malcohen

[malcohen]

Lips pressed into a tight line, nodding somberly as Nate spoke about how hard of a time he was having. He'd first met Nate upon settling down in Tonopah, desperate for a job and a semblance of normalcy he'd been living on the outskirts of since he'd gotten out of prison. Much to his surprise -- and gratitude -- the older male had accepted him with open arms, even going so far as to sponsor him as a prospect in the sons. Then Cassie died, a loss that appeared to hit the Donovan's like a freight train, and while Malcolm could sense how heavy it weight on him, he really didn't know Nate well enough by that point to be concerned -- not until he'd left town in the middle of a family crisis, knowing for sure that this wasn't normal behavior. Maybe in the grand scheme of things they hadn't known each other for long, but they'd formed a strong bond rather quickly, and Malcolm was just relieved to see him in one piece.

"Yeah, I get it." The part about checking out. Sober or not, it was easy to fall into that track as an addict, and as someone who was struggling mentally. "So, by not being clean you mean, like, drinkin' or...?" The only reason he felt comfortable enough to ask was because he knew this was a source of shared trauma for the two of them. He'd opened up plenty of times about his past addiction to Nate; he only hoped the other male would feel comfortable enough to do the same. "Is that where you went off to? Somewhere that could put you back on the straight and narrow?" Malcolm pursed his lips as he thought over the question, shoulders lifting in a shrug. "I'm okay. I mean -- I'm getting there." Some days were better than others, but his cravings had mostly subsided. "When the news came out, I -- I fucking freaked out. Then, I freaked out about getting freaked out 'cause I could hear this little voice in my head tellin' me to find...somethin'. Then that voice got louder, and I got scared this was all going to end with me relapsing." He swallowed thickly. "But I didn't. I went to Cole's, he set me straight. I'm just -- I keep harping on how close I got."

He could see that Malcolm wasn't in a place to believe what he had said - or even take it all in and let it settle - which was fine, Nate wasn't going to sit here and push him to make him see something that was so obvious. Especially not when he knew what the young guy's mindset would be like, his point here was to just tell him with a small hope that one day he'd look back and think, actually, he's right. He nodded lightly at what he was being told, feeling that he could relate on every single level to him right now. Nate had been in a similar position, while he had been using for months now his substances had been on the tame side (dare he even describe it as such) until he physically could no longer help the way his entire mentality wanted a stronger fix.

"No." he shook his head lightly, figuring he might as well be honest. He wasn't okay and he didn't think he would be for a while. "Feel like I fucking checked out for a bit." out of life, out of any form of sane decision, and more importantly out from his own control. Those were Nate's mistakes to correct, however, so he wasn't looking for pity. "Haven't been clean for months and I came close to making that worse, instead I found myself in an aa meeting fucking regretting not doing that." he admitted, continuing to run with the fact that he was being open. Nate's path back up to feeling somewhat normal was as steep as they came, though it was doable and he was proving that to himself just by keeping to his newfound sobriety. "How're you now?" right now, since almost relapsing and the death of his sister being common knowledge. Nate just wanted to hear where Mal's mind was at rather than assuming for himself.

#convo #c. nate donovan #nate 003.

[malcohen]

Malcolm offered the male a grin, trying best he could to take his words to heart. After all, at the end of the day, how he thought about himself and how his brothers thought about him were in two totally different fields. "It's just weird, y'know? I've barely been here a year and I already pissed someone off." A scoff fell from his lips, and he shook his head. "Or maybe I'm just easy to fuck with." That was undoubtedly true. "But thanks, I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you guys have done for me." He opened up the baggie of Sun Chips, plucking one out of the bag and popping it in his mouth. "You grew up around here, didn't ya? You ever seen craziness like this around town?"

"Yeah, I've heard," Beau remarked, taking out a pack of Cheez-its for himself and taking a seat. He was almost certain that information had been left out of the gossip blast that had revealed what had happened to Malcolm's sister, but he wasn't interested in prying or reopening that wound. "Take as long as you need, man. You lost someone important to you and someone's trying to use that against you. I think anyone would understand if you weren't your best self for a while." He opened up his snack and popped two into his mouth, chewing quietly before speaking again. "Wanted to let you know that regardless of what happened, it's not gonna change your place with us. Everyone's got a past; you did your time."

#convo #c. beau sinclair #beau 001.

[malcohen]

Malcom let out a laugh when Logan began to question their choice of activity, reaching over her lap to grab the small Tupperware of fruit they had packed for that evening. "Depends. Is your definition of cheesy inherently negative?" The male questioned, brows arched as he plucked a grape from the container, popping it in his mouth with a shrug. "Yeah, that's definitely a thing. Less so out here, though, from what I can tell. Back in Boston -- hell, you'd have to go, like, thirty miles in any other direction at least if you wanted to see even one damn star." He shrugged, glancing around. "Lots of other people seem to have the same idea, though, so that has to count for somethin'." Plus, this place was literally known as the stargazing station. That had to count for something.

