logisticalandrewthinks-blog - Tumblr blog

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 2 years

Text

Value

I don’t really understand why its like this. I feel like i try so hard to like, put in effort for people, i dont ever like reject helping people even if i have nothing to gain from it, i dont think i really go out of my way to fuck with people either, but it just feels as of recent that it doesnt really mean much. I feel like i just am either not valued or like, idk, nobody cares. Everyones got their own issues i guess. World does not revolve around me would be my rationale. It just feels really shit i guess, maybe im like narcissistic or something, its definitely possible, theres people who feel like the world should adhere to their needs and their wants. or like a feeling of entitlement to those needs and wants. Idk if id go as far to say that everything needs to revolve around anything i do, i just.. thought i mattered more than i actually do i guess, and now being faced with the reality of it, that im really not important in the grand scheme of things in anybody's life, really like feels shit. like i am pretty sure i could delete my social media and communication services tomorrow and idk, maybe like one or two people would notice.

I think theres probably only like two or three friends that i could count on i think, maybe? like the only two that come to mind now are like kass and conor. I think these two people would go out of their way to like help me if i asked, its not that others wouldnt but like, it feels genuine from these two at least? idk. i like just, really hate it, i hate it i hate that i think this way, cause my perception of reality i think is severely warped and i cant see it the other ways genuinely, i can rationalise oh hey your other friends do care about you and just are giving you space and all this and that. But even if i can rationalise the feeling and like, intellectualise it, I can’t truly feel the feeling myself, I can’t actually believe it myself. It hurts so much these days, I’ve spent the last few weeks in bed just extremely sad and like occasionally coming online to see if maybe things have changed, but life doesnt revolve around me so why would things just change if i come online. I really hate the way I think. If i was just different, things would be different. If i wasn’t boring, if i wasn’t so fucking weird in the head, so mentally weird.

It just feels like hopeless i guess, and i dont know what ill do, i want to self harm again, but i am supposed to be going on a trip with some of these people online, in like two weeks, and one of those activities that im supposed to do is be on a beach with them, and hiding like self harm scars, when im there and probably wanna go swim or do something else, sounds like hard. I want to wait til after, but then whats the point of the relief that i get from self harm if i am not using it to relieve myself of this pain before the trip. A big reason why I’d want to self harm is because i want to relieve the pain before the trip so my like mental state doesn’t affect the trip too much. I don’t even know if I should go, like I should and it’ll probably be fine, but a part of me is like, just whispering that nobody wants you there, that you’ll bring the general mood of the trip down, you’ll be fucking useless and just a drag. The logical part of me knows that I can act fine for the trip so it’ll be fine probably externally, as in I can’t see it actually making other people think I am currently going through it, but its that whispering that im afraid will make me isolate myself in my room when i go. its that whispering that makes me want to self harm. its that whispering that makes me want to make it go away.

it feels like i cant tell anyone about any of my issues as well, i think i just sound like a fucking spoilt child who hasnt gotten his way so is just being an attention whore by telling anyone, cause in reality that is what it is, i just want attention i guess its reducible to. i wish that the attention was somewhat on me in a way, and i wish that it felt like i was cared for int he ways that i want. But thats unreasonable since i havent made it clear to anyone the ways id like to be cared for or treated. I dont understand, i dont undersstand i dont undertsadn myself asldfkmnalsdfnk.

it just feels like the times where i am mentally ok enough to be in there, i dont know if the person thats there is the real me, i dont know if anybody knows that person Andrew Lee, like it feels like sometimes im watching myself just be someone im not and it feels really fucking garbage, maybe thats what i get. Its not that ive never been genuine, its just sometimes i do things that i wouldn’t do for other groups, i am extremely different to my irl groups, like its not even close. its one of the reasons i keep my like friendships separate, because it feels like the fake two people from two worlds colliding would cause me too much distress. this sort of thing is just hard to say to people though, how would someone react to being told that the person they were talking to, had aspects of them that were fake. I dont think they’d react positively at all, and that is just how it is idk.

youtube

cool song that feels relatable at this current moment in time, maybe ill get a tattoo of it or something, hollowness by minami

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 2 years

Text

23, i want to die

so today is march 11th 2022. on this day 23 years ago i was born. idk, i dont understand why i am the way i am right now. i want to just pass away, holy shit im actually tearing up typing lmao. like literally nothing is wrong and yet everything is wrong.

i think ive lost everyone, like i dont know like i cant think of a single person i could ever tell my troubles to anymore, i dont feel like theres a safe space that exists. like the thing is, its like sure i could say to someone, oh i have no safe space, and they would obviously say, well this is a safe space. but thats like the expected response, they cant exactly tell you to fuck off after you’ve basically just emotionally blackmailed them into saynig it, idk, like every person i just wish i was more desrired/loved, not like in an actual romantic or sexual sense, but just i wish people would actually like me for me. instead it feels as though everyone is just conveniently trying to pretend that they enjoy my company my garbage boring personality and just try and get along with me since im already there. but like all of this is like i could never tell anyone any of this because, well, whoever id tell would probably be under that umbrella group. i wonder if i could just go outside find a random person and just tell them everything, just tell them how hated by life i feel like, and how much i wish there was an off switch, or a reset or something, just not this. but i am afraid ofc of death, most people fear death, it takes great courage to take your own life and im a coward, ive never done anything in my life that could be seen as brave or good or anything, idk i just want to cry everything away, i just want to scream i just want to be free of all of this. why is it so hard. when it isnt. why is it so painful when it shouldnt be, why do i want to die, when i also want nothing more thant o live more than anyone else. doesnt even make sense what im typing does it?, i feel like im going to be one of those people who develop a neurological disorder like schizo or dementia or something and itll be like these ramblings except ill actually say them out loud.

