lifeisnebulous

[lifeisnebulous]

So since I was only really doing this to write to you, I guess I’ll use it now. I wanted to reach out to you and tell you about my day but I felt like that would be very selfish of me. It’s Casey’s day too and from what you have told me he deserves to be be celebrated and valued and I don’t want to take that away from him.

It was a great day until the end of the day. I woke up early and worked out. Haylie made me breakfast and did a pretty decent job at it. We went to church and met up with Paul and Nicole. The service was good. I’m never comfortable in church and always extremely skeptical and walk away more a critic than a supporter but it was still nice to go and meet up with Paul and Nicole and feel like I was being a supportive friend (Nicole is the music director and I just knows what it means for them to see me there).

After that Haylie and I went and had lunch and then went paddle boarding in Newport. It was a lot of fun and relaxing. It was a bit windy which made it tough paddling against the tide on the way back. Overall though I think we just had fun hanging out.

Going to pause the details about today to rewind and tell you about yesterday. Haylie seemed off from the moment I picked her up. I wasn’t sure what was going on and did a lot of planning for worst case scenarios in my head. That was mental torture and I really hate when that happens. I get extremely worked up and then I feel like I become useless. We went to Home Goods and she was browsing on the other side of the store (so I thought), so I called her to come over and help me pick out a blanket. She said she was on the phone with her aunt. When she did come over I could see she had been crying so I asked her what was going on. She ran away and said nothing. When we finished and got back in the car I asked her again. She gave me the “nothing” response at least a few times hoping that I would leave it alone and move on with the rest of the day. I didn’t move the car and just sat there until she finally realized I was not going to relent. It took some time to work into it but eventually she broke down and told about her issues with her now ex-boyfriend. He was cheating on her and she broke down emotionally and opened up about the thoughts and feelings she was having. We talked about it for a little while until she was ready to leave. After that we hugged and I got her some Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream from Rite Aid. I know she didn’t come to me first and I know she was apprehensive about opening up and talking to me about it but I felt honored and special that she decided to. I think these moments mean the most to me because I don’t feel like I had those with my parents. I didn’t have that relationship with them and I feel like I did something right when she opens up and talks to me.

So back to today…

After paddle boarding, we went and got some ice cream from a place called Cauldron Ice Cream which might be my new favorite ice cream place. They have these cones they call puffy cones and they are so freaking good. They make them as you order them so they are still super warm when you get your ice cream. And this is one of those places that nitro freezes your ice cream. Anyways, I highly recommend it!

After that I went to drop Haylie off and she gave me my card for Father’s Day.

Just like yesterday, I felt so honored and good about myself getting this card. I was reflecting on the way home that I never would’ve bought my parents a card like this. I didn’t feel sappy or emotional with them. I was proud of myself that I have been the kind of dad that deserves to even get a card like this. I know I was also a boy growing up and she is a girl and maybe that plays into it a little but I still feel special and maybe like I’m doing an okay job.

And then here is where things spiraled out of control. After I dropped her off and while I was driving back home, I remembered my mom has sent me a text early in the morning to give her a call. I planned on calling her when Haylie and I got to the beach but I totally forgot. When she answered I could immediately tell she was in a mood. I assumed it was because I forgot to call her back earlier. She went on to tell me about her day which was apparently very busy and exhausting. She was being shorter in her responses more than normal and it was clear she was a bit pissy. In my head I told myself, just do your duty and hang in there and it would be over soon. Then she got into talking about Haylie. She loves to tell me how to parent her in a very manipulative and guilt trippy way. Again, I was dismissing 99% of what she was saying and just placating her. She then got into the idea that she thought I should get Haylie into modeling. And she went on at length stating that she didn’t think Haylie was really into the idea of getting clothes from thrift shops and reselling them. She made a comment about how I should support her getting into modeling and that she wished her parents would have when she was a kid. She made a comment about how her parents never supported any of her ideas and how I should try to be supportive of Haylie’s (keep in mind Haylie has never expressed any desire to model and this was more about my mom). It was at this point, after she spent 10 minutes shitting all over the idea I had for Haylie to help her find something was interested in and that would be better than just working at a fast food restaurant, that I started to reach my threshold. I was rather pissed off now. She said something and I responded very coldly. She then quickly spun it around on me. We had talked previously and I told her that I was going to see a therapist. So she took that and said “You told me you were going to see a therapist because you were broken and needed to fix issues from your childhood. You know what your problem is…” I am sure you can use your imagination and guess what happened next. I exploded on her. We got into a lot of back and forth. A lot. She spent a considerable amount of time comparing me to Mark Zuckerberg in the movie Social Network in a scene where girlfriend is trying to talk to him and he isn’t not able to communicate to her. I told her, “so you’re great idea is that on Father’s Day you are going to try and analyze me and provide feedback on how I can be a better person?” It did not end well at all. She didn’t hear shit I said and I know she seems to think I didn’t hear shit she said.