"Hey," A hand moved to brush a lock of wavy blonde hair over Logan's shoulder, as if to grab her wandering attention. "I like cheesy. I'm, like, cheesy's number one fan. Okay?" He reassured with a crooked grin. "There was a really long period of time where I wasn't able to see the stars or the sunset or nothin'. Makes me appreciate it more now, y'know? Especially havin' something to share it with -- now that's cheesy. Right? So we're even."

@malcohen

Location: Stargazing Station

Logan settled onto the blanket they had spread out on the ground, her voice laced with a hint of uncertainty. "You don't think this is totally cheesy, do you? Because you can tell me if it is." She had been the one to propose that they escape to gaze at the stars shortly after their conversation about his sister. Yet, as the moment unfolded, she questioned whether her idea might be considered childish. "I mean, can we even see the stars at this point? With all the lights from wherever. That's at thing, right? Light pollution?" The sun was still dipping below the horizon, not fully conceding to the night, but as she turned to Malcolm, sitting close beside her, she couldn't suppress the smile that edged its way across her face.

With a dismissive shake of her head, she conceded, "This is so cheesy, you don't even have to tell me." Her gaze then drifted back across the open field, where other cars had parked, their occupants preparing to watch the stars unfold in the night sky.

#convo #c. logan donovan #logan 006.

[malcohen]

#visage. #( screaming )

[malcohen]

I really like you a lot. The admission made a smile tug at his cheeks, wide enough to be almost embarrassing had he not been so utterly filled with joy that she felt the way she did, even after Malcolm had divulged his deepest and darkest shame. "Yeah?" It was almost unbelievable, in a way, that someone like Logan could have feelings for someone like him. Maybe he was a better man than he used to be -- at the very least, one who tried, who cared, who made an effort to better himself and those around him -- but sometimes it was hard for him to truly see the progress he had made. Looking at Logan now, though, there was no denying this was as good a sign as any.

"I haven't done this, like, ever." Malcolm admitted, a chuckle falling from his lips. "So I would be right there with you." There had been dates. Hook-ups, one night stands, flings. Nothing that ever stuck, though, for no other reason than he hadn't cared enough to let them stick. With Logan, though, there was really nothing he wanted more at that moment. Reaching out, he brushed a lock of brown hair behind her ear, thumb brushing against the soft skin of her cheek. "Does that mean I can call you my girl?" He asked, head cocked to the side with a grin. "Unless you'd prefer 'old lady' like the guys at the club do." Something told him she wouldn't, a thought that amused him.

#logan 005. #c. logan donovan #convo #( end )

[malcohen]

Shoving a french fry into his mouth, Malcolm narrowed his brows at the other male's words. "Shane and Lydia..." Almost a year in and the prospect still had trouble remembering the names of everyone who stepped foot in the clubhouse. Years of prolonged drug use would do that to a person -- but, regardless, there was a ton of foot traffic in and out these days. "Oh! Right, yeah, I heard about that. Poor guy, he went all out with the hot air balloon and everything, too." He scrunched his nose, shaking his head. "Can't imagine that was a fun ride back down. Honestly, those things freak me out, but I also ain't ever been a big fan of heights, y'know? That's why I can't get myself to go on ferris wheels or roller coasters. You think they'll stay together, or did she dump him completely?"

Closed: @malcohen – Catching up at the Gold Dust Diner

Rex would like to consider himself a person who had a refined taste when it came to food. He preferred high-quality products that were locally sourced and had minimal impact on the environment. He believed that by doing his part, he could contribute to the preservation of the earth from imploding a little sooner. However, he didn't mind indulging in some unhealthy food every once in a while.Nonetheless, he didn’t mind his arteries getting clogged every now and then. Let alone indulging in it with one of his best mates. “Did you hear Lydia decline Shane’s proposal?” The fellow member shot his shot epically and failed.

#convo #rex 001. #rex luther 001.

[malcohen]

I really like you a lot. The admission made a smile tug at his cheeks, wide enough to be almost embarrassing had he not been so utterly filled with joy that she felt the way she did, even after Malcolm had divulged his deepest and darkest shame. "Yeah?" It was almost unbelievable, in a way, that someone like Logan could have feelings for someone like him. Maybe he was a better man than he used to be -- at the very least, one who tried, who cared, who made an effort to better himself and those around him -- but sometimes it was hard for him to truly see the progress he had made. Looking at Logan now, though, there was no denying this was as good a sign as any.

"I haven't done this, like, ever." Malcolm admitted, a chuckle falling from his lips. "So I would be right there with you." There had been dates. Hook-ups, one night stands, flings. Nothing that ever stuck, though, for no other reason than he hadn't cared enough to let them stick. With Logan, though, there was really nothing he wanted more at that moment. Reaching out, he brushed a lock of brown hair behind her ear, thumb brushing against the soft skin of her cheek. "Does that mean I can call you my girl?" He asked, head cocked to the side with a grin. "Unless you'd prefer 'old lady' like the guys at the club do." Something told him she wouldn't, a thought that amused him.

