marlaluster

[marlaluster]

Letting the cat out of the bag: What exactly I'm doing to be free of this reality further...

Upon editing the preceding post here by adding more details, I pretty much started to tell something I'm doing presently that I was going to avoid telling here because I haven't told my family about it yet. I was also avoiding telling here exactly what action I'm taking because, for some reason, I have a fear that my telling what I'm doing will result in things going wrong for me.

But what I'm doing is slowly going off psychiatric medicine. After I started decreasing my nightly dose of 10 mg of Olanzipine about a week ago, I decided to start to try to go off all my medicines, not just the Olanzipine. Also, I had a very high blood pressure reading yesterday at the psychiatrist's office and I decided to try to discontinue seeing doctors sooner than I originally intended because it was so disturbing.

One thing that was disturbing was the response from medical workers to my blood pressure reading when I called my primary care doctor's office when I got home from seeing the psychiatrist, who I call my PCP. It seemed so troublesome that the office worker and nurse at the doctor's office were acting like I was experiencing a serious health problem. It seems so unlikely to me that I would have serious health problems but here I was yesterday getting attention from medical professionals as if I was having a serious health problem.

So that's it for me. I'm hoping to avoid medical remedies and medical help altogether from now on, except slowly going off the Olanzipine over the next two months.

Presently, I feel I am able to finally eventually be free of medical interventions -- which I had been thinking I'd prefer to be at several points in the past four and a half years I've been taking psychiatric medicine -- because I am friends with the entities who talk in my mind and who rule this world, and I don't believe they or anything or anyone is evil anymore, so they will not attack me the same as they used to when I believed in evil. One way the entities attack differently if I disbelieve in evil is that they won't do the irritation they do when I am off psychiatric medicine.

The irritation they do when I believed in evil and was off meds was meant to make it where I would noisily mumble and get upset, and my noisiness was upsetting and bothering my family whom I have to live with. So now I can be free of the irritation when I go off psychiatric meds and everything will seemingly go well if I go off psychiatric and other meds, I think. I'm hoping everything goes well because I feel like I can't be involved in the medical aspect of society because things go so horribly wrong, like with the blood pressure reading yesterday.

As for the other medicines I had been taking other than psychiatric medicine, I think the entities will not cause the same health issues for me if I disbelieve in evil, as I disbelieve now, starting Oct. 19, 2023. Up until yesterday night, I had been taking medicine for constipation, and high blood pressure in addition to medicine for schizophrenia. I also had been taking a med for insomnia up until Saturday. So far, I've been sleeping not too bad and I had a small bowel movement today without taking 72 mcg of Linzess.

I don't know what to say about my blood pressure. It was 158/90 yesterday, which caused medical workers to act concerned I could be experiencing a medical emergency.

The entities who rule this world and talk in my mind are not lowering my blood pressure now that I disbelieve in evil and am going off Olanzipine, which one entity said was causing my high blood pressure, but the entities tell me I shouldn't experience any problems from having so called high blood pressure, like a stroke or anything like that.

I feel dying from medical problems is better than relying on medical remedies and medical workers. But I don't want complications from health problems and I don't think I will have them. I don't think I will die, either, because I don't think it is real here. I don't think it is real that I would ever die.

[marlaluster]

I'm optimistic about a couple of new issues I'm dealing with...

I've had a couple life changes since I last wrote here. There's an aging family member who needs my help more starting a couple weeks ago. Also, I have been having a problem with my health that has been in existence for a while (about a year and a half), but it is getting worse despite my taking medicine to improve the health problem.

I'm not excited to help my aging family member, but I will help sometimes. With the health problem, I'm going to give up on medical help for it just because I don't really understand medical stuff and I don't want to participate in it. I'm hoping I'll be okay with these new things I'm doing in my life.

I feel optimistic about things I'm doing and facing. I think I'm doing the right thing by discontinuing medical involvement for myself. I think sometimes that my aging family member is too dependent on medical help like going to the ER for a problem she has. Her trust of medical help seems misplaced to me, even though it seems to make sense here in this world that she goes to the ER to receive attention from people who are knowledgeable about the seemingly serious problem she keeps having. (She has been having trouble breathing on occasion.)