What bothered me the most I think was coming off a high from having a great weekend with Haylie and feeling like I was a decent dad when I am always so critical of everything I have done wrong to ending it with a raging argument with my mom on a day when she could’ve just kept her fucking mouth shut instead of trying to be insane, manipulative, and just inappropriate. It is shit like this that makes it so fucking hard to try and have relationships with my family. They are utterly fucking toxic. I told her at one point she doesn’t even know who I am yet she is full of opinions of me. I told she was present for a small portion of my childhood and in some way that leaves her with the impression that she has any clue who I am today. Aside from that though, she was a horrible fucking parent. I sometimes wonder if I actually could have had a more fucked up childhood. I know there are a lot of things that didn’t happen to me such as sexual abuse or even physical abuse but I think neglect has to be right up there with those two. This woman who literally failed at parenting and who is completely incapable of ever actually taking any accountability for her actions (she genuinely believes my childhood was fine) has the nerve to tell me how to parent my own child. It’s insane! Anyways, it just hurts too. I don’t want to throw a pity party but I just think why couldn’t I have semi normal decent parents. Why couldn’t she just keep her shit together and not spewed her fucking nonsense on me today. I don’t care about my birthday or really any other day. But Father’s Day does mean something to me because I guess I look for some validation on today that I wasn’t as bad as they were. And I did get that so I should be grateful and I should just let the other shit go. Writing about it right now helped with that for sure. It’s just makes me sad too. Like wtf. Anyways, I am going to leave you alone today so hopefully Casey feels special and validated today too. And I doubt you check this anymore so you probably won’t see it but I did want to reach out to you and talk about it and it felt like doing this allowed me to get that cathartic release I needed.

[lifeisnebulous]

5/26/22

I slept like complete shit last night. I really wish I knew a trick to sleep soundly through the night. I don’t really have issues falling asleep but actually sleeping through the night is impossible. I feel like my body would be doing so much better if I was able to get rejuvenating rest. Anyways, I did the project I was sent out here to do for the first half of the day. Then I took the guys out for lunch. We went to a BBQ place and ordered a truly obscene amount of food. I am literally still full from lunch. It was supposed to be a BBQ place that won several awards but it was just okay. After that we were going to do another project in the afternoon but the materials didn’t arrive at the store so I came back to the hotel. I was uncomfortably full so I just hung out in bed waiting for some of the food to digest. After that I went to the gym and tried to do some leg exercises but I just was feeling it. I did a little but not nearly as much as I would normally do. I have been putting on more and more weight since I stopped doing cardio. I really want to get back to doing cardio but my lower back and hip are telling me I’m not ready for that. Pretty soon I am going to have to start cutting portion sizes down dramatically.

After that I came back to the room and got caught up on some work, watched some news, and then just watched TV and played video games. I looked up a breakfast place to eat tomorrow and some sight seeing things I could check out. It is nice traveling and getting to see new things but it’s kind of lame doing it by yourself in my opinion. My flight isn’t until later so I’ll try and do something. I’m thinking I’d at least like to go see the Great Salt Lake.

I’m keep debating about continuing this journal. I’m sure it will be good for me and it will be interesting to look back on and reflect on different times in my life but part of me feels like I just don’t have anything to say. And I ALWAYS feel like the things I want to try and talk about come out wrong on here. I need to find better ways, if I’m going to keep doing this, to capture my thoughts and feelings more accurately.

And part of me feels like I do this for Jamie. I don’t know if she is even reading this. And part of me feels like if I’m doing this for her it is unhealthy. That was not the original reason I started writing this but it feels like it is now. And it’s in my head the whole time I write on here that I’m doing it for her to read. So instead of really journaling it’s more like writing her letters every day. There is a part of me that would be okay with that if that’s what this was about. But there’s another part that’s not. I know she knows all of this already. It’s weird referring to her as “her/she/etc” instead of just saying you. You know that I can’t do this. I can’t write to you every night because it’s not healthy for me. I have to keep you tucked away and separate from my every day life. Of course I think about you constantly but I can’t let them be more than fleeting thoughts. I always find it weird in a way that I have to live a life with you and without you at the same time. You are always going to exist and be a part of me but I have to compartmentalize you.

