lifesver

[lifesver]

listening to all the super oldies on fallout radio is just like awawa... think his mama had some of this sappy 50's-60s playing in his house growing up. so anyway he finds those kinds of old love songs very comforting i think

#wheeere oh where could my baaaaby beee

[lifesver]

me writing leland replies and half the time he's rly just one of these emotions

[lifesver]

hey kels what have you been doing this week? me checking my notes: painstakingly making leland in f76 and making him both a house and a vault room

#me and the boys... on that grind #the grind in question: scavenging for furniture plans in the wasteland and getting little outfits for our guys #my lore reasons here are just that leland found an abandoned part of an old vault and was like omg just like home (': #like a safety blanket to live there. but then he slowly got more used to the wasteland and wanted to be on the surface w his friends more #so they maybe fix up old houses together the best they can... u know... found fam in the wasteland neighbourhood

[lifesver]

im so sorry the video game has possessed me in such a way but i will get to some prompts tmrw and also send some memes out ... if y'all wish

[lifesver]

#grabbing this with my gay little hands #oh to slowdance in the apocalypse

[lifesver]

leland's fallout verse sparknotes idk we are just minecrafting for funnies. pls forgive if i get fallout lore wrong i know an approximate amount of things only,

born in vault 41 (idk i just guesstimated based on other listed vault locations) in texas, vibes are space travel environment experimentation on the citizens (idk, NASA in houston etc). they were all unaware that their vault was isolated and submerged underwater to simulate certain conditions in space re: advanced life support systems. they were probably also fucking around with microgravity and pressurization stuff in general, but mostly the vault was full of normies and was a chill vault.

mom was mb the overseer, well-liked etc. but definitely didn't tell leland much of anything. probably his older sister was also on the council type deal.

probably something ruptured and either fucked up the pressure and/or it flooded for some reason. and it was like 'now what do you mean we were all underwater this whole time'. like everyone went down into the vault from on-land so they thought it was just like every other vault.

leland i think in the chaos of it gets hurt/hits his head pretty hard, so he only has the vague memory of someone pushing him into some kind of pod type thing that shot him up to the surface. he wakes up on the beach near it and connie stumbles on him like oh ur alive huh. i was just looting ur shit. he's just in shambles but he wants to know so bad if anyone else made it. what happened and why.

he's like 'what do you mean my vault was underwater this entire time. was no one going to tell me--' and also just learning that there's just no way to get back down there safely unless he finds a way through the connecting vault tunnels from another nearby vault. he's just on the surface w absolutely nothing to his name but his silly vault suit and no way of knowing if his family or friends from the vault made it.

he's just wandering around accidentally acting like a protagonist by default bc everyone else's tired and jaded in the wasteland and he's shiny and dumb and willing to help just about whoever asks. just because it's like, yeah man that's how we do things in the vault???? some of u guys could be a little nicer tbh???? just trusting lots of the wrong people and learning the hard way that shit is very different on the surface, average naive/privileged vaultie moment etc. but he means well and endears himself to a lot of those rough around the edges people. but also you know how it is in the wasteland sometimes being endearing does not solve the situation and u have to kill a man, fundamentally changing you as a person forever,

he's more capable than he comes off but also he doesn't like guns and is bad with them. and also he cannot sneak to save his life. he'd rather knock someone out than kill anyone and ik bro was trying to talk to feral ghouls like hey (: you okay? if there's a trap, he's stepping in it. if someone is even fake nice to him? he'll probably fall for it. if he sees a radroach? near tears-

kind of realizing there was no big reason he was sent up or anything, besides like, love, of his mother. kind of unravelling the truth behind the vaults and how that shit doesn't even matter anymore. coming across devastation after devastation in other vaults. not knowing what his purpose is supposed to be without his newfound companions. the future being uncertain but just wanting to stay with them instead of wanting to go back to the safety of a vault. like hey lets just... live out here where no one will bother us and pretend like we have something simple and normal.

#may or may not be more nefarious secret going on besides 'we didn't tell u this thing could rupture and flood lol' #me thinking about how space does stuff like fucks up ur bones and that could be sort of fucked up to experiment with- #i was possessed by the idea of an underwater vault. yes i enjoy bioshock how did u know #this is all whatever it could change but i'm having fun pondering it

[lifesver]

embarrassing for everyone who’s out here all hardened by the struggles of the wasteland to get endeared to vault boy do-gooder leland huh… guy who has to get humbled by the knowledge that lots of families were not privileged enough to get access to a vault and everyone on the surface is going through it. and they might understandably hate him and what he stands for in his stupid blue vault tec suit. it is simply always his deal to have to prove himself trustworthy and worth keeping around… by doing shit for others all over the place and never asking for anything in return. getting his ass kicked up and down the wasteland for it.

