations or a mixture of all.

- none of these thoughts or others not mentioned mean that someone who experiences them is a bad person, or would ever act on them. the whole point of intrusive thoughts is that they go directly against a person’s morality. they are deliberately poking at what makes you the most uncomfortable and distressed, and the more reaction they get, the more you (very understandably) try and fight against them and stop them, the louder they become. the very fact that you recoil from the thought and are afraid that you might act on it, going over and over where it is coming from and desperately fighting against it is proof that you never would.

- compulsions are the other part of ocd, the obsessive cleaning or checking for example. however, they don’t have to be physical and obvious, they can also be mental, such as counting, repeating words or phrases, or obsessive praying for example.

- the general idea is that compulsions are done to relieve the anxiety caused by the obsession (intrusive thought part), but this is not always the case. compulsions can happen to relieve nonspecific feelings of discomfort and anxiety unrelated to a specific thought, which in theory dissapate after the compulsion. likewise compulsions don’t always happen when there is an intrusive thought.

- compulsions can also include neutralising thoughts, which are attempts to shut down/counteract/drown out intrusive thoughts. compulsions can also be involve an intense need for symmetry in some way, or repeating certain things or actions the ‘right’ number of times, whether or not you know what that number is.

- ocd can develop in childhood, as well as later in life.

- ocd, adhd, autism and tic disorders have a fun little club going on where they have high rates of comorbidity with each other as well as overlapping symptoms (repetitive actions with that you feel you need to do/cannot control on some level) which makes working out which one(s) you actually have a challenge.

- the general idea from what i’ve read and experienced is that you have the least control over a tic; it is involuntary and it takes a lot of energy to suppress it. compulsions can be controlled more easily, but it feels uncomfortable/anxious/distrressing to do so, and it’s not an enjoyable thing to carry out anyway. a stim is more enjoyable and a way to regulate energy/sensory input or self soothe and it can fairly easily be stopped or continued in a different form most of the time. of course if you have comorbidities something can start off as a stim and then become a compulsion for example 🙃🙃

people with ocd take an average of ten years to seek treatment due to the shame the disorder causes. it can make you think you are an evil, shameful, terrible person, but that is not true in the slightest. resources about ocd are wonderful because they speak about it in a very matter of fact manner, and can help you realise you are not alone or beyond/undeserving of help, not to be really cliched but yeah :’) i recommend ocd uk and this guide for dealing with intrusive thoughts as good places to start 💖💖💖💖

#ocd #ok yeah i've been dealing with intrusive thoughts since forever but #I didn't think it could be bc of straight up ocd #i also do repeat things in my head and have certain rituals but i still didn't think it could be thay #guess i should stop overthinking and get a therapist soon

[lgbtmedusa]

it’s true that OCD is not perfectionism but a lot of OCD traits can appear to be perfectionism and as someone with a lot of compulsions related to the alphabet, numbers, lists, order, symmetry, sets of 4s, etcetera, the “OCD is not perfectionism” mantra has been so watered-down that i feel legitimately scared to mention my OCD around people because i know someone will condescend to me about how i’m “just a perfectionist” when my OCD has genuinely made me more suicidal than any of my various baggage. 

(i’m also critical of “perfectionism” as a cohesive concept, i mean, i know there are people who order their pens by color and laugh about how perfectionist they are, but i wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people who believe themselves to be “just perfectionists” actually do have undiagnosed anxiety or OCD. the idea that perfectionism is ubiquitously benign doesn’t sit right with me)

#today i had something like a panic attack over the idea of the walls in my house not being at a 90 degrees angle #and i things around me being like that or crooked or whatever makes me feel sick #like i get dizzy and start panicking #and i used to get like that when i went out and felt like the streets were not properly aligned #and thought it was agoraphobia which. maybe it was that too but #i already knew I wasn't normal and yet it's always a surprise when i realize I'm weirder than i thought #idk if it's actually ocd but it's something similar for sure #(in my case i mean)

[lgbtmedusa]

i genuinely feel like my emotions are too big for my body. i cannot contain them for too long and everything is too painful.

[lgbtmedusa]

whenever someone hurts or disappoints me every single good memory i've had with them either disappears or gets tainted. everything feels like a lie. no, they never loved me. no, they never cared. they were probably playing with my feelings. or maybe they once cared about me but they don't anymore. they hate me and want me to die. they think i'm hideous and clingy. they want me out of their life forever. so i tell myself Fine i guess that's what i will do then.

[lgbtmedusa]

oh so you don't care about me anymore? watch this *has a bpd/splitting episode that pushes you further away from me and makes you hate me even more*