lolshutup1

[lolshutup1]

if i ever start ranting to you and you show no affection. like i dont ask for advice. i just want you to show you actually care, or js let me know you dont want to hear about it just tell me. because i really trust you but i dont know. you showing you dont care makes me overthink and not trust you. but like if i stop ranting to you and u say “i feel like u dont trust me anymore” its bc i dont lol. i only rant / tell people what happened to 3 people. now 2. anyways never trust no boys🙄. ha he doesnt care. ok anyways im done. bye.

[lolshutup1]

i am at the point im not even afriad to die

today my mom told me i was gonna talk to my doctor because she found out i was throwing up. i thought it was only gonna be about my throwing up but nooo. my mom mentioned my scars and how she thinks im depressed. so basically i was on a 10 min call w my doc but before that she was talking to my mom. my mom mentioned my scars, throwing up, how she thinks im depressed to her. so first she talked about throwing up. she asked why i did it and yeah yeah i told her everything about that. then my scars. thats where i was suprised because i thought it was only ahout my situation. she asked me questions and i answered them truthfully. there was some i said i dont know to but i ended up answering truthfully. then she asked if i was feeling a depressed. ofc i said tes because my mom wasnt in the room. i answered ny docs questions truthfully. after that i started crying and fell asleep 30 min after crying. 3-4 hours later i woke up. 30 min after i woke up i started crying hard. i cried for at least hmm 3 hours.

i have NO emotions left. literally yell at me and see if i cry. hit me and see if i cry. im mentally and physically drained. literally i will talk back i dont care.

i am DONE ranting to boys. they say they care and that they are there for you but they show nothing towards you.

i havent left my room ever since that call.

i got yelled at for making my brother cry. they act like i havent made him cry before. he started crying and they heard and i got yelled at. while i was getting yelled at i put on my airpods so i dont have to listen to their bs. full volume, could t hear anything. they showed him love and i got nothing. they know im suicidal and yet i get no love. i knew this “nice” treatment wasnt going to last. i made my mom cry multiple times but yet i didnt give two fucks.

someone kill me.

[lolshutup1]

im literally failing as a person its not even funny.

[lolshutup1]

oops

so my mom found out about my cuts and like uhm yeah. i think everyone in my family knows because they’re finally treating me like their actual daughter. lile where did this come from?

ok anywayd done

[lolshutup1]

for parents

do NOT expect me to be like you guys when you guys were younger. grandma and grandpa may have been good for you guys but you guys are not good to me. never got to meet my grandparents (dads side) because they fucking died. grandpa (mom side) body shames me and made me feel so worse about my self at such a young age. grandma (moms side) was my bestfriend. do NOY act like you know everything about me, cuz oh my god you definitely dont. i do not tell you shit about my self because you guys are fucking blabbers. you tell people and you know i dont want anyone knowing. and i get yelled at for “blabbering” ? nah bro. thats not how it works. keep the same energy when you do the same shit. i am NOT like you guys. maybe i wouldve been if you treated me as good as my brothers but noo. you guys decided to not and make my life a mess. you guys suck lol. suck my fucking dick.

[lolshutup1]

family

i am so tired of their bullshit. like if i fucking say i eat, I FUCKING EAT. what do you not understand about that? i literally said i DO. i dont care if i got skinnier, that does not mean i dont eat. i just got a healthier eating schedule or whatever. do NOT tell me to clean my room because i lost MOST of my fucking motivation for that shit. do NOT yell at me for that also. if my room is dirty then its fucking dirty, im not cleaning in up because it will just get dirty again. and do NOT mention how if i get my own room it will also be dirty. no fucking shit sherlock. do NOT yell at me for “talking back” learn the definition first bae. and make up your fucking mind, when i eat you body shame me, when i dont you get mad. you guys wonder why i always stay in my room and not talk to you guys. heres your answer. you guys make me feel so worthless, dumb, stupid name it. you guys dont make me feel good about my self at all. you guys are my first reason why. i wanna leave. i can not wait til i turn 18. and this is why i like to hang out with people, sleepovers, why i always wanna leave the house. because you guys are just so toxic its fucking exhausting. and you guys are the reason why i “changed”. i dont care if im making a goddamn scene in public or not. that is YOUR fault.

i hope none of the people see this .

[lolshutup1]

ok its 2:23 in the morning right now. we go back today. i absolutely have no fucking idea how to get inside or my classroom. im new to the building, anyways. i have to get up in like 5 hours? and im still awak. this explains how bad my sleeping schedule is. if i dont wake up, dont blame me. blame my alarm. anyways might as well wear pjs and a hoode? the fuck. cuz im not looking for attention. im not gonna dress up for some fake whores lol. ok anyways i hole no one in my school finds this account, well someone already did but i told her my tumblr🙄. ok anyways. i’ll update. in a few hours? when i wake up.

[lolshutup1]

ok nvm im going to sleep

ok its 2:23 in the morning right now. we go back today. i absolutely have no fucking idea how to get inside or my classroom. im new to the building, anyways. i have to get up in like 5 hours? and im still awak. this explains how bad my sleeping schedule is. if i dont wake up, dont blame me. blame my alarm. anyways might as well wear pjs and a hoode? the fuck. cuz im not looking for attention. im not gonna dress up for some fake whores lol. ok anyways i hole no one in my school finds this account, well someone already did but i told her my tumblr🙄. ok anyways. i’ll update. in a few hours? when i wake up.

[lolshutup1]

ok its 2:23 in the morning right now. we go back today. i absolutely have no fucking idea how to get inside or my classroom. im new to the building, anyways. i have to get up in like 5 hours? and im still awak. this explains how bad my sleeping schedule is. if i dont wake up, dont blame me. blame my alarm. anyways might as well wear pjs and a hoode? the fuck. cuz im not looking for attention. im not gonna dress up for some fake whores lol. ok anyways i hole no one in my school finds this account, well someone already did but i told her my tumblr🙄. ok anyways. i’ll update. in a few hours? when i wake up.

[lolshutup1]

school

school is draining.

i have lost my so much of my motivation. i honestly dont think im gonna pass but whatever. i am getting really bad grades, like 1’s and 2’s like the fuck. my teachers wont stop giving homework. they say to have a fun weekend but assign homework? thats not how it works bae. i always got distracted and stuff. im losing sleep. i always sleep in my class and get kicked out of my meets. im going back to school, like in building yeah yeah and i am not ready🥲. ok so basically ever since school started (august sum) it has always been online school but they finally made up their damn minds and letting us go in the building but only for the morning; after FOUR months. in those four months i didnt learn shit. lowkey hoping i learn at least something🙄. like school is ending in almost 5 months? if i dont learn shit im switching back to remote i dont care. i have been stuck in this home for a year and something. i changed, even my friends from elementary said so🙄.