It was hard to explain, but there was a warmth that enveloped her whenever Malcolm spoke of his sister. Logan observed, enchanted, as his face transformed with a glow, his eyes sparkling with pride. Every word he shared about Hannah was laced with admiration; he painted a picture of a girl whose intelligence and achievements were as vast as they were remarkable, despite her life being cut short. "I would've loved to meet her," Logan nodded truthfully, offering a small, tender smile.

Logan's brows began to furrow as Malcolm started to apologize, quickly she shook her head. "Don't be." Sorry, that was. She understood the depths of his feelings, and could recognize the bravery it took to even have a conversation like the current one. Gently, she allowed her thumb to trace comforting circles on his arm, an attempt to reassure her that she was there, even as words eluded her. After a pause lingered between the two of them for a moment, Logan finally leaned in slightly, her voice soft but firm. "You know," She began, "I know you didn't owe me any explanations, and I know there wasn't an expectation for you to open up to me. But, I'm really glad that you did."

The revelation that he found happiness in Tonopah brought a subtle smile to her face, as if his contentment were a relief of some sort. Logan's hazel eyes lifted to meet Malcolm's just as she felt the comforting weight of his hand on top of hers. The smile on her lips broadened, albeit bashfully, as she momentarily looked down, a soft blush coloring her cheeks at his words. "I really like you, a lot." She admitted, her gaze locking with his once more, her heart fluttering with a mix of excitement and vulnerability reminiscent of a young school girl. "Yeah? I'd really like that." She nodded. Her voice carried a hint of hesitancy as she added. "I haven't done this in awhile," Dating anyone seriously, that was. "So, if you're okay with me stumbling around as I try to find my footing, then yes, I'd be willing to give this - " She paused to gesture between the two of them. "Give this a shot with you."

#logan 003. #c. logan donovan #convo

[malcohen]

Malcolm hadn’t known Isaac very well, having been a relatively new prospective member of the Sons of Silence around the time when he’d been thrown in jail, but news of his death had cast a heavy shadow over the club. He could empathize with their feeling of loss, having lost a close family member himself (the nuances of his own situation aside) and so for the last few weeks, he’d been dedicating himself to lending a friendly hand as needed.

That particular day he was at the Black Rabbit, filling out some paperwork for Cole so that he could be on the payroll as part-time security. Now that he and Logan were official, he wanted to make sure he had better, more steady income coming in. So between bouncing for both Nate and Cole's respective places, he was looking forward to having some extra cash in his pocket.

Malcolm glanced up from his seat when he heard his name called, a grin spreading across his cheeks when he saw the blonde. "Hey!" he called, waving her over to his booth. "Feel free to join me, I'm just finishing somethin' up. Yeah, Malcolm. That's nice that you remembered." Given that he was still only a prospect, and there was a long list of names on the Sons' roster. "Kathryn, right? What brings you 'round here?"

FOR: @malcohen WHEN: March, 2024. WHERE: The Black Rabbit.

Honestly, the Black Rabbit was a beautiful throw back to the decadence of the 1920s, Isaac had great taste, even if he'd wasted some of the potential. There were kinks that could be ironed out over time, she was certain. Her fingers trailed over the cool surface of the bar. There was a sadness that lingered here, at the passing of someone who'd never got to see this place thrive, who would never see the outside of a jail cell again. When Cole had told her, she felt this deep sense of sadness for him. Loss, in any form, wasn't easy and she couldn't imagine the Sons had taken it easily. They truly were family. Still, she admired the room.

It was quiet, only a couple lingered as she walked around the room, taking in every piece of it. When Cole had offered a potential partnership in further business, she'd jumped at the chance. In all honesty, she needed it. The constant busy kept her mind quiet, and for that, she was eternally grateful.

It was then she saw a figure, caught by the dimmed lights of the speakeasy. She smiled. "Malcom, right?" Kathryn called out, dead enough that the sound followed, much to her embarrassment, as she shot them an apologetic side glance.

#convo #kathryn 001. #c. kathryn haringer

[malcohen]

Cole was right, he really had no way to know that his biggest shame would be broadcasted for the entire town to see. Of course, the entire ordeal was now public information – a quick Google search and his charges would have been laid out bare – but unless someone put in the effort to dig into Malcolm’s past, they wouldn’t have known any differently. Still, that didn’t take away from the shame he felt, even if he could acknowledge how fucked up this entire situation really was. Perhaps it would take another day with a clearer head for Malcolm to be able to internalize. “I was planning to. Especially with everything with her sister ‘nd all,” he met the other’s gaze briefly, knowing his relationship with the deceased Donovan sister. “I didn’t want her to feel like I was manipulating her or anything, I guess. Like, with me helping her and Nate out with the funeral plans – there’s this nagging part of me that wonders if I was actually doin’ all that to alleviate my own guilt and not for their benefit.” Malcolm shook his head, swallowing thickly. “I know this is just probably me gettin’ into my own head, but…it’s hard for me to believe I’m actually capable of being a good person. Like I’m not just pretending.”

