machiavelliankaiser

[machiavelliankaiser]

I wish I could feel good. Even tho im better im struggling again with the state of of lt body. It stresses me. I hate how my hips feel in the bed..or how I wake up in stomach pain. I hate that needing to follow my routine so i feel okay, hinders my ability to help others. I am just so exhausted with me.

[machiavelliankaiser]

The way i am cornered and forced into being vulnerable and honest just to be punished for it, or be told ive offended, or hurt, or guilted someone after i already prefaced I do not speak on these things because I absoutely DO NOT want anyone to feel this way. Because they are my burdens, because I love them, I dont want them upset.. Just to have it held against me all the same everytime. How can you say I don't love you, even my most distance friends talk about how i only speak of you so highly, with some much care, admiration, and respect. You demandes my honesty, and I laid bare the weight of my problems with pleads for you to not be hurt: and you used it as the bullet to shoot me. You used it as the ammo on your crusade to feel personally offended about my lack of energy, personality, fears, and struggles.

Ill never know security. Thoose closest always come around just in time to remind me love and care is borrowed, earned, and spent.

[machiavelliankaiser]

I wish it wasnt proven to me time and time again it was, I want to love. I want to trust.

one important thing that Must be understood about interpersonal relationships is that you have to stop interacting with people who love you like they’re one slip-up away from leaving you. you have to trust that the ppl you love mean what they say. you have to believe that when they say “this hurt my feelings,” that they’re also saying, “can you please love me this other way next time?” and you have to wrap your head around the fact that even if you don’t understand Why someone loves you, you can accept that that they do. true, honest, & open love does not function like hp in a video game !!!!!!

[machiavelliankaiser]

One day you wake up and realize your nearly 24, you look at yourself in the mirror and become so aware of all the ways your face changed and hasn't. You look in the reflection and you find that 16 year old kid, still crying. At least there is some comfort in time and change. You can tell your old self "Mom got better, Your still just like your dad, Grandma is still around, you finally found love that matters and is real and will last. You get to be beautiful, you get to learn alot, you finally learned how to draw and you enjoy it so much. You've learned how much you love to watch the birds, you learned how smart you acutally are, and it is better."

But you also have to apologize. You have to be at peace with what you let down too. "We do get sicker, I thought we would die it gets so bad. You never lose the fear, you just grow into it. We haven't recorded any music like I said we would. We don't really have a best friend anymore, the isolation put us in a weird postion with most people. Im sorry we got skinny again, Im sorry we still have breakdowns, and Im sorry we sill feel lost."

But we are okay right? Through every change somehow im still here, Im still me. Im more me than I ever thought i would be. I think i found things and people that truly matter for my life and I think ill always have them around. Even with time moving and things going slow, its not like we ever truly stop right? Even a day where i do nothing, isn't a day I stopped. I survived. I prevailed. Im proud of that, im proud of living and the steps ive taken. Im even proud of my regrets, which were simply lessons. So yeah, Im 24 soon; so much older than I feel im ready to wear. But we made it, we will keep making it, and it will only get better.

[machiavelliankaiser]

thank u mother ♡

parents be like “i know my erratic anger is terrifying and traumatizing to you but you going to your room to feel safe is making me feel like shit”

[machiavelliankaiser]

[machiavelliankaiser]

stop asking me wyd i’m literally always thinking about love and how it touches every aspect of the human experience

[machiavelliankaiser]

i dont know how to stop feeling this way how to stop crying randomly worried for my dad but so anxious to get there and see him im fucking spiraling i have to just bare this burden and i want to vomit and scream. i missed the last two years of my dad being healthy and normal and holidays and life and i just feel so fucked up about it. I want to hig my dad so bad, i dont want him to be dofferent. i dont want travel to be stressfull i want to just be patted on the back and go and feel like its okay and good and we love eachother and i dont know im so scated i want ro be with him already but everytbung is always so mess3d up i cant catch a break om.so tired god please just let me see my dad with none of this horseshit

[machiavelliankaiser]

I keep thinking how much easier my problems would be if I had money. if I just had a thousand dollars right now, less even. I could be safe, I could be comfortable. I could be doing the right thing.

But instead I live in a world where i have to sacrifice such things to do the right thing, why?

why should I have to? Shouldn't such a thing be ushered and rewarded? I feel like niceties and care used to be common sense but now they are a measured expenditure of resources someone might not have, or can't justify. Its horrible, it makes me so sad.

[machiavelliankaiser]

I want to be stronger, not for just myself but for a world of people that need it. I want to strengthen myself so that even on my worst days, I can always have my hand open so I can usher in peace and love and tranquility for anyone around me who struggles. I want strength enough to make genuine positive change in my own circle everyday, and hope our actions as more whole and happy people can reflect outward on the world in a healing way. I want to swallow the pain I feel, not because i shouldn't feel it but because I don't want it to define my actions and path.

I have so many tools to be the best I can. I will use them, and I'll grow im body and mind everyday.

[machiavelliankaiser]

Its so unreal.. is it over..? Is it finally over? Can i breath, can i be right to hate him? Its so.. relieving and terrifying.

[machiavelliankaiser]

Im tired of days where im just fighting myself. I wake up and its a battle just to eat, just to feel okay, to move or do anything without am enamrous amount of effort. Im so exhausted from the emotional burden of despising the state of my body. I dont want to cry anymore, my face feels permantely sore and worn from the tears.

[machiavelliankaiser]

What tradgey was my life written to be

I dont want to let everything slip from my hands

[machiavelliankaiser]

Happy

Some One Piece devil fruit users as little animals :) 

[machiavelliankaiser]

I dont have to forgive you.

I honestly hate that everyone else has.

You being broke and hurt too wasn't ever an excuse. I was just as broke and hurt and I broke the fucking cycle myself.

It feels like betrayal. I hate everyone. Im not extending my energy to people anymore.

[machiavelliankaiser]

Sketchbook_jpeg on instagram

[machiavelliankaiser]

I dont want to lose my dad..