maytheeighteenth-blog

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Happy Birthday to me

I just turned 18 and I just realized the most bullshit thing that is called “Birthdays”.

Why Bullshit, you asked? Well, here are a few reasons why.

People I don’t really know greet me on facebook, “Happy Birthday!” as if we were long-termed friends who just got separated for abroad. People I rarely talk to, people who sometimes ignore me on the streets, people who don’t really care at all suddenly become my closest friends and invite me on dates and hang out sessions and just wanna “catch up” because hey, why not. It’s my birthday.

But you wanna know what’s the most bullshit thing about birthdays? It’s pretending to be happy when deep inside you’re dying. It’s faking a smile because you’re supposed to be happy on your birthday. It’s being forced nicely to celebrate because it’s your birthday and you shouldn’t be spending your birthday locked up in your room alone eating ice cream and watching netflix.

It’s bullshit because by the end of the day, after the celebration is over, you’ll go home back to that bed you should’ve been on in the first place, still alone and struggling because birthdays don’t fix your problems. Wishes before you blow your candles don’t come true. That one year added to your age just means another year full of crap and shit and struggles until another year has passed and you’ll have to deal with another bullshit birthday once more.

I never made a wish before blowing those candles, because I myself saw by the end of the day just how ordinary the day is to the people you’re celebrating it with. Birthdays are just an excuse for other people to party, for other people to drink. It’s a free food pass to some while a straightforward ordinary day to some. Birthdays are not specials. They’re just an excuse, a bullshit day for people like me.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

What is wrong with her?

She skips class. She doesn’t submit school outputs. She isolates herself from her crowd. She doesn’t fucking attend group assemblies.

She is emotionally unstable. She is frustrated with the way her life is right now. She has lost all hope and dedication and submits herself now to failure.

Why?

Why the fuck is she like this? What made her like this? Why is she so fucking ruined that she’s ruining her own life without giving a thought about those who cared for her? 

What the hell is wrong with her that she can’t even help herself? Why is she always so wrapped up in her own emotions that she has to always hassle other people? Why is she always overthinking that she can’t sort things out? Why is she always drained--physically, mentally, and emotionally--that she doesn’t have the strength to even get up? Why is she still here when she chose to give up?

Because, tbh, I’m tired of trying to fix her. I am tired of helping her be alright when by the end of the day she breaks down and I have to start all over again. I am tired of seeing her hassle other people. I am tired of fighting with her. I am tired of giving her assurance. I am tired of her and her dramas and I just want her to stop.

I want to make her stop. But I can’t.

Because I am her and she is me. And I can’t fucking leave her alone.

So I have to deal with her shit everyday. It makes me sick to be her, what more the people around her? I fucking hate her. 

I fucking hate her.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

After ridding myself of spur of the moment emotions

Nadala ako ng emosyon sa last post ko. Mian, Justine. I’ll be voicing out my thoughts dito sa post na to and they’re thoughts with a clear mind after getting over that depression episode. So read well. Kasi these are my true emotions.

Hindi tayo okay. Noon pa lang, ramdam ko na na hindi tayo okay. I guess pareho tayong nagpretend na walang problema..? Kasi pareho tayong ayaw na guawa ng gulo..? Pero anyare ngayon? Hahaha. Mas sira pa tayo kesa sa tiyan ng orgmate natin’g may masamang nakain.

Hindi ko naman dinedeny na may kasalanan ako. In fact, inaamin ko nga na dahil sakin kaya tayo ganto. Kung hindi sana ako nainggit. Kung hindi sana ako naging papansin. Kung nanahimik nalang sana ako. Inaamin ko yung mali ko. Pinagsisihan ko na yun. Nagsisisi ako nasaktan kita. Sinubukan ko pa ngang bumawi diba?

