lovesaadiqa

[lovesaadiqa]

An elusive love

Chased away love I didn't recognize until it was gone. Trying to protect myself from heartache I guess.

Can still feel the desolation my first love left me with long before he was actually gone. Accepting the loneliness works when I honor the peace that come with being unbroken.

Being in love makes a bitch vulnerable and over-protective, shit down right violent when it starts to get too close.

Dumb scared to let love make a fool of me twice. My own voice betrayed me, told me all sorts of false shit just so hope could survive another day.

This one has me one the fence. It's all different and sorta the same and that's where it gets messy. How can't I see the forest for the trees but want to go hunting?

[lovesaadiqa]

Trusting my self is work. I'm conflicted and afraid to open myself up to what could be a lifetime of bliss or regret. A single decision could shape the rest of life but I'm scared. I have to trust myself to take a leaf of faith not knowing what the outcome would render. Can I patch myself up if I fall flat on my ass? My psyche is unstable but I want to feel a happiness I don't know exists. The sure bet it to remain ok with mediocrity, alone with fleeting phases of highs and low I know I could manage or give in with a heart full of hope and a promise of uncertainty. Be brave or cower? I've always taken a chance with self sabotage because I can control being let down. A request to rise to the occasion but what if I fail? Can I do this or grieve the acceptance that I can't. Is it worth trying?

[lovesaadiqa]

You are not you're thoughts. Thinking is something you watch the mind do.

[lovesaadiqa]

you keep disassociating your self from who you are chasing some fairytale you know will never serve you. with a nice life still available to you if you're just honest with yourself. the answers you have already don't come up because you don't want to ask the questions and hear your truth. spinning in circles, dizzy. nauseas. be still and stop running. you've been rejected before, disappointed, fearful, desperate, alone, abandoned but never honest. you're so fucking strong and vulnerable, i've seen both, i've been here with you since as long as you can remember. whats the point of pushing everyone away while you also fear being alone? you can't have both! either believe wholly you are all you need or invest in companionship. we aren't getting any younger so if you must grow, grow wiser. take the time you need to ask yourself the hard questions and speak your truth. you cannot escape forgiveness, muster the courage to release people from their limited understanding and vague consciousness. you may not hide from knowing better and continually behaving inconsistently with such knowledge. the best thing you can do for your future self is to implement the love you will require later, now. if we know nothing else we know you're going to need you and not the you you are now, a better you! a you equipped to handle more, open more, be more. cultivate the one person you know you can rely on until the day the air is gone. you cannot do that by spinning around in the same spot, crying over the same shit, being the same you. the old you was so necessary to survive and kudos, you created her when you needed too but you can and need to release her now. we need more powerful, witty, calm, calculated, determined girl now. a stronger girl now. we became who we needed to be to save us from so many people but i need you to save us from you now. i love you forever and ever.

[lovesaadiqa]

Find a way to break free of your scarcity mindset. Abundance is the alternative. Stop fantasizing about how life would look with a nigga who has already fumbled you! You slow a lil bit, lmao. You've proven to yourself countless time how capable you are of attaining shit that you want so want more bitch. Don't even think bigger, don't imagine it at all. Feel that shit. Example.. don't think of what a billionaire looks like because you will deceive the living fuck out of yourself, ask what you'd feel if you had those finances available to you! You'd feel real ass freedom, luxury, accommodation, privilege, charitable. Romanticize that shit! Allow the feeling to overtake you, free yourself from thought and surrender to the energy you can harness now! Fuck the type of guy you've always settled for, how would it feel to be loved beyond what your mind can grasp as "ideal love" you can't think that shit up but you can feel secure, cherished, valued, honored without the presence of any mf body! This life isn't about dreaming some shit up, you're alive baby girl, feel that shit. Don't wait until you're paralyzed to cherish walking, jogging, skipping. Gratitude is available to you now. Know whatever is coming your way will not miss you so rejoice now cause it's coming! Don't fool yourself thinking that old things will get better, it's better to just believe new things are coming and you can make space for them now! Fuck imagining where the house will be or what it would look like, feel the heated floors beneath the soles of your feet when you strut on the sandy beaches this summer, the same sun that will peak through the windows of your penthouse is the same sun that warms your skin when you're taking out the trash. So fucking luxe! Fuck what it is that you want, how does it feel.. total well being feel like what to you?