The revelation that Cole had, in fact, killed before, merely caused his brows to arch slightly– yet he felt no different. When he looked at the man before him, he saw a leader. He saw someone who would go to the ends of the earth for the people he cared about, for his community. Someone who would extend his arms far and wide for a young man who’d lost himself long ago, who’d made life-altering and self-destructive decisions, who’d been cast out long ago by the people he’d hurt. Nowhere in those stark blue eyes did he see a ruthless murderer. Chewing at the inside of his cheek, Malcolm let out a shaky breath. “Does it ever get better?” he asked meekly. “The guilt? Does it – does it ever stop hurting so much?”

Cole could only imagine the slew of thoughts racing through Malcolm’s mind at any given moment, and yet still, he hoped the younger man could grant himself enough grace to see the massive step forward he’d taken by coming here. If he couldn’t, Cole would do his damndest to believe it enough for the both of them. Because Malcolm could’ve easily given in and used just like his mind had tempted him to, but he hadn’t. Here he was, sitting across from him, and that spoke volumes– he only hoped that Mal could see that too. “And I’m so fuckin’ proud of ya for that,” Cole echoed on the coattails of Mal just reiterating the very fact that he was here. He could be anywhere and Cole knew that, but he wasn’t. It deserved recognition and Cole would drive that home until he was blue in the face if he had to. 

Cole fell quiet then, giving Malcolm room to speak on the differences between back then and now. While it was true that Cole often didn’t know what to say, he always listened, and the fact that Mal was even telling him any of this didn’t go unnoticed. Hearing the other man’s experiences had a way of bringing him back to Knoxville, back to Diana, and how her struggles seemed to mirror Mal’s in a lot of ways. He couldn’t help but soften a bit more then, “And here ya are,” he supplied, wanting to shed more light on the choices Mal had made tonight and how they spoke to all the progress he’d made. “You’ve come a long way, man. Tonight don’t change that, or define it.” 

Scratching at the stubble lining his jaw, Cole nodded, easily seeing how clear hindsight could really be, but he didn’t fault Malcolm for not telling Logan about his demons straightaway. “Ya had no way of knowin’ any of this shit was gonna happen,” Cole reminded him, thinking he owed himself some grace in that regard. “Think ya woulda told her regardless– on your own terms, y’know? Ya told me,” he pointed out, not doubting that if he’d been allowed the chance to tell Logan all of these things his way, then he would have. Smiling gently, he dipped his head, catching Mal’s eye for a moment, “Ya have it in ya to do all of those things, Mal, and ya don’t have to do any of it on your own. Got a whole army at your back now.”  There was a weight that Cole could feel settling in that pause between them, signaling the arrival of something heavy. “Anythin’,” he encouraged, though what Malcolm hit him with was certainly the last question Cole had been expecting, or mentally preparing himself for. A chill raced down his spine then, forcing him to shift in his seat as he glanced down at his hands, clasping them together to keep from fidgeting. He nodded, hesitantly at first, knowing his truth could very easily force Malcolm to see him in a different light, but that was a risk he’d have to take. He didn’t want Malcolm to know a facade anyway, he wanted him to know the good, the bad, and– more importantly, the ugly when it came to who he was. “Yeah, I have,” Cole sighed, lifting his gaze to meet Malcolm’s, unable to hide the conflict brewing in his baby blues. No, Cole wasn’t proud of the blood soaking his hands or the person he’d had to become to earn all those stains, but the thought of all the horrible things that would’ve happened had he not allowed himself to become a monster was even more unbearable. “Lost track of how many.”

#( trying to shorten it up for both our sakes XD ) #convo #c. cole monroe #cole 003.

[malcohen]

@logandonovan

#musings. #ft. logan donovan

[malcohen]

"She was." He remarked, a pained smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "You guys would have gotten along great. She was the kind of person who made friends wherever she went." While Malcolm always saw himself as a bit socially awkward, riddled with anxiety, Hannah had been far from it. Growing up there had been some envy on his part, for not being able to rise up to the standards she had set for herself, for their parents, but it had all been self-inflicted. And after a while, he simply didn't care -- couldn't care. He was always just too fucked up.