Alam ko namang may mali ako pero bakit kailangan mo lagi ipamukha? Bakit kailangan sakin lagi yung balik ng sisi sa tuwing nagkakaproblema tayo? Sabi mo napatawad mo na ko. Akala ko napatawad mo na ko. Sabi mo wala na yun. Pero bakit ganun? Haha

Kasi sa totoo lang, nasasaktan ako. Sa lahat kasi, ikaw yung pinaka akala kong makakaintindi. Ikaw na mismo nagsabi na pareho tayong diagnosed kaya akala ko ikaw yung pinaka makakatulong. Akala ko tayo yung magtutulungan sa tuwing nati-trigger tayo. Haha bakit ngayon..?

Pero syempre, diba kailangan rin natin tulungan sarili natin every now and then. Bakit bigla nalang ako naging selfish? Haha. Never ka naman naging selfish sa paningin ko eh. Yung mga times na gusto mo mapag-isa, mawala, yung mga pino-point out mo yung mga wala ka and how you wanted things na people like me can’t even afford to dream. I never considered you selfish. Pareho lang nating tinutulungan sarili natin. Siguro magkaiba lang ng approach pero still. Haha. Ang unfair. Hypocrite na ba talaga ako? Selfish? Toxic, siguro, pero kaya ko nga kayo minsan tinutulak palayo eh kasi ayoko nahahassle kayo sa “mess” ko haha.

Anyway, hindi na ko galit sa mga sinabi mo. Masakit pa rin pero di na ko galit. Kahit kailan naman ata hindi ako nagalit ng matagal sayo. Pasumpong-sumpong lang, siguro. Pero hindi galit as in WW3 na hahaha. Hindi ko kaya magalit ng matagal kasi kahit ganto tayo ngayon, kapatid pa rin tingin ko sayo. Hindi ako masaya pag wala ka sa grupo. Hindi ako nagsisisi kasi pinasok kita sa grupo kaya wag mo sana iisipin yun. Kasi masaya ako nakasama kita sumayaw kahit saglit lang. Hindi man tayo nagcollab, atleast diba may memories tayo sa mga performances hahaha.

Sayo ko muna iiwan yung grupo ah? Galingan niyo. Aalis muna ako haha para toxic-free muna yung grupo lol.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

To that one friend.

Justine.

I know what I did before was a mistake. Nasaktan kita, napahiya kita, nasira ko friendship natin. Oo, inaamin ko lahat. At ilang beses na ko nagsorry para dun. Alam mo yan. Binigyan kita ng time, nagpasapak pa ko sayo, sinubukan ko bumawi. Lahat sinubukan kong gawin kasi guilty ako sa mali ko. Alam kong may kasalanan ako sayo kaya hindi ako nagrereklamo kung iniiwan mo na ko or what. 

Pero sabi mo, okay na. Napatawad mo na ko and such. Hindi ako naging walking warning, sabi mo. Past is past. Kalimutan na natin. And so I did. Kasi akala ko, we both moved on. Akala ko magsisimula tayo ulit. Akala ko okay na yun. Pero putangina, ano na ngayon? Bakit bini-bring up mo pa rin yun?

Sige. Given na na nasaktan ka ng todo, na napahiya ka ng todo, na putangina traumatized ka na or what. Ako rin besh. Tingin mo ba hindi rin ako nasaktan sa ginawa ko? Tingin mo ba hindi rin ako napahiya? Mas napahiya ako putangina kasi sobrang petty nung ginawa ko pero pinansin ko ba? Mas inisip ko yung naramdaman mo kasi putangina alam kong mas nasaktan ka! Kaya nga nagiingat na ko ngayon eh. Tingin mo, bakit hindi ko pinapansin mga indirect tweets mo sakin? Yung mga “pangbabackstab” mo, bakit hindi kita kinocomfront? Kasi ayoko ng awayin ka. Natatakot ako, Justine, na baka mas masira pa lalo yung friendship natin. Putangina, hindi mo ba nakikita yun?!