[lovesaadiqa]

the unthethered soul

this book is one that keeps on giving or growing me i should say. my second time reading it helped me realized the different spaces i was in before and now. i seldom go back and read my entries, its kinda of cringe for me especially when i don't see in growth from one post to another, stagnation makes me sad. anyway i cried alot the first time i read this book and this time im highlighting like hell. just to catch me up, ive been driving over the road for 5 months now, initially soothing myself with music, empty conversation from random people and as dangerous as it sounds, tv, movies and murder mysteries. the last 30 days has been silent asf on my truck, no nothing! the window down and my thoughts. i gave the book another go round but ive been applying what im reading and this shit is no joke! ive learned how to know when im in the seat of self, how to be aware of my awareness, how to watch my emotions form, how to disconnect from what im seeing and pay attention to how whatever it is im seeing is making me feel. amateur at best but today was another monster and i can see how i definitely will need my awareness to grow and how consistency will play a major role in how fast i can find my freedom.

its 4th of july, no the weekend, the literal day. i'd been driving for 4 hours and go to my receiver super early because when i started my route i forgot the time zone was going to change. i arrived at 1:30 cst and am told the ppl who unload me was changing shifts and i'd have to wait until 3:45.. there's no pressure but its hard asf to find parking in general but especially on a holiday or weekend so idgaf about nothing but finding parking because im less than 1/2 mile aware from a flying j and dont wanna have to get back on the highway to find parking. i get back in my truck, eat and get on social media. i can feel someone unloading me but it's nowhere near 3:45 so i grab my paperwork and march my ass inside hype like "yes, imma be outta here soon" i get in a realize it was an over zealous worker who came in early for holiday pay (i'd still have to wait for my paperwork to get signed). someone shows up in the office right at 3:45 and im told they have to count and verify my freight which would be at least 30-45 more mins. im ok with that because my appt time wasn't until 5pm and im already unloaded before 4. it's gets dumb tricky because im notified im counted and good to go, i get inside and the guy who is to give me my papers says i have to pay a lumper fee. i've never in all my months had to pay a lumper fee, in fact i don't know wtf that is so i call my dm and I get Matt (he's a rude sob and hate hearing his damn voice) who tells me i have to send a message form. i do as im told but get a reference number on my tablet that says give this to the ppl inside to pay, i get inside give them the code and they tell me to put it in the payment slot on the text they sent (in my head im screaming "what fucking text") -- fuck the rest of the story

as im walking back and forth from my truck to the receiver i can feel the agitation building, my responses are on the rude side, i can hear my consciousness forewarning me that im getting heated. i tried to feel what was happening inside of me as im also trying to remain professional. i tell myself that im only frustated because i dont think im going to be able to find parking, im losing it becasue wtf is a lumper fee and wtf you mean i have to pay it, what text did you send me on top of hearing "western express this is Matt" lmmfaooooo. i get to the fucking gate to leave and the bitch gone say "can you pull all the way up im pregnant and i dont feel like walking to the back of your trailer. i legit wanted to run her tf over because bitch you at work and pregnant ppl arent handicapped HOT!!!! In the time it took me to tell myself to calm and actually calming down i ran a stop sign and drove past the flying j entrance.

then i get to my lil to do list and im supposed to read a chapter: Removing Your Inner Thorn (im literally fighting back tears writing this) the second fucking sentence "In order to grow, you must give up the struggle to remain the same, and learn to embrace change at all time" ATE ME TF UP! Im not the same because now i have the awareness to spot, feel and identify my emotions before they have me in a chokehold. knowing all that i still copped an attitude and let them run me. this chapter talks about have a literal thorn piercing a nerve and the options you have to avoid the pain. first option is to avoid anything that will touch, bother, graze, tap, irritate your torn.. second option, remove the fucking thorn all together! a few lines that made me legit get my laptop, come into the pilot and write this entire entry: if you decide you have to keep things from touching the thorn, then that becomes the work of a lifetime; the life of protecting yourself from the problem becomes a perfect reflection of the problem itself; you can actually fell that because you've minimized the pain of the problem, you've solved the problem.. all you did was devote your life to avoiding it; the problem will be back the moment the external situation fails to protect you from what's inside; you are not the pain you feel; the thorns naturally work themselves out if you stop protecting them; you do no get rid of loneliness (or any thorn sadness, depression, anxiety, short temper, a broken heart, abdandonment) you just cease to be involved with it, it just another thing in the universerse like cars, glass or the stars.