Lately i just dont feel like at all loved, by anyone or anything, i just cant seem to find the ability to like be at all optimistic. like in my life i never had many friends right, but i was fine with that but i had like closer friends who i really appreciated. but now i feel like everyones just a stranger, i feel as though nobody actually wants me there to exist in the same spaces i dont know why, theres literally nothing anyone that anybody could say to like convince me out of it as well, even if theres literally no evidence for why i feel the way i do, i dont even know, am i even being truthful, perhaps im lying to myself right now. i just sometimes look at friends hanging out and think, i cant bother these people, i cant do anything, i cant say anything, these people wouldnt want me to ruin the atmosphere with my presence, i am just so sick of myself, why am i the way i am. im not funny really, if i am its just shock edgy humor that gets old, im not particularly pleasant to look at, id even go as far as to say bordering just above ugly, like i dont think im literally the ugliest thing but i know that out of 10 im like a fuckin 4 or something, like i wear clothes to cover myself because i dont like the way i look most of the time. im not smart, be it academically or socially. i have no motivation to do anything in life, i have no reasons for people wanting to hang out with me, i dont know why someone would want to talk to me unless they dont have a better choice/they literally have nothing else.

im slightly scared im going to harm myself again, but also slightly excited? its an interesting dichotomy. i wish this feeling that im doing everything for attention would go away too, cause i think its true, on some level im lying to myself i think that oh i dont want attention, but idk if literally everyone changed and suddenly life got brighter with everyone actually wanting my presence than i. no yea its definitely attention, im attention starved or attention insecure? but i could never say anything, internalising these emotions is the only like right thing to do, externalising them onto other people and even worse projecting my worst views of people onto others is toxic and just garbage, i wNAT TOAT OASDIDE I WANT TO DIE I WNT TO DIE POEKASE LET IT END FUCJK THIS SHIT EXISTENCE I HATE I HATE I HATE I HTAE H0 ATE I HTAE I HATE H THAET I HATE HIANHTEHTHATHETHAEHHATEHAHAETHAEHTHATEHAETHTHNIGSAPINJSNPIJFSNIVF-OINFSA-OINAGSOIJ-GSAÓÍSGVBFWCGDCRGS DARCSGFDebfEQGX LKfdeq rxngr2

NOBODY LOVES YOU, NOBODY LIKES YOU NOBODY WANTS TO TOLERATE YOUR EXISTENCE WHY DO YOU EXIST, YOU EXIST LITERALLY FOR 0 YOU RETARDED FUCK KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS SKYYSK YSYS KYSKYSKYSKKYKYSKYKSKYSKYSKYSKKYSKYSKSYKSYKSKYSKYSKKYKSYKSYKSYKSYKJ PNAFSDÓVKBFGSAM GR

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 2 years

Text

only took 2 days, but at least its minor this time

so like i thought i would i self harmed again idk its just really nice to just i guess unleash painand have control on some part of my life, like i can control this, i can control how much it hurts, i can control if im going to do it. i cant control the aftereffects or anything i guess, but idk it feels really good

i just hate everyone i hate everything, i hate all my friends even tho i know its a lie that i hate them, i hate that i know that everything is working rationally in the world and i am going insane with each passing day, i hate that i cant do anything it feels like, i hate that i am the way i am, i hate how attention seeking i am, i hate how unfunny i am, i hate how boring i am, i hate that im just a garbage human being. ive lied to people for no reason even when the truth wouldnt change anything, i dont know what is wrong with me, i just really want to rip my skin off and be somebody else, i have no reason to live like this, its not even who i am, i dont even know who my friends are. i have like 3 or 4 that i could even talk about with this shit. i guess. like hung i could talk i think to him about it and he’d be very listening and understandingand empathetic, conor is probably the most rational person in terms of how he sees situations from the outside and id trust and value his opinion heavily even if theres some things socially that might not align with how i would do things. then theres kass i guess, i trust that she’ll give it to me straight as well, she wont sugarcoat some bullshit to me and tell me itll all be ok, esp when shes gone through low points enough to at least hopefully empathise. and then chrystal, is probably the person who i value the most for emotional help, she is very good with reflective language and asking how did x make you feel, and just asking generally questions and giving her opinion on things

i just dont know if i could talk to anyone about these issues tho, if it were something else like oh uni failure i could, but its about all my friendships and who i consider close, the people id be most willing to tell is chrystal cause she is isolated (in a good way) from everyone else of my friends, even tho shes one of my closest friends, and kass for the same reason.for hung he knows the people in my irl friend groups and conor knows the online groups i dont ever want anything even possibly tainting that pool.i just wish ahhh it burns

the pain is good tho, it reminds me im here, im alive, i should treasure the fact i can feel pain, some people dont even have that. luxury i guess. its just really painful wow im even tearing up while typing, this almost never happens haha. i just wish i wasnt the way i am, i just wish i was secure in myself and i wish that everything was different. so many people are like to the question if they’d redo their life if given the choice they answer “oh but it wouldnt be me then” but id take it i think, i dont want to be me, or at this current moment in time, i would take that pill and take the metaphorical suicide of erasing myself to give myself another chance i guess. So much of my life is just not good. wow look at me 22 still being a little emo fucking retard on my own tumblr diary, look at how pathetic you still are. nothings changed since 5 years ago has it, youre still the same little fucking spastic at heart. it just doesnt matter what the fuck you do you just cant be happy, i dont even know what is wrong with you except everything, throw out everything.