Anyways, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I may delete this one and start again and make the next one completely anonymous. I hate that I have to run away from you.

[lifeisnebulous]

I keep watching news clips about the shooting at Uvalde. I must have cried a dozen times or more since this happened reading stories or seeing videos. One story that broke my heart was a 10 year old little girl who just got awarded for being on the honor and the killer came in and she started dialing 911. The killer said I’m going to kill you and shot her in the face covering her best friend in her blood. I just watched another news clip where the reporter read a text message one of the coaches sent to her family. It was short and simple and just broke me again. It said, ���someone is shooting people in the school. I love you”. Just a last desperate plea to let their loved ones know they loved them.

Right before I watched that news clip, I thought to myself what goes through the minds of people who claim to be 2nd amendment people when they see this. Do they watch it? Do they read articles? What do they think and feel? Do they get defensive? Do they get scared? I watched a lot of far right news too but it’s so hard to keep watching it. It is so obvious that the media on the right is being paid to focus attention in other areas. What eats me alive is that comment they make over and over of “during this time of mourning”. It makes me sick to my stomach because it is so insincere. They say it in this mocking tone that makes my skin crawl. It sounds like this bullshit line they spew to actually mock liberals and they do it on the backs of an actually appalling moment. “We should be making this political during this time of mourning” 🤢🤮😡. I try to watch because I am hoping to understand. I want to know what is REALLY going through the heads of the “opposition” but it’s nonsense rhetoric that actually doesn’t speak to what people on the right are thinking or feeling. So part of me wishes I could just have a conversation an understand. I called one of the guys who works for me. His wife is a family therapist. My question to him was literally, “what does your wife think of all of this?” His response was, “we are a second amendment family”. Like what? What in the literal fuck? How is that the immediate response? Obviously if I try and step back and understand, this is coming out of fear like by asking that question in some way he became afraid that I was going to take away his guns so he had to be clear and draw his line in the sand so I understood. I feel like that is the biggest issue. Fear.

Anyways, I am just heart broken by all of this. Watching this kills me. The stories I read or the news clips I see are so heart breaking.

[lifeisnebulous]

5/25/22

Successfully made it to Utah! I have been here before to visit Zion and I feel like I have had a dozen layovers at SLC but this is my first time in the city here. It is sooo freaking beautiful. Washington has been my favorite state so far and I feel like it has a different energy that feels right for me but this is definitely a close second. The part of the city I’m in is like the ski town. For the most part everyone has been super nice. The houses are either very old or newer and cute. But the landscape is just surreal.

I feel like pictures and videos never ever do it justice to some of the places I have seen. The mountains are covered in green. The canyon I drove through felt enormous yet also welcoming and quaint. Places like this really uplift my soul. California is great for a lot of reasons but places like this just have a different feel. I was smiling the whole day.

Basically I landed, got some lunch, checked into the hotel, went on a hike, drove up and down the canyon a few times and just pulled over a bunch of times. One of the people I work with lives here and she gave me a bunch of recommendations for places to eat and check out. The people here seem kind of diverse. Not racially much but there is a college vibe, and middle class suburban vibe, a high class vibe all kind of packed together. I saw a bunch of people on the drive through the canyon carrying rock climbing mats. I really wish my body was doing better because I want to get back to doing that really bad. I would love to be good at that. And then get out here and do some rock climbing. I love the energy of people you meet out on the trails. I get along really well with people that enjoy nature and like escaping the city. I wish I would have discovered that sooner when I was younger and my body was in better shape. I definitely this would have been my hobby.

Hiking on the trail was nice but it’s always weird hiking alone to me. It’s creepy and honestly it’s not nearly as fun as doing it with other people. I live alone time but certain things I wish I had company like hiking. I really wish I could get a dog. I would love a hiking buddy.

Anyways, now I need to try and get some sleep because I have an early day tomorrow. Good night.

[lifeisnebulous]

Sitting at the airport waiting for my flight and I realized what this feeling is I get every time I come here. It always feel sad and lonely but there is some feeling that feels older and familiar. It feels very personal and like I’m alone like I’m starting out a journey by myself again. I’m not sure how to describe the feeling exactly. It’s like knowing you’re alone again and you’ve been here before and it feels a lot like who you are in some way. I realized this feeling is embedded in my childhood. Like this is how I started out in this world and I’ve been doing this my whole life. It’s like having a feeling you’ve had for a long time but you only experience it every once in awhile. Like visiting the house you grew up in or seeing a thing from your childhood that takes you back but was also something that defined you.

