liminalnafaza

[liminalnafaza]

life seems so dull, and pointless. my demons are my biggest obstacles. i cant get over myself, and im sabotaging my own life experience

i just wonder how much longer i can bear to exist, if it means to live without passion and happiness. i feel like i watch the world go by, without relating or understanding it. the want to do anything is so little. i do the bare minimum, to survive. what i dislike the most is the awareness of my own potential and power, and the fear which keeps me away from myself. im held back by an ocean of anxieties, and i feel like by the time i learn how to swim and gain strenght to cross the waters, i will be old and weak, and it wont matter no more

i wonder how long it will take...im getting impatient, im getting bored, im getting tired of pretending that i want to live- when all i do is just pretend, sometimes to the point where i cant tell it apart from being authentic

i dont know who i am and noone can tell me but me. god seems far away, and unwilling to help me- at least directly.

i reread old messages where i felt passion and love. i get even more confused about my path. my shadow made me lose people i love, and made me lose the love inside of myself in the first place. now i feel like i cant even access it, i cant get excited about anything, everything seems lived-through enough times already. is there anything left to impress me?

my body is getting weak, both from my mental and physical illnesses.

it seems like i always lived for others, and i found the motivation through them. especially through romantic partners. they were a motivation for me to live. now i see that im the only one who can save myself, as the infatuation phase wont last forever, and as living for others is no option neither. i dont think that i could have been kept alive through that relationship forever, right? its still haunting me, and i feel so alone in all of it. i try to carefully construct my life into pieces, like a puzzle, and i feel like its too vast for me to keep it together- yet if it falls to the ground, it needs to be assembled anew again. i feel like this is what awaits me, a tabula rasa, and i am here: bed ridden, weak, depressed, with no will or idea who i am and who i want to be. im molded of guilt for hurting others, for the mistakes i did, for the fact that i cannot stand up for myself, for all the fear that i live with, all the anxiety. and i am to reconstruct an entire puzzle? i am tired, and yet i am pushed to act as if im not. i feel like im living such a normal life, but theres little to identify with. at least its making me look like a put together person, to some degree. if it were up to me, id be doing nothing all day long- as im doing now. shadow and spiritual work also seems too demanding, and i fear that i cannot grow if i dont continue it.

i wonder if ill ever feel found and okay, if ill ever feel like this life of mine makes sense, and if ill find at least one thing to do which i actually want to do.

[liminalnafaza]

ljudi mogu da budu ugodna distrakcija; ako ih ja napravim njime

nesigurna sam u pravopis i gramatiku vlastitog jezika, dok sjedim na s bahn liniji 85

berlin je opet hladan i siv, i dan je opet protekao u zoni špilje i depresije- pitam se koliko sam takvih dana imala u ovom gradu

pitam se ko sam sve mogla da budem, da nisam sve te dane provela u ovom gradu.

ali- uskoro ga napuštam, i primjetim tendenciju straha od boljeg kojeg gajim u sebi. napustiti komfort zonu je uvijek teško, bila ona zdrava ili nezdrava. to je nešto što je prisutno barem u mom sistemu

dani su mi ispunjeni većinom umorom, a kada nisu, osjetim dah Života i želju za vitalnošću, želju da budem ja ja, i uzbuđenje oko životne promjene.

nakon pet i pol godina, useljavam se u novo mjestu, među novim brdovima i naglascima njemačkog jezika.

[liminalnafaza]

28/2/24

it feels like i'm living outside of time

[liminalnafaza]

i will try to write, in the hope that something poetic, or creative, or intelligent, or reading-worthy, or honest, or spontaneous, will come out.

i have forgotten how to write, and i realise that i miss academia. straying away from that imaginary world, makes me feel in lack. i know it is an illusion; for what i am facing now is life, as it is. ...........

how do i feel? i cannot wait to start having the life i want. i have big dreams....and i see lukas by my side. soon i will marry him, and that seems unbelievable. soon we will live together, and it will feel like we've never been apart. or, that's how i imagine it.

the moments when we are vulnerable are those i cherish the most. even though it's scary, facing........feeling. swallowing. processing and talking. it is incredibly beautiful.