why am i even so sad, idk i literally thought spiralled off the thought that my friends online do things without me, like how retarded is that, look at how pathetic and illogical that is, its literally so fucking pathetic.look at you, such a sad fuck growing attached to people, when in a little while, a blip, none of these people will even remember you, people when they think of andrew will think of a generic asian kid who is just pathetically clinging on to the group as if he belongs when he never did. you never belonged but you barged in and pretended you did. none of these people actually think of you that much, some said they think of you but idk what are you supposed to say in their positions, “lol dont think of you much be be alright bud” of course theyd reply that way, theres literally no reason not to, it doesnt cost anything and only benefits/covers your self later down the line. i ahataehtahetahthatehesathatehaethathaethahtawehtahatehteahtea.i hate everything in the world i hate that i am alive i hate that i have thoughts. but im afraid. of everything as well. what if y=im not even mentally ill, what if im just fucking pretending to myself to try and make it real but im normal but i couldnt fucking make it in the real world, so i just fucking hard coping mechanismed myself into thinking im mentally fucked. i dont even have any mental illness specifically diagnosed, im just a retard whos self harming for attention arent i, i dont even know why, logically itd follow hey if youre mentally sound you wouldnt be doing any of these things, but by that logic if i was mentally sound i would have succeeded earlier in my life. but instaed look at yourself andrew, its actually such a sight the state of yourself, you just are so fucking uselss,

im afraid though, that one day ill actually kill myself, still i dont have that courage, but the me of now is scared that i will one day have the courage to do it. its not as unlikely as people might think, how razor thin the lines are it feels like. fgpksg agsóí-b9ueqb-]twqcug9vti hcfljbhklnjhhjgchfvjnvgc h gjhknlkjkgc jkvbjbcv

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

idk maybeill go hospital ina few days or osmething, i have an exam in 2 so maybe after that exam ill go just to check up on the wound i guess.see how it develops i guess first.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 2 years

Text

and imma do it agaaaainnnn woooo

idk sometimes i just wonder why im so retarded, like its just so fucking simple andrew. Dont get attached to people, theres literally nothing to be gained from attaching yourself to people, especially people who are online. You think oh look theres some friends that i really like hanging out with, i think they actually consider me one of like their close friends as well, til you then realise, no everyone in that group is just really nice to everyone and really mature. But you’re not, youre an immature retard that can’t help but think everyone actually just tolerates your existence because lets face it, what are you known for, you’re literally unironically the token asian dude it feels like. You’re not particularly funny like some of the others, you’re not particularly kind to any of the others, you’re not even particularly interesting. How you’ve managed to make it this far into being friends with these people is indeed a fucking mystery since it definitely seems like you need to take a step back and go back to being alone. None of these people will care for you after a month or two of you being gone, literally why would they? There have been plenty of people like this already, you just watched them all fade into obscurity while you pretended that you were special, that somehow you would be the person whos actually worth extending a hang to. I literally don’t know how you lie to yourself so easily and play along. Actually its not even like you don’t know that they’re lies because you know its a lie that you live and yet here you are living the lie. Its not really so much living as it feels as though im trying to remain relevant to be honest though. I wish there was a way to just erase my memory from everyones heads, but its weird because theres a selfish part of me that wants them to know, im a bitter person. Even when theres an obvious morally good choice of wiping peoples memories, i couldn’t take it because somehow i still have some ego in a weird selfish way that i wish they would miss me, i wish that people would hurt for losing me. But in 22, nearly 23 years of life. I don’t think anybody has missed me. And that kind of hurts. Really bad.

Last while has just been really painful i dont know i might self harm again just to try and relieve some of the tension cause it just hurts mentally too much, i wish that i was just ... more, im so inadaquete that i can understand why people would forget about me in, not even a month, a couple of weeks and i feel fairly certain the initial “what happened to that andrew guy” or “what happened to our token asian” would just disappear.

I just wish i was actually funny or interesting or something idk, ive had some people tell me im funny, but having to try and make people laugh i feel like isnt quite the same as what im talking about, theres some people that out of their pure charisma or maybe their looks, can just make joke after joke and i cant, im not funny, i have nothing going for me, i have maybe like 3 friends that id trust to always be there for me???????????????? maybe not even 3, probably 2.

it just sucks i guess, i felt like i poured a lot of time into this group , but to be fair looking at it like that is super not good. Its not a matter of work, its just you either are or aren’t, and pretending that you are owed something just because you tried on your side is just asking for some sort of creepy image of a beg.

i actually need to self harm or get drunk soon or something it hurts me too much these days, i try i really do, but its just so hard to try when i don’t want to live like this and yet i feel like i have to. Cause im just retarded, i don’t understand why i have to be alive i dont understand why im like this, i dont understand why i even try to be honest. Why do i try to live when its so much easier to let go?

I found out i might be aro spec recently (a year ago), its helped clear up some things and explain things but it doesn’t make the hurt any less when i see friends idk what im even saying, im literally overthinking thought spiraling myself into oblivion, literally nothing any body in the group has done anything remotely wrong, im just retarded. if there was a button to just switch off emotion or switch off parts of the brain at will, wow life feels like it could be a lot easier.

Nobody cares about you, nobody cares about your existence, you are trapped in a void, with no mouth, and you are trying to scream.