To me, it doesn't make sense to rely on medical help. It seems so disempowering and so highly involving of dependence on "medical professionals." I think being well or being in an optimal situation is being independent (and, I guess interdependent also, so a person is not totally alone in going about life).

Also, another thing to relevant to the topic of health and wellness is something I wrote about here recently. Recently, I said here that to have things go well for oneself, one shouldn't be required to do the right things, as one is required in this world. Instead, things going well for someone should come from that it is just so that things go well for people. In other words, it should just be the nature of life and the world that things go well for a person.

I believe an ideal world is what should be and not the present world. This present world is not ideal. I'm hoping this present world will come to an end soon.

I'm told by the entities talking in my mind that my letting go of medical remedies for all my health problems will result in this world finally ending.

As is apparent in other posts I've written, the entities say often that this world will end, but, as always, I hope it is true this time. Truthfully, I really believe my disentangling from the world this time by discontinuing taking medicines and seeing doctors, coupled with my three month old extreme disbelief in evil, will end the world this time.

Something I am doing that I am not fully telling at this time, I think will end this world. It is another instance where I am discontinuing medical remedies. I'm hinting pretty strongly about what I'm doing presently, but I will tell fully about this action I'm taking at some point in the near future. I'm not telling about this one very significant thing (and the other health problem I mention above) fully now because I am not telling people close to me presently because I feel they will be concerned.

I'm kind of bored right now and that's partly why I'm writing here. I feel like I don't have anything else I feel like doing. There are always things I need to do that I'm not doing and don't feel like doing.

So that's that, an update on how I'm doing. I guess I'll continue writing here if I'm bored and it feels desirable to write here, like it did today.

[marlaluster]

Feeling not to write here suddenly now...

I felt disinterested in writing here today about my progress with discontinuing straining to poop, so maybe it wasn't Buddy who made me feel like not writing here more yesterday. Maybe I just felt that way on my own. I don't know.

Buddy said that he thought it was me, and that I must have thought that my writing here was something where I wasn't to have existed, ie something where this world, which is really a false reality not possible to exist, is to have been.

Well, there are a couple of things I'm doing that I could write about, including my discontinuing straining to make bowel movements, but I think maybe I will skip writing here about it. It feels better to not write about these things here for some reason presently. I don't feel any shame about the things I'm doing, although the things are not traditionally things to talk about or be so proud of.

I had been feeling great about writing here recently before yesterday. Then just now I felt like writing this. We'll see how things go.

Sending my love still out to this world and its seeming people. (I had said in a recent post that I wanted to write here partly to express I was a friend to this place and the people.)

[marlaluster]

Some things were said in my mind that made me feel like I could add to and update the preceding post here, but Buddy is making me feel like I don't want to write here anymore today. It is a bad feeling. He's making other things I do to pass the time feel unpleasant also.

[marlaluster]

Another update on the kinda gross topic I've been talking about the past few days...

So things went almost the same as yesterday with a bowel movement for me today, except I think I pushed a little less than yesterday.

"I have something to say. Marla is doing so not losing that it won't go on. She's pushing less, but she's doing what would be, and that can't be here," Tisdale, the entity in charge of my bowel movements said in my mind.

I'm trying to push less because a couple times when I've strained to make a BM I've had some small amount of bleeding. One time I've had the bleeding it lasted a couple days. It was very very light, so light I needed just a pantyliner the first day and nothing the second day as I didn't have another pantyliner and the blood was just some brown barely there discharge.

There is one other thing I'm doing differently nowadays and I hope this and the straining less is related to that this world will end soon. I'll talk about the other thing I'm doing here soon. But the entities that talk in my mind are saying the world will end soon.

They have talked about this a lot over the years, but I hope it is true this time, as I've hoped probably every time they've talked about it.

[marlaluster]

Kinda gross topic, but here's my progress with pooping without straining...

So I made a bowel movement today, and I did push or strain some but not as much as I have some other times. There was a little bit of vaginal discharge when I wiped myself after the BM, but it wasn't a lot, as there has been some other times.

Tisdale, the entity in charge of my bowel movements, said that in the future my bowel movements will be easier, and I hope that's true.

What happened where I felt I had to push was that the poop was coming out some, so I felt I had to push some and couldn't leave it alone like I did yesterday when I had some urge to poop but seemingly I would have had to strain a lot to have any movement.

