majorsandminorsoflife

[majorsandminorsoflife]

It can get hard sometimes

So its already April, and I still have no clue what I’m doing with my life. One thing I have decided is that I’m going to do a PhD.

I have second thoughts about this all the time. I always get the feeling that I am not good enough, not innovative enough, not outspoken enough, not proactive enough. Will I ever make it through? Will I ever be as successful as all the brilliant researchers I have met? 

Sometimes I also struggle with the financial burdens of a PhD. It can be really hard when you see everyone progressing with their lives and I’m still stuck as a student earning jack shit. People are settling down, buying houses, travelling around the world, buying nice things, and I’m just sitting here being poor. I’m not so much complaining about being poor at this very moment, because I know if I wanted more money, I could just find another few jobs. I’m fine with having little money now because I’m just taking a short break from studying and focusing on other things I want to achieve in life, like become a better violin player. Its just a little frustrating sometimes to think that PhD students work so hard, 7 days a week, yet they are just earning this measly sum. I guess the money isn’t even for saving, but rather, just for surviving. I hope the student life won’t be too harsh on me haha.

Despite that, I think this is what I want to do. People say that people don’t go into research for the money. Its hard not to think about it sometimes. The other things I could be doing with my time to earn more money in order to live a more luxurious life. But I think/hope research will be a fulfilling career, maybe not in a financial sense, but in a emotional sense - and this is what I need to have in a job. 

[majorsandminorsoflife]

A moment of gratitude

i have been feeling so shit lately. About everything and everyone. I think it has stemmed from the my work contract ending and me having no set plans for this year. I have never been in a place in my life where I have no idea what is coming next, and whilst some say its okay, it’s actually very daunting. 

I had a sudden realisation today about how blessed I truly am. I mostly mean this in terms of my career, but I guess I am also blessed to be alive and relatively healthy. 

Career-wise, I have been so so SOOOO fortunate to just have met all the right people. To be honest, I feel I have made almost all the right decisions with my education/career so far, even though at times I am filled with doubt and uncertainty. Meeting S was definitely the turning point in my life. Without him, I wouldn’t have known about the research area of music cognition. Without him, i wouldn’t have know about my current work place, and I probably would have never found/be given the opportunity to work with P. P has also just been fucking amazing and has taught me so many things in the past three years, not just about research and also about how to be a person. Without P, I wouldn’t have met M, who has now offered my some casual work whilst I figure what the hell I’m going to do with the rest of my life. To have someone say to you ‘the job is there if you want it’ is just such a fucking blessing. I am so grateful for this and I’m going to miss these guys so much. And B has also been so great with giving me advice, and always telling me the things I need to hear even when I don’t want to hear them. 

And let’s not forget R. I probably have bitched so much how about he stresses me out so much but I know it’s because he just really wants the best for me. I do feel that maybe our personalities are very different, but we do work very well together, and I am very grateful that I chose him (and he chose me) to work with last year. I am now in the midst of applying for PhD positions, and to have R show so much interest in working with me and offering me so much support to make those opportunities happen is again, just such a fucking blessing. 

I know I will always feel incompetent, and uncertain about whether research is right for me, but every now and then, I think I just need to stop, breathe, and just take a moment to be grateful about all the opportunities I have been given and all the amazing people I have met along the way.

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Thoughts, feelings and rambles

I feel like the title of my blog describes most of my posts pretty well. I have quite a bit on my mind recently. Many different thoughts about different things...

So I bumped into G again this week. It was so nice to see him again after not seeing him for a couple of years. We work right next to each other, so we ended up catching up for coffee that arvo. Our conversation evoked a lot of thoughts in me, mostly about work and career. I have come a point in my life where i need to make a decision about where to go - research or clinical. I know that both paths are not easy, and I wish I was younger and had the opportunity to explore more clinical work... but that ain’t happening. G is almost done with his PhD (after quite some time!) and he said that he is not thinking of continuing with research. That is always something that makes me really sad to hear. B has also thought about leaving research too and he is absolutely brilliant, and I feel that he would always fare well as a researcher. The truth is, there is no career security in research. You could argue that that is the case for all careers, but I think the security is exceptionally low in research. This is one of the things that has made me so doubtful of going into research. G said that he doesn’t regret doing a PhD, which is nice to hear, but I don’t want to do a PhD and then decide I don’t want to stay in research. I mean, there is no problem with that. The skills you gain through a PhD is definitely transferable to other careers, but why spend 4 years of your life stressing yourself out like hell and being paid almost nothing to not continuing pursuing your research? Am I too rigid in this thinking?

