michellefrye

[michellefrye]

Its almost my brothers birthday

another year of wishing we were closer than we actually are

I really do love him and we have so much in common not just interest wise but in our personality and mannerisms and its just

God why can't we just communicate like normal human beings (its because our parents were terrible communicators too. They never even fought they just never talked)

[michellefrye]

The thing i probably talk about the most on any platform (when I do talk) is how im feeling or my mental state and this has always been to not only break the stigma around vocalizing your mental health but to let my friends know how im feeling in general since im so bad at reaching out to someone 1 on 1

The fact that so many people take that to mean im looking for validation or flexing somehow and feel the need to share it with others is just so vapid and annoying

Being misunderstood is frustrating enough but for people to assume they know everything about me based off snippets of my life??? Go to therapy man

[michellefrye]

I've been single for almost 4 years and it's been so vital to my healing journey. Living with bpd and autism makes feeling understood and properly loved such an impossible thing to accomplish lmao

I no longer seek validation from people because I know how draining it can be to have to deal with that. I still wish Constantly that I could have words of affirmation because its my love language of choice but it is no longer something I ask for.

It took a very long time to internalize this lesson but I also stopped hooking up with people just to have a quick fix in feeling confident and wanted. Just because I personally don't view sex as an intimate act (kissing and hand holding are harder for me to consent to than sex is 😅) doesn't mean that everyone else looks at it the same way and someone might feel used by my actions or hurt by the lack of substance in our relationship regardless of how clear or straight up I am about my intentions

I've hurt far too many people in the past without thinking just because I felt weak or insecure and needed to feel loved and sex is the easiest way to obtain that.

I've been exclusive with the same guy despite not even dating for almost a year now and it's really been helping me with being patient with myself. I'll split on him constantly and think I'm wasting my time and that my loyalty is misplaced and he doesn't deserve it because he refuses to commit but at the end of the day I know its just trust issues because he's been hurt before too and the whole reason I'm still here is because he's worth it. Oh God is he worth it. And I've never felt this way about anyone before.

I ended it with my ex fiance the moment I realized I didn't feel that way about him 4 years ago too. I loved him and still love him but it will never be the same amount or in the same way that he loves me and I hate that I can't return that for him.

Love is a dangerous thing and I am fully conceptualizing this as I near my 30s. I refuse to give any part of myself to someone I'm not fully committed to. Simply because I refuse to hurt anyone else with flippant acts of love.

[michellefrye]

Minwage is higher here too why would I spend all this money and risk stressing my cat out just to feel claustrophobic again

#theres too many people i cant stand down there too lol

[michellefrye]

🏠🌳

There are actually quite a few reasons I haven't moved back to Delaware yet. The most important one being that there isn't anything to come back to. It will always be home to me and every time I visit im so happy but living there would do nothing to benefit my life. A few of my friends still live there but upheaving my entire life just to be 20 minutes from someone I grew up with (instead of a manageable 2 hours) sounds kind of dumb. My mom hasn't lived anywhere near me in 6 years and im pretty much disconnected from my entire family. At this point I know more people in New Jersey than I do back home lol

[michellefrye]

Some shots of silver lake when I visited Ryan a few years ago.

[michellefrye]

I thought about Linda all day.

Its been 12 years.

Its hard only wanting the best for someone who isn't even here. It feels like a disservice to imagine whether or not she'd be happy if she stuck around. But it keeps popping up in my head anyway.

I think about her so much.

[michellefrye]

I am a simple man. I come home from my graveyard shift and rip my bong only to then overprocess my traumas and regrets for 3 hours until I knock out.

[michellefrye]

I wish my old supervisor would just move on and stop making ai art in my likeness we literally only interacted for a collective 24 hours after I got fired

Its super monkey bonkerballs that I ghosted him around my birthday last April (maybe 10 days after we hung out) and he proceeded to message me everyday until July. It crosses into terrifying territory when he contacts my friends and family (some of which I didnt even have the numbers of myself. You shouldn't be able to access voter info so easily lmao) and telling them that im a terrible person who raped him just because I refused to contact him???

The audacity of a man to bring his own thc pen to my house, barely hit it, and then hook up with me twice in one night and the next day And Then try to tell me I coerced him under the influence???? AND THEN CONTINUE PROFESSING HIS LOVE TO ME FOR MONTHS AFTER THAT?????

I am never making direct contact with you again please know that for an absolute Fact.

[michellefrye]

I just think its some really funny reach around jerk off logic that everyone assumes I'm always begging for attention when I post things online. You came here looking???

There just isn't anywhere I've ever truly felt comfortable being myself online so I'm just scattered across every platform in fragments and side accounts for no reason. Its honestly pretty reflective of my mental state most of the time.

My intentions here are that people that feel the need to check on me and somehow stumble upon this little corner of the internet find some sort of closure or just a fun little ride into my psyche since Ive probably never really talked about how im actually feeling to them.