He welcomed the warm, comforting hand that rested gingerly on his arm, the small gesture meaning more to him at that moment than he was able to properly convey. "No -- no, I did. I definitely did," a short chuckle fell from his lips. "It was an accident, yeah, but that doesn't take away the fact that it was my fault. My own guilt and self-loathing aside...she'd be here still if it wasn't for me." Clearing his throat, he used the heel of his palm to wipe at the budding moisture at the corner of his eyes. "Sorry, it's just -- still hard." To talk about, that was. Even though there wasn't any discomfort in speaking to Logan about what he'd gone through, about what his family had gone through, that didn't mean it ever stopped being painful.

"Yeah, yeah, I did. And I love it here -- I'm happy here." He said, gaze softening as he looked at the brunette. "I don't want you to feel guilty about how we left things that night. I get why you reacted the way you did, after losin' your own sister and all." If anyone understood that feeling, it was Malcolm. A free hand moved to rest on top of Logan's, leaning forward then. "Listen, I've got...issues. A lot of 'em, really, but -- but I've spent the last eight years of my life trying to turn my life around and I ain't got any plans on stopping now," he shook his head. "I really like you, Lo. When I'm with you I feel...normal. As kinda weird and incredibly not romantic that sounds. So, if you think you might be willing to deal with all my fucked up baggage, I'd like to try and give this a shot with you."

As Logan absorbed his words, her expression visibly shifted, a frown etching its way across her features while he spoke. The weight of his sadness hung in the air, tangible and heavy, pulling at her heartstrings with a desire to reach out, to offer solace or support in any way she could. Yet, guilt gnawed at her insides, a relentless reminder of her own actions. "Your sister. She sounded amazing." The moment her phone had buzzed with that cryptic message from an unknown stalker, compassion, and understanding had evaporated; she had turned and left without a word. In her defense, Logan was entangled in her own web of grief, still trying to navigate the murky waters following her sister's death, and this personal turmoil had inevitably colored her response to Malcolm's pain.

The revelation of his past imprisonment sent another sharp jolt through her heart. "Malcolm, I- I," she began, her voice trailing into uncertainty. What words could possibly mend such a wound? Apologies seemed inadequate, and reassurances felt hollow. "That's awful," she murmured, softer than she intended, her words barely more than a breath. Her hazel eyes, usually so full of life, fell to the ground in a moment of hesitation. Then with a gentle grace, Logan extended her arms, her touch light on his forearm, offering a silent solace. It was her way of conveying that she was there, firmly by his side. She wanted to be his support, his comfort, in any way she could, despite the awkwardness and the pain that wedged between their realities. The silence hung heavy in the air, a palpable barrier between them until, finally, she mustered the courage to lift her gaze and meet his. "You didn't deserve that," Logan said, her voice imbued with sincerity and a depth of feeling she couldn't fully express. She truly believed he didn't deserve the misfortune that had befallen him, the self-loathing that was not his to bear. "But," she added, a hint of optimism threading through her tone, "you found Tonopah. It's a fresh start, you know? That's what you deserve."

#convo #logan 005. #c. logan donovan

[malcohen]

"Oh, right," Malcolm exhaled a plume of smoke, shaking his head at himself, "kinda forgot what day it was, if I'm bein' honest." The storm had passed as far as the secret drop went, and for the most part the male had done a good job of dealing with it, but it was hard not to be exhausted with the emotional storm that'd rattled his brain because of it. A short chuckle fell from his lips when Beau offered him a bite. "What, cigarettes don't count as breakfast?" he joked, after a moment reaching out and grabbing a small bag of Sun Chips. "Thanks. I'm usually a lot better about gettin' my meals in. It's just -- y'know. Been kind of a rough week, I guess." He shrugged. "I appreciate you lookin' out, though. I'm getting my head back on straight, promise." The last thing Malcolm wanted was for any of the guys to think he was slipping.

He nodded, putting on the coffee for himself, then getting some water boiling in a kettle for Malcolm. He glanced over towards the younger man again and shook his head. "One of the perks of being the boss is I get to make my own schedule. Plus, it's rare when we're open this early in the day unless it's a weekend," he explained. Grabbing out a few snacks from his stash, he made his way over to where Malcolm sat and showed him the spread. "If I had to place bets, I'd say you haven't eaten yet today, so pick one."

#convo #c. beau sinclair #beau 001.

[malcohen]

The storm had mostly passed after his secret had dropped, put on display for the entire town, but Malcolm would have been lying if he said he was all the way back to where he'd been mentally. Cole had offered him a place to crash on his scariest night, he and Logan had patched things up, and Malcolm had done something he'd never thought possible only a week ago; he'd stayed sober. Even despite being in such a negative headspace, one filled to the brim with fear and loathing, he'd gone against the old habits that had persisted with him for over a decade and stayed strong. Still, even despite the success, it was hard to reconcile with the overwhelming realization of just how close he'd been to letting it all go to waste, and while each day that passed got a little easier, Malcolm wasn't all the way there just yet.

