loving-drlane

[loving-drlane]

August 2nd 2019

I’ve been doing better, really. I colored my hair and trimmed it up and I feel better. Except I’m on dating sites because I didn’t choose to be single.

4 lesbians at long active on dating sites. 4 times I’ve felt panic that you will fall in love with them. Especially Kailey, she looks like your type.

I hate you for doing this to me. I don’t think I’ll ever even hear from you again, you didn’t even respond to my text agreeing with the breakup. I wanted you to have the guilt lifted if you felt any. I’m a dumbass.

-B

[loving-drlane]

July 29th 2019

I miss you today, but less of a sharp stab and more of a dull ache.

I hope you are doing well, I hope you love me, and I hope you miss me. Do you think of me? Do you still hurt? Still have panic attacks of what you are giving up? Are you seeing anyone else? What kind of cadaver do you have?

I keep reading that sometimes a breakup is amazing for a relationship, you both get a new perspective, a new independence.

I hope that's us. I know there are no guarantees, but thanks for the growth anyways.

-Baibeeb

[loving-drlane]

July 28th 2019

A year ago today, I showed up 45 minutes late to meet a gorgeous and patient girl at stonewerks who had on this gorgeous black dress with glitter sprayed on her chest.

You probably don’t remember that, but I do. I remember the way you laughed and how you ordered the Mac and cheese with lobster. I remember you noticing the waitress you previously hung out with was there and I remember your side pain acting up, making us end things sooner than I wanted. But maybe the mall tomorrow with your sister? Ah, so you did like me, you were really just hurting.

Is this like that? You really do love me, it’s just all too much? I get a call years from now that you’re ready and you want me?

I hope so, but I think that hope will destroy me.

I love you baby, with everything in me. Please come home, you won’t regret it.

[loving-drlane]

July 27th 2019

I cried all morning over you. Looked up hundreds of articles of "right person, wrong time" or "how to get someone back that doesnt want a realationship". Only to read articles and think "no you don't understand she isn't like everyone else, she really DOES love me, she just wants whats best, she just can't commit right now, but it's love, it's love, it's love it's.."

It's love, right? Not a "I didn't want to hurt you so I tell you I love you" thing? It really is you..and not me?

I search our text messages for a sign that this was coming..and I all I find are signs that it wouldn't. Plans we would talk about with you starting, your fear that I would leave you. Or was it hope that I would leave you? Hope that you wouldn't be the one to axe us.

I miss you so increadibly much each day. You have no idea how badly I want to text you and ask how medical school is or call you and hear your laugh. I miss your laugh, the one you would make when I said something cheesy or dumb.

Our love was real, wasn't it? If you found yourself longing to love someone you would surely find you way back to me, wouldn't you?

I hope so. I hope so every day, please don't be in love with someone else.

[loving-drlane]

July 26th 2019

You sent me a birthday text yesterday, and not just a “happy birthday” because no, I could have handled that. No I had to get a custom paragraph about frenchies and corgis with a “I’m thinking about you today” attached. Do you know how fucked that is? It messed me up. I had a great morning and then felt like I got punched in the gut reading that.

I wanted to not respond and leave you hanging, I wanted you to lack the satisfaction of feeling like you did a good thing texting me. I half thought you wouldn’t.

I want you to come home, I hope you change your mind but the more I read your last declaration to me, the more I know it won’t happen. You don’t see a future with me, at all. So what? You just won’t date at all in medical school? What a lonely existence, it can’t be your entire life, baby. It can’t. I hope you see other people pull it off and realize that you miss me. I know you won’t, okay? I know, but a girl can dream.

I blew out 3 sets of candles for my birthday this year, and since me writing this isn’t officially telling anyone..between you and me.. I wished for us. And not just us but a happy us. Together. That’s selfish to include someone else’s will in my wish but I couldn’t help myself.

I went to a bar yesterday with a girl named Taylor. She’s a lawyer in town and she’s a good mix of educated and country. Under other circumstances.. she’d be perfect. We talked for hours and then she invited me to her house to watch TV. I should have known better. We fucked, obviously. I didn’t want it, not really but I was drunk and I thought it would make me feel better. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. I cried during the sex. I cried and said your stupid fucking name under my breath. You ruined me. I used to have this insane sex drive and there was something about this attractive woman being into me that I found repulsive and the sex repulsive. It felt like cheating and made me realize I’d rather be alone if I can’t have you. At least right now.

So much for my serial monogamy, you ruined it for me. And you’re never coming back, did you even really love me?

I’m less sure each day.

[loving-drlane]

“In the future, if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again… fall in love with me.”

— Colleen Hoover

[loving-drlane]

July 22nd 2019

Here's the thing.. fuck you.

I saw the pictures of your white coat and it made me feel like I wanted to vomit. You looked so fucking adorabale in your white coat. You're going to be an amazing doctor and you don't want that with me.

I can't stop talking to your fucking mom. She says she won't tell you but idk if I believe that or not, I know natalie would tell her all the time not to tell you things and you would get a phone call directly after, I know how close you to are.