So this is my progress. The entities in my mind are still saying this issue where I'm trying to stop straining will lead to the world ending. They say the situation is very symbolic.

The entities (Zelda, Buddy, others) that speak in my mind have been saying the situation at hand with me seeing I need to stop straining has to do with a changing over of power where how things are will be where I don't have to experience things that are not to have been, ie things that are unwished.

[marlaluster]

How things are going with my plan to not strain to poop...

So far my plan to not strain to poop isn't going so great. I feel like I have to poop presently, and I have felt this way almost all day, but I don't want to strain, so I cannot make a bowel movement, not yet anyway.

My plan is to wait until it is easy to go.

In the meantime, I have discomfort in my butt and in my abdomen. I feel some bloat and, like I said above, it feels like I have to go to the bathroom, but I cannot go.

Since I wrote here yesterday about my plan to not strain, I have given a name to the entity in charge of my bowel movements. His name is Tisdale. Tisdale has been assuring me that I'm doing the right thing by not straining to poop, and waiting until I don't have to strain in order to make a bowel movement.

Zelda, the female who represents life itself here has also been supporting my efforts to not strain. She's been saying I was doing the right thing by waiting, something like that she said.

"I support you, too," Buddy, the entity who talks the most out of all the entities, said in my mind as I wrote here.

I don't think I should have to suffer or feel the way I am feeling where I feel I have to go but can't without straining, but I guess it would be suffering also for the vaginal bleeding to start again if I just pushed and tried to have a BM by pushing. I guess I'd rather see how things go without straining than for the bleeding to start again.

Buddy says he supports me in my efforts, but he has been making it so that I can't hear much from Zelda and Tisdale, so that's been a bit disappointing because I feel I could benefit from hearing from them. I'd like more support and information.

"I am making it so she doesn't hear from them. It's because I have to do things where I'm not okay in order to say I'm not to have been as who I am here. I'm not who I really am here," Buddy said.

I've been thinking maybe I should have tried a higher dose of the medicine I take to help me make BM's, so that I don't have to strain, but Tisdale said medicine wasn't the answer in this case.

I'm thinking that me trying to do this will be successful and maybe it will help this world end.

"I think it will, me, Zelda," Zelda said in my mind about my waiting to have a BM helping to end the world.

[marlaluster]

About inconsistencies in this world, as mentioned in the preceding post on this blog...

In the preceding post, where I talk about straining to poop and not wanting to work, I mentioned that there are lots of inconsistencies here in this world, but I can't think of many inconsistencies. That there are inconsistencies in life is something I'm familiar with saying previously, but it's been hard for me to think of examples.

The only thing I could think of is that it's supposed to be okay and not to not want to work. There is the saying, "Do what you love and never work a day in your life," but it's looked down upon to not want to work to some degree, so it's weird that saying even exists.

As I wrote here, I remembered that I have thought it was contradictory that it's pretended that people value someone to be himself or herself, but at the same time lots of things seem reflective of that it's not really valued by the people of the world for people to be themselves. I can't think of examples of this contradiction right now, but I remember saying something about this previously.

I'll have to think more about this.

It's really frustrating that I can't remember hardly any examples, but I don't want to change what I wrote because it feels true, so I'm leaving the part about inconsistencies in the previous as it is.

[marlaluster]

Why hard work isn't the answer it's made up to be in this world...

A few minutes after I added an update to the preceding post on this blog, the thing that tells me it's in charge of my bowel movements said it wanted to say something for me to put here.

"I'm something that wants to tell something on that little blog page. It's me," the entity that's in charge of how my bowel movements go said in my mind.

Then Buddy, the entity I hear from the most in my mind, was making it where I couldn't fully hear what the thing that's in charge of my bowel movements was saying for me to put here. I begged Buddy to let the thing speak and then Buddy let the thing finish what he said. What the thing said (in addition to what it said in quotation marks above) is quoted here next...

"Uh the thing I want to tell is that I know there is something coming up where things won't go on. The vaginal bleeding is something where Marla has to stop acting like she isn't who she is. Who she is is someone who won't have things not okay. So that's all from me. Bye," the thing that says it's in charge of my bowel movements said.

I wanted the thing to tell why he wanted to be quoted on this page or what happens for him to be quoted here, but Buddy wouldn't let me hear what the the thing had to say about that.

