lovingmyselftheblog

[lovingmyselftheblog]

6.12.22

Feeling discouraged tonight.

I’m tired of looking at my body and hating what I see. I’m of wondering if the way my body looks is holding me back -- from happiness, from opportunities, from relationships, from confidence, from everything!

And I’m tired of making excuses. Of sabotaging my chances of achieving the body I want. Is it because I’m afraid of success? Of loneliness? Of intimidating people? What am I afraid of that’s preventing me from just doing this thing once and for all? 

I know I like a tough workout. And I know I like healthy food. I know that making healthy choices builds trust with myself. And that trust builds confidence. This is important. Its the choices -- not the outcome -- that make me feel better. Healthy choices feel like acts of love. They’re how I know I have my own back. My integrated adult self knows when to be flexible and when it’s best to stick to a routine. 

Last year, I let myself off the hook for awhile. There were bigger things to tackle, other items on my plate. Those are gone now. This year is about me. It’s about taking care of me -- mind, body, spirit. Personally and professionally. Getting myself to the happiest, healthiest most whole and grounded place I can be. 

Healthy decisions bring my closer to my center. They keep me stable. Simplifying my choices gives me the brain space I need to focus on writing, creating, and building the future I want for myself. 

I can do this. I can get everything I want, including the body of my dreams. I’m done letting anyone get in my way. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

4.14.22

I haven’t been sleeping well this week.

In times like this, I’m reminded of my struggles with moderation.

I like to move a million miles an hour or not at all. The in-betweens leave me feeling inefficient and unproductive. If I’m not functioning at maximum capacity and speed, then what’s the point? 

I want to do nothing at all, but that’s not really a viable option. Not only because there’s work to do, but because I putting off important tasks is only a recipe for more restless nights. I care about the conditions I create for my tomorrow self. I don’t want her to wake up at 2AM in a panic, feeling like she’s already running out of time. 

So today I remind myself that moving slowly is better than not moving at all.

That today’s “good” might not be “great” but it’s something. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

4.11.22

I have a big project I’ve been avoiding.

I told myself I’d work on it this weekend. Instead, I rearranged all of the items on my kitchen countertop 15 times, only to discover that I preferred the way I styled them the first time. Then, I watched a YouTube vlog about a girl’s “chin implant” journey [editor’s note: I am not interested in getting a chin implant]. I made overnight oats. I plucked my eyebrows. I did the New York Times mini crossword. Then, I read my horoscope. 

It said: “Be sure you get any leftover work out of the way, because soon you'll probably be even busier.”

Did I take this as a sign to get to work? No. I chuckled, said “astrology is silly” and carried on with my nonsense. Namely, I organized the condiment section of my fridge, Googled “2005 summer camp aesthetic,” revisited the top hits of the band “Boys Like Girls” and took this mirror selfie. 

There’s no moral to this story. My project still isn’t done, and I don’t have a handy lesson I can use to tie this post up with a bow. Just an acknowledgment that I can be a real piece of work sometimes. Sometimes high-functioning anxiety looks like productivity and poise; other times it looks like a chin implant rabbit hole and over-plucked eyebrows. It’s called balance, ok?! 

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m off to read my horoscope. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

4.8.22

I’m unlearning the belief that I need to earn the things I want. 

Rest. Quality time with friends. Travel. Cheese. Things I could only have if I first proved to myself that I’d worked for them -- that I deserved them.  

If this sounds like a recipe for misery, that’s because it is. As it turns out, I don’t have a reliable measure for how much work is “enough.” The expectations and standards only seem to get higher, and the list of permitted “indulgences” only shrinks.

It dawned on me recently that nobody’s looking over my shoulder to make sure I’ve “earned the right” to grab a coffee with a friend or pursue a hobby. Success isn’t really success if it makes you miserable, and enjoyment of life shouldn’t have to be earned.

I see now that I had it backwards the whole time. “Because I want it” is actually so much more powerful than “because I earned it.” It’s the difference between abundance and scarcity. Permitting and restricting. 

I’m giving myself permission now. In ways big and small. It’s still new, and I don’t know what the end result will be, but I hope to look back in a few weeks, months, years, and know I built exactly what I wanted. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

3.28.22

For more than thirteen years, the same question has weighed on me. 