[sfd i]agngadsn;gsa’kngsalk’ndfa’lknfdh’lvslgdlfbg nklKFB;DFSLKMHN;SJFNH ‘ALG\

k;f alng;zl’scff ;klgsda[fdng gaskXEOLGDGFD SWXADSGFRWCSDGS ;KJfdal# sfdasGFDSTdga kfw[el]fFW[EL]GS/,

ill update after selfharm i guess or maybe after hospital if i go there again. God you’re such a fucking attention seeking twat andrew, just fucking off yourself, you literally don’t deserve the specs of attention that you get. Literally who would miss you when you’re gone, like 3/4 people. I doubt the people in the discord would even know til way later anyway, and by then idk, id probably have left the discord if it affected me that much that id actually attempt, cause god knows despite all i type, i am just too much of a coward to do it.

Suicide requires the either the weakest will or the strongest bravery it feels like.

i just need to cry for a few hours, i wonder how i can induce that, i just wanna let it out before i just start self harming uncontrollably, cause not gonna lie, i feel like that is coming on real soon, the thought is looming over my head, currently just thinking of where to self harm so its not as visible to the public, maybe not my arms again, tho that doesnt leave much, perhaps a thigh or smth, then i can wear shorts to cover it up or something.just... i cnat anymore i want to scream help me im drowning to whoever is up there. Cause i dont know what ill do if nobody does.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 4 years

Text

Sad

Idk I wouldn't say I’m depressed, just thinking about all the fucked up positions people are given in the world I’m privileged by far, and to be such a useless unmotivated piece of shit makes me feel worse as I was in such a privileged spot and I still managed to fuck it up. Should honestly just kms.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 5 years

Text

Its been 3-4 years?

Wow, a lot has happened in the time since I posted an update. I kind of let go of it since the self harm stuff was kinda over too, which marked the end of the really deep pit of self loathing that I wallowed in. Its not that I’m out of the woods yet, I still think about self harm sometimes admittedly, but its much less frequently. I don’t complain about my parents anymore since puberty's kind of left me off at a more mentally sound place. Its not really that I was mentally unstable as much as still just at the end of my teenager years and still rebellious phase.I still have animosity towards them, but now I think I’m more understanding. Doesn’t matter much since the damage is already done honestly but hey, its something, perhaps someday in the future I can repair this.Still not on speaking terms the two of them either.

Anyway, this chapter of my lifes been kinda weird, quit going to university since I hated it and myself, I would have written in this tumblr normally but I opted to hand write since I didn’t feel like getting out of bed.I threw that diary away, think that makes 3 now? wow. Really weird looking back on this tumblr as I was even more insecure than I remember, actually not really that I’m less insecure, but that I’m more aware of myself and my mental state. Yikes, reading this is hella cringy, since I won’t show it to anyone I won’t be deleting it like I usually would.

Anyway, my current situation, wow my english has gotten real bad. I currently work at UNIQLO, its not too bad but I’m gonna be quitting soon, I’m less socially awkward now due to working. I’ve made new friends and kept some of my old ones, some familiar names, conor, ciaran and steven. New friends, or not really new friends, but rather friends that are closest to me right now are Hung, Joseph, Ed, Tracey and Chrystal. Maybe I’ll write more about them later.

But I’m in a lot better of a place than I was before now. I feel like I can talk with these people about anything in my life if I wanted to. Not that I would since my self esteem issues are kinda something I still don’t want to bring up since its very, eh, I dunno, maybe I’ll discuss it in passing. Self loathing can only get you so far in life, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get myself to like myself, but eventually I hope to be able to look at myself and say, I’m content.

Maybe I’ll pass on by again to talk about my life more as of recent.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

Clarification

Basically i play in the living room now since my brother came home and my father also sleeps in the living room since he doesn't like my mother and refuses to look at her, tbh i can understand why. But problem comes when i play with friends and im too loud at 1am, so yes I'll admit I am in the wrong, but I should also add that my mother promised me that if i were to finish my grades I could play til the sun came up again so she broke her end of the bargain cause my dad left the house at one cause of my loudness. I won't deny it, i'm in the wrong. However when you say " You're the reason why our household is like this" that's word for word translation btw, it gets a little ridiculous cause no. I'm not, the reason our household is like this is because she wouldn't shut the fuck up when she needed to and made my father hate her. That's 100% her, not me or my brother. Just her controlling mentality doing the devils work. For some reason she thinks there's a shot though and just now she went out to go look for him at 1am. Delusional bitch. When she lectures me I don't even reply anymore, it just prolongs the lecture so there's no point. I barely talk to any of them anyway. I bet that I have said less than 1000 words in the past few weeks to my entire family, you might thinks that's a lot, but if you think about it you talk way more than you think about it. They also think I'm retarded that I don't talk but in reality its them that made me this way, the way i was brought up on was based entirely on fear of being shouted at and fear of committing the wrong. That's why i was a perfect student in primary, i was scared so i didn't try anything cause my worst fear was them shouting at me, i even remember my brother scolding me for dropping a pen when i was 8 whilst he was playing runescape (on my free time that i gave him mind you) and i almost broke down there and then. I've been brought up to fear them and now they wonder why I won't speak to them. Fucktards.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

...

I just got blamed for the failure of this household. I don't know how or why I got blamed but I did.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

My trip

This’d actually be a good time to write about the trip I went on for 6th form introduction with Ciaran and Conor. Steven was meant to come but he made up some excuse that he had to help around the house which we all knew was bs, and was also confirmed by my friend Joseph after the trip.

Anyway so we went on a three day trip to Norfolk Kingswood center thingy to do activities. Some of these activities included: -High Equilibrium -Jacobs Ladder -Laser Tag -Going to the beach to idk, swim or sight see -Campfire -Problem Solving -Climbing -Abseiling -Nightline -Archery -Aeroball -Fencing -Frisbee Golf -Low Ropes -Mini Olympics I may have missed one or two so I’ll go into how each one was.