I also told him that I was still keen in doing PhD which somehow lead to the talk about publications (of couse!). He asked whether I had any or whether there were opportunities for one/some. I told him that I currently haven’t published and not sure if my supervisor will offer my any opportunities. At this point, he said something along the lines of ‘he (my supervisor) might be a nice guy but he should still give your recognition for all the work you have done’. So then I asked whether he had the opportunity during his work time, and apparently yes. Then the following day, I bumped into S who is in a similar role, and she told me she was going to a conference supported by work. This really made me think about my relationship and worth at work. G was kind of adamant that I spoke to P (my supervisor) about it... but I am really not sure it’s appropriate. I feel like if P wanted to acknowledge my efforts, he would offer. So this really got my re-evaluating P as  a supervisor and whether I only think he is good because I like him as a person. I have been feeling really guilty about these thoughts, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to be feeling this way, right?

Anyways, i should probably sign off now. My participant just asked me what I was typing away at so furiously! LOL. Maybe I also need to re-evaluate my efforts  at work...

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Trying to correct a rhythmic error in the middle of a Finale file

[majorsandminorsoflife]

31st July 2017

I don’t really have anything creative for this entry. I’m just really tired and down at the moment. I’ve been feel this way for the past week or so. I don’t really know why. I think a lot of little things have just added up, and now it’s just been ongoing feelings of sadness. I don’t know if sadness is even the right way to describe the emotion. I’m not really sad to the point I want to cry. Just tired and down.

I have had feelings like this before, where I am down for a short period of time and then everything is okay again. But I feel like this time, it’s been going on for longer, and I don’t see anything positive coming. I don’t have anything to look forward to. It’s just work and study, work and study. Don’t get me wrong. Things aren’t disastrous. Everything is technically going well. I just don’t feel it. Maybe I am just mentally fatigued. It can be hard juggling everything and there is a lot of pressure to perform well in every aspect of my life. 

I’m really tired in a way. I’m kind of sick with life right now. I don’t mean that in some sort of suicidal way. Aaron and I once had this talk. He once also felt that he needed a break from life. I feel that’s what I need right now. A break from everyone and everything. But guess what? Uni is starting up again tomorrow, which means 15 weeks of lectures and assessments. To be fair, I am grateful I have the opportunity to study. It was my choice, and I don’t regret it. I am loving it. But I am just really down right now, so please excuse my gloominess.

There are also many happy things I feel I should reflect on. Violin has been going okay. I don’t get a lot of time to practice, but rehearsals with the ensemble is one thing I look forward to going to every fortnight. I wish it happened more often. I feel that is one thing that is keeping me happy at the moment. 

Just gotta keep swimming! 

[majorsandminorsoflife]

psychologist: playing an instrument improves your mental health!

me, a musician: hey now wait a minute

[majorsandminorsoflife]

We have come a long way

Almost full circle - from being absolute strangers, to acquaintances, friends, close friends, and now barely friends. 

I don’t know whether you still think of me and us like I still do. Maybe you have grown up and moved passed this. I am happy for you if you have. I am still grappling to let this go. I sometimes wonder whether I should just let this all go. Maybe we are just better off being strangers again, but how could I forget the friendship that we once shared? 

I know that I was the one that let us down. I was absent, cold, and guarded. I can’t say that things are much different now because that is just the person that I am. It doesn’t mean that I don’t value and appreciate people. I appreciate what we had and all that you did and would do for me. I am sorry that I let us down but there is so much that I could do that the moment. I didn’t want to open up to you because I just wasn’t comfortable enough. I wasn’t able to give you back as much as you gave me because I had nothing to offer you. I hope you understand that I wasn’t trying to not let you in, but at that very moment in my life, you were just coming on to strong. I’m sorry I let us down.