i cant began to explain how i did the work and then read the book. there is no joy like getting it. i understand now. im praying for more situations to arise so i can better at this and win inner peace for myself. the ultimate goal for me is to sit in the seat of self and remain there.. i just know with my whole heart i will read this book until the cover falls off because it is a complete guide to spiritual freedom, in my opinion. i have about 6 books on my truck right now and this one is the most got a second read before i finished any of the other one for a first time. im happy to be here. in this space, with this awareness and the understanding of what to do with it and how if benefits me. i will get so fucking good at this!!

i hope when you come back to read this it wont be cringe babygirl. i wish you nothing but healing and total well being. to think that coming face to face with a pain that made you know want to wake up no more got you here is nothing but God's love for you. its so important to realize that it was all necessary! forgive, relax and release Saadiqa but most importantly remain thank for it all. equipped with the know-how to watch your thoughts and detach from them should make this journey so fucking delicious. you are awareness and EVERTHING else is an object of your consciousness. the feelings, the thoughts that get stuck on repeat, other people, aging, your body.. all of it. just a thing/things you've become aware of, they are not you. never, ever, ever forget that. leaving the seat of self is such a massive step down that some people do it for a single thing and they're never able to return again. that is the prize, the gift of a life lived. Chapter 8 over and over and over and over again!!!! please get this Saadiqa it is my life's wish for you NEVER STEP DOWN!

[lovesaadiqa]

A single goal changed the entire course of my life. It’s quite hilarious how powerful a stubborn thought could actualize. An idea pops in and now something must be done about it. So many thoughts just come and go, passing through like a bird flying or a cat trotting. Funny asf analyzing the shit “we must” do something about. Abused for years and suffered it silently only to have a voice and stand up for a parking spot at work, lmao. Why? Fight vehemently for a roof to conceal tears only to turn around and live in parking lots, taking showers at gas stations happy asf. The ride of life is amazing. Moment by moment changing, evolving, seeking, understanding.. accepting. Appreciative of it all. Seeing myself is joyous and very eye opening. Deciding what matters is nothing short of comical.

[lovesaadiqa]

I love to learn real bad and books are the software update my brain absorbs the most. It’s how I grow and groom my self love ❤️

[lovesaadiqa]

The fight God has given me for this life is tailor made. I don’t always understand but I’ve surrendered to trust. An easier life would’ve made me weak and a harder one would’ve made me quit. It’s perfectly balanced for the tools I was blessed with. One belief I developed a little while ago is that even if it walks, talks or breathes, it’s dead if it doesn’t grow. I’m always learning, applying and witnessing Gods hand in my life and conscious awareness allows me to sit in awe at my journey while I’m in it. Reflection is one thing but to understand what’s happening while it’s happening shakes my spirit with gratitude. I get so scared and sad and lonely and outrageous and as soon as it starts to move beyond my scope of understanding, I get still, quiet, grateful.. reminded! The books work. The fear, sadness and pain sent me searching for answers and the saying goes “when the student is ready the teacher appears”. Not only did I find what I was looking for but I put it into practice. I have never asked God to remove the hurtles only to train me how to clear them. They used to be so huge it felt like I’d need a ladder to overcome the obstacles but now I’m an Olympian 💪🏾. I keep this running diary for several reasons.. I know this isn’t a popular platform anymore so I feel safe but also not like an over-sharer and because i can come back here and having proof that I’m alive by way of growth. I literally just had a full blown panic attack and calmed myself down in a matter minutes. This shit used to take physical pain, dramatic outbursts, talks from my dad, aunt or friends, days, medicine, drugs, hospitalization and now it’s a few deep breaths and succession of positive thoughts of my choosing. I’m proud asf of this fight I have for a good mf life. I am gonna get it, God be my witness 🙏🏾

[lovesaadiqa]

We're getting closer <3

My depression sent me searching for answers on ways to change my mind. I can see clear as day how my thoughts are controlling my emotion and why I'm identifying who am with what I feel. Looking for answers, namely about how other people seem to be able to endure life better than me. Through my sadness, I became intrigued on the why of my actions, why this particular thought pattern, why this type of self-talk, by the response que. Naturally I craved a therapist but financially I had to find another way so I started reading. The very first book was emotional intelligence 2.0.. I can't remember the author but I believe I made entry on here about it. Anyway, it was too technical and hard for me to digest so I went look for popular books about the mind and Jen Sincero's how to be a bad ass made something click.