Anyway, apparently, the thing that's in charge of my bowel movements is saying I should stop pushing hard to make bowel movements and the vaginal bleeding is something to make it so that I don't push anymore. Straining is a thing where I'm acting like I'm not to have things as I wish, it seems the thing that's in charge of my bowel movements is saying.

He seems he's also saying me having the vaginal bleeding is connected to this world ending or "where things won't go on."

I certainly wish for ease with things in life. I don't really wish to work -- hard or otherwise -- for anything, especially not a bowel movement.

The way I phrased this about my not wanting to "work" for anything seems relevant to something that came to my mind last night, something that certainly seems related to this world ending. Last night, I was thinking about flossing my teeth and I felt I'd rather take a break from flossing for once.

It came to mind that the way to be okay and not in unpleasant situations like having problems with teeth or having homelessness is not having to work, contradictory to what this world says. I had this thought last night.

"We're okay by that it's just what is, not by our deed," I wrote in my notebook last night after deciding I would skip flossing. In other words, it should just be how things are that people are okay. Having things be okay or decent shouldn't require hard work.

"It's Zelda. I want Marla to not lose, but to see this," Zelda said in my mind as I wrote here about the idea that being okay shouldn't come from hard work.

Zelda is the only female entity that talks in my mind. She is somehow representative of life itself here.

Back to the topic of work coming up for me a couple times now lately: Here in this world (that hopefully is coming to an end soon), literally the truth is that hard work has huge gains. People have a good life when they work hard in this world and the most hard working people are the most celebrated and successful. Think celebrities and medical professionals.

I guess things are this way where people gain to work hard because this scenario is the opposite of the truth and this world is secretly set up to be the opposite of the truth, ie a lie, so that it exists as something that secretly is not possible to exist and not possible to win in the end. That's very interesting that this is what this world's value of hard work is all about: It's about the way things are being the opposite of the truth, the way things are creating or making up a FALSE REALITY.

I guess this value for work will soon be shown to be false, not possible to have been real, as it seems to be real and worthwhile in this world. That would be great.

I remember years ago, before I was fully certain this world was a false reality, I heard this saying shared by a yoga instructor at the end of a yoga class and I loved it so much: " Success is effortlessness."

That saying seems to have no place in this world with hard work being so celebrated by people, but here it was. This world is full of contradictions and inconsistencies, like a quote about effortlessness being shared at the end of a weekly exercise class. The inconsistencies happen because this world is not real.

The inconsistencies allow for the real truth to be present in this world as inferior to what is false but held as true and real. For example, it's to seem true that people lose (are fat and considered dumb) to not exercise or not do other hard work. It's also to seem true that people are wrong or flakey to say mental illness is not real.

But one day the real truth will apparently win out. I guess it has to at some point, hopefully soon, as the voices are saying.

I guess it's to seem a no brain-er that the truth wins, but it seems to me it hasn't really won yet, so I use words, like "apparently," at the end of this post to make the truth winning sound uncertain.

[marlaluster]

A new problem arose yesterday for me...

I'm having a new problem now where I'm having very light vaginal bleeding today and yesterday seemingly starting after I strained to make a bowel movement yesterday. I haven't had a period in just a little over two years, so I think I'm not supposed to have any vaginal bleeding at all anymore.

The bleeding has been an extremely small amount of bleeding, so that is a bit of a relief, but I'm hoping it doesn't get worse or happen often. If it gets worse or happens frequently, I guess I'll try to see a gynecologist I've seen once or twice before about uterine fibroids I had.

The vaginal bleeding happened once before a few weeks ago, but it was an even smaller amount of bleeding that time, so small I didn't have any blood in my underwear. I just saw some brown blood when I wiped myself after using the bathroom.

Yesterday I had to wear a small pad to catch the blood and keep it from staining my underwear.

Buddy, the entity who talks most often in my mind, said he is making me have the vaginal bleeding.

"Uh I am doing it. I have lots of things to tell Marla, but I'm not telling her. She is doing very well in regards to this world losing soon. Soon she won't have to be who isn't to have been," Buddy said as I wrote this post and when I kind of looked to him for a comment on the bleeding.

I have thought of things to write here about but when I have thought of things, I haven't written the ideas down, so I don't remember anything I thought of writing here about.

