mish-mash-wish
THERAPY ARC LETS GOOOOOOOOO
(This is a vent blog- there probably won’t be much positivity here :/)
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Sometimes I sit here
And I never feel more alone
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Literally this close to spinning a wheel and seeing where my fate lands
Maybe I’ll get lucky and
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Maybe the answer to joy is in every breath we breath
It's the spark in your dog's eyes as you walk to the door, as you watch her run past you into the yard and roll on the grass
Its in the way the wind tustles your hair, flips the pages in your well loved book until you finally put it down to see what it's trying to show you
Maybe peace is the feeling of the sun, warm on the concrete under your feet, warm as an arm lovely draped about your shoulders
It's in the way life moves and grows around you, with you, through you, and past you
I find myself thinking, I'm so glad the world will not end with me. That I am nothing
Thank god I am an individual. Lovely and unique and inconsequential
Like the cattipiller that climes up a tree and eats its leaves and grows and changes and Flys and it kisses the sky before it dies
And no one will bat an eye but by God it lived
And so do i
Thank god I am alive
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Look who's inside again went out to look for a reason to hide again
I'm listening to all eyes on me again
Sitting in the lobby of an er waiting room
My mom was sobbing on my shoulder
Dad standing helplessly behind
I had to be strong
I held her as she fell apart
I felt her sob against my neck
I feel tremors
I feel pain
I feel *his* hands on me
My body flinched in a fear I wish I never knew
As they wheeled her off I wondered
Will my last memory be of her?
Of being unable to help her
Of being helpless
Always FUCKUNG HELPLESS
I can only break when I'm alone
I can't cry here
I won't cry here
I won't die here
But I want to
God I want to
One day I'll die and be free
But I can't today
Because she'll be ok
She has to be
I can't live without my mom
Not yet
Not now
God. Not now.
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God help moms going to the er again and I need help god please no help her
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Please please please ban my mom from talking about SA at least around me. Hell. Fuck. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
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I hit my elbow today and mom didn’t notic, i cryied out adn she didn’t notice, just kept talking on the phone, i know I get hurt a lot i knoe she’s sick rn and probably just didn’t hear me but what if she did and just didn’t think I was important, think I’m little rn and really upset about it. Don’t know how to make it feel better on my own, need a hug and a ice pack and attention why does my heart hurt I’m 2e i should be bigger im so tired
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I’m losing all the good memories of you. All I can remember is the pain you left me with. This isn’t fair. I want to remember your laugh.
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If I have to hear about how ducked up the world is ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna
LEAVE IT!!!
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My heaven will break the hearts of those I love. Because I will no longer know them. I will be 5 again and watching cartoons as the sun passes noon. I can hear the cicadas, I know I can go outside and play on the trampoline if I want to, maybe tomorrow I’ll go hiking, or swimming, or to the park. Maybe tomorrow I will do the same as I’ve done today, Im looking forward to a bath and a bedtime story. Everything is new and bright. That is my heaven when they find me they will find the inner me, my core who is still that smiling child, she misses the world, I cannot show her what is it now. I cannot let her look through my eyes. But she will be me again when all this is over. And I will smile freely once more. And I will not know why these people cry. I will not know that they miss me.
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What the heck is wrong with me my partner is not glues to their phone they don't have to answer all thr time I almost never reply immediately why do I expect them to? They don't have to!! They have their own life!!! Their world dose not revolve around me!!!! I'm spiraling. I know I am. I'm assuming their pulling away, they don't love me, the realized I suck, I have too much internalized homophobia. I'm too broken. I'm clingy and distant and live bomb and I'm every toxic trait I've ever read bout because I'm a liar and a manipulator and I know it but no one else sees it. I'm too good at it. Good people don't go numb when their hurting. I must be faking it. I must be faking it I must be faking my love and hate and fear and pain and God I'm hurting so bad over literally nothing they will respond eventually and I'll pretend I didn't have a breakdown in the 2 minutes it's been since I asked if they wanted to call. I'm fine. I'll be ok. Because there is nothing wrong and I'm spiraling
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