[lifeisnebulous]

I don’t know that I have anything insightful to share but I do feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings. One of the best quotes I ever heard was “zoom out”. It may seem like a strange quote about the subject of the mass murder of little kids that just took place. But I guess I try and wrap my brain around it. I try to understand why something so insane keeps happening. Why the victims who were completely innocent had their lives taken from them. My brain is consumed with trying to understand why.

The first thoughts and feelings I have are much more zoomed in. I think about Haylie and the world she has to grow up in. It was hard enough for me as a child dealing with the shit I had to but add to that having to grow up in a place where mass shootings are a common occurrence. I wonder how this affects her. I wonder what the thoughts or feelings she has that she doesn’t tell me about. I wonder how this changes her and in what ways. Does she become numb? Does she think this is okay in any way? Does she think this is normal? How does all of this effect her psychologically in the short and long term? And I get angry and I get sad. I watch the videos, I read the articles, I go through the tweets, I read other peoples comments. I try to take it all in. I try to be objective and see both sides of the argument but I get so angry at the lack of logical sense made by the people that want to hold onto their guns. I’m afraid for the safety of my daughter. I’m afraid I can’t be there to protect her all the time and the country we are living in is just getting worse and worse. I want to pack my shit up and drag her to Canada with me. I spin out trying to understand the person who did it, the families mourning their losses, both side of the people fighting about gun control, the culture we live in, etc, etc, etc. And then I zoom out.

So as I zoom out a little I think we live in a country that is becoming defined to the rest of the world by mass shootings. It’s now starting to become our stigma. It’s getting to the place now where if you talk to someone from another country and you tell them you’re from the US their first thought will be “oh you come from that place where everyone kills each other”. I think about all the things people from other countries must think when they hear about these incidents. I think about the other countries both good and bad. The ones where there are even worse atrocities happening or the better ones where this isn’t as commonplace.

So I zoom out even more. I wonder what good humans actually do. I’m not trying to be pessimistic or depressing but what do we contribute to the world? How do we make anything better? Is this a form of natural selection. Are we evolving into a world that will eventually wipe itself out?

So I zoom out even more. In the grand scheme of things what impact do we or our planet have on the rest of the universe? Today wouldn’t even register on the radar. So why are we here? What is the point of all of this? 100 years from now this probably won’t even be talked about on our own planet except maybe by those that were effected by today. So what was the point of it? Do we really mean that little? Is it all that insignificant? If it has significance than why can’t we understand what the purpose was?

It’s hard. When you zoom out far enough it all just feels pointless. It all feels like we are doomed already and none of it will really matter to begin with. I know it sounds horribly depressing but why is that bad? Instead we should just focus on the positive? Focus on the good we can do in this life? Why? If the good deeds and the bad deeds don’t seem to have any impact on anything why bother? And again, I know it sounds depressing but I feel like the response to talking about this is “lie to yourself” or just pretend like reality doesn’t exist. And my brain simply can’t do that. People have commented to me in the past that I must be miserable or never happy. That’s not true but at the same time it is torture to constantly live inside my head trying to understand why all the time. Never having any answers. And even worse living in a world where everyone would just prefer to close their eyes and pretend because that makes it easier to live until they eventually die. Today was horrible. A teenage boy ended the life of 19 kids who weren’t even old enough yet to really have dreams of what they might become. Their futures were taken from them before they even could have picked what they might have been. And what was the point? Why? Why did he do it? Why does it matter? Why doesn’t it matter? Why did God let this happen? Why does this happen at all? Why are we here? It just doesn’t make any fucking sense. And the saddest part to me, the part that actually breaks me, is that for me to be happy or to find peace is to move on. To let it go. To stop asking why. Why does that have to be true? Why must peace of mind be associated with giving up? It seems wrong to me. My prayers tonight are going to feel a bit more empty than normal. How do I pray to a God for guidance that refuses to show us the light?

[lifeisnebulous]

💔

Just senseless.

[lifeisnebulous]

5/23/22

I’m really tired and I just want to read and go to bed. It was a good day. I had my second therapy session today and it went better than the first time. I felt like I talked more but it still feels a bit awkward. Not awkward in the sense that I feel uncomfortable sharing anything but more like I don’t know what she wants to talk about. She keeps saying okay we can work on that and I’m like cool let’s do that…how? And I don’t feel like I get any actual direction. I know a lot of it is my personality type but I feel like I need clear structure. Such as, okay let’s work on that followed by here is how we are going to do that. But it was good still. I talked about my childhood and how certain things made me feel. It definitely is cathartic not just describing the events but also the feelings associated with the events. I really do want to try and remember more childhood memories though. I feel like I have so few and I don’t remember anything very well. I really feel like I want to try hypnotherapy and pull these things out and remember exactly what happened and how it made me feel.