I can’t say that I want to be back where we were - not in the same way as before. Looking at the bigger picture, it still upsets me to this day that we lost what we once had. I long for that. But what frustrates me most is that I don’t understand why you couldn’t deal with what we were with me, but you can deal with it right now with her.

Can we never really be close friends?

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Future is bleak

I have been in a constant state of worry about what I will be doing next year. My work contract will end early next year, and I sure hope not to be jobless. It’s not that I necessarily need the income, but rather the sense of security that I will have an income, and won’t just be eating off my parents.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am being too dependent living at home, but I guess my reason for staying at home isn’t because I don’t want to be independent. Asians just tend to live at home for a while, and I’m sure my mum would not like the idea of my moving out.

In saying that, I have been looking for opportunities for work/study interstate. I considered doing a PhD interstate, but right now I am not even sure that is right thing for me to do.

I really don’t see anything beyond this year. That scares me so much, because I have always been someone who needs some degree of certainty.

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Can't see my eyes but those yellow flowers were one of my highlights 😁 (at Everglades Historic House + Gardens - National Trust of Australia)

[majorsandminorsoflife]

It’s been a while...

It has been so long since my last post! Things have been super busy since I started my Masters degrees. I haven’t quite worked out how to balance, work, music, family and friends quite yet, so I think there are times when I totally shut one thing out to focus on another. My lack of posts probably suggests that I didn’t have the need to, or maybe I was just too overwhelmed by all that was happening that I just didn’t have time to. Either way, now that exams/assessments are over, I feel the need to reflect on all that has happened. 

Even though I haven’t been posting, I do occasionally revisit my previous posts. I feel like many things have happened in this first half of the year and has changed me drastically as a person. 

At the beginning of this year, I was swimming and going to ballet quite a bit, and that made me really happy. I think I never appreciated the benefits of being physically active. I found swimming very therapeutic and being able to set and achieve goals to swim faster and longer distances always gave me a sense of fulfillment. Ballet was going well too with the new teacher who was super patient and friendly. I was really hoping to keep it up, but unfortunately that hasn’t happened. I also haven’t had the chance to swim as often because of my inability to manage my time, and also because its freezing now! :(

Uni has been going well. The friends I’ve met have been great, and I love that we all share the same interests and have the same goals. Everyone is a huge nerd though with super high expectations of themselves, so I guess that has put a lot of pressure on me to do well too (because I am so competitive haha). When I first started the degree, I had my mind entirely set on pursuing research. But now, I am not so sure. I feel like maybe I will like a clinical job too.This was triggered by one assessment that we had to do where we were given a case study and had to come up with a diagnosis for the patient. Of course, the case study was suppose to be ambiguous so that we can derive our own conclusions of the diagnosis based on the evidence, but I would not be surprised if real patient cases were just as ambiguous! Mental health issues are complex, and so many factors come into play which determine why someone’s mental wellbeing is the way it is. I think what I liked most about the assessment was it was like a puzzle that needed to be solved. I had to fit all these different pieces together and come up with something that would have been plausible, but also consider the other possibilities. I kind of like the reasoning part of it. I know that thinking about patients as puzzles isn’t the way to go, which  probably suggests I shouldn’t be a clinician...but it’s another path to consider!

I am also starting my new research project soon, which I am super excited about! I’m sure I will have much to say in the coming months. :P

Violin has been shitty. I just haven’t had the time to practice, so my progress has been shitty. 

It also occurred to me the other day that I only have 6 months left of my contract. I can’t believe 2.5 years have already gone by. It actually makes me very sad when I think about having to leave. I think I just get attached to people and places too easily, especially if I have really connected with them. I already miss P just thinking about leaving. He is just so great. I need a supervisor like him to keep me sane. I wish we were closer and that I could talk to him about stuff not related to work. I’m sure he would have many wise words for me and what to do with my life. I hope I will stay in touch with all the friends I have made. Some of them are leaving already, and others will leave soon, and then it will be my turn to move on. That is the research life. I AM ALSO HOPING P WILL GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO CONTRIBUTE TO A PUBLICATION. That is also the research life haha. 