Almost 4 years later, several books, podcasts, quotes, tik toks, etc. I realize I'm praying for my spiritual journey and said enlightenment. It's slick scary how fast I get confirmation that it's on its way. Today I was on a post from a guy named Alan Watt and a guy in the comments said once you're on your way there is no turning back and you can't undo it, said it was scary. The "it" refers to learning to sit in the "seat of self". I can never forget how it felt when I realized this feeling of suicide I keep coming in touch with is not a physical death but one of my old way of thinking, my old self, the person I build to survive my fears, to ease the pain of life. Fuck her lmao fr. Being scared is weak asf and keeping me from living my life to the fullest. Untethered Soul was the book for me!!! I have damn near 20 new, unread books but this one is a go-to guide for meeeeee. When people say "keep going" just let life guide and you just go. Im so grateful I keep reading, keep reaching for understanding because I know it will click, I can fucking feel it.. I just need the disciple to form new habits to stay in it.

Im excited but praying Im in the right mindset. I want to experience my spiritual growth consciously, I want to be present in those pivotal, life changing, tiny moments that can go unnoticed when you there's a shit ton of mind chatter. I'm excited to see how life will unfold for me now that im attempting to become a willing participant.

For my future self:

You are going to slip up but don't beat yourself up, have grace and patience with yourself my baby. knowing is half the battle and we're getting there, its' beginning to click. Be patient and here are a few good quotes

"Let creation settle its own affairs. We must learn to accept the workings of creation without weeping or sorrow. Since, one way or another always works out best."

"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

"Living Purposely is taking responsibility for consciously creating goals, identifying the actions necessary to achieve them, making sure our behavior is in alignment with our goals, and paying attention to the outcome of our actions so that we see whether they are leading us where we want to go."

Relax and Release. One low resistant happy thought for 17 secs.

"God will always take care of you, you must take care of your mind."

[lovesaadiqa]

; outthink your feelings.. for me, for us

[lovesaadiqa]

here cause I need to be but I don't wanna write. ion't wanna admit it to myself. feel like shit though, again. alone, again. unloved, again. tired, again. sad, again. feel like running, again! read me a couple books, I always land in the pages of someone else thoughts when mine are too much. escapism when all else fails but im choosy about what I ingest when im scared to face life. it's always a book that tells me im a weak bitch by choice or Abraham hicks or I hate you by Sza. im learning slowly about the insecurity other people introduce into my vibration when I want to "vent" so my stubborn ass aint answered my phone or called nobody in almost 10 days. you know I read that women complain about their problems to be comforted/heard & men do it for answers/solutions. fuck it, I aint telling nobody my problems but me, people really leave when I open up, when I decide to be vulnerable, when I show the scars, talk about the pain, ask for help, they mf leave me. im never good enough, too damaged, too painful, too angry.

anyway, first book was "the subtle art of not giving a fuck" - the most important thing I learned was thinking of every situation like someone left a baby on my step. Whether the baby arriving is my fault or not I am responsible for the baby and my actions are 1000% my choice.. I have a choice in how to deal. The baby signifies hardship, conflict, dilemmas, negativity and trauma. how the fuck are you going to deal? it also gives an equation for identifying whether I have good or poor values and how to measure said value against my beliefs. I want my brand to be "constant composure" (phrase also coined from a book "7 days in June") a bitch don't wanna be rocked by anything. if me and 1.8 million ppl got the same "baby" i want to be #1 in handling it with a sense of urgency, grace and full composure.

second is "untethered soul" - I learned about how to listen to and feel my emotions from a conscious awareness point of view. give the voice I hear in my head a body and set her next to me like a bff. the idea to see how wacky and all over the place your bff is, why she exists and why you allow her to manipulate how you deal. there's also pulling back from the tv.. its like understanding how into a movie you can be that you feel you're in it but in reality your sitting in your living room.. your mind is fully encompassed by what is happening in the movie. the idea is to pull back from you life, still watch the movie but notice the coffee table, the traffic outside, the couch.. it's understanding that there is still so much going on around you but you're too consume to see it, you think youre apart of the movie "the emotions, feelings, thoughts and senses" when all actuality you're just watching it. this concept is so heavy for me and needs so much more discipline for me to grasp it but there is away to watch my emotions and not become a part of them or believing they're me.