Anyways, I’m tired so I’m going to just say good night.

[lifeisnebulous]

5/22/22

It was definitely one of the weirder days. It started with me meeting Haylie’s first boyfriend. Overall it went fine. I introduced myself to him. Asked him to come outside and told him the most important thing to me is that he keeps her safe. He didn’t seem like a complete shithead or idiot so those were good things. I ended up waiting at the mall for them all day instead of driving home. And obviously things only got weirder.

That whole interaction has been replaying over and over in my mind and the more I think about it the more upset I get. Both with the situation itself and with my actions. I should have stopped it and been very clear what my intent for being there was. I’m upset and disappointed in myself. The other I started thinking about was I know that a lot of these Asian women that work in those places don’t have their green cards or they are here illegally and they get paid shitty wages. From what I’ve heard it’s practically like working in a sweat shop. And I started thinking she may be forced to do stuff like that and then I got pissed at the owner of that place for making the women who work there do that stuff. And my frustration with myself for being  complicit in any way. I didn’t get the happy ending but I didn’t stop my hands and I didn’t stop her when it seemed things were amiss. I’m not really sure what to do about it now. I could be completely wrong in how I perceived it. And that frustrates me too, just not understanding exactly what happened or why it happened.

Anyways, after that I just sat in the car until Haylies date was over. I did some step work in the car because now that I have a sponsee I have to stay ahead of him with the assignments. I dropped Haylie off and she asked me in the car what I thought of him. I am grateful that she did want me to meet him and did want to know what I thought of him. I am grateful that she respects me enough and cares enough that that is the case. It’s still very weird and I don’t like that she’s dating but I know I can’t force her not to and I know it’s normal but I still hate it.

I made dinner when I got home and watched some of the second season of Flight Attendant. I don’t know why I semi enjoy the show but I do. Now I need to read some more of my therapy book before my second session tomorrow and go to bed. Good night.

[lifeisnebulous]

Well I just had the most interesting massage ever. I dropped Haylie off at the Ontario Mills mall and decided to stay out in the area. I looked up movies but there wasn’t anything good to see so I decided to go get a massage because lord knows I needed one. I don’t go to little hole in the wall massage places. I’ve never wanted a massage with a happy ending or anything. I genuinely am always just in pain and want a deep massage. This was a pretty big place with a lot of reviews so I figured I’d give it a shot. I still feel so confused by what happened. She was giving me a normal massage for like the first hour. I will say she wasn’t that great and wasn’t really deeply massaging any of the muscles. I guess that should’ve been my first clue. Then she started massaging my chest and that’s when things started getting a little weird. She came over on the side and sat down next to me and basically put my hand on her chest. Obviously her English was not very good. She asked if I wanted her to help me relax and kind of gestured down. I was confused and said what. So she repeated the question and I was still lost. I told her I didn’t understand what she was asking 🤦‍♂️. She said oh never mind. I’m guessing that is the code for a happy ending? Anyways, she kept continuing on with the massage but the next part was the thighs and I was facing up. She kept creeping higher than any other massage I’ve gotten. And then she came back and sat on the side of me and put my hand on her chest again. Then it got really weird. She was asking weird questions like what I did for a living and didn’t seem to understand any of my responses because her English was so bad. Then she kept telling me she was going to get me Miranda’s phone number. I tried asking her who Miranda was and the conversation was so confusing. She was telling me to call Miranda but that she (the girl massaging me) had a day off. I was so fucking lost and the whole time she playing with my nipples while she had me touch her. She would say, “okay, time is up” and I would say okay, thank you but she wouldn’t get up and she just sat there playing with my nipples lmao. Wtf?? Eventually she stood up and I said thank you again. When I was done getting dressed and went out I had to go to the bathroom but she was in the hallway. She told me she would have the front desk give me Miranda’s phone number but that she was no good for me. Seriously, it was as confusing as it probably sounds reading this. I was like okay thank you. I gave her her tip, used the bathroom and left as fast as I could.