I am heartbroken and I want to hate you. I want to go on dates and meet new people and I want you to miss me. I want you to feel the lack of having someone who would have loved you and supported you in whatever way you needed.

You are a coward. You caught a glimpse of something good and someone who wanted something real with you and you ran. Because you didn't know if you wanted that, if you wanted someone loving you. If you would have to think about anyone but your fucking self.

You were the one who asked me out, why the fuck did you do that? Why the hell did I have to have the term "girlfriend" if you were never going to want anything more? I committed to you for no reason, you wasted a year of my life. A year that I took care of your sick ass and your stomach and comforted you with not gettitng into medical school and the second your life got better you fucking booked it. You moved on because you think you're above me.

We were in a long-term relationship, you idiot. And you went and decided what was best for us without including me in the conversation, that's not how this works.

You broke my heart, and you probably don't even care. It probably doesn't affect you at all, you're too busy moving on with your amazing new life in medical school. I hope it's all that it's cracked up to be.

Fuck you, because I love you and I still want you to come home. Fuck you because I would take you back today if you called. And fuck you, because you probably won't. I'm not sure you will even remember to reach out in a couple of months to talk to me, I may have escaped your mind by then.

Fuck you.

[loving-drlane]

July 15th 2019

You dropped off your key today and I did something ridiculous. I went to a psychic. A PSYCHIC. He looked at two pictures of us and..he got it nail on the head. He said you were clouded and held back in our relationship, that some big stress or change prevented you for committing fully.

It was medical school of course. He said lots of other things but also that I should move on in my life and that you had abandonment issues ( wtf? Idk about that) but that in a few months once you thought you’d lost me you’d come running back. You don’t seem like the type, but regardless that’s what I’m going to do. Just give you space to miss me and see if you like life without me, I think you will, but I can’t help but hope I’ll get a call from you in two months wanting to come home.

I love you baby. I’m so heartbroken that I won’t be at your white coat or be able to ask you about your first day. I’m heartbroken it will be another birthday I spend alone.

I’m heartbroken. I want you home, do you even miss me? I hope you do, I hope some part of you longs for my arms around you at night or for my silly butt taps as you walked up the stairs.

Youre the one I wanted forever. I hope I can still have you one day.

I love you baby, I’m just gonna breathe through it.

-Baibeeb

[loving-drlane]

July 11th 2019

You broke up with me yesterday, and I was completely blindsided. I guess I won’t be writing in this anymore. You said you need space to think and I’m going to give it to you, but I know you aren’t going to change your mind.

Youve been my most favorite adventure, thank you for all the happy times and for all your love during the not so happy times.

This hurts so terribly, but I love you enough to let you go.

Love always,

Bailey

[loving-drlane]

June 30th 2019

Baby.. I’m so sorry. I totaled my car last week and I have been.. awful to you. I’m lashing out and taking out all of my anxieties on you and it’s not fair. I’m reaching out to my doctor and he’s uping my anxiety meds and I still have the appointment with the therapist. I’m going to get better, I have to. You deserve the world and you need someone to support you through medicine so I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

I hope this vacation is a good thing for us. The lack of stress should help to bring up closer together. I love you to the moon and back baby. I hope you know that, even when I’m losing my mind. Things are going to get better, I know it.

-Baibeeb.

[loving-drlane]

June 20th 2019

We’re about to go to Turks and Caicos and you’re about to move into your apartment. I’m so frustrated but mostly because I won’t be able to help you. I want to help move you in and get you ready for your next adventure but between nursing school and work I don’t have the time, I hope you’ll forgive me for that.

You’re about to start baby! Are you as excited as I am? I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to be the best SO through this and I think I have a few tricks up my sleeve to make this all easier. I’m actually scheduled to see a therapist when we get back, I think it’ll be good to see someone and get out all of my emotions because the last thing I was to do is stress you out, medicine should be the only thing doing that.

Until next time my love!

-B

[loving-drlane]

June 2nd 2019

I started nursing school and fuck.. you’re the most amazing girlfriend ever. I lost George and you’ve been unbelievebly caring and loving. I’m so hecking lucky to have you baby, you have no idea.

You’ve been so supportive and loving and I know I’m being difficult. I can’t wait to do the same for you. You’re going to be the most amazing doctor and I’m going to love you through it all.

-Baibeeb

[loving-drlane]

May 2nd 2019

Hey there sweetheart,

You found out you got off the waitlist two days ago and I’m so incredibly excited for you to start on your adventure to medical school. I feel like this journey will be interesting for both of us, you going into medicine and me starting my nursing degree in two weeks, so why not blog about it and show you when you’re done?

I’m hoping to capture all this highs and lows so that when it’s over we can look back at what went into making us the professionals we will come out of this as.

I’m so proud of you baby, I can’t wait for you to start. I’m not sure how often I’ll update this, hopefully at least once a month, if not more.

I love you to the moon and back!

-Baibeeb