High Equilibrium - One of the most fun yet terrifying one that I done. It involves a pair in this case me and Ciaran climbing up pretty fucking high onto this seesaw sort of thing that hangs off this pole with me on one side and Ciaran on the other. We both really didn’t want to do it cause I have acrophobia and two, Ciaran lazy as fk plus he is not fond of heights either, but alas we had to do i, so I went up first not much of a problem since I hadn’t looked down yet but when I got to the top… Well shit so instead of the others who got up and stood on one side, i decided I’d sit on it first till Ciaran got up. When he did I got told to stand by the instructor below. This… Was no easy task, but a few minutes there we were basking in the hot fucking sun (it was pretty fucking hot that day like 30 something degrees for england is pretty hot). Now we had to do Challenges on the balance beam while maintaining balance like jumping up and down to stuff like heads, shoulders, knees and jump, knees and jump. One of ours was that we were to sit foot to foot touching and bring our hands together, so there I am, struggling to sit down again when the instructor apparently had told us to do something different like another challenge but when I’m terrified of heights the first thing that comes to mind was finish the damn challenge to get down again, unfortunately we didnt hear so he tugged onto my rope whilst ciaran was starting to sit meaning the balance see saw thing immediately made it so that his side went down and mine went up. This. As it turned out, was not a fun experience. After much swearing and bitching ( at one point i called a group of girls to shut the fuck up when they told us “just don’t look down”) we were eventually let down by jumping off the beam. I had decided that I had nothing to live for anyway and jumped off and started singing Sia - Chandelier since y'know, I’m on a safety rope swinging and stuff. That concluded that.

Holy shit its 5:21 am right now imma go sleep ill finish this hopefully tomorrow cyaaa

Edit: YO its the day after i went to sleep and now I’m probably just gonna do this all in one post so that it isn’t as confusing as the other posts will be since they’re not in chronological order and stuff.

Jacobs Ladder - Not much to say here, me, Ciaran and Conor just pretty much sat there since it was so hot and we didn’t want to do it also because the wood would’ve been scorching hot, like I’d already gotten a scar on my right arm from high equilibrium earlier that day, but I never noticed it.

Laser Tag - This was really fun, we done this as one of our last activities and since we were playing in the forest it was pretty fun. First “Game mode” we played was free for all, i was actually pretty proud of my performance here, i killed three people and got i think 26 or 27 confirmed hits, for reference there were like 10 people in the game. Me, Ciaran and Conor were pretty lazy though, everyone else was running around in the forest and we just walked around shooting people. it was a lot easier to just shoot whilst walking cause aiming was obviously easier. Next game mode we played was capture the base, we got split into teams of 5 but the problem was, i betrayed my team to go onto Ciaran and Conor’s team, which only they realised i had betrayed them. Needless to say Ciaran put his gun up to my head and told me to back the fuck up and we had a little stand-off eventually he put down the gun, this was really fun since we out numbered the enemy because of me and when we won nobody on the team i had betrayed even thought it was me. Last game mode we played was defend the VIP and at this point i decided to rejoin the team that i had betrayed which they didn’t even notice i had to tell them that I had, anyway my teacher who was on my team was like in the lobby sorta room “yeah maybe I’ll be the VIP we’ll see” so for some reason the idiots all automatically assumed he was the VIP, now the VIP can’t move from the position that you set him at an you must protect him or they win the game. Ciaran and Conor knew though that I’d be the most obvious VIP because y’know i kind of like meld into the background due to how I am so i was not surprised when they literally came walking out of the forest toward me, being ignored by my team, they kinda have a invisible ability too so i had to point at them and say “err guys they’re literally just walking at me” to which finally my bodyguards chased them off. We woul;d’ve won if not for the fact that we didn’t know that the enemy team had an VIP too, whos name was Alejandro, really fat guy so i guess he wouldn’t of been useful to them chasing after people.

Going to the beach - Beach trip was kinda nice but my foot really hurt from al the walking that we did going there. Once we got there it was sunset so the view was at least nice but this meant the tide was all the way up at the sea wall so that we couldn’t even see the sand so the three of us (three being me, ciaran and conor) just kinda sat on the fence waiting to go back to the manor, every one else however thought it’d be a great idea to go into thewater and swim, which we thought was pretty dumb since most of them didn’t bring towels. At one point i coudl’ve sworn somebodies shoes got swept away by the tide which was pretty funny, after that we went back to the manor.

Campfire - This was alright, we mostly just watched peoples impressions around a campfire of teachers, movies and played other games like sharades and stuff.

Problem solving, only intersting part about this was when ciaran had to participate in one of the problems and it needed four people to manipulate ropes so that they pick up a wooden block whilst blindfolded and us who weren’t blindfolded were to direct them when to pull, so in natural trolling spirit we just kept telling ciaran to pull for no reason and eventually we just failed the challenge cause me and conor fucked it up for the rest of our team.

Climbing/Abseiling - we pretty much done this consecutively so imma just put them together. it wasn’t that bad of an experience, we done abseiling first and it wasn’t that bad, it really burnt my hands though cause i kept letting go of the rope then grabbing it again to lower myself, on climbing i got pretty far actually i almost got to the top but there was just one part at the very top which i couldn’t reach up to, these werent that difficult even though im scared of heights since i didn’t really look down so i just focused on climbing or letting go and grabbing the rope.