#can’t wait for him to get yelled at for dying/almost dying for people he doesn’t even know bc he’s trying to Do The Right Thing

[lifesver]

&. 𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

(  an  assortment  of  dialogue  prompts  for  various  apocalypse  /  end  of  the  world  scenarios.  feel  free  to  change  as  you  seem  fit.  )

❛ stay alive. for me. ❜

❛ you won’t survive long out there. i can protect you. ❜

❛ how many bullets do you got left? ❜

❛ i’m gonna make sure this place is secure. ❜

❛ will things ever go back to the way they were? ❜

❛ i know the odds aren’t good, but we’ve got to try. ❜

❛ you should be dead by now. ❜

❛ this isn’t the world you remember. ❜

❛ it’s all gone. it’s really all gone. ❜

❛ shit. why did you hide this? ❜

❛ stay down. don’t let them see you. ❜

❛ you are making it very difficult to keep you alive. ❜

❛ how is it you’re not scared? ❜

❛ when i give the signal, we run. ❜

❛ holy shit, we hit the jackpot! look at all this stuff! ❜

❛ i’d say we make a pretty good team. ❜

❛ if you don’t fight, you die. ❜

❛ remind me to not get on your bad side. ❜

❛ been there. seen that. got the scars to prove it. ❜

❛ unfortunately, we can’t kiss in the rain. it’s acid. ❜

❛ just keep moving. don’t look back. ❜

❛ i’m scared of ending up alone. ❜

❛ still alive, are you? ❜

❛ i’m beyond saving at this point. ❜

❛ an animal that’s tasted human flesh isn’t safe. ❜

❛ there’s nothing you can do to save them. ❜

❛ do you have any idea how many people we lost today?! ❜

❛ thought you’d be lighter without all that blood. ❜

❛ just a few more stitches and you’ll be as good as new. ❜

❛ my job is to watch your back. ❜

❛ don’t enter the city, it belongs to the dead now. ❜

❛ it must be important, otherwise you wouldn’t have gone back for it. ❜

❛ there’s something about that robot that doesn’t seem right to me. ❜

❛ you still remember how to kill, right? ❜

❛ there should be an opening through the fence. watch your head. ❜

❛ our luck will run out sooner or later. ❜

❛ everything looks so beautiful from up here. ❜

❛ can’t say i’m surprised to find you in a dump like this. ❜

❛ we can sneak past them, even though i know that’s not your style. ❜

❛ i can’t imagine losing someone like that. i’m sorry. ❜

❛ if you were smart, you’d turn back now. ❜

❛ shut up. are you trying to get us killed? ❜

❛ breathe. we’re safe now. ❜

❛ you’re better off without me. i’ll only slow you down. ❜

❛ i brought dinner. it’s not much, but it’s edible. ❜

❛ for what it’s worth, i’ll do what i can to help you not get killed. ❜

❛ you’re gonna be real happy you didn’t kill me. ❜

❛ if it was the other way around, would you have come back for me? ❜

❛ why don’t we just stay here? live out the rest of our lives? ❜

❛ you really shouldn’t be out here by yourself. ❜

❛ rest. i’ll take the first watch. ❜

❛ i’ve got a weapon for every situation. hunting, profession, cold blooded murder, hot blooded murder… ❜

#some fallout au stuff... haha jk... unless #prompts tbt

[lifesver]

sorry this is a text post spam but anyway. leland dancing w/ his s/o to some silly beach boys. silly serenading them w god only knows… dance in the kitchen w him to wouldn’t it be nice when they literally are older and happier and past the traumas of their past….. yeah man

#dark me: wouldn’t it be nice if we were older (verses where some or all of his friends don’t get any older (: )

[lifesver]

The Beach Boys – Wouldn’t It Be Nice

#as you may know i have to rb beach boys every so often #but this time it's bc i was just thinking about me and rae hard jamming to this in f76 while carsyn was attacked by creatures

[lifesver]

sorry but if not dog-coded why have fruity little necklace u could easily tug him in by

[lifesver]

sorry for playing f76 for 7 hours straight it could happen again. anyway here's vault boy leland again he's having just a really tough day. he got shot at earlier.

