methyphilia

[methyphilia]

&if you ever have the urge to cut yourself, tell me; we’ll gather scrap paper, markers, and scissors, and we’ll draw lines on the paper and cut it up, making arts and crafts instead—we can even break old dishes until all that you’re feeling inside is finally released out; because you don’t have to break open your numb skin to feel again—because my dear, even when it doesn’t seem to be so, please know this—there’s always a better alternative.

Lessons I’m learning in this crazy thing called “life.”//things I’ll tell my kids one day. (via faith-is-a-must-have)

[methyphilia]

-A Bullet List of Things to Keep in Mind When Talking to Me Please, stop telling me to ‘get over it’ Please, don’t tell me I did it for attention – When I slit my wrists, I wasn’t supposed to wake up Please, don’t tell me that suicide is the cowards way out Please do not tell me that it was easy, that you know what I’m talking about simply because you thought about it – Remember – Thought and action and you and I are two very different things Understand that when other people are planning out the body of their essays, I am planning out the bones to wrap my note around When I say, “I want to kill myself,” please, keep in mind that I am not kidding When I say, “I am tired,” know that I mean I am too tired to breathe, that this feeling is a cage that wraps itself around me, something like barbed wire. Please, know that I do not mean sleepy, I mean that I had a panic attack and carved words like pathetic into my thigh last night, know that I went to bed praying that I wouldn’t wake up, and I woke up dreaming for death Please, I am not trying to ‘romanticize’ this. Please, understand that I do not know how else to ask for help, that in the past year I’ve attempted more then once, know that every time I open my eyes, I see the life drain out of me, that I wake up tired, that every time I close my eyes, I feel as if there is nothing left in me, that I am empty Sometimes my wrists hurt, for reasons I’m still not sure about. Know that there are days I consider razors and sleep my best friends, that food becomes my greatest fear, that I feel isolated, that there is no hotline for those who’s screams aren’t loud enough Please, don’t tell me that happy is picked, as if it’s a coat one can wear as they feel Know that I have tried looking through the racks, that I’ve found them in sizes too small or too big, but never right size, I could never find one that fit me quite right and yes, I’ve found copies, things I can wrap around me for a while, but they’re weak, they don’t work quite right, don’t really keep the cold from sinking into my bones and settling into my stomach Please, do not look at me with pity – It’s too close to disgust. Understand that I am familiar with this emotion; understand that sometimes the looks you give me make it hard for my heart to continue to beat When I turn up with my work not finished, please don’t look at me like I’m stupid. Know that I spent more time thinking of ways to kill myself painlessly then thinking of ways to solve my chemistry homework Please, do not point out my scars, do not make it so obvious – They are my own personal shame. Please, if you want to help, learn to tell the difference when I say I am okay. Figure out which okay really is okay, and which okay is, “I am spilling over the edges and I cannot catch all the pieces of me,” know that I sometimes mean, “I am so close to shattering and I do not know what to do.” I understand that you want to help, but please, understand that not everyone follows the textbook. Not every set of parents know how to react to this news, not every child out there trusts the adults around them, that they’ve been asking, begging for help Know that I have been asking you for help, that I have been screaming and crying, begging, please, hear me You tell me that you want to help but you never hear me And I - I am so tired So please Help me

SH (via theshhtiger)

[methyphilia]

I hadn’t touched that blade in weeks. But you came in yelling at me, And left yelling at me. And now I’m reaching for it, And I’m already seeing red.

I Blame You by imtransgetoverit (via imtransgetoverit)

[methyphilia]

[methyphilia]

Confession: sometimes when I’m hurting I still look down at my wrists and I want to see marks there. I feel all this self-hate and apathy and emptyness inside of me and I just want a way to take it out on myself. But I don’t want that to be my solution anymore. There are other ways, I’m learning, and one day I won’t look down at my wrists at all.

Confession (26/01/15, 19:30)

[methyphilia]

I’ve always liked glass that is a little broken but not all the way shattered. It reminds me of how I used to be. I wanted to be like the glass, so I made my own broken lines on the edges of my skin. I’ve always had a fascination with shattering things. Maybe because it reminds me of how he took my innocence and dropped it on the floor. Sometimes I couldn’t grasp the fact that my sanity was scattered across the ground. I couldn’t help stepping all over it, feeling pain in stages or sometimes not at all. I had blood-covered knees and shaking hands. I finally had the courage to make my own string and put my sanity back together again. I took my cold, pain-stricken broken body and made it whole. I’ve always liked glass that is a little broken but not all the way shattered. It reminds me of how I finally had the courage to take a piece of my broken sanity from off the floor and stick it into your fucking heart. I finally killed the darkness you filled in my mind. I can’t always understand my obsession with shattering things. I turned that broken glass into heavy words and flower petals. Now you are just a thorn-covered memory in the back of my head. Maybe one day I will understand my interest with shattering things but for now, I will take the broken pieces and sharpen them for anyone else that decides to traumatize and crack the sanities of anyone else. Maybe that is the reason for my fascination with glass that is a little broken but not all the way shattered.

(8/19/14, 5:17 am)

[methyphilia]

Either God doesn’t exist or he is unimaginably cruel

House (via suicidalghosts)

[methyphilia]

Absolutely love these! Art by Carol Rossetti

[methyphilia]

[methyphilia]

1) My mother told me that a real man is a man who is not afraid to get dirty and when I saw the dirt under your fingernails I would have never of guessed it was from the late nights scraping at your own wrists in hope to feel something more than emptiness. 2) My mother told me that a man who treated a girl right is a man with a beautiful soul but there was nothing beautiful about the late night drives to your house to make sure you’re alright when your head got loud. 3) My mother told me a man who cried is no longer a man but she has not held you to her chest as you soaked her shirt after the long shifts at work and she has not felt the pain you have endured. 4) My mother told me you are not a man but she has only seen you for what you have and not for who you are. 5) My mother told me she was right, but I know she was wrong.

My mother told me: but I’ll remind her the cold nights and loud cries does not define who you are but what you suffer from. [you ≠  your mental illness] (via triplevodka)

[methyphilia]

my therapist - if you had cancer, would you yell at yourself for having cancer?

me - no

my therapist - then why are you yelling at yourself for being depressed. be gentle with yourself

[methyphilia]

[methyphilia]

[methyphilia]

What the Aquarius in love thinks: You are so amazing. I love you so much. When I look into your eyes I see everything that is good and sweet and kind and honest and gentle and happy and pure in this world reflected back at me, and when you smile at me I'm suddenly aware of my heartbeat and suddenly unaware of the ground beneath me. I would do anything to keep you safe, I wish I could hold you in my arms forever.

What comes out of the Aquarius in love's mouth: Awwww you're like a little woodland chipmunk.... or a small, flightless bird :3 .........What? Don't look at me like that, it's sweet!

[methyphilia]

When Aquarius has officially decided that it wants to start fostering a genuine friendship with you, then you will find Aquarius making efforts to spend a lot of time around you, and it will start trying to unravel your mind and figure out your thought process. In a budding friendship, Aquarius...

[methyphilia]

I try to stop my body from responding to emotions all the time. I spend a lot of time with what I assume to be a blank stare on my face because I’m focusing on not letting people see that I have as many emotions as I do. For some reason I’m embarrassed of them, and not just the negative ones. In...

[methyphilia]

Aquarius:

Contrary to popular belief, our hearts are entirely too large, and our exteriors are entirely too thin when it comes to the right people.