growth is a bitch! I want it, badly. I learn all these ways to heal my inner child and adopt better behavioral practices and how to change my perspective but in the moment.. instinctual reaction or a destructive behavioral pattern. shut yo ass out fast asf no matter what I stand to lose. I hate it bad, the lack of self control.. eww.

faced with leaving my place and I see all ten kinds of attachment issues showing face. tryna teach myself to ask where the emotions are coming from when I experience something and right now it's discomfort. I know all too well what thats like and the idea of having to live through that again is blocking my energy. I've realized I need to make myself my home not no carpeted 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2 story townhouse, me! after I pushed everyone away all that's left is admitting im running from me! I need to find a way to be ok no matter what's in front of me.. no matter where I go I should feel that 2 story glass penthouse vibe within me.. utter joy. a bitch scared as hell but I'd be a fool to not understand that im chained to this daunting life lesson and cannot move until I figure it out. letting that sink in is leaving me a fucking fist full of tears.

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin

[lovesaadiqa]

I went down the rabbit hole of my emotions and let them get the best of me for 10 days.. shit I don't even know if im in the clear all the way but this is best I've felt since the 20th. Talking to the people closest to me confirmed what I already thought, I'm going through a spiritual journey and it is unsettling how much I need to grow, where to start and understanding myself through it all. All the advice: sit still alone, trust yourself, help other people and forgive. What has always worked for me isn't anymore and I need new coping skills. Learning about my lil baby feelings is something else too. Im super impulsive and reflection makes me hate the way I fall apart over the silliest shit. Gaining better insight on my emotions, why they exist and what they are telling me is where I'm at. I want my head right! After I come through what I go through I ALWAYS tell myself I could have handled myself better but when im tried again, I result back to my old patterns and it's a nasty business. Im the fuck mean and I need to control that shit. Everyone doesn't deserve my ass to kiss. Talking to my brother I realized I've put up wall after wall telling myself I was protecting me from other people hurting but in actuality I've become very distant and isolated. I feel like it's a sorry excuse to not challenge myself to maneuver people's bullshit, learn to better communicate and respect my own boundaries. Shit the things I do to "protect" myself is doubly hurting other people making me the exact person I am trying to avoid. Men are a problem too.. I want them to do the work and it aint working. Im not loving myself he way I want to be loved and I know first hand people treat you how you treat yourself. Self-love is journey worth exploring because just saying it aint shit. I will jump for other people but procrastinate for my own shit. That shit don't play out right because when I let me down it's one thing but when other people do it I have a heart attack and it ultimately means im putting my welfare in someone else's hands and I regret it every time. All I got is me and bitch slick doing everything to prove myself otherwise, its got me spinning. I am constantly underwhelmed and let down every time someone falls short because I won't stand up and I need to STAND THE FUCK UP!

[lovesaadiqa]

9/12/22

Yellz is here!!!!! I hate a mental malfunction after some fuck nigga tried tf living fuck out of me and this bih pulled up on the kid. I need her real bad but luckily it wasn't just to dump my shit on her, I realized she needed me and this mini vacay just as bad. She came in this hoe cleaned up for me, cooked for me, talked me down, built me up, I mean I have an entire plan for the rest of the week. Like friend I love you much and I can't explain how much you mean to me. She is currently sitting across from eating and getting me the silent treatment because she doesn't want to go home.. I should sabotage her by cancelling her flight mwhahahaha. Selfish asf, I know but baby gotta go home and make her own board and be who she is to me, to herself. I didn't have to much to journal about but like I said this was on my "get - to" list. I don't think she understands how much power she wields to be able to loan out her strength and past experiences to me. A fucking big dawg, fuckyoutalmbout! I just don't want my baby participating in her own heartbreak. I have to journal again tonight so for now, ciao

[lovesaadiqa]

Hurting People

I had to ask myself why am I so mean? Why do I hurt people?