[liminalnafaza]

it is the 15th of january, i have my natural face-shape back in order, and i'm sitting on my 140x200 cm bed in east Berlin.

as i was looking at Moby's meditation corner in his LA house, while reading an online interview, i got excited by the thought that soon i'll have a similar corner; one which has light, and where the trees peek into the room through the window. that thought made me instantly calm, for a second.

the past month was filled with love for lukas, a strong pull, a growing bond which is emerging inside of me. his smell kept changing in my nostrils, each day it became sweeter. one night gifted us many realizations, that i thank a very nicely prepared THC cacao. it opened a new portal for us: one which isn't polluted by our pasts, preconceptions of who we are, for ourselves and to each other.

i saw him anew, vividly and sharply- so much, that i felt nervous to talk and move. the excitement grew within me, and i felt the butterflies. lukas seemed like a new man, someone i barely know, someone i feel highly attracted to.

i wish to be refreshed every day, and even though i know that such a thing isn't possible at all times- even at most times, this experience gave me so much inspiration and want. there is a strong want to work on being in the present moment, to cleanse myself from all the filters that have integrated themselves in me over time, and to love with no boundaries.

i won't allow the past to influence my present, and i want to be aware of my rights: of my lucks and blessings. i have a love so precious, one which is hard to grasp. perhaps i keep putting it in categories, seeing it through filters and lenses, subconsciously, because i cannot grasp the immensity of it. i feel like if i did, i'd just be in awe at all times, like a kid who sees the ocean for the first time.

he said that perhaps it's easier like this; and that he is doing this because it makes it easier. however, i don't want things to be easy, i want them to be lively, exciting, jaw-dropping, wild, intimidating. there's so much vitality within us, and i don't want to be a force of anti-life.

in theory, there's so much to process, but in practice, i don't know how to even start doing so. to be honest, i feel out of touch with my spiritual side, practices, growth-work. on the other hand, i don't feel quite comfortable in the physical world either: a video i watched recently made me aware of the meaning of the discomfort i feel in my chest. it means fear. i feel insecure and fearful in the physical world, questioning my every move, decision, purchase, doings, thoughts. i make my life so complicated and stressful for no apparent reason.

it is mid January, and i will be marrying in a month. i cannot believe that it will happen so soon, and the amount of emotions i will feel. that will mark the beginning of a new journey, a new era: even though it already started. then, it will become tangible. then, we know, that we move on together.

i miss lukas so badly. his chest brings me so much safety....comfort. warmth. love. i feel like a small puppy, held by the loveliest human existing. i am so in love.

i will be praying for a window which looks at trees for my future room in freiburg. dear universe, please give me light, trees, safety, nature, the Sun, inspiration, energy, health, creativity, love, cool people.

[liminalnafaza]

činjenica da je prošlo...2,3, možda i 4 mjeseca otkako nisam slušala "nemoj vraćati vrijeme" od erogenih zona dovoljno govori o mom mentalnom stanju i povezanosti sa samom sobom i svojom okolinom.

želim da budem bolje. da se osjećam živom i vitalnom, fluidnom i lakom. da mi je um bistar i prozračan, a tijelo vijugavo i jako.

trenutno sam kao sataraš bez okusa.

osjećam ogromni dlan iznad glave, koji me pritišće ka dnu zemlje. uskoro ću osjetiti žar iz centra zemaljske kugle.

treće oko me boli, i osjećam pritisak oko njega. realnost se čini dalekom i nepojmljivom. tijelo mi je umorno i napeto. poželim da zaplačem- a iz mene izlaze samo mali jecaji. kao mačiji.

uvijek sam sebi govorila, dok imam sebe, aka svoju svjesnost-i um, ne trebam da se brinem. počinjem da se brinem. ne znam šta ovaj period treba da me nauči. nisam se nikada osjećala ovako long-term loše i demotivisano i slabo. jedva preživljavam- i to radim loše.

moram sebe tjerati na pisanje i meditaciju. iako mi se ništa od toga ne radi. i ovo trenutno radim od pola snage. volju imam, ali kao da nisam u stanju da izvršim sve te misli i aktivnosti i želje.

želim da ležim na mekanoj travi, u sredini prirode, kraj rijeke une, da je toplo, i da se osjećam sigurno.