Looking back here is what I think happened. This was one of those kind of massage places. She instigated the “happy ending” interaction by putting my hand on her chest. That was her overt sales way of getting customers to ask for more I’m guessing. When she asked if I wanted her to help me relax she was obviously referring to a happy ending. I have no idea what would have happened if I said yes but that’s truly not what I went there for. When she came back up and was playing with my nipples, I think that was her sales tactic again trying to get me to ask for more. Unfortunately for her, I am complete moron and had no idea what was happening and even if I did I wasn’t interested. Then I think she thought I would be more interested in this Miranda girl so she was trying to pimp her to me. She made comments like she was no good for me and not to love her because I think she felt like I was a puppy not knowing what to do. When we were in there and we were both touching I thought maybe she doesn’t want me doing this and I apologized but she just kept going. Anyways, that was definitely by far one of the weirdest massages let alone experiences I have ever had. And I really am an idiot sometimes. At least in the moment.

[lifeisnebulous]

5/21/22

It was a good day overall. I woke up a little later than normal today. I think my body needed some extra recovery time. After I got cleaned up, I went over and met with Paul to read the Big Book. This is literally one of the first times I have worked the steps with someone else. And for those who aren’t in recovery, that is very, very odd to have as much time as I do and not have sponsored several people by now. It’s mainly because I keep to myself a lot and don’t go up and introduce myself to newcomers as much as I should. It felt odd. It was interesting listening to someone tell me their thoughts on what we read and looking to me in some way for direction or feedback. It has always been the other way around. It definitely made me feel like I had to pay more attention to what we were reading. It was good for me but just odd. I am glad I’m doing it. I don’t really feel like an expert or that I have anything to offer him but I am going to just keep being present and doing the best I can.

After that I went and picked up Haylie. We went to the gym together and I walked her through different exercises. It was fun doing that with her. Before bed we both did the stretching routine I have been doing everyday too. We didn’t do much else today. We just hung out and watched TV. Tomorrow she is asking me to drop her off and Dave and Busters to hang out with her boyfriend. I hate the idea of this and I don’t like her being alone with some boy. This will be the first time I’ll meet him in person. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I think in all honesty, I’m nervous. I do want to be firm and clear with him and yeah there is a part of me that wants to intimidate him so he knows there are consequences to his actions if he does anything I don’t approve of. But part of me also doesn’t want to embarrass Haylie and make her never want to introduce me to someone else. It’s such a weird stage of parenting where you want your kids to still want to talk to you or be apart of their lives and now you feel like the one seeking their attention instead of the other way around. I wish she wasn’t grown up. I see dads with their little daughters and I wish I could just reverse time and go back to that. It all seemed so much easier then. You tell parents with young kids to enjoy it but they just don’t get it.

Anyways, off to read and sleep. Good night.

[lifeisnebulous]

5/20/22

I’m alive! It was a pretty short hike and not a lot of elevation gain. It turned out to be a perfect hike to test my body. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I can definitely feel it in my lower back right now. I really can’t figure out if this stretching exercises I have been doing are helping or not. I feel more flexible but it doesn’t seem like it’s done anything to help with the pain. I am almost curious if it’s making it worse. I’ll keep it up for now, I can’t imagine it’s actually bad for me.

The hike was a lot of fun. I thought about why I enjoy hiking with them so much and I’m not sure I really have one answer. Part of it is just being out in nature. It definitely feeds my soul and I can feel it. Like it helps center me and bring me back down from everything else that spins around in my head. There was this one spot on the trail where rain was lightly falling on the leaves and I asked them to stop for a minute on the way up and the way back down in that spot just so I could listen. I thought to myself that I just wanted to stay there. It filled me with peace and contentment. Another reason I enjoy hiking with them so much is the are the same kind of hikers as me. Justina and Christina are VERY different personalities. Justina would pick the hardest trails and try to beat her best time. Christina is a much more mellow hiker and doesn’t want to do anything crazy. I kind of sit in the middle. I love a tough hike but I don’t want to rush. And the three of us kind of blend together very well on the trails. All three of us are like little kids and we stop a million times to take pictures or look at something interesting. Another reason I enjoy hiking with them so much is our conversations. They range from talking about very surface level stuff to much deeper conversations. We all joke with each other a lot the whole time and we just like to be silly and have fun. I was telling them about this book I’m reading and how we have this inner child that we are afraid to show the rest of the world and I like that I don’t feel judged by them and I can let a little of that child out around them. And I saved this last reason for last because it’s not the most important but there is a physical element to our hikes. It’s nothing dirty but they are both touchy people. They both work as massage therapists so I guess that comes with their jobs. But it was nice to just be touched by a woman in an affectionate way. And I think that is one of the other reasons I like hiking with them a lot too. Again, it’s not sexual but just loving and affectionate hugs or holding arms but it feels nice like they care. I like our little traditions with the hikes too. We always meet at Justina’s house and every time we see each other we all smile and you can just sense how happy we are to see each other again. I like that we always start early in the morning. We always pack snacks and eat at the peak. I always make the comment that a breakfast burrito sounds amazing. We always go and get something to eat after the hike. It’s just a lot of fun and makes me very happy.