#raes running around w me as connie #im trying to play leland as a good boy but then i had to kill someone it was a whole thing

[lifesver]

♢      —         𝐀 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 ‘𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒’ 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐁𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒

inspired by those “five times our muses do something” memes. there used to be one years ago like this one and i can’t seem to ever find it again so i just made my own.  receiver = muse receiving the meme / sender = muse sending the meme

general trigger warnings for: nsfw, angst, violence, death, 

[ FIVE KISSES ]  send for five times our muses almost kissed and the one time they do.

[ FIVE TOUCHES ]  send for five times our muses almost touch and the one time they do.

[ FIVE GLANCES ]  send for five times the receiver watched the sender and the one time the receiver does something about it. 

[ FIVE DEATHS ]  send for five times our muses almost died together and the one time the sender does.

[ FIVE CUDDLES ]  send for five times our muses nearly cuddle and the one time they finally do.

[ FIVE CALLS ]  send for five times the receiver nearly calls the sender and the one time they do.

[ FIVE SCARS ]  send for the five times the sender almost asks the receiver about their scars the the one time they do.

[ FIVE SMILES ]  send for five times one muse makes the other smile and the one time they share a smile.

[ FIVE FIRSTS ]  send for five times our muses almost had their first time together and the one time it happens.

[ FIVE CONFESSIONS ]  send for five times the receiver almost says ‘i love you’ and the one time they do.

[ FIVE VISTS ]  send for the five times our muses try to plan a trip and the one time they succeed. 

[ FIVE TEXTS ]  send for five unsent texts from the receiver and one sent text. 

[ FIVE NUDES ]  send for five times the receiver almost sent a nude and the one time they do.

[ FIVE GIFTS ]  send for five times the receiver tried to give a gift to the sender and the one time they do.

[ FIVE PLEAS ]  send for five times the receiver wanted to ask the sender to stay and the one time they do.

[ FIVE BRUSHES ]  send for the for the five times our muses almost hold hands and the one time they do. 

[ FIVE FIGHTS ]  send for the five times our muses almost get into a fight and the one time they do.

#i think this one's neat... some of them are goofy tho and some of them i might idk take liberties w #prompts tbt

[lifesver]

alright hold on here are The Thoughts

i think growing up it was very like... leland trying to fit himself into a box, or an image that people had for him. which started with his dad and literally just trying to get the 'i'm proud of u' one singular time. dad was tough on him, only son, 70s, a little more sensitive than most boys his age etc. truly the root cause of why he can so easily get caught in cycles of people-pleasing, and is so easy to manipulate, and so easy to knock down a peg. bc he already has those preconceptions of himself, and when those things get confirmed, he just goes oh. yeah i guess so. you peaked in highschool? sure did man. you're not good enough for your friends? true!

leland who pushed himself into a golden boy status in his tiny little town. who made that his entire Thing for a while. he pushed himself in athletics and he pushed himself in academics so he could make it into that ivy school. and then getting to university where just about everything ripped a stripe off him. a lot of it was good humbling (from his friends), that made him loosen up and stop trying to exist in that box. but it was also just a wake up call of like, not being the best, and in fact being mostly average. which there's 0 things wrong with but when you have the ex golden boy complex it's so over for the mental.

i think about how after he had to drop out of school it was like. extra tough. going back to your small town after you were supposed to make something of yourself in college. seeing the people you knew from highschool, some of them having never left, some of them looking at you with judgement like haha how did you mess that up golden boy omg??? having to be there while his friends finished up their schooling, and then moved away. nothing like coming back to your childhood room after you've outgrown it and remembering being just a little younger than you are now, and all the things you thought you would be and get to do. spending basically a year rotting at home with zero motivation and just a completely gutting fear of being out in public until it's like. well i can't just do this huh.

and then having to go work for/with his dad so he doesn't put too much of a burden on his mother who's helping april with her kids now. just contractor work stuff and having to listen to his dad yap about whatever all day. having that oppressive influence on his shoulders again cutting down any personal growth he had made toward things like... self expression in the realms of his appearance or sexuality or identity and even just embracing silly interests or whatever. it all just went back in the box, bc he knew he wasn't going to be able to get out from under his dad's roof until he could save enough money to pay off school (lol rip the scholarship) and then move out. and generally just being like oh thats cool. i'm going to never leave this town. just like him (: cool cool cool!!