Where does Generation Spirit end and I begin? 

I’ve never landed on an answer. After turning over the question in my head, I usually resign to the idea that this fusion of personal and professional identity is normal when you start your career at fifteen. 

Generation Spirit has occupied nearly half my life now, entering the scene long before most of life’s major milestones. Getting my driver’s license. Meeting my first boyfriend. Graduating from high school and college. Moving away from home. Getting a dog. The ever-present backdrop to the millions of little moments that make a life.

Last fall, I accepted my first full-time role with GenS (a first after more than a decade of squeezing it into the margins of life as a student and young professional). The leap both excited and terrified me. I knew I needed to face my big question once and for all.

Where does Generation Spirit end and I begin? 

I knew I wouldn’t be able to find the answer to my question without help. So at the beginning of the year I signed on to work with Anna Vatuone, a personal brand coach. I told her I wanted to create a space where I could talk about having a sibling with a disability. To share stories about my journey as a young founder (not just the highlight reel but also the tough behind-the-scenes realities of what really went down in those early years). I wanted to show up as a more integrated and complete version of myself, where GenS is part of the picture but not always taking up the full frame. 

I’ve reached the point in my process where it’s time to stop talking about it and start being about it. So this week, I’m embarking on a weeklong one-post-per-day challenge with my friends at personalbrandaccelerator. It feels scary and vulnerable and little bit like standing on the edge of a cliff, but at the same time I know I’m exactly where I need to be. 

Let’s do this. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.28.22

It took a long time for me to get here. 

To a place where change no longer feels like an option but a mandate. 

There is no going back, only forward. 

All I can do is honor who she was, how hard she fought, how fiercely she loved. I can remember her, and fondly. But I cannot be her anymore. 

And that’s ok. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.23.22

If something’s an honest reflection of how you’re feeling in the moment, share it. 

And don’t delete it later.

Even if your feelings change. Even if your mindset shifts. 

If it makes you cringe later, that’s simply a sign that you’re growing. And we love to have a paper trail for that growth. 

Keep digging for that honesty. And keep speaking that honesty to the world. It will only bring you closer to the things that are meant for you. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.22.22

Get Rich Exercises: Faith and Gratitudinal Gold

Five things that bum me out and why I’m grateful for them:

1. Ross’s Death -- had I not gone through the experience of grieving Ross, I’d feel completely ill-equipped to support my mom as she works through Jennifer’s death. I also know in my heart of hearts that Ross wasn’t the right person for me. So even though I liked him and I was attracted to him and his death was completely tragic, it set me on a path of self discovery and love and healing that I probably wouldn’t have started had he not taken his own life. I’m approaching life with fresh perspective and a deeper soulfulness than I did before, and that’s a lovely gift.

2. My Dad’s Personality Disorder - My dad is helping me learn to set boundaries and stay in-tune with myself. These are skills that support me across all of my personal and professional relationships. His challenges give me the opportunity to exercise my empathy, too. 

3. Taking Care of Charlie - the knowledge that one day Charlie and I will cohabitate just the two of us is a powerful reminder that I need to live my life and work toward my dreams NOW. My life doesn’t end when I take over his care, but I’m grateful for the extra push to build the life I want now. 

4. My body - It does so much for me every day. My body holds Tucker. My body walks me to places I enjoy. It soaks up the sun. It hears music. It stretches. It bends. It tastes. It keeps me moving forward. It supports my big ol’ brain. It’s not holding me back, it’s supporting me in my pursuit to get everything I ever wanted. 

5. My Perfectionism - My perfectionist part works so hard to protect me. To keep me safe and grounded. She has gotten me to where I am today. She keeps my home nice and tidy and my pup well-behaved. She knows how to put together a classic outfit and she has a great eye for home decor. She keeps me from being over-indulgent and under-disciplined. She’s an essential part of me and I wouldn’t be who I am without her. 

