lonelylittletransgirl
Time for Sleep
the worlds okayest amalgamation of depression, anxiety, self hatred, lonliness, and dysphoria | she/her
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“but it was you who left me”
MIKKO KUORINKI, 2010
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21:27 - 30/09/2021
fucking hateeee that i remember this but, happy birthday dumbass, idk how this date still lives in my head
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4:36pm 02/04/2021
i spent most of today crying tbh, i’m just having a bad day.
i wish i got to be a little girl, i wanna have a loving protective dad who takes care of me and tells me how much he loves me, i wanna have a mom who dresses me up, helps me look pretty, talks to me about boys.
instead i’ve got a dad who never wanted me, he’s friends with a sexual predator and divorced my mom twice for a girl 15 years younger than him, he’s never given me a hug, never told me he’s proud, i’m scared to come out to him and probably never will.
my mom is uncomfortable with my gender expression, she’s resented me since the summer before highschool, she cared for her boyfriend all summer and left my brother and i alone, i took some of her clothes that summer and that’s when i first realized i was happier as a girl, since coming out at 16 she hasn’t touched me, hasn’t fed me, been a shoulder to cry on, she’s completely ignored me, and given me nothing more than a roof to sleep under, i don’t think she’ll ever accept me, and i don’t think i’ll ever get to be myself around her.
between my two parents, they’ve dismissed all my childhood interests, they use eachother as excuses, i’m sick of looking at people with loving happy families, they make food together, they hug eachother and tell one another how much they love them, they get to visit family together, go on adventures together, i get threatened and dismissed, i’m told my feelings don’t matter, that i need to grow up, man up, stop crying, stop cutting yourself like a teenage girl, i’m not supposed to wear makeup, or have pretty dresses, i should cut my hair, and be grateful that i haven’t been kicked out.
i feel awful saying it, but i’d be genuinely happier without my family, when i can afford to move out, i will be blocking their numbers, i won’t tell them where i went, and i hope i never see or hear from any of them again, i don’t care if i end up alone, it’s better than calling this living.
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9:13pm - 26/03/2021
my third time trying to stop caffeine as of last monday, already ignored it twice but im not completely abusing it so thats a start... i didnt get as sick this time vs the previous two, so i guess thats good? i’ve been on a normal sleep schedule for just over a week now, i’m actually eating at least twice a day, i’m showering at least every other day, haven’t cut myself in a few weeks, and after switching to estrogen injections from pills ive been much more consistent with my dosing times, i feel a lot less anxious about missing my pill times, overall i’m really happy to switch to injections.
honestly today was a terrible day at work, my co-workers... as gross and perverted as they are, managed to actually make the day tolerable, despite the terrible client, so I guess its not too bad.
my internet friends have been... an on and off thing, mono in particular has taken an attitude to talk down to and belittle me, which is frustrating me to no end, but im tolerating it, and i guess its still better to talk to someone than nobody at all.
i hope i can keep up the no caffeine + actually eating food + showering in the coming weeks, i’m still not fully nailing brushing my hair every day, brushing my teeth and washing my face, but small victories for now?
i had urges to drink and cut myself earlier, but I resisted them long enough, and i’m getting tired, hopefully in the morning i will feel better.
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