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Residuals

I am on top of the mountain but the fog hangs low and the sky is cloudy. The fog hangs over the roads and I am unable to see the correct path to take me home. I tried to prepare: I brought a flashlight, a map, and a compass but even with all the preparation I'm scared to take the wrong path. They all lead to houses but which will lead to home?

Just when I thought I had won, your residuals stay inside of me. Not because I miss you but because your exit makes me doubt myself. You saw me raw, at my ugliest point, when I shedded tears, when I woke up, when I REALLY laughed, your first I love you, and your final goodbye. I can't put my finger on it, I can't make out the words, I can't even form the thoughts but something is there. A cloud is still there. It no longer is pouring but it only allows a few sun rays to shine through. I'm starting to warm up but the goosebumps continue to lift my skin.

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Every ending is also a beginning

Dear Luis, 

This letter has been overdue for some time. It’s been several months since we parted ways and I continue to shed daily tears. I have attempted to seek comfort in evenings with wine, sad playlists, and even next to someone elses body. All those things are like drinking with artifical sweetners. They all taste similar to sugar but theyre also bad for you just in different ways. It might not cause diabetes but rumor has it they cause cancer. See you were the sugar and I was willing to risk getting any disease. RISK, that is what we take with our partners and I was all in. I lost myself in the game. I lost myself in the hope of the win that I played without strategy and lost. I have never blamed you for all of this. I know that I fucked up too, maybe even more than you but I know one thing; I would have never given up if you hadn’t. So thank you for that. Thank you for ending the last months of fighting, crying, anger, but most important loneliness inside of me. The loneliness that I felt next to you was difficult to accept and understand. I keep asking myself, when did the eyes of the man I love turn into the person I one day would never again see, feel, or have. I keep living 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 years in the past. Throughout the day I get flashbacks of random moments from sitting in your car when it would rain, to nights by the beach, hanging out in my college dorm apt, or us moving into what used to be “our house”. Those small glimpses of the past are the hardest moments of my day. Long car rides are filled with even more flashbacks of those happy moments. Why does our mind show us happy moments during our weakest points? 

Dear Luis, 

I miss you a lot. There is one core memory that my brain brings up a lot. It used to happen when I was upset, either mad at you or sad at something. You used to look at me with the sweetest eyes and say “ay mama” then you would lower your broad shoulders as if you were inviting my body with yours. Most of the time that would be sufficient for our fight to end. See during those times I would never imagine that those tiny gestures would become “core memories” between us. Everyone always says that if they knew what they know now, they would have acted differently or appreciated something more. I now know what was meant by that. 

Dear Luis,

Why wasn’t I enough for you? It is one of the most difficult mysteries I have for myself. I struggle with the thought that I gave you more sad/unhappy moments than good. I have been thinking of things like a scale. Envision a scale where the negatives and positives are each on opposite sides. I think about how my negatives weighed one side down. It makes me sad to think I was on the negative side. Really sad. I think about how after 8.5 year you chose to not marry me, you chose to not start a family with me, you chose to not see the world with me, you chose to no longer talk to me, you chose to leave your best friend without any care. You chose to stop fighting for us. During the hardest moments of sadness and loneliness I must remember that all those were your CHOICES. 

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Dear Alex, I’m sorry for everything you have gone through lately. I know you’re hurting a lot and there is nobody that will take that hurt from you. I know you seek open arms to embrace you and hold you tight. You’ve been ready to be held and to be really truly deeply loved. Unfortunately while you yearn for that so much, it won’t get here today or tomorrow or most likely even in a year. You have fallen down a deep and hopeless road in your heart. You’re eyes are constantly tired and your soul feels deprived of what others have. You’re constantly wanting noise to fill the quiet moments where you would have to keep feeling emptiness and loneliness. Nights are hardest bc you are reminded of a shared bed. You curl your body as best as you can to try to feel the warmth that he once gave you. But Alex, this will not always be your story. You have passed by several people in your life where you were meant to fit in to THEIR story, you provided warmth, energy, mind, and love to help them during their lifetime. One day, you will find your own missing piece and you will stop being a part of peoples stories and will start living your own. But you have to work hard, you have to put effort and you must seek what you want. Nobody will give you happiness bc that’s something you must give yourself. Build yourself from the thoughts of the “one day” and use that to push you forward and never take another step back in your life. Just remember one day you will have more happiness than you ever could, more smiles than your mouth can take, and more love than your heart can feel.❤️. From: future Alex

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After the storm but before the hurricane

Hello, it’s been awhile. I have so many emotions they are overfilling my body like when you overpour your glass of water and the water just disburses on the counter or floor except I can’t just take a papertowel and clean up my overfill. I have feelings but the words have become difficult. I have two sides inside me constantly overpowering my few words, judgement, mind, heart, and actions. One side is the powerful woman that I know I can be. The one who doesn’t need you anymore or anyone for that matter. The one who can ride day by day as if nothing can take her on. But, the other side is still a hurt heart. A heart who has so many holes in it that it’s struggling to do its job. A job where self love is number one. A job where I’m suppose to feel like I deserve full unconditional love from someone. You made it so hard for me to feel loved and wanted. I believed all your words and ignored all your actions. I heard the “I love yous” but I felt the “loneliness”, and days went by, then weeks, then months. 

