llb0323-blog
Lina- Yours Truly😘
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50 min incline treadmill walking 2.5-4.0 speed/5.0-20 incline. Moved speed and/incline every 5 mins. Then shoulders and biceps💪💪💪💪. (at Crunch - Tampa Palms)
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My Problem with This: Since losing my daughter I’ve joined many online support groups which have helped tremendously. One theme that rings true, especially for those of grieving parents is that they cling so tightly to the grief. They bathe in it. They wear grief as a badge of honor. They eat that ish for breakfast. For some I guess it’s helpful but for me to heal I just had to stop blanketing myself every single moment of the day. It was killing me slowly. It was/is all consuming. I’ll be real, I’m just existing now; trying to stay afloat. I’m trying my hardest to not fuck up my relationships at home, work and in life. I’m trying not to eat my sorrows away because that just won’t work. The hole that this grief has created can’t be filled by mere vices. Like I’ve said before, I’m just here trying to be a productively positive as human possible. I’m not “trying” to be strong, not at all, I just understand how life works in seasons and in cycles. I also understand that God ultimately never wastes a tear or pain. Something productive will come from this and my raindow will soon come. That’s how life works. So I get why they hold on to the grieve. Not all parents have this understanding or are willing to accept it. They hold on to the grief because that’s the only thing they can control. There’s actual some form of comfort in blanketing yourself in constant grieve. The human brain, heart and soul is not conditioned for a loss of a child by the parents. There’s nothing in life that can prepare you for something such as this. So I understand why they constantly live in the state of grieve because it’s the only thing you have left for your child. You cannot hold them, yell at them, feed them, smell, laugh, see their first steps and etc. All that’s just doesn’t exist and that’s too much for many to even being to process. So the grieve is the only way some feel that they can show their love for their lost child and I get that. But for me I can’t do it anymore. Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date. I dreaded the coming of this day. What should have been the greatest day of my life is just another day and that fact is soul numbing. I took the day off work and was planning to cry all day but instead of that we’re planning to celebrate life. We’re planning to have a fun filled day because I think our Alexys would love that. So for me/us our love message to our baby will be to live for her. Yes I’ll allow grieve to roll in but not live and take root into my spirit. Our daughter would want us to live so that’s what we plan to do.
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Happy Saturday IG peeps. You have to be your motivation and greatest encourager. LOVE YOU.
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I needed to read this today, yesterday, or more like when I lefted my parents house at 18. Life is/can be hard, and sometimes you get tired of fighting. Shit y'all I know I'm tired and it takes A LOT for me to reach this point. So I am being easy with myself. I'm praying and meditating daily, I'm making sure I'm around the right people with positive energy, and being honest with myself. I'm trusting that God and my angels will carry me through this time. I call this time of grieving "floating." I'm just floating and trying to be as protective as possible. I know this period will come to an end and I'll be onto another phase. Just never lose faith or hope.
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Ok real talk time: I've seen this meme countless times and I see how women get so offended by this and the question. Many women are offended by the fact that they would have to be with their partner when he wants but my question is why wouldn't you want to be? Yes why exactly aren't you in the mood? Do women ever think about that part. What most of us women need to really understand is that men need sex like we need roses, hugs and romance. Men need that like they need food and sports. It's ok to not be in the mood sometimes but if this becomes the norm, you need to understand that he may go elsewhere to get those needs fufilled. (I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying don't be surprised). Also to me, not being in the mood constantly is a sign of some dysfunction either health wise (thyroid issues making you too tired, or being uncomfortable in your body due to excess weight), emotional wise (passed infidelity or insecurities in the relationship), mentally (passed sexual abuse). Many women need to sit back and understand that being with your partner isn't a chore and when it becomes that, you need to sit back and evaluate why. Here's another PSA for weight training for women: lifting weights not only helps you burn fat for a longer duration of time but also helps with libido due to increased testosterone levels. Lifting weights along with a healthy diet will not only improve your physique but also help your sex drive. Ok lecture done.
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I am thankful for my new life. Thankful to have a loving partner. Thankful for my family and special friends. Thankful for his family. Thankful for having my dog. I'm grateful for having a career in which I can support myself and save for the future. I am thankful for my heart. I'm grateful for my tears and pain that will soon turn to a great testimony. What are you thankful for?
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On today's menu: I'll be working overtime tonight so I packed an emergency meal just in case. Lol * Low Carb Pizza and Kale Salad mix * Grilled chicken breast with sweet potato waffle fries *Grilled Chicken with Kale Salad mix.
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Pain Love
Have you ever felt pain so deep that you just can't breath? You rush to find distractions to the heartache; Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, SnapChat, TV, books, music, meditation, work, sex, drugs, alcohol, God (in no specific order) and no none of those things completely diminishes this heart ache. It's the kind of internal pain where you can feel the actual weight on your chest and it's so hard to breathe. Just the simple task of breathing battles with the struggle of not revealing the tears from your soul which only in turn materializes to the surface. You are walking, talking, laughing in life with an emptiness that is slowly but surely consuming your very inner existence but yet you smile. Spontaneous tears flow with no regard. You wipe them away and they return. You wipe them away and they return. Yet imagine a love so deep where the pain is welcomed. You welcome the pain because it validates the true love that you felt and will continue to feel. A love so profound that the "what if's" brings a smile to your heart. Imagine the impact of a collusion of love which kills you but also resurrects a new being, a new you. A love so shattering that it obliterates concrete walls built from the years of abuse and leaves you naked and free. Imagine a love so intense that even when gone its remnants intensifies your inner light and leads you to shine for others to see and follow. Even when gone, this loves impression is etched into every avenue of your life and that love rewrites your story; not of one of just pain and loss but of healing and renewing. Is it pain and love, pain for love or pain to love? The pain of this love was not built for human consumption. It was meant for the soul to feel. It was meant for your new inner being to rise. The depth of this pain from this love opens you to a deeper understanding of empathy, compassion and the power of the soul. Wisdom, perception and discernment are welcomed and life affirming gifts you receive. The light that is left from this love shines bright as the sun above. This type of love can only be coupled with this pain when lost. This love and pain are one. The love of a mother who loses her child carries this love along with this pain and she wears them both gladly. Yes she wears them both gladly.
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