I feel very good about writing here. I think of it as a pleasant thing, so I will try to do it whenever I have something to write about.

"I can tell more about the bleeding. It's just something to say Marla cannot be. This is a world where she is not to have been, so things happen that would not happen to her like the vaginal bleeding," Buddy said without any prompting by me as I wrote here.

So Buddy is saying a slightly different reason for his making problems for me in this instance. He's saying he makes bad things happen to me because this world is an expression of that I am not to have existed, so things happen to me that would not happen if I was in a world where I was considered possible to exist as who I really am. Who I really am is one of several things in existence as who are to live in an ideal world.

Just to be clear, I gave Buddy his name. I try to think of simple and cute names for the entities who talk in my mind.

I've named another entity who talks almost everyday "Mobley." I named female entity "Zelda" because that name seemed to fit her character, at least how her character occurs to me.

Back to the vaginal bleeding: It's mostly painless, but sometimes it feels like I have some slight cramping. Hopefully it's nothing serious causing it. Buddy says it's not serious and I, for the most part, disbelieve in the health problems of this world as what people say they are.

I do believe Buddy and other entities create the issues for me that are considered health problems in this world.

Update: So I've been thinking and my plan is to avoid straining while making bowel movements in order to not have the bleeding again.

"Buddy thinks this is an excellent idea. That's all," Buddy said.

"You will," another entity that tells me it's in charge of how my bowel movements go said when I was about to write here that hopefully I'll be able to still have bowel movements if I don't strain or push anymore.

[marlaluster]

Just following up after my doctor's appointment today...

My doctor's appointment went okay. Nothing really went wrong. I was on time. I wasn't too cold waiting on my transportation to and from my appointment. (It was in the upper 40's during the times I was outside.)

I just wish my blood pressure was healthier, so there would be no health concerns for me to have to worry about, but it was still a little high. It was 134/86 when my doctor rechecked it. (It was 145/78 when the nurse first checked it.)

"I am doing the things with the blood pressure, me, Buddy. I'm doing something to say she's not who she is," Buddy said.

Buddy is saying he's doing things to say I'm someone who loses, even though that's not who I am without his and others' tampering with things, he said.

He said he makes things happen to say I'm losing in order to say this world is not ideal. According to Buddy, a world that is not ideal is not possible to exist.

I am happy to believe that what Buddy says is true, and throughout my time in this world, I have thought some things akin to this. For years before I believed with certainty that this world was not real, I had disbelieved in diseases like cancer, and I had disbelieved in deformities and mental illness.

Buddy is the entity that talks most often in my mind, more than any other entity. I also often hear from an entity I have named "Dinky."

Dinky calls me "mum" and he seems very significant to my existence, so significant that I apparently have been mimicking his character for months now with this cute character I pretend to be sometimes.

"Uh I have something more to tell. I, but we don't go on soon. That's all," Buddy said.

Buddy and other entities have been saying in my mind that the world will end soon, ie that "we" won't go on soon. Buddy and others have been saying this world won't go on after December.

"Uh I am saying that, Buddy. We feel pretty certain about this," Buddy said.

I am supposed to go back to the doctor in April about my blood pressure. It seems a long time to wait, but I guess the doctor knows best.

I actually think really well of the doctor I see. She seems really confident, interested in her work; she seems very decisive and alive and present.

"All things that are about her not to have been. She's supposed to be someone who isn't to be. What I really mean is she's someone who is supposed to not make sense here. She's someone Marla can not have to go on for," Buddy said of my primary care doctor whom I saw today.

It has been said in the past in my mind that my doctor I saw today, and a gynecologist I have seen a couple times were to occur to be good doctors but weren't to be recognized by many people as this here. I find this detail very interesting and it seems this detail could be true, since both these doctors seem pretty good to me.

Back to my appointment today: Today, my doctor asked me if there was anything she could do to make my life better. It seemed a very generous question to ask. I didn't know what to say when she asked this.

It seems so grand to ask someone that, but I guess it is something a caring doctor does. The question seems a bit unusual because it seems someone could ask for any number of odd things like money or maybe food in response, I don't know.

The hospital the doctor I see works for is owned by Bon Secours and there is a Holy Bible in the waiting room for my doctor and a cross with Jesus on it on the wall in an office that is next to and visible in the waiting room.