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28

7/7, today will be my saddest bday. I will never let you make me this sad again. I now understand how much I truly meant for you and how much respect you lost for me and how I was no longer your person. I would never let someone I love be in so much sadness. I miss you so much but I know it's not reciprocated. I don’t know at what moment things changed but my vision to be with you forever never did. I will always wish you the best, but you are no longer wishing the best for me. Forever your Alex <3

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Losing you wasn’t just painful, it was fucking damaging also. It wasn’t me sitting down on a couch surrounded by my friends as we watched movies and ate food to try and forget you. It was me staying up at four in the morning because the thought of you was so fucking strong I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me swallowing thickly and blinking back tears every time I was in public, the hole in my chest causing my breaths to come out shaky rather than normal. It was me laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned because the urge of falling apart was getting stronger. It was me crying at random hours during the day and me not wanting to get up out of bed. It wasn’t just me staring blankly at your number, deciding whether or not if I should call you. It was me throwing my phone at the wall and breaking it, because I was drunk again and the thought of you ever changing your information terrified me. It was me deleting our conversations and regretting it because now I couldn’t know where we had went wrong. It fucking hurt, losing you had hurt and I wasn’t ever able to forget that kind of pain.

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I always thought that the ultimate cause of a broken heart was because of words so sharp they pierce the depths of your soul. Now I know, that real heartbreak stems from silence.; from the goodbyes never uttered, cheek kisses never shared, and hugs never felt. These are the ingredients of a broken heart, a heart broken beyond repair.

Excerpts from the book I’ll never write #405

17/4/2022

10:25 pm- Dear Pa.

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“It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its harder to give up when you know its everything you want.”

- Unknown

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Homesickness

1. Louise Glück

2. Franz Kafka

3. limer3nce

4. Miriam Adeney

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Never ending loss story

Is it finally here? the ending we were both dreading (or at least me). It’s like when you sit through a 3 hour long movie only to be left with an inconclusive ending. Inconclusive about us... 

At first I felt so much anger. I felt anger because I wanted your full mind and body for US. I wanted us to be in each others corner, ready to sooth those punches and bruises life would give us. However you threw in the towel and none of us won. Now it feel like my stomach is ocean deep and the deepest pit lays there. With every movement my body makes I feel the strength that it had leaving it with every day that passes by without you. 

Does our body run on love, happiness, and connection? Are muscles, mind, and nerves only a myth? Would anyone love this face and mind? Do people really find their “soulmates”? No, perfection doesn’t exist and I am aware of that. What is to much to ask for? I felt like I requested someone to love me enough to want to see me everyday, to kiss me everyday, to hug me everyday and not want to let go. Have I asked for something that doesn’t really exist? 

Were we all fed lies about what your partner is suppose to give you. Or are the lies the ones I feed myself every day. Do I look at myself and picture someone different? Do I think I deserve something that I don’t yet deserve? 

Who am I?:

I am an woman who wants to live in the moment, I am a woman who can be cuddled with you all day on Friday and Saturday be ready to drive to the coast. I am a woman who is needy, I like to feel taken care of emotionally. I want you to be my own hero for my needs. I want you to move my hair to the side and kiss my neck at times. To squeeze my cheeks and steal a kiss. To give me forehead kisses and whisper “I love you”. I want to be someones everything so they can be mine. But that's the problem. This is the definition of who I am, not who I want. I don’t think I know who I am. Not without you. Not without someone. As for now, back to me. I am Alex, a very hard working girl at her job. A girl who makes promises for herself and always breaks them. Someone who struggles to get up everyday from bed. Someone who can be outside listening to how the wind hits the trees and be happy. A chocolate lover. A people pleaser, not nearly selfish enough. A girl with big dreams. Someone who loves to paint but never knows what to paint. I love mimosas and tequila. When I’m sad I blog b/c it helps. A girl who has been angry for awhile. 

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It’s hard when my mind wanders. I think about how much bad stuff is happening and I feel the urge to help everyone but I can’t. I can’t even help myself, how can I possibly help others? I feel a lot of guilt sometimes for the blessed life I live. Yet at times I think it’s pathetic. When I deep think I ask myself how does GOD decide what life you will be born in...? I mean why was I born into this life yet others are born into poverty. It’s so sad to think there are people who worry about hunger, death, and REAL loneliness. I mean I have people all around me but I still feel lonely. Why are some people born to suffer and others are born to thrive. Why do people kill animals or mistreat them? My heart aches over them yet I still consume meat. Why do I suffer for things I don’t change within myself? Why do I make my life so complicated? Will I be someone in life who matters? Can I be change? What do I deserve? Who do I deserve? I’m not sure if you deserve me. I want someone to love me so much, to treat me like their most beloved diamond. But I’m complicated. I feel like the peasants shoe. My heart is begging for that love yet my mind is telling me I don’t deserve it. That’s the story between me. I tried to tell you... I tried to save us from this but you did not listen. They say love is like a flower, your love is the water to make it grow. Our flower dried up, I tried to help but in my heart it feels like you let me down. You ask if anything is wrong and I’m tired of telling you. I’m tired of communication that is not heard... I am scared to hurt you but you are hurting me too. You pushed my heart away with your type of attention. I’m sorry you couldn’t help me and I couldn’t help you. I know you will hate me but I could never. I hope one day you understand because I know you won’t now.

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I used to think the worst feeling was questioning whether I loved you or not. Turns out the worst is questioning if you do.

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It’s their way or the highway

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New Life - Cara Zimmerman