He'd been watching a basketball game on the communal TV, discarding the butt of his cigarette onto a nearby ashtray when Nate suddenly pulled out a seat in front of him. Eyes widened slightly, mostly out of mere surprise considering he hadn't even realized Nate was back in town. Obviously, Malcolm had noticed an odd shift in the older males demeanor over the past few months, but had been a bit gobsmacked to hear he'd skipped town as well -- especially knowing how his nephew was missing and it'd been all hands on deck to look out for him. More than anything at that moment, Malcolm was just happy to see him in one piece, but as Nate opened his mouth and began to speak, he found it hard to keep his gaze.

Another wave of shame washed over him even as intense praise fell from his lips, but he swallowed thickly and simply nodded still. "That, um --" he cleared his throat, "-- that means a lot." And it did. Just because Malcolm wasn't necessarily in a place to internalize all of it didn't mean he didn't appreciate the sentiment, didn't mean that he wouldn't eventually just because he was having a hard time now. "I got pretty close to...you know. But I didn't. Somehow." The younger male exhaled, shaking his head. From the very beginning Nate had seen something in Malcolm that he'd struggled for years to see in himself, had helped guide him on a path to becoming someone again, and not just the shadow of the man he used to be. For that, he'd always be grateful, always be in Nate's corner no matter what. "Are you okay?"

with: @malcohen where: mc clubhouse

Seeing Mal sitting alone had Nate moving over towards him instantly, grabbing a chair with his left hand, just to position it across from the other. He hadn't actually sat down and spoken to him for a while - or at least, that's how it felt and Nate felt guilty for that. The way the Donovan had handled his own crippling weight had been shocking - it was to him, more so when he felt like he wasn't in his own body for the majority of it. It was that part that he felt he couldn't explain and there was apart of him that wasn't doing so, because his actions had still been his own. Especially to everybody he had hurt.

No, he technically hadn't hurt Mal, but he hadn't been there for him. It wasn't even a thought that had passed through his mind before, yet now? Now that he was able to think a fraction more clearly? He hadn't done enough. Nate knew better than anyone what Mal was going through, everyday it was a struggle just to be because addiction wasn't something you simply got over, and knowing that everybody knew about Hannah he could only imagine what the guy was going through. Not physically, but mentally. Nate was also aware he was days - weeks - late, but he was here now to correct a wrong.

So as he sits down on the chair he had pulled out for himself, he looks Mal over - taking in his expressions, looking into his eyes because that's always where the real sadness lived. "You should be proud of yourself, you know that?" Nate's tone was sincere, he doesn't say hi, he doesn't ask how he was, there wasn't a need. To explain his greeting? "For keeping your head above the water." he was sure Mal didn't feel that way, Nate was very familiar with feeling like you were drowning because your mind was completely consuming you, he could relate with him right now, and yet he knew Malcolm needed to hear what he was saying. "You're here and that makes you the strongest person I know." Mal having a large part of his past that haunted him plastered everywhere? Nate thought that would be enough of a reason for him to want to give in, to turn to the comfort of certain substances and he hadn't - at least, he could tell he hadn't just by looking at him. Sure, Mal looked broken (just as Nate did himself) but he was here.

#convo #c. nate donovan #nate 003.

[malcohen]

“Would you, though? Take it back if you could? I mean, I know you regret it, and you say you can’t take it back…but what if you had the chance, knowing what you know now and seeing how your life turned out ‘nd all?” He pondered, an elbow lazily leaning out the open window as he observed his friend. Malcolm understood regrets – hell, he probably understood them more than anyone, but there was a difference between life-altering decisions and life-shattering decisions. The latter was what he had dealt with for years with Hannah’s death; he wondered what category Ella fell into.  A soft smile curled at his lips, and he reached a free hand out to rest on their shoulder. “It’s nice seeing the people we used to know happy but…it sucks seein’ them be happy without us.” That was a sentiment he could surely relate to.

“Damn, I haven’t made a vision board since I was in fuckin’ elementary school. That being said: I would one-hundred and ten percent make one with you.” He laughed fondly, going quiet after a moment alongside them as they pulled into a lookout spot. Hearing them talk about their sisters, their family -- it was nice, really, and they painted a vivid picture that made something swell up within Malcolm's chest. "It really is beautiful. All of it." he said fondly, head tilting back against the headrest. "You all ever venture back here? Together?"

"A little bit of both. Mostly me being a coward," they admitted. "My genius self thought, it might be late but better to end it now then a divorce. I don't know, I was so out of my mind and overwhelmed I just felt like I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I was so nervous leading up to the day I was hardly eating or sleeping and the minute I left it was like this burden lifted. Feel guilty as fuck for it and absolutely regret it but can't take it back now," they admitted. If they could have that day back they couldn't in good conscience say they would have left again. Not with how things were now. Even with the business, had they really been doing better since the end of the engagement? They didn't really think they were. "It's alright, I blame me," they teased and shook their head. It seemed longer and longer ago but Ella thought about it every day. Thought about her every day whether they wanted to or not. "Anyway, she's seeing someone new I heard so I think she's gonna be alright," they added, trying not to seem so sad when they said it even though it was how it felt.