želim da progledam.

[liminalnafaza]

not even writing keeps me sane. i lost the will and motivation for any form of expression. for any form. for any. for anything.

im waiting for the tram, seated, my butt is wet. i feel lonely, emo, and uninspired. what has become of me?

moments like these i want to appreciate. it makes me think of my past self and what a lucky human i was. i still am one. yet in a different mindset. i don't wish to go back. yet i could make use of some company.

i miss being funny. laughing honestly. finding the motivation to make jokes, tease stuff, be intellectually funny, be intellectual, goofy, silly. nothing really sparks me, and i'm hoping that moving to a new city with the person i love will bring life back to me. or, awaken it inside of me.

i have lots of fear, but my want to change is bigger than the fear. i have to do it. in some weeks, i am marrying and moving to a different city. i never imagined marrying, yet this seems to be the most logical option for me now. it will enable me to change and grow and actually take some action for my life.

i feel lost....like a leaf...carried around, by different seasons, different forces.

the tram is coming in three minutes. im headed for a sound bath. idk if thats actually going to help me feel better. but theres nothing else to do. there is. i just cant. im way too depressed

[liminalnafaza]

♥️♥️

[liminalnafaza]

maybe if i start writing, i'll be able to connect with myself. recently i've been experiencing emotions which were kept away from me for years long. as i'm writing this, i smelled refik's smell for a split-second again. it happens to me from time to time. it's completely okay for me, and i accept the course of things. their timeline, their way of unfolding. i accept where i am and i am fine with it. i'm just trying to understand why- why in this particular way, and how should i handle this situation?

i've been having dreams where it's clear that i "killed" the existence of him for myself to not hurt. somehow, i was distanced from my feelings and my awareness about him and my love for him- about us. my subconscious is only now opening up to these feelings. my love for him and our union was always there, it was just buried- against my will. whenever my system senses harm, it protects me by making me believe that whatever might harm me is not real- that it doesn't exist. ever since there was a doubt about our relationship, my mind believed this person to be a phantom. it just occurred like that.

and now, almost 4 years later, i'm able to realize that this "phantom" is a real human being whom i love, and to comprehend the immensity of that fact. the vastness, the beauty, the preciousness. how precious that is. our love and all that happened between us.

i can't say that i gave up on us, for that wasn't my heart. it was my ego which didn't know better. sometimes i'm afraid of parts of myself i cannot control.

why this happened along my path, i'm not sure of. our love was there to show me what love can look and feel like. unconditional, pure, beautiful love. i'll always cherish it and i do feel like a chosen, lucky person- to have experienced it. and to also have such a love right now.

it's just this confusion of what to do with all of these emotions? looking back into the past is important- as long as it's guiding us on how to act in the present and future. and i think i learned immensely from that experience. perhaps it's time to part with that love, finally, after 4 years. to look back at it, allow myself to digest, grieve, feel the heartbreak of parting with the one i love- which i didn't get to do, at least, not properly. i will make my heart understand....

i feel like clarity and honesty are coming my way. i seek to be healthy and to do good for myself and to myself. i want to live and feel motivated. i want to take care of my body and my mind. i want to be honest and open to myself and to those around me.

[liminalnafaza]

oh my god...i am so sad ...... today i smelled his smell. its so intense and specific and it makes me feel love and cry. oh goooodddd this life is such a rollercoaster!!!! when i think i have it all under control, my past emotions and loves come up and i feel confused..... im so so so so confused and sad

[liminalnafaza]

in a parallel story, you're a thin and fragile samurai with enigmatic strength. you fight with consistency, a harmonious temper, and fine words.

i fall in love with you and i don't know why. my love for you grows ever stronger and i find myself sleepwalking down the mountain valley- the dream i dream is a fairytale to me. i'm becoming a samurai. i will fight with you- although gracefully. for the sake of its art.