I don't trust im protected. I don't know to work through pain in a healthy way. It's giving very much "get them before they get you because all people are painful". Im very much judgmental and am I understanding now it's my own insecurity and victim mindset. I was going through some real painful shit and I was beginning the process of hating someone. My Dad told me God doesn't make the sun shine for just me, He loves the person I wanted to hate just as much as he loved me. It infuriated me cause I had to admit God thought this person to be perfect, same as me. It hurt to let that sink but I replayed those words today for unjustly judging someone because I deemed them hard to deal with. This come full circle for me because I'd prefer people try to understand me prior to labeling me, now is that how it happens? Fuck no.. I still get judged but at some point I thought I the smart thing was "if you can't beat em, join em" and that's sucka shit if I may say so myself. Like dead a fraud, like you know you soft, lovey dovey, silly, caring, affectionate, loyal, emotional, tender as fuck and really just want to be accepted fr, loved fr. Cant nobody accept a fraud tho bro!!! People learned to love the costume I put on as a coping mechanism not I have this terrible fear of taking it off!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE to surrender, I have to take the armor off, it's weighing me down and the worst part about all of it, im attracting people who have a common energy with my fucking costume. I need to attract the lovey dovey, loyal, silly you know. This is as fucking draining as it should be, cause NOW a bitch ready to let her guard down. Like literally ready to be alone, choose a new tribe, respond different, lean into who tf I am, teach myself how to hurt, process emotions better, get really really good at losing. I can change how I respond to my triggers, I can choose boundaries and honor them hoes out of self love, worth and respect. I know im powerful as fuck when im focused but I've allowed my breakup to cloud my head space by way suppression. I know I can train my mind to be stronger than my emotions. This past 18 months I wasted my time, life and energy cause I didn't want to face the rejection or genuinely allow myself to grieve at all. 18 months later and still gotta do the work. Big grace for myself because im proud I finally got the hell on however, it's really important for me not ever again in my natural life take 18 months to shake back from shit, I KNOW I can train my mind. I love my ability to know how to learn a bitch just gotta be a bit more intentional with a shit with a ton more fucks to give about other fucking people. The best way I can show up for anyone is in full love and acceptance of myself. Hurt people hurt people so I gotta heal myself all the time, every time, over and over again. Hurt people have an energy they carry and it won't align or attach the type of people I want to be surrounded by. I want some really good people around me, I want to grow exponentially and I won't attract those people, places or things that will start the process, until I fucking heal.

[lovesaadiqa]

Shadow Work Prompts

In what ways were my needs not met as a child?  How is that affecting me today? -- I didn’t feel protected as a kid.  Identity was hijacked by “baby sitter” because my mom worked 2 jobs and my dad was in jail so their kids became my responsibility.  I didn’t have my own space, privacy, clothes or life.  I had parents but my dd was gone and I had a mother but not a mom in the since she didn’t teach me about my hair, boys, skincare, makeup, swimming, bike riding etc.  I felt she only cared I do good in school and watch her kids. -- As an adult, Im blindly selfish, I question my self-esteem and my confidence seems flighty or contingent upon what’s happening in life when Im asked.  I really rebellious, stubborn and holding it on my mom.  I have always believed my mom loved her other 2 kids more than me.  I vowed to make sure she never had the chance to love me again when i moved to delaware and stood on it.  Now though, I expect for someone to love me while i also use all my love on me too.  

Are there any parts of my childhood trauma i believe is my fault?  Why do I think that was my fault? -- I felt like i was older than all the other girls but knew way less than I should.  i couldn’t participate in the tampon, virginity, sneaking out convo because all that I’d learned came from my friends.  Me not being able to have an opinion created a belief that I was as good as the other girls because they knew more, instilling a belief that they were better than me.

In what ways are my childhood trauma playing out today? --im super insecure.  i also doubted that i’ve ever experienced true love so i question myself love alot.  i cling to romatic relationships to avoid myself, its easier to have someone else to focus on.  i havent been able to hold down a job ever, i just dont have any consistency.  I feel like im always in the same space no matter the attempsts i make to change or upgrade my life. 

If I could give my ex advice on dating me what would I tell them? -- 

Is there a part of me Im ashamed of letting people see?  What age did I start to hide that side of myself?  What made me start hiding that part of myself?

[lovesaadiqa]

hey sis.  i love you.  your head space has been cloudy and I see you scrambling to get it right.  heard you ask your dad if you’d have to do this [fight depression] for the rest of your life, it has introduced a new level of fear huh?  so I wanna say, if you must, it’s best to be prepared Saadiqa, don’t allow your reckless emotions or unconscious mind catch you off guard.  if you know to buy a coat before winter and to transfer money to your landlord, you have to prep you mind in the same manner.  it’s been a lot, I know and at time when you’re just starting to see the day break.  be encouraged baby, breathe and nourish the space you need to care for yourself.  life is moving fast but you don’t have to!  slow down, I can see you about to spin out.. you don’t deserve it, you can’t afford it and you can do this.  I love the living shit out of you XOXO