In conclusion (I have been writing many essays), life has been relatively good. I feel like I am definitely happier now, although there are times where I can feel quite down and will isolate myself, but that is probably mostly because I am stressed. I have the urge to start practicing piano seriously again, and I would really like to get that diploma. I feel like that is digging at scars that still haven’t quite healed yet, but it’s also a job I feel I have left unfinished and I would really like to accomplish it.  

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Nine.

Nine is the number of selfies it took me before I found one that I could probably share with the public. 

This is how I look in my most natural state - out of bed, threw my hair up in a bun, washed my faced. No make-up, messy hair, all flaws revealed. The number of photos required before I was satisfied with one really shows how insecure I am.

This post is triggered by a chat I had with a mate last night. We were just casually chatting about relationships, why we weren’t in one, and what we were looking for. I had had a few drinks before this, so I decided to share one of my fantasies (yes, sexual) with him. Then, we got onto the topic of sugar coating things, and I said I was not a sugar-coater at all. He replied with if I wanted my fantasies fulfilled, I would need to learn to sugar coat things because , and I quote, ‘your face sure ain’t gonna help you in that department’.

I was a bit thrown back at first. I thought maybe I was just misinterpreting what he meant and he didn’t mean to say that I was ugly at all. But on second thoughts, he has had a history of making comments like that to me about other people, so I’m pretty sure he meant what I initially thought he meant.

I was actually having a pretty good night last night. I had drinks with friends, so I had dressed up a little, and was generally feeling more okay than usual about myself. I know that I wasn’t blessed with a pretty face but I try to work with what I have. His comment upset me a little, but the thing that upset and frustrated me the most wasn’t that he thought I was ugly, but the fact that he thought it was okay to tell me that. 

I am all for constructive criticism, but telling that my face is ugly is not constructive at all! How will that make me change? Am I suppose to be applying more make-up to cover my flaws, get cosmetic surgery so I can have higher cheekbones, slimmer jawline, higher nose  bridge? 

On the topic of constructive criticism, I have been wondering whether I should tell him how this made me feel. I think he might take as a form of defensiveness, but I really do mean well when I want to tell him that he needs to think before he speaks. It is okay for him to think that I am ugly, but I think it’s really not okay for him to tell me. We live in a society where the media is constantly telling us (despite all the positive body image campaigns) that we are not good enough, not beautiful enough, and that we need to make changes to get to get what we want. Do you really think we are not already telling ourselves that? I, certainly, do not need another external force telling me that my face isn’t good enough! 

After writing all this up, I feel as though I have already voiced my frustration, so maybe there is not need for me to bring this up with him. But as a friend, I also think it’s important for us to point out things that should, and can be, changed. My face is not one of them LOL.

What do you think?

On a totally unrelated note, the screw on my violin bow is starting to get some rust build-up, making it hard for my to tighten it. My violin teacher suggested me to use Coke to remove the tarnish. If Coke can be used as a cleaning product, imagine what it is doing to your body! Quit the Coke, kids. :)

#bodyimage #notaprettyface #latenightchats #cokeisbadforyou

[majorsandminorsoflife]

New year, new me?

So it’s been a while since my last post. I have MIA because life has gotten in the way. Things have been a little busy, and I just haven’t felt the need to blog.

I was going to make a NY post about my NY resolutions, but I feel that I always make a list that I don’t stick to. So instead, I’m just going to take this year day by day as as it comes. I am hoping to blog a little more from now, and just write down my thoughts and feelings, whether they are negative or positive.

I’ve realised that this blog has mostly been for me to ramble about things that have been shit in my life. It is filled with a lot of negativity, so I did think about starting a new blog that would be filled with more positive thoughts. On second thoughts, that would be wrong for me do. It wouldn’t be truly me if I just wrote about all things positive, haha! 

An update on my life for the past few months:

- moved into a new house just before New Years, so lots of cleaning and unpacking to do. I still don’t have a bed. My bookshelf has shrunk to a quarter of its size but Is still managed to fit all my books on it.