Nasasaktan din ako. Lalo na sa mga pinagsasasabi mo. Sa mga pinagtitweet mo. Alam mo ba kung gano kasakit yung masabihan na toxic, na selfish, kasi nagpapakain ako sa depression ko ngayon? Ayoko hangga’t maari magpatulong kasi ayoko mahassle kayo. Kaya ko naman eh. Pabayaan niyo lang ako diyan, magmumukmok ako pero maya maya okay na rin ako. Sana pinabayaan niyo nalang ako. Sana pinabayaan mo nalang ako. Hindi yung tutulungan mo ko kasi concerned ka pero yun pala mas nangingibabaw yung pagtingin mo na toxic na ko na nakakasura na ko na napaka selfish ko dahil sa lintik na depression na to. Alam kong diagnosed ka rin pero gamay mo na to eh. Nangangapa pa lang ako, lintik na yan. Naiintindihan mo ko? Pero putangina BAKIT MO KO GINAGANITO?! BAKIT GANYAN YUNG MGA PINAGSASABI MO KUNG NAIINTINDIHAN MO KO KUNG ALAM MONG MATITRIGGER AKO SA MGA PINAGSASASABI MO?!!!

Iniintindi kita, kung alam mo lang. Ginagawa ko lahat, iniisip ko lahat, para intindihan ka saka yung mga pinagsasasabi mo. Puta, ang tanga tanga ko na raw nga oh. Pero bes, di ko na kaya. Sorry. Ayoko na magpanggap na okay lang, na di ako nasasaktan putangina. Selfish ba kamo? Sorry, pero gusto ko lang kasi muna tulungan sarili ko kasi wala namang ibang makakatulong talaga sakin kundi ako eh. Pero alam mo na pag okay ako, ginagawa ko yung best ko para tulungan ka.

Ewan ko, Justine. Pagod na ko. Ayoko na.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

I tried, I promise.

The semester’s about to end and I can already tell how many subjects I’ll be failing--half, if not all.

I started cutting classes late February and stopped passing my lab reports early March. I have no outputs in most of my subjects and less than 5 passing exams overall. Guessing my final grades, I think I’ll receive a grade of 5 for reasons of poor academic performance and excessive absences. And I know how disappointing it could be. But out of everyone including my parents, I’m the most disappointed in myself.

It’s my fault, I know that. I know my performances weren’t at all okay and stuff like dance or orgworks or depression are not an excuse. People who saw me throughout the semester would say I should’ve been more careful and helped myself the first time I experienced a knock down. People would’ve told me I should’ve accepted their help and that I should’ve balanced my time better between dancing and my academics. But people who really knew me would know I tried helping myself--though I doubt about their number considering how I learned about them hating me behind my back. 

I really tried, I promise. But it’s not that easy. I did my best to get up early to attend my classes; set an alarm, asked for my roommates to wake me up, even to the point that I tried not sleeping at all so as to not miss my early morning classes. But getting up early is not the problem here. It’s getting up itself. You see, I have lost hope and everything and dreaded getting up to greet life once more. I don’t know why. I just do. I’m awake. I just don’t wanna get up. Until I fall back to sleep and ended up missing my class.

I also tried passing my lab reports once more. Lab reports are really long and a pain in the ass and a major requirement for our chem class. However, I ended up not passing most of it not because I’m too lazy to do it, but because I was not in the mood; the type where I try to write and input information but then suddenly a thought, any random thought, would pop up into my mind until I overthink about life and starts getting sad until eventually I give up. Sometimes I overcome it. Most of the times, I don’t. And it frustrates me every time because when did I ever became the loser quitter that I am today?!

People extended their help after learning about my status. They gave me advises and motivational speeches and even offered to make my lab reports for me. When they learned I haven’t been eating properly, they told me to just approach them and such and I really appreciate them all. But not to be rude, I silently declined. I accepted their advises and motivations but I cannot accept their lab reports or money for food. I don’t know. It’s just not me. I mean, I ask for lab report guides but not to the point that they’ll be the ones making them. I don’t ask money for food but when they hand me food itself, I don’t decline. I don’t know but do you get me? I don’t wanna accept help as much as possible because I don’t wanna end up depending on them all the time. I don’t wanna hassle people because I know we all have our shits. It may be my pride but it’s also me considering other people’s lives.