But they were easily pulled out of their thoughts by Malcolm's words and the way he went along with their movie idea. "Exactly. It's be fucking classic. End with us just sitting on the beach, staring at the sky and shit. It'll definitely beat Boston. And prison," they added with a laugh as they signaled to turn down a longer road. "We'll make a vision board of it," they joked, their mind unable to shake the nostalgia as they pulled down the all too familiar road towards their favorite lookout point. They were quiet again and took a deep breath. "My parents used to take my sisters and I out here all the time. I have two sisters, older one is Anna, younger one is Jenna. As the middle child I got the two l's instead of the n's so I don't know, maybe it set me off course," they joked but it was mostly to mask how hard it was to talk about their parents. "Every Sunday morning we'd be out here to watch the sunrise. My parents weren't really church goers so this was like our own spiritual thing but it works just as well with the sunset," they told him as they got closer to the lookout point and the glorious pink and oranges of the sky started to make an appearance. "It's my favorite part of this town."

#convo #c. ella cooper #ella 003.

[malcohen]

“Thirteen years? Shiiiiit.” Malcolm found himself lamenting, waving a hand quickly after. “Not to make you feel old or whatever. I just – damn. I can’t imagine doin’ anything for that fuckin’ long, y’know? Can’t even get myself to floss for more than a week straight.” Consistency had always been something that the male struggled with even now that he was sober, but thankfully there were one or two things he picked up on since getting out of prison that he didn’t see himself letting go off – running being one of them. “It is, man. Sunrises here are way prettier than they are in Boston, for real. You’ll have to let me know when you’re down for it.” Brows arched as Will revealed how close he and Logan were, pleasantly surprised. “Damn, I didn’t realize you guys were friends. I mean, probably should’ve guessed given her bein’ related to Nate and all. But, uh, yeah, I’ve been helpin’ her out with a few things around her shop ‘nd all.” Malcolm absentmindedly bit the inside of his cheek, suppressing a blush. “I mean, she’s – well, yeah, she’s more than dope. She’s great, she’s – she’s cool. I, uh, actually asked her out recently and we went  on a date.” One that had ended rather poorly given the timing of his own secret coming to light, but they’d talked things out not long after. 

“Is getting up to bullshit as a kid, like, the number one pre-req to becoming a Son? ‘Cause I’ve yet to meet any former ‘upstanding citizen’ types so far.” He joked., adding then, “That’s cool, though, that the people ‘round town see you as someone they can rely on. Probably feels rewarding in itself.” That’s the type of person that Malcolm aspired to be: dependable, reliable – someone like Will, who seemed to exude sunshine in both his demeanor and his actions. It was admirable. “And, like you said, the breakfast sandwiches don’t hurt.” He smirked, turning the faucet on as instructed. “Gross. Not exactly the most ideal thing to deal with before breakfast.” The comment Will made about making the town his own had him emitting a quiet sigh, a nod following soon after. “I’d like that. Like, that’s all I really want, y’know? Why I came here in the first place. I want to be somewhere where there ain’t this big storm cloud floating above me all the time, where I can be someone that people actually…” a pause, “...well. Where people can see me the way they see guys like you.”

"Shit," he said and let out a low whistle, "Like..13 years. I think was 25 or 26 when I started. Definitely moved a lot faster then," he joked. But it was definitely a bit crazy to think about how much had and hadn't happened in those 13 years. "A morning run, huh? You know I might take you up on that if it's as uh..dope as you say. And yeah, they make it easy for a reason. So you rely on it," he said and tapped the side of his head with a smirk. He raised an eyebrow at the mention of Logan. "That your top compliment? Yeah she's pretty dope. We've been friends since we were kids so yeah, you could say she's my best friend. She's the best. You've met her?" He was trying not to be nosey but for Logan's sake he had to be.

"Eh I like to help out where I can. Used to get up to a lot of bullshit when I was a kid and had to learn my lesson somehow. Started helping people out and then it just kind of became something I was reliable for. For once," he admitted, having grown a lot from those days. Mostly. He'd still take any gambling opportunity but at least he very rarely lost there. "I like being useful. And I like giving back to people who have given me and my Dads so much. Plus, once you have the breakfast sandwich you'll see why I help out so much," he joked, pausing to give the wrench one big pull. "Okay try it now," he told him, grinning as Mal turned on the sink and the water came clear and steady out the faucet. "Shit, at least this one was easy. Last week she asked me to fix the toilet and it was a shit show, literally." He held out his hand for Mal to help him up and got to his feet. "This could be your town too, you know? If you let it," he told him gently, hoping he understood the genuine intention behind his words.

#convo #c. will york #will 001.