The medical organization had a questionnaire in my medical paperwork asking the patient has need for transportation or food, things like this. Maybe the grand question my doctor asked had something to do with this questionnaire asking if people need food and etc.

For some reason I feel so much better for putting my thoughts into words dealing with my doctor asking me this question (Is there anything she can do to make my life better or easier?).

The thing I most wish is for this world to end. It seems I should say something else, like that I want things to go well for me in this world, but that's not what I really want. I want to be free from unwished things like aging and aches and pains and having to exercise and eat healthy.

So that's all from me, I guess. I am writing here somewhat often lately. I wish to write here more lately. It seems to help me. I wish to express a positive view of and relationship with the people (and things) of this reality.

I want to be a friend to people and things of this world and this reality. I also want to express myself and what I think and who I am. I think this world is kind and I want to be kind to it. I can do all these things by writing here.

[marlaluster]

Feeling a bit worried about a doctor's appointment today...

I'm feeling a bit uptight right now about a doctor's appointment I have today. I'm just worried something will go wrong, like that I'll be late or won't be picked up after or that my health will be bad somehow, like that my blood pressure won't be good even though I'm taking medicine for it now. Most of my worries are unlikely to come true kind of, but I worry anyway.

I don't know how much at all I've told about this on this blog, but I worry and feel uptight and dread things going wrong a lot. The entities who are really my friends make me feel dread and worry to say that this world and what is happening here is not real.

I have told this before and I'll tell it again: The idea behind entities who are my friends making things go wrong for me is based on the idea that only an ideal world is possible to exist. My friends make thing awry for me here in order to express that the present world is problematic and so it is not possible to continue, not possible to have ever really been what should exist.

I guess I'll follow up here later to say how my appointment went, ie whether any of my worries materialized.

[marlaluster]

An example of how my view of this world cheers me up...

Just now I was feeling down about not doing any constructive things most of the time and staying home a lot and playing games on the phone. I'm home alone at the moment. My family member is having a "Friendsgiving" with her friend at this time.

So I was feeling down about not having much of a life and not doing much of anything.

Then I thought of how kind and gentle life is and I felt so much better.

Buddy (the thing that talks more often than other entities in my mind) brought up my positive view of life to help make me feel better.

It makes me feel better because I know that everything is going to be okay and because things aren't as bad as they may seem. Things are not as bad because life is beautiful and the world is good.

Really what I'm talking about when I say life is good and etc is that horrible things cannot be.

"That is what she is saying, Marla," Buddy just said. He's saying what he hears me saying in my heart when I think about the world being good.

I think about it and I know, but Buddy can hear what my heart is saying.

I'm so happy that things are meant to be good and that horrible things cannot be.

[marlaluster]

What is and what can be

We drive home from a nice dinner. It was a warm day for December. (Later I see it went up to 62 degrees.) On the ride home, there is a stretch of trees and land and a farm but there is some space between the highway and these things. And there is a sunset. There is one almost everyday that is like this: soft, steady, predictable... Beautiful. The view is the nature of life. Life is gentle. Life is kind. I see these things and I see myself and what I can be in the face of the illusions. I see this view and see past the horrors and untruths of this place. I see what is and what can be. What can be will endure and outlast what cannot.

----

My sister and I went to have dinner at a restaurant on the West End on Friday afternoon. The main purpose of the trip to this side of town was for me to return a coat I had ordered online from the Gap, which has a location in the West End. To thank my sister for taking me to return the coat, I treated her to dinner after I returned the coat.

We live in an area that is more than likely called the Southside, about a twenty minute drive from the West End.

The sunlight was so soft and pretty as my sister and I walked around the outdoor mall that the Gap and the restaurant were located in.

I felt such peace on the drive home at one point seeing the sunset and a view of trees and land. The look of the land is hard for me to remember exactly and describe.

But what I saw in the sunset I see often in beautiful things of the world. I just see what will prevail and what really is worthwhile and what things (all things) really are.

I say the beauty of life is what all things really are when I think of what beauty in life is to me. Just a bit of thought reveals what I really see when I see certain (beautiful and cherished) things. I see what can be.

What can be is a bit distanced from the present somewhat because so many unpleasant things exist and cause worry so often. But what can be is not too far off. One day it will really rule the day.