After the hike, I went and worked out. The gym was a complete zoo today. I truly hate teenage boys. They are the dumbest and most self absorbed demographic that exists. And there is so much ego and bravado it’s beyond retarded. There really isn’t enough mental and emotional investment poured into adolescent boys. Look at the news and it is obvious that they are the most dysfunctional demographic. I took it very slow and easy in the gym.

After that I went and returned the rental car and then just relaxed and watched TV. I started watching Flight Attendant and the first season was odd but also good.

Overall, it was a good day and I felt happy and fulfilled today. I felt less alone and that feels nice. And I feel like I accomplished a lot today which also felt good. Now I’m off to read and sleep. Good night.

[lifeisnebulous]

5/19/22

I’m back home. It definitely is nice to travel and especially for work since everything is paid for and I eat nice meals and stay in nice places but it’s also tough. Loneliness is amplified when you’re traveling alone. One of the things I was hoping to accomplish with this recent journey self discovery and of working on myself was trying to find peace and happiness with myself and enjoying my own company. I think it might be easy for someone to say that’s easy but try being alone all the time and then traveling alone. It’s a lot and it really weighs me down and makes it hard to enjoy anything when all you want is to experience some of these things with someone else. I made those observations the other night of social interactions by other people. And I’m not really looking for that but it would be nice to at least have a partner. It’s nice to be home because at least those feeling aren’t as strong.

The drive back was a nightmare. There was an issue with the car and I had to stop and exchange the car with another one. Note to self, don’t ever buy a Nissan Sentra. That car was absolutely terrible. The projects that I had to do out there were a cake walk. The planned for 5-6 hours and we finished the second one today in about an hour and a half. I fly out to Utah next week just to do one of these. It seems like a gross waste of money. I wish there was someone I could take with me to Utah.

Anyways, I got back home and took a shower because I had been sweating all day. I ate a cinnamon roll which was so nice but every time I eat anything unhealthy I feel guilty. I started watching Flight Attendant which is semi interesting.

I feel like I’m saying a lot of the same things in these posts. I like the idea of telling stories and trying to improve my writing skills by being more descriptive and drawing the reader in by sharing things that happened throughout the day in a dramatic and compelling way. Part of me is thinking of changing this up and doing just that. I also like the idea of writing down my own thoughts and I think it’s cathartic to do so but every time I do I also feel like that always come out sounding the same and don’t really express the thoughts and feelings I’m having accurately so instead of being cathartic, it ends up just being frustrating.

I do like the idea of getting away from doing this as a “daily journal” and instead just posting throughout the day. I guess we will see what happens.

I talked to my sponsee Paul tonight and he was asking for the first assignment and when we could meet to review it. This guy is going to make my ass work fast to stay ahead of him. That’s probably a good thing but at the same time fuck.

I have a hike with the girls tomorrow morning. I’m praying my body works and doesn’t break while I’m out there. My lower back feels so weird. It just feels like egg shells back there. It feels super sensitive and I’m terrified of really messing it up. I have been doing those stretches every morning and every night but I don’t feel like they have helped with my back or shoulder issues. I have noticed my flexibility is slightly increasing but it doesn’t feel like it’s helped with my actual back.

I’m off to read and sleep now. Good night.

[lifeisnebulous]

Driving through the outskirts of Vegas for work today. It’s sad how when you get just away from the strip the crazy poverty that exists. I saw a black male probably in his early fourties who was obviously dressed for work since he was wearing a dress shirt, pants and a vest on a bike with his two kids in the back. All the streets are filled with trash and everyone who is walking around looks homeless or in the grips of severe poverty.

[lifeisnebulous]

So when I got back to the hotel today I went and worked out and then went and laid out at the pool and read my book Healing the Child Within. I think one of the issues I have with these kind of books is that they just don’t capture my attention like fantasy novels do. As a result, my mind wanders and then I find myself having to go back and reread what I just read and this happens over and over and I get annoyed.