Of course, dancing wouldn’t be excused. It’s true that I might’ve not balanced dancing, Wyre in particular, with my academics. But what people do not know is that I am also losing my passion to dance. I mean, I still like to dance, I still feel happy whenever I dance. But it’s not like before, you know. Like, the once blazing fire of dance inside my body is now nothing but a mere...flame from a matchstick. And it saddens me, really. If I can lose the will to do something I really like, what more other stuff? :(

So yeah. I’m writing everything now because I’m too tired explaining things to people over and over again. And I’m feeling really really emotional today. I don’t know why but I wish I could just disappear. I feel bad for the people trying to help me and the people who have high expectations of me. I failed each and everyone of you. I failed myself.

I’ll be gone for a while, fix myself or something, I don’t know. But I promise you this; when I’m back, I’ll do better. The semester’s been tough but I’ll get through it. I’ll get through each challenge because I wouldn’t be experiencing them if I can’t handle them in the first place, right?

I’m saying sorry to each and everyone, most especially to my family whom I forgotten and all. I’ll make it up to you guys. Let me fix myself first, okay? I’ll come back to you the way I was before. I’ll work hard and make you proud once more. I’m sorry for showing you this disastrous phase of my life. Iloveyou. I’m sorry.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Kasalanan ko lahat

Kasalanan ko kung bakit ako may sakit; kung bakit ako ganto.

Kasalanan ko kung bakit may mga sugat sa palad ko. Kasalanan ko kung bakit yung mga mata ko namumugto;

Hindi ko naman sinasadya eh, nadala ng emosyon. Kaya ayan, naglaslas; wag mag-alala mababaw lang naman.

Kasalanan ko kung bakit mag-isa ako ngayon. Kasalanan ko kung bakit nagbabago pakikitungo niyo. Pasensiya na at hindi ko napapansin mga dinaramdam niyo. Gusto ko lang naman kasi muna tulungan sarili ko. Kasalanan ko yung nangyare kahapon; saka nung isang araw saka nung isa pa. Pati yung mga mangyayare bukas, sige inaako ko na. Kasalanan ko kung bakit may pinoproblema kayo ngayon. Kasalanan ko rin kung bakit bumabagsak ako ngayon. Kasalanan ko na din kung bakit wasak ka ngayon. Kasalanan ko na lahat; Ako na magpapakumbaba; Aakuin ko na lahat; Kasalanan ko lahat. Pagod na ko sa totoo lang. Ayoko na makipagtalo, kaya aakuin ko na lahat. Ano ba naman kasing panalo ko? Kahit may point ako, dala-dala ka ng ego mo. So ano ng mangyayare ngayon, ngayo’t inamin ko na lahat ng kasalanan ko? Anong mangyayare, masosolusyonan ba lahat? Hayaan mo, susubukan kong di magkasala ulit.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Sorry.

Gusto ko magsorry sayo kasi alam ko yung pinanghuhugutan mo. Alam ko yung nararamdaman mo. Alam ko yung dinadala mo.

Gusto ko magsorry kasi ganto ako ngayon. Gusto ko magsorry kasi lahat naaapektuhan sa kondisyon ko ngayon.

Sorry kung nasasaktan ko kayo. Sorry kung paulit ulit lang ako. Sorry kung natutulak ko kayo palayo. Pero hindi nun ibig sabihin na hindi ko kayo naaappreciate.

Sobrang lost ako ngayon. Kahit ilang buwan na kong ganto, bago pa rin to sakin, tong depression na to. Yun siguro yung pinagkaiba natin; alam mo na kung pano ihandle to. Ako hindi.

You’re a strong woman. And I know na you still struggle. And I’m sorry for the times na di kita matulungan kasi I’m busy minding my own. Mali ba yun?