And ten more things I’m grateful for: 

1. PBA! I’m learning so much and appreciating this investment in myself.  2. My amazing family, especially my mama (nuff said)  3. My little baby Babadook (who is my sunshine on a cloudy day and my favorite living creature on this planet)  4. My apartment - my little safe haven and the way it’s coming together 5. My income - it allows me freedom to travel and buy fancy groceries 6. My beauty - I’m a cutie patootie if I’ve ever seen one 7. My skills and talents - God has blessed me with the ability to write, speak, and give meaningfully to the world 8. Friends like Kate Coll and Allison Good - the ride or dies who always have my back (and always keep it real)  9. My Whitman College education  10. Living in Iowa - my people are right here and there’s Target less than 10m away at all times lolz

Five reasons I have faith in myself: 

1. I’ve got the goods  2. I want to succeed for the right reasons - to make the world a better place 3. I’ve broken the mold before and I know I can do it again 4. I’m willing to put in the work 5. I’m simply worthy of a luxurious and fulfilling life

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.17.22

It appears as though I’ve put myself into a box.

I want to be successful, to excel at my pursuits. I want to be remarkable, impressive, and aspirational.

And yet, I feel like I’m not allowed. That it’s greedy or vain or wrong to want a big, dazzling life of leadership and power. The truth is, I feel best when I’m in positions where I can lead, inspire or empower others. I feel like I need to justify my desire for success by saying it’s for other people. That it’s because I want to help people. And that’s true! But isn’t it ok to just want it for myself? Isn’t it ok to enjoy it? In fact, isn’t it BEST to enjoy it? 

Whether it’s giving a talk to a group of high school students, conducting a GenS training, sharing the details of my day-to-day life with friends, or talking big picture visions with GenS’s strategy team, I feel most in my element when I am in a position to inspire and lead. When I’m storytelling. When I’m in deep conversation or deep creative flow. That’s what I crave. That’s what I want more of. 

I’m working with Carla on thinking about my little self. On giving her permission to be her fully-expressed, creative, imaginative self. I want to tell her that she can and should read. That she can and should play the piano. She doesn’t need to make herself smaller to make others more comfortable. 

Of course, my adult self needs the same reassurance. We will not be punished for our success. Success is our destiny. But in order to get where we’re going, we need to keep engaging in the things that feed our soul. That bring us closer to that higher calling. It doesn’t need to be for every second of every day. But we do need to develop routines and daily practices that support us in our ability to work our light. 

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO EXCEL. YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO BE SMART AND DEEP AND BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED AND FUNNY ALL AT THE SAME TIME. YOU ARE SMART AND DEEP AND BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED AND FUNNY ALL AT THE SAME TIME. YOU’RE A STAR. 

WHEN YOU FOCUS ON THE GOOD, THE GOOD GETS BETTER.

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.9.22

I’ve had serious anxiety going in to Valentine’s Day this year. Normally, I couldn’t care less about Valentine’s Day. It’s just not my bag. But this year is different. In August of 2021, I lost my romantic partner, Ross, to suicide. 

Needless to say, since Ross’s death, anything that gives off even the faintest whiff of romance feels like a punch to the gut. When I see a friend’s wedding photos or or hear a love song on the radio, I’m plunged back into the part of my brain that can’t stop turning over the details of our last conversation. The last text he sent. His last breaths. His waxy, lifeless face in the open casket at his wake. 

I don’t like this version of myself. It sounds silly to say, but I don’t “identify” as a person with a dead boyfriend. Never have I had experienced such trouble integrating a significant life event into my personal narrative. 

Instead, I’ve been desperately trying to rip the pages out of this last chapter. I tell the universe that I’m ready to “release” my grief, whatever that means. That I want my brain back, to focus on something more useful and less disturbing. I try not to talk about it. When people ask how-things-are-going-with-that-guy I just say, “Oh, unfortunately it didn’t work out.” 

Which brings me to today. I’m sharing this now because I know that February 14 isn’t all candlelit dinners and chocolate-covered strawberries. That life and love have ups and downs for all of us. The loss, the sadness, the shame, the guilt -- it’s all part of the narrative. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.9.22 (part 2)

A daily routine in alignment with my values.