and he doesn't!!! he doesn't leave for twenty years. he gets a house and a dog and lives his quiet life. losing contact with most of the friend group after everything sort of cemented something in him that said hey don't bother letting anyone know you like that again, they'll leave you and it'll be your own fault. you don't want to trap anyone with you, you don't want to get your heart broken over and over, either. he never gets married, just has some messy short relationships, messy one night stands with people he can't bring himself to call back. he's the kind of person that's still like... warm and friendly for the most part, so people think they're his friend, that they know him, when he doesn't rly talk about anything real about himself anymore. i love 2 laugh

#me into the megaphone: daddy issues behaviour #in case u were wondering why leland is giving scruffy stray dog by the time chapter 2 rolls around. its bc he's Going Thru It #im kicking the dirt actually i think the meanest thing im doing to him here is making him withdraw into something he's Not #until he forces himself to stay that shape. just fade into the background of this town and deteriorate along with it #leland mckinney the man you could have been. victim squad the well adjusted adults you could have been... #wrt val's julie and ana tho like leland does have better trajectories where he stays in contact and by extension w danny... #uncle leland to jules and dans kiddos is so special to me tbh it pulls him out of a lot of his self destructive behaviour i think. #sorry this is so many thoughts that i have said before but in one place

[lifesver]

i think leland could in part be summed up with "fatherless behaviour"

#daddy issues behaviour #the root of all 'i'll never be good enough for anyone ever' related crises

[lifesver]

sometimes i am like... do i write leland as too much of a babygirl and a softie? compared to fandom interpretation? but then i remember he has hardly any real lore ,

#sometimes i remember i have developed him like an oc and have to keep my takes to myself #me like: i disagree but im minding my business

[lifesver]

his body felt tired, and heavy. skin stretched too-thin over his bones, stapled and sewn to keep him in one piece, it seemed like. he knows soon enough, the nurses will be in to shoo him back to his own room — urging him to sleep, rest. as if he could. right now, he can’t imagine anywhere — or anyone, in this building — that could make him feel more safe. more like maybe he hadn't just come close to dying, in some god-awful basement. in a hospital — or a sea of unfamiliar people bustling in and out, poking and prodding and asking difficult questions, connie is his anchor. she always is, though. he just wishes he could give her someone steadier to lean on, too.

a pang of guilt, cheek coming to nestle against her palm. his weak twitch of a smile kind of hurts — but so does everything. ❝ you should call anyway, ❞ suggestion is soft, turning to nose into her palm. press a kiss there meant to reassure. but he takes her dismissal in stride; connie didn’t talk about her family, much. he got the feeling they weren't as close as his was. leland drops his gaze, clearing his throat; ❝ — um, yeah. she’s... driving down, today, i think. my sisters, too. sorry by the way — you might get inundated with some, like, well-meaning smothering. ❞ they could all probably use a little of that, honestly.

❝ shit, ❞ leland blinks, breathes an unsteady laugh. sound rattles, and stings. ❝ i… didn’t really know what to say. i didn’t... know how to explain it. like, anything? you know? ❞ worry settles in the twinge between his brows; ❝ i didn’t want to freak them out too bad. mom was already... totally losing it. ❞ how were they supposed to tell the truth, anyway, when the truth sounded like some kind of bad dream? when even the police taking his statement had barely taken him seriously. instead, they’d asked about a million times if he was sure he hadn't been on anything. as if drugs, or imagination could explain the state of them, christ.

staring past her, out into the hospital hallway, he feels hazy. his jaw tenses against a familiar welling feeling that wants to build all over again. ❝ i — i’m sorry, ❞ leland offers, numbly, quietly. after a long moment. sorry, i was almost careless, stupid, reckless. he knows he might not have made it, that day, if not for his friends. for connie. he can still hear her screaming his name, at the end of the road. all watercolour fire against the backdrop of a darkening sky.

and suddenly, the thought of putting his death on her, after — leland feels something in his chest wanting to seize. because he can still feel maria’s weight on his back. the blood and the dirt and the sweat making the sliced-up fabric of his shirt stick to him. the beating down of the setting sun on that empty, unpaved road. how he had barely heard her speak, at first, over his trudging, uneven footsteps.

thank you, for everything, she had whispered. weak, so soft. it made everyone stop, and turn and look. the tall sunflower fields on either side of the road were swaying, listening.

i love — i love you all.

the softest smile, he could hear in her voice. could remember the moment he'd felt her go so still. struggling steps halting, as he'd panicked, nudging her forehead with a voice he could barely pull from his bruised throat;

maria, hey — hey, stay with me —

had that walk down the old backroad been hours, or days? it was like a cruel joke; that there was no one, nothing, for miles. no one but the fields listened, or cared that their friend had faded away in the dusk. no one had cared to find her before those monsters hurt her. they were too late. he was too late. his skull is still pulsing, from crying himself hoarse.