Mali bang maging selfish ako for a while? Kasi bes alam mo na pag okay ako, isang tawag mo lang, pupuntahan kita. Alam mo kung anong klase akong kaibigan. Kahit busy ako, basta okay ako, to the rescue ako. Bes gano kasama ba isipin ko sarili for awhile? Kasi all my life I’ve been selfless. Hindi ba pwedeng isipin ko naman sarili ko?

And I’ll admit, dahil ngayon lang ako nagpapakaselfish ng ganto, na toxic na rin tingin ko sa sarili ko. Kaya nga gusto ko nalang lumayo..? Kasi ayoko ng mahawa kayo or maapektuhan or something. Ano pa bang reason kaya gusto ko mapagisa? Kaya gusto ko mawala? Kaya gusto ko mamatay? Kasi gusto ko kayo ilayo sa isang toxic na tulad ko.

That time na pinahiya kita, I said I’m sorry. And I’m doing my best to show you how wrong I was. Inamin ko mali ko, lahat lahat. And I thought okay na tayo. Pero bringing it up does not mean it’s okay. Kasi I see forgiven things as something from the past na hindi na dapat inuungkat. Pero kung gusto mo, I’ll say I’m sorry again and again and again. I know in a way naging walking warning sign or something na ko sayo and I totally understand you. Hindi ko pinipilit sarili ko sayo pero thankyou pa rin kasi you’re trying your best to be a good friend kahit na napakawalang kwenta ko na.

Itong depression ko, nakakaurat na, I know. And gusto ko magsorry. I’m sorry for not being the person you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry for not looking back when you slowed down. Kahit na ginawa mo yun sakin noon, I have no intention on doing the same thing pero ayun nga, I have to think about my own shits every once in a while. Sorry.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Mianhae

I hold on to people who will someday leave.

It pains me to see them distance themselves and slowly forget how they knew about me. It pains me to see them carry my secrets and pretend like they never knew me at all. Like, what the fuck? If I knew you’d be a jerk like this, I wouldn’t have let you pass the wall I secretly built. If I knew you’d somewhat be the jerk I once feared, I wouldn’t have introduced you to the real me.

The worst things in life is holding on to something that’ll eventually let you go. Mianhae, Martin, for holding on to you so much. Mianhae, Lem, for clinging on to you and making you think you’re than a brother to me. Mianhae, Reign, for pretending I could be the strong one between us. Mianhae, Wyre, for pretending to be okay when I’m not. Mianhae, Bana, for not showing you how I’m dying inside. Mianhae, eomma, for acting strong when I’m not. Mianhae, appa, for telling you I can when I really cannot. Mianhae to all the people who believed in me and told me to just hold on. I no longer think I can. I no longer think I can go back to how was before.

Mianhae to myself, because out of everyone, I failed you the most. You were strong once, but what has become of you? You became the pathetic shit that you are today...and I hate you for that.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Photos

I look at old photos and saw a face that somewhat seems familiar yet I’m not really sure if I knew.

I stared at the familiar smile, the shallow dimples on her cheeks and the comforting light in her eyes. For some reason, I envy her. She seemed to be enjoying life despite her struggles. I wish I could be the same.

I scrolled for more pictures and saw tons of it. I saw her bearing the same genuine smile in all photos. I felt her positive energy, despite only looking at her photos.

I turned around and stared at the mirror. I tried to imitate her smile but failed to do so. It wasn’t genuine enough. I wasn’t enjoying life anymore. 

I stared at her photo and stared back at the mirror. How could one person change so much after a short period of time? Where did that smile go? Where did the light in her eyes go? Did she no longer wanted to live? Am I really giving up on life?

I stared one last time at my past photos before shutting the computer down. I gave myself one last smile on the mirror. It was a genuine smile; genuinely sad. I grabbed the blade beside me and stared at my wrist. 

Maybe one deep cut won’t hurt.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Reflecting after cutting

A few nights ago, I did the most stupid thing a person would do.

To be honest, I didn’t do it to kill myself. I did it for the pain--the physical pain. I did it for the blood. I did it just to show myself something could be worse than my emotional struggles.