#insert everything everywhere all at once joke here #i have yesman and avoidance tendencies so im sure im just a giant enigma to some people #genuinely sorry to people ive hurt in this regard

[michellefrye]

I guess the worst things you could say about me lately are that im just a burnout stoner who doesn't apply myself lmfao

And I guess the best is that im finally fully independent and don't rely on anyone (except my mom for car insurance but literally nothing else) and that im incredibly intelligent emotionally and a lot better at honing in on my feelings when im upset and not relying on the comfort of others.

It used to be hard to even list 10 things I liked about myself. It was always my least favourite part about therapy. Now I probably couldn't shut up about how proud I am of myself for a lot of things. Given how little guidance I've actually had in life shit could've turned out a lot worse lmao

[michellefrye]

I wish there was a way for me to contact sior. He was a really dear friend to me but we drifted apart because I was too depressed to give him the attention he needed whenever he sent me life updates on snapchat. I truly loved reading everything he told me even if I kept forgetting to reply...

#yes i think your heritage is interesting please always tell me more #i wonder how violets doing

[michellefrye]

There's a guy I've known since middle school that I dated when I was 18-19 but he broke up with me for his coworker (he technically cheated on me by making out with her in their work parking lot an indiscriminate amount of time before dumping me) and then lied about breaking up with her so he could hook up with me and use me as a side piece. When I found out about it it made me have a breakdown and thats why there's a scar on my neck.

I still talked to this guy for several years off and on up until a few years ago. I think we both finally gave up on even being civil with each other lol.

If this guys reading this: while I don't hate you, there are so many things you did that I can never forgive you for and its probably for the best that we never interact again (even if you have good taste in music and got me into thrifting in the first place. But fuck you for collecting women's nudes without their consent and for breaking my marina cd. Among a whole list of things I won't be sharing lmao)

[michellefrye]

There's a girl I've vaguely known my whole life but we can never pinpoint the exact moment that we met. When I saw her for the first Real time we were the only two guests for another friends birthday slumber party. The first time I realized I was in love with her was at a different friends birthday party one summer later. She's always been in love with someone else though. And she's always been just out of reach socially so we never really got to connect until I was literally in the worst mental state of my life in the worst relationship ill ever be in. I'll never really forgive myself for how I acted when we were at our closest but it was all such a blur and being near her was making me so manic I just wasn't ready to be in her life lmao

Shes always felt like a literal fairy to me; In another world from mine and completely unreachable.

But she also has her own shortcomings and challenges in life to conquer. We're probably never going to get the closure that I want but she doesn't owe me anything. She deserves to be happy and if that means not contacting me then I wish her nothing but the best. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully process this relationship but there's always That One I guess lol

[michellefrye]

There's someone I used to date that moved to the Midwest for the military. We rekindled our friendship temporarily right when I was getting out of my most abusive relationship and I remember her telling me how worried she always was that I would make a callout post about her behavior. That surprised me because I've never thought about doing that to anyone (even people that definitely deserve it. Idk I believe in public shaming but I also believe in growth and just moving on from who you used to be)

I always hope she's doing well and the last I heard she hates me because I vented to her next serious ex about what it was like dating them (just the genuine truth. Wasn't even shit talking) but it never detracted from the fact I still considered them a friend and someone I care about

She even cheated on me and I wasn't aware of it until years later but it still barely affected my opinion of them. I just think life has nuance and I had already moved past it at this point so I didn't feel to need to mourn a relationship id long since given up on. (I think if I found out while it was occurring though I would've put myself in the hospital lol)

Idk I was abused emotionally and mentally by my brother for over a decade and I still talk to him so I feel like my threshold for forgiving people is Abnormally high but

Young people do stupid things

Every stupid thing I've ever done that resulted in hurting someone comes across my mind at least once a week. I know its not realistic but I figure everyone else feels the same way about their mistakes so im not gonna sit here and write a list of every shitty thing you've ever done

We dated at some point. That means something. It means I loved and cared about you and that doesn't end because you hate me or make bad choices. If it were up to me we'd still be talking because I think you're a lovely conversationalist and incredibly intelligent and quick-witted. There were and are things about you worth loving.

This is basically how I feel about everyone in my life (besides two people and they Know I can't stand them. It's on sight really)

If you wanted to be nosy or know what my thoughts are: im a tired and sad person trying to figure out what it means to be happy. Every person I've ever interacted with on a deep level lives in my head rent free. You're all meshed together in my heart like puzzle pieces. You formed some of my opinions and sense of humor. All I have are the ghosts of your personalities and I cling to them because nothing else in life comes close to the small glimpses you'd let me catch of your souls.

Im definitely zooted but im fresh off an 8 hour shift and no ones awake and I have a lot of feelings and no where to put them

[michellefrye]

Apparently everyone that I no longer speak to still checks up on me

Truly wonder what they're waiting for or expecting to hear

If its out of hate, curiosity, or genuine concern

Im honestly pretty boring and I keep to myself and I've never really been the actual revenge type

I'll dish it back sure but im never out here starting shit lmao

If you still have hang ups im always here to listen. It confuses me so greatly when people aren't just direct about their feelings. But we can both feel like this for the rest of our lives too I guess.