.......

i'm confused by life day by day. i'm amazed by life day by day. its a constant journey of getting to know all that i can be and all the different ways i can feel. i seek to be open to it all.

when i'm present, it's like a rollercoaster ride. i feel the rush of adrenaline: gosh, i can focus! and what a genius i am when i am focused! oh, if i were always either medicated, drugged, or experiencing a spiritual awakening on a loop- humanity would move forward in an incalculable degree. this might be my ego talking.

but, really, i get so excited when i'm actually focused. i experience life and i'm not even ready for it- it's a crazy amount of energy it takes me to process. because i'm soaking in all the tiny details within and around me.

i am happy. every day is so full of wonders actually. i just came back from a small incredible gig at schokoladen. a duo called anararan from prague. they sent me off to a journey into the forest in my head. i understood some of the words he sang: and my mind was trying to piece the story together. although unsuccessfully, i felt a stream of resonance. recently i've been appreciating my culture and origins, my language, the humor, the people and all of their peculiarities.

[liminalnafaza]

if i ever were to see you again, i'd tell you that life is beautiful and that i can see that now.

when i see you again, i'll tell you that life is beautiful and that i can see that now.

[liminalnafaza]

just write anything. im just writing anything.....im spitting it out. i need time for myself. to do nothing. to cry. weep. feel. oh i feel so overwhelmed. i feel so far away from that which i need to feel secure. to feel life & love.

it's time to move on. leave this city and its people...................... i have to live! live on! im on a loop .

[liminalnafaza]

simetrija

[liminalnafaza]

iluzija sabranosti se nastavlja...

ovih dana su mi snovi intenzivni, seksualni, i čudni. sinoć sam sanjala kako sam otvorila film koji je poslan od Belle (sa fakulteta, iz Amerike) Lukasu, jer smo nas dvoje u otvorenoj vezi. ili sam ja to tako doživjela u tom momentu.

ona mu je napravila film koji se zvao nešto poput summertime....ne znam. kadrovi prirode u žućkastim bojama. to je brzo prešlo u porno-slične scene od njih dvoje. kampovali su i imali dosta sexa. ona je to sve snimala i boljelo je to gledati. više sam bila šokirana nego u bolu. činilo se pogrešno, i govorila sam u sebi da smo on i ja par.

probudila sam se sa čudnim osjećajem, izgubljena, umorna. slično kao i jučer, kada me je san sa Refikom iznenadio.

ne znam šta se tačno dešava u mojoj podsvjesti, možda je ovo waking call da budem prisutna i da se ne desi ono što se desilo u vezi sa Refikom, gdje sam se udaljila od nas i mojih osjećaja za njega. nema potrebe da bježim, sve postoji u jednom momentu.

[liminalnafaza]

it's good to feel a sense of security, but you should never feel tied- i tell myself as i'm re-tying my newly thrifted oversized converse shoes. oversized shirts and jackets are more desirable than normal sized ones, but that's not the case for shoes as i'm realizing. i feel like i'm failing to be an adult these days

i dreamt of refik and i having sex. i looked at him with love and he looked back at me with love. he didn't enjoy it though. there was a third person there and we were shifting positions. later i was texting him and trying to reach him. it wasn't successful. i woke up with the sense of longing and pain. i longed for a long-lost past. in that reality, the two months we spent together are playing on a loop. rain, kisses, singing, exhibitions, watching the office, more kisses, fleamarkets, photography, urban exploring.

what is happening? life is not a joke, and i have to realise that. and it's also not a dream in my head. these characters are real and i am real in this physical world. so what do i want from it?

[liminalnafaza]

it's not my task to reopen your gated heart. and i have to realize that; once and for all.

---

i have to forgive myself for leaving refik. my 20 year old self didn't know better at the time, i simply wasn't mature enough to comprehend the divinity of love and relationships. the fact that i left him is unspeakably sad. i simply have no words for it. there's nothing more i can say or do about it. seeing him happy makes me happy, and that's all that matters.

anything can happen in this life. and sometimes you're left behind, and other times you leave. i didn't leave, physically, i gave up. i gave up on the wait and not knowing. i missed him so much that it hurt me. the distance killed our love, and the youth and lust for experiences. i do understand myself and it's okay.

now i have a new love and i won't give up upon it. i want to try my best to keep it alive and nurtured.

---

my body is tired and in need of rest. i need to regain strenght and eat well and healthy. yoga has to be practiced every day. i need to get a proper bike and bike to work every day.