love-arah

[love-arah]

June

This June I’m thinking about a fresh start. How can I refresh my relationship with Jesus? What can I give and give up? How can I be more like Him?

[love-arah]

If I sit here, hands shaking, sun drenched in light, open curtain and tears flooding my face - will the heat melt my sadness away. Will it take everything that haunts and bubble wrap me in love? If I open all my windows, will it suck out the darkest corners of my room? No sunscreen, completely alone, will I find myself in this space covered in dust? 

[love-arah]

i feel like i’m losing my identity all over again

who am i without the things that anchor me i pray pray pray for a better life than thi

[love-arah]

Forugh Farrokhzad, from ‘Forgive Her’, Sin: Selected Poems

[love-arah]

Summer

It’s been really hot lately. I feel like the heat has been turned on in Hong Kong. It’s been a lot harder to see lately. The sweat from my eyes fog up my glasses whenever I’m in an airconditioned room. The sun, as sweet and loving and life-giving it is, has been doing what’s necessary. Nature - in all its wonder - has been moving forward. Away from the gloom and frostbite of the Winter chill, away from the early sunsets and dark mornings, away from the shivering and layers of protection. No we use a different kind of protection, suncreen - a vital step often forgotten by the masses. Perhaps a little too cool or just lazy. It’s umbrellas, headgear and sunglasses. Mask in a different form.

Seasons have a way of being exactly the same all over the world - they bring out our layers in abundance and variety. While Winter finds me a little less willing for some warm gatherings, Summer finds me desparate for cooler companionship. Hibernation - maybe. Restless leg syndrome finds me hunched over my desk for hours upon hours accomplishing, from the darkest inner corners of my conciousness, nothing. Sweaty and anxious - my skin is eager for chillier enironments. Summer is a rebirth. At least for me, it’s always been the Summer I Turned Pretty. Decades of youthful exuberance. It’s when I find myself the most.

It’s curious timing to find myself on this very day of May, grieving the death of everything I’ve lost and finding life in the palm of my hands. I understand exactly how insignificant I am and how my words are completely meaningless and that I am human to my core. All of my flaws, foggy glasses, sweaty forhead, restlessness and all - humbled in the presence of the only One in Control. In all my impatience and who I’ve become, it’s so much easier to drive myself insane. A stright up car crash on the way to the asylum. But I want choose this road - the road that doesn’t let you take the easy way out. I choose this road but I choose not to drive.

So this Summer, I have my Allie sunscreen, my Tocobo sunstick, my zero brand sunnies and Nike cap and my tiny umbrella - I’m ready! 

[love-arah]

boyfriend has been adorable lately, he started boxing again and I’m starting to dance again after my work 💕🙈

[love-arah]

I went to a party and met a lot of new friends, it was super fun!

[love-arah]

spamming tumblr because I’m not in the mood to post on instagram but I’ve been in a sharing mood

[love-arah]

this was a fun day 💕

[love-arah]

it’s been all work and copium lately - i’m so glad the sun is starting to shine again

[love-arah]

in my curly hair era ~

[love-arah]

He calls me 'Beloved'.

dark am i, yet lovely

[love-arah]

[love-arah]

it’s starting to make sense

at first glance, it seemed deceiving it was bland and misgiving it was clumsy and confusing it was smiles and inside jokes and 300 words minimum it didn’t burn or blind me like it used to it didn’t push me off the edge without a parachute it didn’t demand my submission or guilt my obedience it was the only one that laughed at jokes that weren’t funny it was listening and sincerity and histories colliding it was tears and healing and trying it was praying with everything i have left it seemed deceiving, at first glance it wasn’t anything i wanted but dreamed of all along

[love-arah]

Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[love-arah]

struggle

make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction

a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or resist attack

the small flame burned like an invitation a spark, a greeting a welcoming hug, a wasting touch it didn’t hurt all that much the pain was almost sweet a tempting kiss on deadly lips the flame grew the more it consumed taking little pieces of you it didn’t burn at first sight the light consumed in your eyes it danced on every surface of every fantasy and every dream in the heat of the tragedy the struggle remains

[love-arah]

“i can hear it in your voice” he said  “i can hear when you’re about to do something amazing.”