So far it talks about what having a unhealthy non-nurturing childhood does to the Child Within. How we develop a mask and all of the behaviors we develop to cope. How some one who lets their Child Within be free is more free, energetic, feels and shows feelings more, etc. I do relate and understand what the book is saying but I guess there is a part of me that is just skeptical about books like this and their practical application. I know no one is perfect but I feel like if I met someone who read this book and applied the principles to the best of their ability, I would still observe them and find them not a pillar of human society. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to growth but I read this and think what is the point? I don’t think people find any degree of more happiness as a result of these efforts. It’s like I imagine them plugging one hole in the damn up and then just moving from hole to hole not really making any progress. I am really trying not to be pessimistic about it and I really do try to convince myself to be open minded but my brain just tears it all apart.

Btw, I walked back by the bar and it looks like the old wealthy guy they were waiting for showed up. All three of them were turned to face him and engaging him in conversation. Hopefully I’m wrong regarding my assumptions but if not it really just makes me shake my head at how vapid and sad humans are.

[lifeisnebulous]

Random thought continued:

I could sit here all night and just people watch. This is all so fascinating to me. I have had probably a dozen more interesting observations since even the first one. I do enjoy watching people and making assumptions about them. Maybe it sounds judgmental but to me I am not assigning a right or wrong to it. It’s more just about imagining the backstory or simply just finding the behaviors interesting. Many of them I can’t relate to so maybe that is what is so interesting about it. It’s like living vicariously through them. Honestly I don’t know why I find it so interesting but I do.

So a couple of blonde women probably in their late thirties dressed like they were planning on going to a show after drinks and who had definitely had augmentations done sat at the bar next to the middle eastern guy. They had an air about them that said I couldn’t afford them. Meaning they just looked like they were expecting only weather men to approach them. I’m not sure how to even describe that look. Their outfits were a little too put together and they looked mature. Lol that’s a terrible description. Anyways, the middle eastern guy was playing it cool. He was turned slightly away from them. However, another white male in his mid to late fourties’ sat down a couple chairs to the right of them. I couldn’t hear exactly what had happened but one of the women ordered a drink and was particular about it. That was the in he was waiting for. Like I think he would have found an opportunity he could to make his move and start a conversation. He was looking for a chance with them and when it presented itself he dove in head first. This guy looked like he shopped at TJ Max and was not secretly holding onto a fortune. He looked like every other guy at a bar that you would imagine who sits there and tries to strike up a conversation with any woman who will talk to him. As you can imagine, this quickly evolved into the two women ignoring him. Of course there was the cordial responses but there was the slight turning away and using less and less words when responding. He did not seem to take the hint and kept looking for more opportunities such as laughing loudly at something the women said to each other. Eventually another friend of theirs showed up and sat in the empty chair between them. But she had her back to him immediately and he was cut off. They went on to take selfies of each other and continue to order drinks. I think they are still at the bar now well over an hour later. Maybe they aren’t going to a show and instead are waiting for a couple single wealthy men to come down to the bar and take them out. What I thought was interesting was just the man’s attempt. It was obviously not his first time and he definitely did not seem to be deterred by the rejection. I thought to myself there is absolutely no one I could do that. I would be imagining what happened happening before it even happened and would give up before even trying. For him though, this was just another Wednesday night. For me, that would’ve been a once in a lifetime experience.

[lifeisnebulous]

Random thought time:

I feel so disconnected from the world I guess. I was sitting at dinner watching people. I just don’t relate. Here are some of the things I observed.

There was a skinny middle eastern guy in probably his mid twenties dressed in a jersey and jeans sitting at the bar by himself. I noticed that he sat in the middle. It seemed like an intentional choice because he wanted to socialize with the other patrons. There was a white guy in his late thirties to early fourties wearing jean shorts and a black wife beater who sat at the end of the bar on his left. He struck up a conversation with him about how big his muscles were. He asked him how to I get big like that. They continued to talk for 5-10 minutes about diets and workout routines. What I noticed was the need to socialize. They sat at the bar to have a drink but more so so they could have some interaction and connect with another person. It was intentional because they both could have sat there and not interacted but they went out of their way to. I don’t ever really have the “desire” to drink or do drugs again but I do observe situations like this and think it would definitely help. I was way more social when I was high. But what went through my head is part of me does crave human interaction instead of sitting at the table by myself having dinner, however, the thought of being a part that interaction gives me anxiety. It seems pointless in my head. I do realize the reason for it but my head just tells me what a waste of time talking about nonsense. The idea of superficial conversations makes me exhausted and annoyed at just the thought of it. But here I sit in the lobby by myself feeling disconnected from the world and craving connection to something.

The next observation was even more interesting…