4:45 Wake Up (feed Tucker, drink coffee, etc)  5:30 Gear Up  (Take Tucker out, get dressed)  6:00 Morning Movement (walking, stretching, pilates)  7:00 Get Ready (breakfast, hair + makeup)  8:00 Create (write, read, paint, post)  9:00 GenS Work (emails, calls, speech practice, etc.)  11:30 Lunch break  12:15 Gen S Work  3:00 Afternoon Movement (cardio and/or strength training)  4:00 Dinner 5:00 Unstructured flex time  6:00 Wind down 7:00 TV time 8:00 Bed time 

A few important reminders: 

Look at time on a macro level. You might not hit every item every day. But did you hit everything a few times each week? If so, you’re doing great. 

This is a guideline, not a rigid expectation. We love variety. We love responsiveness to the needs and desires of the day. Again, if we’re hitting what we need to hit on a weekly basis, we’re all good! 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.9.22

This week in PBA we’re exploring our core values. I think the three I’ve landed on for my personal brand are: 

- Compassion - Community - Influence 

At first, saying that influence was one of my core values made me feel icky. Mostly because of the current idea of what in “influencer” is and does. But I have to remember that there are content creators that I follow and enjoy who are doing much more than attempting to influence purchasing decisions. People like The Holistic Psychologist, Danae Mercer, and Noel Russ. This is the kind of thought leadership and influence I’m interested in participating in. 

I want to influence the way people think about disability. I want to influence the way people think about inclusion. But of course, I want to do so compassionately and gently. With humor. With poise. And I want to build a community in the process. 

Whether I’m posting content on my own social platforms, creating inclusive teams through Generation Spirit, or speaking to groups of students, my goal is to lovingly shake up the status quo and embolden people to think and live differently. Last night, before I fell asleep I thought to myself: I want to be the kind of person that people look at and think, “If she can do it, I can do it.” 

If she can do it, I can do it. 

Compassion Community Influence  It feels right. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

2.3.2022

90% of companies report having a focus on diversity.

Only 4% report having a focus on disability. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

1.31.22

In May of 2009, Taylor Swift was Seventeen Magazine’s cover girl.

The headline: “Taylor Swift: how she got over Joe Jonas and why she loves being single!”

You might be wondering why I remember this. It’s not because I considered Seventeen a sacred text for the majority of my teenage years OR because I’m a massive Swiftie (although both of those things are true). 

It’s because that particular edition of Seventeen was the first time I’d seen myself in a national publication. It was a teeny-tiny feature (couldn’t have been more than an eighth of a page), but it was a bigger accomplishment than I ever imagined would be possible for a fifteen-year-old from Bettendorf, Iowa.

On a whim, I had entered a national essay contest called “Why I Love My Team.” I wrote about my high school cheerleading team, and specifically about creating the Pleasant Valley Spartan Sparkles, an inclusive team designed to bring together students with and without disabilities. Seventeen not only put me in the magazine, but sent me on my first-ever trip to NYC to visit their headquarters and meet their editors.

Standing in front of Hearst Tower in my Old Navy trench coat and a blouse I’d borrowed from my mom, I really thought things couldn’t get any better. I thought I’d peaked.

In reality, it was just the beginning. I had no idea I’d spend the next thirteen years running a national organization, traveling the country, and sharing my passion for inclusion with thousands upon thousands of people. That I’d ultimately see myself in countless publications and on almost every major news network. 

And my girl Taylor Swift? It sounds like she’s been pretty busy since May of 2009, too.

The moral of the story? Whether you’re a newly-single pop sensation or an Iowan with a dream, remember this. You are at the very beginning of your next big story. So enter that essay contest. Make that pitch. Ask for that raise. Hire that coach. Soon you’ll look back and realize you accomplished more than you ever thought possible.

[lovingmyselftheblog]

1.28.22

My "day in the life” as the richest, happiest most successful version of myself: 

I wake up early, around 5:00 AM. I allow myself a slow morning to sip my coffee and snuggle my pup before the day begins. 

By 6:00, I’m ready to start the day with some gentle movement, like a walk or a pilates session. After that, it’s time to get dressed and ready for the day. I complete a skin and haircare routine that feels decadent and nourishing. I listen to my morning news. I make myself a nutritious and filling breakfast. 

My workday begins with a writing session and maybe some manifesting and reading. Between 8:30-9:00 I’m diving into emails and beginning the real work of the day.