please, god. please don’t go. please —

god didn’t care. if god was anything like they said he was in sunday mass, he wouldn’t let things like this happen. after everything they'd fucking been through. absently, he wonders if connie had ever believed in any of that — god, or heaven. and if she still did. maybe maria had. so there should be a heaven. for her. and a hell, for those monsters in that horrible house.

there on the side of the road, he remembers how the broken fragments of them had gathered around her motionless body. how careful he had been to move her hair when he laid her down. how clear all the horrible things those people did to her were, even in the fading light. purple and red and black and red and god — his ears were ringing so badly, he could hardly hear ana's angry sobs. her grief blistering. at god, at the sky, at everyone and everything. numb, off-balance, leland had dropped back slightly. he had let the people that knew maria. really knew her, have that moment. he waited there, blinking back bitter tears. on the other side of the glass. he felt helpless.

they couldn't even have that. they couldn't have their anger, or their pain — they had to just — keep fucking going. too many of them were too hurt, to stop. no one wanted to say that. no one wanted to talk, after that. and silently, leland had gathered maria up in his arms. so careful, still, her head resting against his chest. and he had carried her the rest of the way.

leland sucks in a sharp breath, his thoughts threatening to spiral out for the enth time. they're all shaken up, bad. he doesn't need connie to take on his grief, or his guilt.

he peers up at connie, trying to pull his voice back up from the reeds again. his hand comes up to carefully lace fingers with hers, and it grounds him for the moment. ❝ have you um… heard anything, about dan? they wouldn’t... tell me much. ❞ he knew danny's injuries were bad. he knew he’d been rushed into surgery straight away — lucky to be alive, someone had said. meanwhile, some cold, dim voice in leland's mind whispered: is he? are you? lucky? dan didn’t even know about maria, yet. too badly hurt, too out of it, as they tried to flag down help. leland swallows, but it doesn't stop the achey prickling behind his eyes. he chokes on a sound.

❝ and i — he — he doesn't know, con... god — he doesn't know... about maria. someone's gonna have to tell him. ❞

@lifesver  asked : i wish my mom were here. / i just think like. post-house kids in the hospital just sad and hurt and wanting to go home

’ i know, sweetie. ’ her voice is soft, strained ― and her throat feels raw from screaming, from crying. the past few days still feel like a fever dream, despite the too-real pain and blood loss, soothed by a cocktail of medication. they were all fucked up. some of them, worse than others. last she heard, julie was pacing the surgical ward, waiting for any news on danny. ana was down at the morgue. gently, she cards her fingers through leland's hair, a moment of reprieve through all the noise. connie is surprised that the nurses haven't come by to chastise them yet, to tell them they should be resting.

there's hardly enough room for the both of them in her hospital bed, but they've somehow made it work, with his arms around her middle and his head eased against her chest. it hurts a little, honestly ― with the dulled pain making her side hurt, but she doesn't seem to mind. he could use the comfort. maybe she could, too, and she hopes he finds it in her steady heartbeat.

there's a gnawing feeling in the pit of connie's stomach, wondering if her parents would care about what happened to her, her friends; they weren't so inclined to keeping up with her life away from home, and she isn't sure how to explain it all without sounding deluded and crazy. her jaw sets, and she quietly offers: ’ i wish my mama were here, too. ’ he might have caught the shift in her tone, with the way that he lifts his head up to look at her, and the subtle movement makes her wince. ’ i... don't know if she'll come down from illinois. ’ she quietly admits.

there's a flicker of guilt in his eyes for a moment, like he's sorry that he brought it up. but her sad smile dismisses him, and she gently cusps leland's face in her hand, thumb brushing his cheek ― with care not to poke too hard at any of his still-healing cuts and bruises. ’ have you had a chance to call your mom yet? ’ connie asks, to shift the attention away from herself. ’ she'll be glad to know you're okay. ’

a pause; ’ i am, too. ’ she can still see him at the end of the dirt road, more of him covered in red than not. unstable, concussed. rattled with grief and anger and everything else between. she remembers being so afraid that she might lose him, too. ’ you really scared me. ’

#yeah i would make this a novel huh #bro... man... im gonna lay down in the street #( ☆ ) ⸻ THE FILM WHICH YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE... / ic. #fcused #death cw