mademoiselleamour

[mademoiselleamour]

[mademoiselleamour]

"I don't get humans." I said with exhausting tone.

"Said someone who's also a human." she sarcastically replied.

"Exactly. That's why I don't get myself too."

"Okay..." she fixed the way she sitted and turn her body towards me in an attentive position. "...tell me what's bothering you. Where do you get that thought? And why do you say so?"

"They like to hurt each other , even themselves in any forms: physically, mentally, emotionally. But let me narrow things down and focus on emotions specifically the feeling of falling inlove — the thing that everyone can be stupid of."

"I know where this is going... But go on, please continue. I'm here to listen."

I inhale deeply and exhaled it harshly before I proceed. "I don't get it why do we have to fall in love with a person who doesn't feel the same way as we do? Why do some knock in our hearts, scatter the arrangement of our peaceful life and once they become part of it they suddenly leave? Why do people easily forget what they said/showed like a week or a month ago of how much they love you and then run in a sight of struggle? Why do some of us are wanting for more yet haven't figured out that they are the one who's giving less? Is it part of a relationship for your partner to cheat? Why do some are excited to enter commitment but won't be able to commit fully? And so many questions ahead. Urgh, I really don't get humans... Love is suppose to be heartwarming, relaxing, a home like feeling, heavenly and positive. Now it's being taunted, it gives a traumatic, stressing and misery experience."

She smiled at me and path my head. "Chill out, will you?"

"How can I be!?"

"I'm not a human so I don't know the feeling, but as someone who can see through it... I now understand. Your feelings are valid and so your thoughts too. You see, humans only want to see the beautiful part of life and ignore the ugly side. You are right that love is heart warming, relaxing, home like feeling and heavenly but not all the time. Misery, suffering and grief is the unknown side of love that everyone failed to recognized. Everyone are not only intended to witness and experience the positive, if you're able to accept it's beautiful side then you should also embrace it's dark side. That is life and that is love, that's what makes everything beautiful and equal. Positive always attracts negative and so negative to positive. Read between the lines. Negative in your love and life screams positivity ahead..

Finally, to answer some of your questions. We have to met those kind of people in order to know the value of ourselves and the amount of love we have to give. You will learn and grow through them. Just understand that they are finding themselves, unaware and sometimes innocent of what love could possibly be. Just let them be, being like that makes a person human, darling."

[mademoiselleamour]

"I know your love language."

I raised my eyebrows as I looked at her.

"I haven't figured it out myself. What do you think is it?"

"Words of affirmation? You love words alot and you expressed your heart aggressively with them."

"You think so?"

"Uhmm...yeah? But you're a quite type so it's really hard to justify. You may not be able to expressed them vocally but once you write them down, you got alot of things to say. Your mind is in mess to the point that you can't find the right words to talk it out, but if you have alot of time to do it, you were able to share it wonderfully."

"Love language are those you are willing to give and craving to get, aren't they? As for me I always thought it could be 'Physical touch' and 'Act of Service'."

"Why do you think so?"

"You said it yourself, I'm not expressive vocally. If I where near to the person I love I would rather be clinging or hugging him, brushing his hair with my fingers, leaning my head in his shoulders and yes, that probably includes kissing. I may not find the right words to say my heart out but surely I'll show it with acts. I didn't say giving gifts and quality time are not one of those languages I have. I love to consider buying things that he wants if I have the money to do so and nevermind to waste my time just to stick around him for a little longer."

"That's...cool."

"More like ideal. I won't be able to perfectly execute it if all the odds are against us and if he's not the type to reciprocate those acts. You know the rules: you give what you get."

[mademoiselleamour]

I'm pretty much aware that I'm not blessed with such beauty. Often times I isolate myself to people, trying to escape from comparisons and insensitive remarks; trying to elude myself from lighting up the small fire of jealousy inside my heart; trying to avoid trampling my own self-esteem.

I rarely, perhaps never, been sincerely complimented with my looks, instead I'm a cesspool of inconsiderate commentary from different people I met and from my own family.

I say I'm able to roam around countless cities and there I met alot of girls with undeniable and unique beauty and wonderful personalities. So I have no doubt why I become a insecure freak now. I've been surrounded by them yet I found myself drowning and feeling not belong.

However, it doesn't mean I'll be like this forever, does it? I may look down at myself in many ways but it doesn't mean I was deprived with the rights to held my head high and feel good about for being me.

I don't mean completely gaining my confidence back but instead caring less about their opinions. I'm still the type who prefers to isolate herself and keep a lowkey profile... but this time know that she has her own uniqueness.

[mademoiselleamour]

I miss him

[mademoiselleamour]

Instead of sharing my sad moments and feelings, why not the feeling whenever I'm happy?

[mademoiselleamour]

Someone that's good for someone like me.

[mademoiselleamour]

Shesh

[mademoiselleamour]

Wth is wrong with me?

I was determined to get a life without him around. Focus on my own growth, value myself more, draw a boundaries with what kind of man I want to have in my life and not planning to lower my standards anymore. I want to love myself and forget that I was once in a relationship with someone. To let the time run and let the destiny dictate my love story.

I thought I was ready for it and I made up my mind to do those things. However, why do I still miss him? Why do I have the urge to still hug him? Why do I have the urge to talk to him? To make amends with him? Why do I still have the urge to see him? Comeback to what we were? And give my love to him again?

This is fckng insane (╥﹏╥)

[mademoiselleamour]

.

[mademoiselleamour]

[mademoiselleamour]

[mademoiselleamour]

[mademoiselleamour]

It's been awhile since the last time I write about my relationship and the silent rants and cries. Haha I might not be able to do it again... I think the guy I'm talking about in my previous posts and I... Our relationship... has probably come to an end. *sadface

[mademoiselleamour]

I am never been fond of flowers. They are pretty, yes, but I'm not into them. But if ever someone ask me what is my favourite flower... I would probably say Sweet Pea and Daisy.