Nightline - not much to say again, just blindfolded walking in a line thorough a obstacle course int he forest where we had to get dirty and stuff, wasn’t that difficult though since me and conor just took off our blindfold sometimes to scout ahead.

Archery - this was pretty fun, i actually hit the middle of the target (gold) at one point and i enjoyed it alot, my physical strength meant that every time I’d pull on the bow string that my arms violently shook since I’m weak as fuck.

Aeroball - I believe we done this after jacobs ladder and it was still extremely hot then so we once again sat out

Fencing - this was actually the first activity we done on the day we got there, it was alright, nothing interesting really happened.

Frisbee Golf - this was so boring that our instructors actually decided that we could instead just play football, i pretended to have a nose bleed and sat out ( i actually did have one but it was really small)

Low Ropes - Megh, me and ciaran actually won all the events we participated here. First we just got to fuck aroiund with the climbing frame sort of thing by ourselves, then we got into pairs, i was with ciaran and conor was with our friend elliot, i got blindfolded and we got put onto one side of the climbing frame (those of us who were blindfolded) and the partner was to direct us where to go with directions. The instructor then placed water on the floor in random locations and we had to be directed to these and throw it at other people to get them out. Ciaran did a pretty good job directing me and we won that round, and we won the second, funnoily enough conor and ciaran were the ones at the end of the round, naturally we won against them. Last thing we done was just directing around the climbing frame thing blindfolded with partners.

Mini Olympics - this we done as our last activity on our first night and alot of us just kinda sat out toward the end of it, it was mostly just us in our groups

The most fun thing we did though was just spending time talking to eachother after the day was over, we didn’t really enjoy talking in thr ten minute breaks they gave us between activities since we were so exhausted so we’d just walk back to our room and sit there listening to music. I was in a room with Ciaran who slept in the bottom bunk and i slept on the top and the other two were Conor and Mayuresh(a friend of ours). There are a couple of things I should note down here: -The room itself -People we hanged out with -anything interesting happen not related to the activities -How each night went So, the room itself was fairly small but kind of cosy, maybe around 5 meters by 3 unless my sense of measurements are severely fucked. Anyway I could technically draw a quick diagram and show you, so look below i think if im bothered. On one side of the room we hand the bunk beds going lengthwise and were neatly fitted into the side. The bunks were to say… Used, as in the metal framing for the bottom of the top bunks were severely bent and most likely some fat people had slept there and bent it, making it also make an unbearably annoying squeak whenever i moved on it and making Ciaran fear for his life every time i did too. Conor, also slept on the top bunk and mayuresh slept on the bunk underneath him, their bed was closest to the window which, we found out on our day of arrival, had ants crawling through the gaps of the window, eventually over our stay they would expand and invade the entire room but only a few at a time i wasnt too worried since i was not closest to the window, and was if anything the furthest away. The window view was pleasant, we got a nice view of… This weird plain grass area where we done the mini Olympics surrounded by trees and later people would chill in. In our room we had a sink and a bin, no toilet which i found annoying, instead the toilet was shared by our entire dorm, and was connected to the shower, needless to say I literally did not shit for three days since idk it feels weird. I did shower once though, for about 1 minute, half of which i frantically applied body wash and shampoo. I did this on the first day with mayuresh at 4 am cause yknow we wanted to be alone, we done this since i couldn’t sleep at all, reasoning will be given soon. People we hanged out with - aside from the usual we just had: Jama Mayuresh Elliot All of which were pretty cool, jama shared our hate of doing things so we got on well and he chilled in our room for a lot of the time we were there to talk and stuff, plus at night, since it was Ramadan for Muslims, he’d sneak us food in the middle of the night like biscuits or sandwiches. Mayuresh was pretty chill just to have around, always fun, only negative thing was he slept the earliest making it hard for me to talk to people since then the other two went sleep and I’d be left awake Elliot’s always been a good friend of ours and he’s always fun to have around. Interesting Events - Well one that strikes out mostly is that there was an all girls school there at the manor at the same time we were, so they decided to have partties and stuff in their rooms, surprisingly we were actually invited, the three of us, me ciaran and conor went to go exploring on the first night before sleeping and ciaran almost got molested but dodged the girl, to which they started giggling and running away. Needless to say we were pretty freaked out and got to our dorm room quickly after that. Then there was this one girl who whenever she saw us would say “Hi” but in this really annoying voice idk maybe it actually was her voice but she kept inviting us to the party, which we never went since we were too lazy. Apparently there were guys that did go though and some guy actually brought a swiss army knife to unbolt the window bolts and sneak over to the girls rooms which i was actually impressed by. There probably were alot of other things but i cba to write them all here since they were kinda trivial, like a quick one is when we went to go get Ciaran cappuccino ( he drank literally 30 cups over three days, idk he got addicted or something) the girls almost cornered us at the vending machine so we left Conor ( who was getting something from it) and ran away. How each night went - well the first night was the worst, since i got one hour of sleep before ciaran woke me up at 12am and the a thunderstorm happened which made me unable to sleep and even wome up mayuresh, eventuallt i asked him to go get my phone so i could play games on it to pass the time and that was that. Second night, nothing much happened, just talking and music playing (Most popular song was Rather be by Clean Bandit where Conor would howl the high parts)most interesting thing was that Conor fell asleep on the floor, prior to this he was lik" if i fall asleep, tell me to get up" now i did wake him up, but he literally opened his eyes, looked at me, and went back to sleep. I managed to sleep this night so that went well. Weirdly Conor found himself back in his bed in the morning 0_o Third night,this was the most interesting cause we got to stay up till like 2am cause all the teachers got hammered and drunk, so when people were running around the dorm, the teacher was so pissed and drunk that if you waved at him he waved back at you and walked back into his room, it was the most hilarious thing. Anyway the funniest event on this night was Mayuresh had kinda hooked up with this girl whilst we were on our break and at night he got called by her and they were talking about meeting up on their last day in the morning. I was curious and asked "Ay Mayuresh, whos le bitch?" I should point out that Mayuresh was on the other side of the room when I said this so i didnt think she'd hear it. Unfortunately, she did but thought Mayuresh said it and suddenly she got all offended and started bitching, but then Mayuresh was like "It wasn't me, my friends are talking about something" This, un/fortunately was where Ciaran decided to shout "NOBODIES CALLING YOU A BITCH, WHY'D WE CALL YOU A BITCH, BITCH?" I snapped and started laughing and the girl got extremely upset and got into an argument with Mayuresh for like ten minutes, then she was like "WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES" to which I answered "AY MAYURESH, REMEMBER THE CODE, BROS BEFORE HOES". She heard that too, and before you know it she hung up. Mayuresh was pretty calm but the bitch kept calling him over and over for like an hour but Mayuresh was annoyed that whenever he picked up, it was just background noise and nobody spoke so he eventually stopped bothering. Finally he decided to pick up and at first they were resolving things, everything was calm until... Mayuresh said "Like look, I know you really like me yeah bu-" and Ciaran interrupted him with him singing: " I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU AND I WANT YOU DO YOU WANT ME TOO" I died laughing for a constant ten minutes and she got all pissed again. By the way all the time whilst he's talking, me and Ciaran were talking about how it weren't our fault and stuff, Conor decided to stay out of it and didn't bother with trying to stop us either. That day, me and Ciaran were Mayuresh's number one wingmen. It was funny as fuck, the couple kept arguing for like another half hour when Jama comes in and we tell him the situation and he decided to go onto Mayuresh's bed and whisper into the phone "Mayuresh, come back to bed" holy shit, it was funny as fuck. Eventually the night ended with Mayuresh getting a little insane and talking about random stuff with Me, Jama, Ciaran and Conor and Richard (another friend) then Jama and Richard left to go get their Ramadan meals and i asked him for a sandwich, he later got me one and Conor asked for one too but him and the others were asleep at this point so I decided to turn in too. That was a overview of it basically, I could've typed more but it would take three times longer to write, all in all it was a fun experience even with all the activities we had to do cause not only did I get to spend time away from the family, but I got to spend it with some of my closest friends.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