Suicide was never in my dictionary. Of course there came a time when I wanted to die but my methods of dying involved other people or situations or health issues killing me. I never wanted to die in my own hands. I was never brave to harm myself.

Until four nights ago.

Learning people wanted to leave me triggered the hell out of me. I was told “you’re clingy to the point that you’re creepy and makes us want to distance ourselves from you”. On a normal basis, I’d joke about it but lately I’ve been struggling with mild (or maybe serious) depression and his words just came echoing inside my head that I broke down and lost my sanity for a moment.

Someone I consider my brother distanced himself from me for a reason unknown. Some say he knew I liked him...waaay before I knew about how I felt (I mean, come on. We were close and I became comfortable around him to the point that I considered him my brother. I don’t even know if I really do like him or is it just because I was influenced of what others think I feel about him). Some say I was too clingy (Duh, I’m clingy towards people I’m comfortable with) while some say he’s just like that (He wasn’t like that to me before though).

Whatever the reason is, it hurts and if you really know me as a person, you’d know how traumatized I was about people leaving me behind (for reasons unknown!).

So yeah. Tonight I’m writing about the night I cut myself. It wasn’t meant to kill me, I made sure of that. It was to relieve myself a little bit from the emotional pain--make me feel physical pain for a change, to know I’m still alive even though I’m struggling, to leave scars that’ll remind me how I defeated depression at some point in my life, and to face my ever lasting fear of blood.

It helped me at some point, cutting myself that is. Today I’m feeling a little better, knowing I have people beside me willing to help me along the way. To those who left, I’ll try not to hurt because of you. To those who stayed and will remain with me to fight, I appreciate you so much and I’m sorry I didn’t thought of you beforehand.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Empty

I feel so empty. I feel like an empty shell walking around, pretending everything’s okay. My friends know me as the jolliest girl in the world, smiling despite every problem thrown at her by the world. The truth is, I think I’m collapsing.

It never crossed my mind. Depression, I mean. I never considered being depressed since I know it’s normal to feel sad at times. However, is it still normal to feel sad and overthink even though nothing is actually wrong?

I tend to always get lost in space. I walk at a really slow pace because that’s how I sort out my thoughts but by the end of my walk, I’ve sorted out nothing. Everything just seems so random and difficult.

I always knew I have a reason for living. Not once did I thought I was worthless. Why now, though, am I having thoughts as if I’m not important in this world? Like I have no mission to fulfill.

What the hell is wrong with me? How the fuck am I gonna know if I’m experiencing some serious mental illness and not just a typical mood swing? I so wanna talk to someone, anyone, who could listen but not judge. 

I need help.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Today, I lost a friend.

Today, I stood up for myself and told a friend I’ve had enough. I’m not taking favors from her anymore and let myself get crushed by her pride and ego and boastful self. I’m not gonna be the sixteen year-old me who lets people use me to their advantage and pretend like it’s alright when  in fact it’s not. I don’t even see it if I was her friend or slave...I’m just tired from worrying about her and myself. Can’t she just make an effort and try to put our friendship in an equilibrium?

Today, I told her everything. I told her how tired I was and how I’ve been building up everything that’s wrong with us since the day I realized she’s toxic. I told her how insensitive she was, how egocentric she was, how she was stepping on me little by little and how I never got to feel her appreciation towards my efforts and hard works. And today, I saw her cry; not because of what I’ve said, but because she thought wrong about me from the beginning.

She believed I was one of her friends whom she can always rely on. She thought I was doing things from the heart. I tried telling her everything I did was sincere and genuine but her words caught me on the throat.

“I appreciate you so much, people around us could attest to that. I’m just not the type of person to be showy about it.”

Today, I became a jerk. I turned a blind eye on a good friend’s works; to busy recording mine when in fact I might not have made where I am today if it weren’t for her. Through my stupid jokes, I let all the memories: those late night conversations, random dance sessions and battles, food trips to different food stalls--I’ve wasted everything through simple words “I don’t know if I should believe you.”