(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

It is his birth flowers. And I learned to love them and felt happy to see one because it simply reminds me of him.

[mademoiselleamour]

"Sino pa may kwento diyan?" dinig kong tanong ng isa kong baklang kaklase.

Naging pampalipas oras na ng section namin ang makinig sa talambuhay, lovelife at hinanakit ng kapwa namin mag-aaral. Maski nga ako eh nagiging chismosa narin at naeenganyo makinig sa kwento nila kahit hindi ko naman nasasaulo ang mga bagay na pinagsasasabi nila.

Ako yung tipo ng tao na mas pipiliing makinig kaysa mag kwento(vocally) . Ngunit sa puntong ito, dahil siguro sa sobrang tahimik at walang magawa eh naibuka ko ang aking bibig at nabanggit ang mga katagang...

"Ako meron, 3 yrs. tas LDR."

Gulat na napabaling sa akin si Xenyx at napatanong, "May jowa ka Giban?"

"Oo. Pero naghiwalay na kami... dejowk"

Pabiro ang pagkakasabi ko ngunit alam ko sa sarili kong papunta na doon ang kahihinatnan ng relasyon na namin. March 24 ngayon kaya March 23 kahapon, gusto ko sanang banggitin sakanila na kahapon lang yung anniversary namin pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. There's nothing to be proud of if you knew that the relationship you're talking about is about to fall apart.

"Dali kwento mo samin. Wag ka mahiya! Alam mo namang pass time ng section natin ang chismis."

Nag dalawang isip ako at ilang segundo hindi sila pinansin nag babakasakaling may mabanggit sila na makakapag pabaling sa usapan na hindi ako ang nagkwekwento. But to my dismay, walang nag balak.

Kaya pinagbigyan ko sila, salamat nalang din siguro at bilang lang sa daliri ang naririto ngayon. Mga nag sialisan ang iba kong kaklase at nag kanya kanya para maglaro at magliwaliw.

Inayos ko muna ang upo ko at nag simulang mag kwento. Hindi ako magaling magkwento kung sa boses lalabas ang impormasyong aking binabahagi. Ewan ko ba, pero medyo utal utal at mabilis maubusan ang isipan ko ng salitang bibigkasin kumpara kung isusulat ko ang nais kong ibahagi.

"Actually ano... This was sort of a Pandemic Love Story." simula ko.

"Itong taong 'to yung nakasama ko sa Math Competition na sinalihan ko nung highschool palang ako. At the same time, crush ko for almost 4 yrs or 3 yrs lang ata?"

"Wow 4 yrs! Tindi." mongkahe naman ng isa kong lalaking kaklase. I smiled and start to find myself thrilled to tell them the story.

"So bali nag start nga ito nung malapit na mag pandemic. First week ng March 2020. Yun nga, crush ko siya matagal na and by the time na nagkaroon kami ng communication eh magkaiba na kami ng school."

"Nag transfer ka pag ka Senior High mo?"

I nodded as an answer to their question and continue.

"Haha! Ironically, yung close friends ko ay naging kaklase niya pati rin yung pinsan ko. And then that's how I found out that we're somehow mutual. Although medyo lang dahil malamang nag fade na yun since we're not really close nung aandoon pa ko. But still, nakaka overwhelmed malaman."

Ramdam ko ang kinang ng mata ko habang ibinabahagi sa kanila iyon. Ramdam ko rin ang sayang namumuo sa puso ko habang sinusubukang balikan ang mga araw na 'yon.

"Pero yung pahamak na nagsimula talaga ay yung isa kong kaibigan sa current school ko nung araw na yun. Nabanggit ko kasi sa kanya yun eh napaka loka nun. Nung time na nakikinig ako sa discussion ng teacher namin eh pinakialaman ba naman yung tablet ko at chinat mismo si ano. Kaya yun, doon nag simula."

"Saang probinsya ka galing?"

"Leyte."

"Napaka layo nga. Buti nakakaya niyo pa."

"Haha yun na nga eh, parang break na kami na hindi pa."

"Cool off ganon?"

"Siguro? Oo?"

Napangiwi nalang ako sa sagot ko. Cool Off? not really sure kasi parang wala na talaga. Although I still have feelings, I'm afraid to commit again dahil masyado ng naimbak yung galit at tampo at sakit na nararamdaman ko sa kanya sa tuwing biglang hindi siya magpaparamdam sa di malamang dahilan. I thought hindi niya na gagawin, and he doesn't have any reason to do it again. Pero nadismaya lang ako.

Sa hindi ko na mabilang na beses, I felt abandoned. Was it really easy na di magparamdam sa taong sinasabi mong mahal mo ng walang paalam? At ilang araw pa? I was fighting my thoughts again throughout the whole time, I was worried, I was afraid, na hindi na ako, na mayron ng iba, na may nagbago, etc. Day by day, as the time goes by... as I was hurting myself with those thoughts... I'm also healing and preparing myself for the biggest decision I have to decide. Tuloy pa ba o tama na?

Up until now, I still can't find my answer. I don't wanna be your ex, nor you to be my ex. I'm not ready to admit to myself na wala na tayo cause my heart still aches for you. I don't wanna admit that we're not meant to be. Despite of pushing you away, despite of saying things as if I wanna end things out, despite of being cold... I know... I'm still into you. I still don't wanna lose you

So for now, even though we cut our communication... I don't want to consider you as my ex... yet...no— never.

[mademoiselleamour]

HAHAHAHA crazy Master Han Xiao. (─.─||）