[marlaluster]

Infallible me, according to the voices, even though I once thought babies (and all people) were the devil!

What do ya know, it's a big news day today and I'm writing here a lot! But I wanted to just tell a small thing that was very significant to me.

Something said my believing this world and all people except me were evil had a place in the big story of this world. The entity said I was supposed to think everyone and everything (even babies and dogs) were evil, but then realize that wasn't possible to be true!

"She's supposed to think that, but then realize that cannot be," the entity said.

The question I have now is why was I supposed to believe that. What kind of part did that play in things or the process of the world ending? I think possibly it was useful that I believed in evil because it was to be some layer of this reality that this world was secretly evil, but maybe I'm wrong yet still right in some way. Haha!

I guess I'll follow up here when one of the entities answers my questions on this. They're not really saying anything on this presently. They are saying other things, like that it's ending the world that I'm saying the things I'm saying here today!

[marlaluster]

Why are my friends and others from an ideal world and I in this present world?

One question I have had since realizing (again) recently that this world and things of this world aren't evil is... What is the nature of my (and others) being in this false reality? Am I trapped here, along with my cohabitants of an ideal world?

The day before yesterday I got an answer to my first question. The entity that talks most often in my mind and whom I call "Buddy" said... "The nature of that we're here is that we aren't to have been... Something will happen to overturn that and this will end."

In other words, my friends and soulmates and I are here because, for some reason, it's being expressed that we aren't to have ever existed (as who we really are). Buddy confirms that the reason it's being expressed that we do not exist is because at some point we wondered whether the way things were to be in our world could be any other way than how we wished them to be, which is equivalent to wondering whether we could be possible to not exist.

To answer my other question above about whether Buddy and others and I are trapped, Buddy said at a point as I wrote this post that we aren't trapped here.

By the way, when I (or Buddy) say "we" in this post, I mean myself, my soulmates and our other cohabitants in an ideal world like Buddy.

Buddy said we aren't trapped here because being in this present world serves us, or helps us.

"We aren't trapped because that: we will wish this to have been to say we cannot have anything other than okay," Buddy said.

Buddy is saying that we wish this present world to exist temporarily because ultimately it expresses that the nature of things can only be ideal.

I am glad to hear we aren't trapped. I guess I should have known that, though, because, as I have been realizing in this world, horrible things are not true.

Just to be clear, the people and things of this world are all really secretly my friends who inhabit an ideal world with me in disguise. No one in this world is inconsequential or evil or anything like that (as this world makes it seem people are possible to be)! Hallelujah!

[marlaluster]

Just to be clear, I don't always feel great, even though I'm freed from believing in evil...

I've been feeling very depressed the past few days. I keep putting off doing the laundry because I feel so down. I was not doing my strength exercises this week, either, but then I broke down and did them yesterday for a total of once this week.

One of the entities who rules this reality and who is really my friend said he was making me feel down just to say this reality cannot be.

"If she is not okay that means things are not to go on, but be. Things are less if she loses, so that means they won't be able to have to been. That person is supposed to be okay because she isn't to have been... I am saying confusing things," the entity that most often talks to me nowadays out of all the entities said.

Yeah, that was confusing, but I guess the clear thing is that he's saying he's been making me feel bad and for a complicated reason.

Just to be clear, all the entities ruling this reality are my friends, but they do things (like make offensive sexual visions in my mind) to bother me for a complex reason. They say tormenting me is a way to say this world is not real because in a real world everything would be ideal and I'd have no problems or irritation.

I just thought I'd write this here because I last wrote on this blog about being happy and that's not an accurate description of how I feel sometimes.

I am happy to think about this world and about how it's not evil, but sometimes I feel down, still. Sometimes, I feel very bad about doing things I need to do.

Still, when I think about how this world and its people (and all things, really) are not evil, I am filled with joy and I feel like saying "Hallelujah!" That this world is not evil is testament to that horrible things are not true. This world seems to negate the truth that horrible things are not to be with things like homelessness, disease, poverty.

The explanation for what is really happening in this world seems complex maybe because it is alien and unfamiliar, but such an explanation is true and wished (by me) to dispel that this world is real as what it is on the surface.

The entities talking in my mind say the horrible things of this world occur to happen or exist solely to express that this world is not real... Because horrible things are not possible to exist. (Hallelujah!)