Actually, it was entirely my fault I’ve lost a good friend. I let petty things get in our way and ruined a friendship that might have lasted a lifetime. I was stupid for trying to speak up what was wrong with us in the first place. And with that, I wanted to say I’m sorry for failing you as your friend. I have no excuses and I’m not defending myself. You’re right, you deserve a better friend. And I deserve every shitty friendships I have because I wasted our perfectly good one.

Justine, you weren’t just my friend. You were my sister. I’m not going to pressure you to forgive me because I am soooo at fault. Just please know I’ll never stop being your friend even if you stopped being mine. I’m always here for you. I know we’re never going to bring back what once was a great friendship, but I’m willing to try to heal the wounds I’ve given you.

Once again, I’m sorry.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Bye..?

He came to me during my darkest times. He made me smile whenever I cried and made me remember why a guy like my ex wasn’t worth crying for. He stayed with me until I was all healed and happy; but now he’ll be leaving and I’ll be left with no one.

Maybe us being together really was a mistake. Maybe it was better if you hadn’t told me you loved me. Maybe nothing would’ve changed if we just remained friends.

Now, after everything, it’s time for you to leave. Every memory we’ve made felt a little more painful than joyful. You shouldn’t have stayed by my side if you’re gonna leave like everyone else.

Thanks for everything. I’ve learned my lesson. Thanks for coming by my life.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Flipped

Every night before going to sleep, I pick up my phone and check your social media accounts. I keep hoping to see some posts where you’ll give hints about missing someone and wanting to see them again. Most of the time you don’t disappoint and post stuffs like love quotes and stuff. It was as if you were really missing someone...and I allowed myself to assume that that someone was me.

But that was a mistake, right? I mean, why would you miss someone who’s been gone from your life 3 years ago. I’m just getting my hopes up; refusing to believe you’ve already moved on. I was the one who told you to let me go, but right now it looks like I’m the one who’s unable to let go.

I keep wishing you’d come back but I really mean it when I said I’m happy you’ve found someone better. You don’t deserve a jerk like me, treating you like shit and all that. Don’t worry, I’ll move on. I’m just having a hard time ‘cause I’ve grown accustomed with you by my side.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

I wanted to get drunk with you

I wanted to get drunk with you so I could tell you everything I’ve been meaning to tell you since the day you finally left.

I’ll admit, I was the  jerk in our relationship. I took you for granted and cashed you out and became a spoiled little brat who believed you’ll never ever leave me...until one day you did. I’ll admit between the two of us, you loved me more and I hurt you more. So when you finally left, I felt like getting slapped and regretted every single time I told you “I don’t love you anymore”.

I wanted to get drunk with you and tell you how I never slept at night without thinking about how we could’ve been. If only I loved you better. If only I treated you better. I wanted to tell you how much I’m dying to be in your arms once more but believing that’s no longer possible, considering you already have someone in your heart. You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you I miss you and I still love and that every day and every night of every month since the day you gave up on me, I wanted to embrace you one last time in a hug and tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart and destroying you.

I wanted to get drunk with you and tell you one last time “you’re too precious to get hurt” but instead, two nights ago after we got drunk, I only told you how happy I am you’re with someone who finally loves you the way I should’ve.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Yeah

I faint at the sight of blood.

...just like Stiles at times.

[maytheeighteenth-blog]

Pain

I’m well aware of every person’s personal pain. I’m well aware we’re all hurting. I’m well aware how each one’s trying their best to look strong and okay despite the killing sensation of each memory, each story, each song.

I, myself, am hurting from a past I cannot seem to let go. Despite each painful memory that keeps me awake and crying at night, I just wanna let you guys know that I’m quite thankful for the pain. Because without it, I wouldn’t have known how much I’ve loved someone before and how much real it was until it all became a dream.

Pain is what makes us the person we are today. Someday soon, we’ll heal and be better, stronger. It doesn’t matter if you’re crying your heart out now or bleeding from every wound on your body. What matters most is you knowing you’re human, and you learning from experience. Everything happens for a reason. It’s just up to us whether to see the pain as a lesson or a downfall.