[malcohen]

“I do – I will,” Malcolm affirmed with a nod. It’d been a hell of a long time since the male had even been able to speak about his sister to anyone, not only because of the overwhelming guilt that constantly threatened to consume him once the topic was broached, but also because he could never quite find the opportunity. Not unless he wanted to open up a can of worms, overshadow her life and legacy with his horrible deed. But now? It was nice, and it was even nicer knowing that somehow, maybe, she could hear and know how much he loved her. “I can try to, yeah.” Letting out a deep, cleansing exhale, Malcolm matched the other’s grin. “Thank you, Ariana. Really. This was – I mean, I didn’t know what the hell to expect goin’ into this, but…I’m thinkin’ I was meant to.” He wasn’t a spiritual person by any means ordinarily, but whatever Ariana was peddling? He could get behind it. “Maybe next time I’m in here you could teach me a bit more about how all this shit works. Like, on a technical level or whatever.”

"That's how you should remember her." As someone expressive and happy. Not to cast assumptions but she got the feeling that maybe his own guilt and grief put a shadow over all the good times they shared together. Aria couldn't help but smile when the name pulled a chuckle from him, always grateful for those small cues that let her know she was bringing him some peace. "She knows, and she's proud of you." That much she could feel without any doubt. "She can hear you, she's always heard you." Nodding, she offers a softer smile. "Maybe now you can let go of some of that guilt, huh?" She would like to hope he'd walk out of here feeling lighter, even if it was only a small amount.

#ariana 001. #c. ariana cruz #convo

[malcohen]

"She may be almost nine, but she's got little dog energy that's gonna follow her for another ten years at least." Malcolm had gone into the shelter right after getting out of prison with the mindset of wanting an companion, something to take care of that could help keep him accountable, so he really hit the jackpot with Pepper. The male leaned an elbow on the table, nodding then as fingers nervously brushed through his curls. "Yeah, okay." It wasn't necessarily a story he felt uncomfortable telling; just one that he didn't like to tell. One that reminded him of everything he'd lost, all the pain he'd suffered and caused, but Logan deserved an explanation. She deserved much more than he'd given her.

"I was a really anxious kid, really depressed. It got worse when I was a teenager, 'nd so I started using -- probably around fourteen or fifteen? Started with weed, but eventually it was pills and coke. Smack, too, sometimes, but only if someone else had it 'cause that shit was expensive. I was just -- it was the only thing that didn't make me feel, y'know? Like, sure, I wasn't fucking happy, but I also wasn't down, neither. Just numb." He shook his head, resting his chin on his hand. "My little sister's name was Hannah. We were only three years apart. She was just...she was great. Wicked smart, kind, funny. We were really close growing up. Even when I started using, she always tried to make an effort. I wasn't...all there, not enough to be present for her, but she still tried. My parents did, too. They were always supportive, they always tried to get me help, but...I was just such a shit head. Such an asshole."

He was getting off-topic. "Anyway," Malcolm cleared his throat. "She had these law school exams coming up. I guess she was nervous-- which, she shouldn't have been, honestly. She probably could'a passed after lookin' at the textbook one time, that was how fuckin' smart she was. But, uh, she asked me if I had anything that could help her focus, like Adderall or whatever, and I did. Just got some from this weird-ass fuckin' website that someone had told me about. So...I gave her some." Malcolm averted his gaze, eyes starting to sting as the memory washed over him.

"I get a call from my parents the next night -- well, I finally answered after, like, fifty missed calls. Apparently, uh, the pills were laced, and...she didn't make it." He paused, letting the words sink in. "My parents got me a lawyer, she got me a real good plea deal where I only did five years, manslaughter and not, uh, murder. But...that was sort of a parting gift. They don't want anything to do with me, and I can't really blame them. But, um, I got sober in prison. Did some school inside and all. When I got out I knew I needed to make a change, so I got my car back, got Pep, and headed out west from Boston to...here." He nodded, looking back at at Logan. "That's all of it. You can ask me whatever you want, if I didn't cover everything. Wouldn't be surprised if I let something out, though -- my memory is kind of shit."

Logan couldn't help but let out a giggle, witnessing the amusing spectacle of the two dogs in front of them. She watched as Cheddar playfully swatted at Sammy's tail, the dog blissfully unaware in his slumber. "Pepper being able to keep up with him must've caught him off guard. He's usually the annoying one at the dog park," She mused, attributing his behavior to the inexhaustible spirit typical of a Border Collie. Logan finished the last bite of her meal before her attention seamlessly shifted back to Malcolm. Despite the undercurrent of tension threading between them, it still flowed with ease with him. Shaking her head lightly, she offered, "You can start from the beginning." She paused, giving him space, "Or whatever you're comfortable with." The last thing she wanted to do was overwhelm him with a barrage of questions, that unintentionally made him uncomfortable.

#convo #logan 005. #tw mentions of drug use #tw mental illness