- I started playing with another adult string ensemble. It is a lot more challenging than the other one I play with, which is great. We had an end of year concert where some members played solo and smaller ensemble items. One of the guys who did a solo also plays the piano, and he said that if I accompanied him next time, he would accompany me for a solo. I hope to play a solo at one of the concerts this year! That is one goal. In general, I am really hoping to improve on violin this year. I also drunkenly bought a viola... but that story’s for another time.

- I got an offer to study a Masters in Brain and Mind Science this year. I am still not sure how I feel about this. I am kind of excited, but at the same time, I am not sure whether it is the right decision and whether I am wasting a shitload of money and time.

- I started going back to the ballet studio. We have a new teacher now, and he is so great and lovely. He is always very motivating, which is the type of attitude I need. I hope he will still be there this year, and I also hope to stay committed to it, including going to classes in winter!

- I was swimming quite regularly for about 2 months late last year, but since the move, I have been on about a 1 month hiatus. I was very happy with my swimming progress. I am a slow swimmer, but I am building up endurance. When I first got back into swimming, I struggled with swimming 500m. After a couple of weeks, going twice a week, I was able to work myself up to swimming 1.2 - 1.5k a session. This year, I hope to stick with swimming, and get faster as well.

- I went to Tasmania in early December, and absolutely loved it! We had based our trip around seeing the lavender fields, but they weren’t in bloom due to the weather when we were there, so I was quite disappointed in that.

That’s pretty much the highlights of the last few months. I’m hoping that my life will be more eventful soon because I have been feeling so demotivated lately. I will keep you updated about any happenings. 

I am trying to change my attitude towards many things, especially those that are important to me. I guess a new year isn’t really about a new me, but rather a better me.

:)

[majorsandminorsoflife]

They know my name, not my story

I haven’t posted in yonks, but I feel like today is a day worth blogging about.

Here is a photo of me holding a very nice bunch of flowers. I received them today from my colleagues after a accompanying on piano for a group of staff members who were singing a song for another colleague’s farewell. It was such a surprise, and it makes me feel very happy and appreciated! 

A few weeks ago, one of the institute directors asked me whether I could be the accompanist. For those who have been following my blog, you would know that I suffer from severe performance anxiety, which pretty much ended any dreams I had in becoming a musician. I know there are ways to overcome that, and I don’t wish to spend the time writing about now. I chose to give up performing because it was causing me too much stress, and I was miserable all the time because of my desire to deliver the perfect performance. 

So when I was asked, I really didn’t want to do it. I was scared of not being good enough, of not being perfect. But I felt like I couldn’t say no. After all, she was a pretty big gun, and for her to ask me... I couldn’t say no. So I hesitantly accepted.

The score itself wasn’t too hard, so definitely manageable. I can’t say I spent a lot of time practising it, but I practised it enough to make sure it was secure. Whilst I was sitting there waiting for our act to come up today, I felt the nerves again. I had screwed up a bit in rehearsal, and was so worried that I would not be perfect.

Then we performed it.

It was not perfect. I screwed up the last couple of notes. But that’s okay.

Everyone had fun. Everyone enjoyed it. I got many compliments afterwards (and flowers), and I enjoyed it (most of it anyway). 

Sometimes I feel like I am so needy for needing assurance, but that’s what I really need. I need to hear that I am not a failure, that I am good at what I do, that I do have potential - because I don’t believe any of that.

Today is the day of my first public performance on piano since the time I gave up performing. Whilst I was just accompanying, its good to finally be able to say that was a good performance. Not perfect, but good enough, and enjoyable. 

I can’t thank my colleagues enough for giving me this opportunity. They didn’t know about my anxiety issues, and hopefully will never know. I know you probably don’t think much of it, and for a musician, this is absolutely nothing, but it was kind of a big step for me.

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Something worth sharing...

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Prints of this poem available here. 

[majorsandminorsoflife]

Am I not pretty enough Is my heart too broken Do I cry too much Am I too outspoken Don't I make you laugh Should I try it harder Why do you see right through me

Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers

[majorsandminorsoflife]

If you’ll not settle for anything less than your best, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your lives.

Vince Lombardi (via psych-facts)