That work may be a combination of things. I’m sharing content (on IG, LinkedIn and TikTok) that’s top of mind. I’m scheduling and planning for speaking engagements and practicing my talk. I’m presenting to schools, businesses, and family groups about inclusion and anti-ableist leadership. Maybe, I have a few 1:1 clients I’m working with. 

No two days are the same, but everything is on my terms and I’m setting my own pace. I’m in a position financially where my earnings are abundant. I’m able say “yes” to things that light me up and no to things that don’t without fear of financial repercussions. I’m busy, but still have balance in my life. I can take long, luxurious lunch breaks where I go lay out by the pool. I can run an errand or see a friend in the middle of the day if I want. 

Most weeks, I have a four day work week. That’s because -- on the days when I’m working -- I might be traveling, putting in long hours, and giving my work laser-like focus and intense energy. When I’m not working, I’m fully at rest. 

The work day ends between 3 and 4 PM. I begin my evening wind down with more movement, typically a walk outside with Tucker and (if he’s lucky) a trip to the dog park. Evenings are reserved for cooking delicious meals, listening to music, tending to myself and my home. By dinnertime, I’m ready to watch something fabulous on TV and enjoy a restful and restorative evening. 

I’m in bed by 8:00 and sleep like a baby knowing I’m in flow with myself, my desires and my purpose. 

How do I feel when I read that? Empowered Excited Peaceful Heartened Sacred

How much will this life cost?  $200K/year  Mantra I love earning $200K per year as a speaker, content creator and leader of Generation Spirit. It’s thrilling to feel like I’m contributing meaningfully to the larger disability rights movement. I’m at peace knowing that this work is sacred to me, and that I’m able to do it on my terms and with abundant wealth. I love that this life gives me the freedom to spend lots of quality time with my loved ones and my dog. It makes me feel so good to have the resources to take excellent care of my body and soul. This is the life I’ve always dreamed of, and it’s the life I deserve. 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

1.27.22 (Part 2)

Month in Review • Jan 2022 | January in Iowa is brutal. It’s dangerous to go outside, with harsh winds lowering the temperature to well below zero and a thick sheet of ice carpeting every walkway. I'm currently burrowed under a blanket on the couch, where I’ve spent the better part of this month. I can’t tell if Tucker misses his daily walks or if he’s secretly loving our new couch potato lifestyle. 

Despite the cold, I’ve made a few forward strides. A few weeks ago I moved to a new apartment. This is my first time living alone, an experience I’m falling more in love with every day. Professionally, I’m finally reengaging after taking a big step back to care for family during a series of medical crises that dominated the last 8 months. 

I realized recently that, while I’ve always put my work at the center of my life, I’ve never really put my life at the center of my work. In other words, you’ve heard me talk at length about what GenS does, but I seldom share my experiences (as a young founder, a sibling of someone with a disability) doing this work. I’ve joined the latest class of @PersonalBrandAccelerator in the hopes of developing a clear vision for how I might want to share my stories with the world. More on that soon. :) 

[lovingmyselftheblog]

1.27.22

Why did I sign up for PBA?  The simple answer is that I felt called to it. I was drawn to the way Anna shares her daily life. The authentic way in which she shares the ups and downs of life. When I went to the PBA website and saw that there were two days left to enroll in this class, it felt like divine timing. 

The larger answer is that I finally feel ready to put my work at the center of my life and -- perhaps even more important -- to put my life at the center of my work. To honor the experiences I’ve had during this 10+ year journey by sharing them. 

I’m beginning to understand that things happened the way they did for a reason. Things weren’t easy for a reason. I needed to walk through the fire so that I could ultimately serve my higher purpose. I believe that my higher purpose is to be a storyteller. Social media didn’t exist in the way it does today when I was getting started. I had to create my own blueprint. But it doesn’t have to be that way now. I can help others benefit from what I know.  

Who do I want to become at the end of my PBA journey?  I want to become a consistent creator. I want to be an authentic and vulnerable storyteller. I want to be a gentle educator, a guide, and a light to people who are embracing disability (either in their families or in their own lives) for the first time. I want to be a resource for young women and teens trying to align their passions with their purpose. 

I want to become the boldest, brightest version of myself. Unafraid to take up space. Proud to claim my corner of the internet. Confident that I’m contributing to something bigger. In flow with my desires and needs. 

Looks like I have my work cut out for me. ;)