Zzz

Holidays a bore, summer holidays have started here in 2015 and at the moment things aren't exactly exciting, to touch on some events that have recently been sprung onto me: -Playing League alot with a different friend of mine who I've known for like 6 months, I usually play league with Ciaran during the day. -May have neglected Steven's league invites since I'm often so exhausted from playing with my friend or Ciaran and his sleep schedule is f'ed meaning he logs on when I'm tired. - Got told recently by someone they have a crush on me which is to say the least interesting since I see no reason why they should but it does put me in a pickle since now I have to find a way of telling her no without being a douche since I've banned myself from relationships till like University. - I just scrolled past that post about Anthony which reminded me and he and I haven't talked in awhile since leaving school and him going to a different 6th form. Should probably see if he still plays league. - Brother came home, means I get kicked out to living room where my fathers TV is really loud and annoying and his snoring pisses me off too, making skyping difficult. - Good side is that my mother no longer bothers me since her and my father can't ever be in the same room as eachother and he only stays in the living room ( Its been like 7 months without them talking, like I'm not even mad, thats amazing) I'll probably update more tomorrow, on old series posts and detailing the events described here. SEEYA

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

My situation with Anthony

So unlike the post below which details how I met Anthony, we actually do play League now regularly, with our close friend Ciaran. However I don't know if its the game or him being on Skype but I've found like a new side of him now. And I'm unsure whether I like it or not. For one thing he's critical of the champion Zed, like I'm just casually playing league and suddenly he'll randomly say " I hate people who play Zed LOL so easy" in context I play a lot of Zed as I find it fun, but this comment in my opinion is just so uncalled for, I might say "ha you're so bad at that champion" but i acknowledge the strengths of the player whereas he seems to not regard me in anything especially on the champion that I am proud of playing well. That's just a minor thing though, the real thing that hurt me was today where i was telling a story about how I thought this one person we'll call James hated this other person called Kai by talking to James (we were in drama class group) . he said something like " I hate Kai, whenever my music piece comes on he always whispers to Anthony and they giggle" From this I personally inferred he disliked Anthony too. After telling this to Anthony he suddenly got heated and said in a very serious voice to Ciaran and me " This is how you know Andrew is fake, when someone's chatting shit about me he doesn't defend me but whenever people talk bout him I defend him" I was stunned. I didn't know what to say, I was so hurt that he'd just say that in such a casual manner and no, its not possible that it was a joke either cause there was a long pause of silence after to which Ciaran changed the subject. Like I don't know what he expected of me, like there would've literally been no point of me arguing with James since it doesn't benefit anyone, like I honestly don't know why he sounded so disappointed that I for some reason not tried to make James nit hate Anthony even though Anthony hates him anyway, like there's no point to me doing that. What hurt me more was that this was just an anecdote about James talking about Kai, but instead of any of that he decides to focus his attention at me, as if I am in the wrong for being in the room and not doing anything about the fact that, James who Anthony hates, is talking shit indirectly about Anthony and I am supposed to do something about it. And you know what makes these sorts of things worse? Is that I just don't say anything, I've had too many times where I've tried to say something only for it to be shot down, like arguing with Anthony is difficult since he hammers his point through and he'll believe he is right based on his own biased beliefs meaning that there is no way you can "win" and argument against him since the only way you can win is by constructing a argument that makes sense to him, which defeats the purpose of the argument in the first place. I'm just too tired for that stuff, plus I've never been good at arguing in the first place so I just stay silent and ignore whatever he says. This is not to take anything from Anthony, hes still one of the funniest people and a close friend its just that, maybe it wasn't the worst thing that I didn't play league with him before.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

It burns.

So I scratched my skin off of my flesh for the 4th time today. Reason? I'm not even sure anymore. I say its okay when inside I want to flay myself. Everybody puts on masks I guess. Today's just gonna be another one of those days. I wonder if the future me still has the scar that's just above his right knee. That was my third scar and I wanted to do it in a place that nobody would see, but to hide the fact it was self caused I paraded it around the school saying something along the lines of I tripped and fell really hard and grazed it on like steel daggers or something. It didn't look anything like an injury that could've been caused naturally, but my playful anecdotal talking got them to think it was, though they were repulsed by it. So yeah, I feel the best way to hide your scars is when they're in front of everyone to see. My left arm is burning now, it constantly burns and it fucking hurts. It feels relieving.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

What kinda guy am I?

I've been described as dry, sarcastic, quirky, moody and my voice has a monotone to it. I'm basically your average " That guy with glasses who's the main characters friend but you don't learn or remember his name" You could also just describe me as " That guy" like if you describe me you start to guess and then you think " AHA, THAT GUY" Its not bad having an invisible factor but this guy the other day told me he forgot that i even existed which was rude as fuck.

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

0 notes

logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 9 years

Text

Someone who feels a million miles away

Anthony I feel like age isn't important anymore so ill just stop that, he goes to my school and he's basically really fun most of the time, hes what makes break and lunchtime actually fun since without him theres this... Uneasiness in the air. We first met actually around year 5-ish when me and David went sunday school and on the table to our right ( we sat at the north-western side from the entrance) sat Anthony and some other person. David was actually the one who made friends with him first though we both acknowledged each others presence. Then year 6 came and the tests for some schools were coming up, I saw him at two schools, the one i attend now and the other one was some really high achieving school. All we did was just kind of wave and smile then went about our own ways after the tests were done. Then came year 7 and we'd both gotten into the school we attend now, not by choice personally it was actually my last option, but still whatever. We met up on the first day and began talking and I dunno we just kind of clicked i guess? We were really different and maybe that's what allowed us to be good friends and eventually we even had our own little group of buddies that we had created ( I'll go into this later) anyway, I was playing a game called roblox at the time and i prompted him to play it, which he did. We never actually played together much but it was fun talking about it. Then, patch 1.4.01 of minecraft beta had been released and notably the update that brought wolves. I fell in love with the game instantly and encouraged Anthony to also play. He did and he also got me to make a skype, which allowed us to talk whilst playing. This for now we'll call the First era if you will (cheesy as fuck yo) which went on for about a year and a half. After this time, we were in year 8-ish and we had gotten slightly tired of minecraft where we'd blow everything we made, up. Im not sure who suggested it but one of us decided to play World of Warcraft the free trial, and so, we played the free trial, allowing us to reach level 20 for free. In actual fact we kinda just stayed at level 20 and went exploring the world of Azeroth together, notably the extremely high leveled places of level 50+ which was fun, then we got the real game and from then on we just quested till he was 65 and I was 69 (I had a lot more time to play compared to him) but then he got hacked, so we decided to quit, this took about two or three months I think, as in this era. We rediscovered our love for minecraft for about half a year when suddenly, Anthony invited me, David and our mutual friend Gigi to go out to, idk, do some stuffs together. I was excited, I don't get invited to anything at all so even a simple invitation to hang out was cool (pathetic I know) So we went out but we decided there wasn't actually much to to do when someone had the great idea of going to a gaming cafe. We paid £20 i think it was each to play on the cool PCs they had there, problem was we didn't know what to play so we spent a bit figuring out what to do when i was scrolling through their games and found a familiar title. League of Legends. I'd already played the tutorial at home a year prior to this as I saw someone called Pbat play it on the youtubesss. I instantly proposed we all play together, so there we were, 4 young, EXTREMELY bad players into our first game. It was horrible, we died at least 50 times to bots mainly as we'd literally spam the keyboard when fighting in the game , i distinctly remember playing Cho'Gath as he looked really cool. None of us got kills at the end except one of us, me :) i got kill as Amumu somehow later, ANYWAY, me and Anthony continued to play the game, but David and Gigi lost interest fairly quickly. And to this day we are both still passionate about League. But we don't play together anymore or talk online for that matter. There's a rift if you will between us that is caused by his other friends ( I mean this in the nicest way possible since i think they're really cool people) since they've I dunno brought out who Anthony really is I guess. Something that I could never of done. Because if you look at the Anthony before and the Anthony now you'll notice an extreme change. This change took place around year 10 I'm not sure what triggered it, but I think it was his childhood friend Charlotte introducing him to other people, or maybe I'm delusional as I usually seem to be. So just like David, I feel slightly disconnected from him. He's like a brother to me since we've known each other for almost half our lives now and he's one of the coolest people I know. Wow there's so much already here, I'll be expanding this fo sure 0_0 Sorry about grammar again, I've spent 30 mins typing this on my phone so its difficult for me to really do this properly. Till the next post.

0 notes