missartus

[missartus]

Is this Grief?

These days, I often find myself suddenly reminiscing about my pre-pandemic life. (Still feels weird saying that)

I mean, sure. Looking back made me appreciate the kind of life that I am blessed with, it made me grateful to have had those experiences, but when I bring myself back to the reality of the present time, I couldn't help but feel this certain grief as I know that the chances of getting back to that kind of life dim a little bit more each day of this pandemic.

What's even worse is when I proceed to think about my life moving forward. I've always been unsure about my future, but the pandemic has contributed a huge huge huge chunk to this uncertainty. I realized that no matter how much you plan about your future, you can never be so sure.

#rantsandjoys

[missartus]

A random but usual existential crisis in quarantine

I feel like even if there isn't a pandemic, I'd still have these random bouts of existential crisis and waves of frustration. It's just that I think the pandemic and this seemingly never-ending lockdown has (unfortunately) gotten me to points where I don't think I can ever be satisfied with my current status in life, and that my goals and the things that I want to accomplish in the future remain to be out of reach. Sometimes, even, I don't think I'll ever get there at all.

But what do I even want, in the first place? Honestly, I think it's just very simple. I want a stable income, good enough for me to afford the life that I want for myself. I want to be able to travel, and even have the opportunity to live someplace else. I want that life so bad that I don't even want to be too idealistic with it. I know that it'll have its repercussions. I know that it won't be easy. I know that it'll have its downs. And even so, I still want it.

Throughout this whole quarantine, I've had countless days of meltdowns, confusion, and downright depression. My metaphorical vision just seems to get more and more blurry, and I get so anxious about the possibility of being stuck in this misery. I know that I'm not the only one who'll say that this pandemic has really got us all messed up. And the uncertainty. The uncertainty that it brought has caused me a different type of anxiety that I've never dealt with in the past.

I feel stuck. Literally and figuratively. I feel stuck and helpless because I realize that this is not entirely up to me. I'm faced with the fact that my life is uncertain and that's not entirely because of my own doing, my future is uncertain because the world is uncertain. My environment is uncertain. My country's situation is uncertain. Global health is uncertain. The economy is uncertain. And as little as this may seem, my life and the future that I want depends on all of those things.

But even so, I still have faith. I still have so little faith that most times it annoys me so much. If I want to drown myself in depression then I might as well do it all the way. But I still have faith! This mustard seed sized faith is what's keeping me sane and alive and hopeful. This miniscule faith wipes away the fog in my eyes and helps me re-focus and get back on my feet. This micro-sized faith pushes me to wake up in the morning and tells me that I still am making progress, no matter how stagnant it seems. This pea-sized faith helps me love myself, believe in myself, tell myself that it's all gonna make sense in the end. This faith pulls me out of a deep pit time and time again, and encourages me to try again, and try again, and try again. This frail faith whispers, "Just try to make it through today" everyday, until I get okay.

This frail faith is what keeps me going. And I don't know when it's gonna rebuild itself back again, but I'm never letting go of this frail faith.

#rantsandjoys

[missartus]

Merry Christmas!

Figured that I should write a post at Christmas, given all the chaos that’s been 2020 lol. Well, for one, Covid’s still here and so it’s still been pretty hard for everyone. Personally, my Christmas obviously changed in a way that it’s more chill this time around. Not that I’m complaining ‘cause this is probably my most preferred way of celebrating the holidays, but I’d rather have a chill Christmas because I wanted it and not because the circumstances forced us to. I didn’t even bother to dress up nor put on some makeup because I was really lazy to do so, and to be honest, the Christmas spirit isn’t really as felt this time around. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this. 

Anyway, I didn’t really intend to make a depressing post LOL. It’s the other way around, actually. I’ve been meaning to write something for a few days now but I’ve been lazy. I actually wanted to say that given all the chaos, thankfully I had a couple of things that kept me sane. They’re mostly new hobbies and interests, and some may come off as a shock, even. So here are my life updates so far. A list of things that helped me survive 2020 😌

Baking

It started with a box of pancake mix. A few months back, I was supposed to make some pancakes for an afternoon snack, but then I was kinda tired with eating pancakes that I wondered if there is any other way I can turn that mix into. I eventually ended up with these hard chocolate turnovers lmao. After that, I was suddenly baking almost every week. So far, I’ve baked coffee buns, lemon bars, pandesal!, pound cakes, cookies (ofc), and cinnamon rolls. I’m targeting to go for naked cakes but I am yet to buy an electric mixer. For someone who hates measurements and all, it’s a shock for me to be into baking. But it’s been so therapeutic for me. The kneading of the dough, the whisking, mixing, the rise, the waiting on the oven — so zen. I guess, it’s cause it keeps my mind off of things, and whenever I bake, I’m just so focused on what I’m doing. So it’s like, I’m in my own bubble of productivity for a long while. Also, I’d say it kinda helps with my self-esteem, as baking has allowed me to prove to myself that I can do something delish. Whenever I look at the finished products, I couldn’t believe that I, me, Mich, me, did that! I think that happened when I made pandesals and when I really liked the cinammon rolls. I was like, “Omg, I can’t believe I did this!” Aside from my fam, I’ve sent a few of my pastries to friends as well, and some say that I should start a business already lol. But that’s so far from my mind right now. I mean, I’d want to, in the future. But not sometime soon. I still want to enjoy this season where I’m plainly learning and enjoying the process of baking. I don’t, and am not, prepared for the pressure and hassle of it all yet. 🤪

Workout

I’ve been working out for a few years now but I wasn’t as consistent as how I’ve been the past couple of months. I used to workout every freaking day, but lately it would just be about thrice or four times a week. My past blog posts would give you a hint about my relationship with my body and food. It hasn’t been really nice in general, but working out really does help me improve my mindset towards my body image. Admittedly, I began working out because I wanted to lose weight, but eventually (and thankfully), it transformed into me working out because it makes me strong and it benefits my mental health a lot. I do a variety, although most times I’d do cardio, then I’ll just pair it up with either weights or another round of cardio but dance.

The process has been fun, and I don’t really pressure myself or limit myself when it comes to food. I still eat whatever’s there, but right now it’s all portion control, really. In all fairness, I think because I’ve been working out, my appetite isn’t as huge as it used to be. I get fuller fast these days, and I rarely binge-eat, unless I re-stock on Korean grocery food hahahaha. Anyway speaking of Korean, here’s my last interest update...

BTS

Yup. As in that K-pop boyband. As in Bangtan Sonyeondan. As in that band who’s taking over the world. What a plot twist, right? I’ve never been into K-pop to begin with, so BTS (and eventually, K-pop in general) is probably my biggest musical plot twist so far. I initially was supposed to write a whole separate blog post about this (because that’s how OBSESSED I AM WITH BTS) but I figured that I’ll just include them in this “life update” entry. But for real, it began back in October, when I saw this screenshot of RM’s WeVerse comment/reply to a fan. I’m pasting it here for reference lol.

For some reason, I was really impressed after seeing this. I’ve known the band for a while already. I know how big they are and I even have friends who are huge fans. I’ve seen a couple of their online content in the past as well, but I think it was this image that made me really realize why they’ve been getting so much attention and why their fanbase just keeps on growing. This was the first time that I “got it”, if you know what I mean. Anyway, a bit after that my ARMY friends messaged me and I was immediately swooped into the world of BTS. I don’t regret any of it though haha! I have so much feelings about this topic (lololol) but I’ll try to hold back. Who knows, I might continue with that separate blog post anyway 💁‍♀️ My bias is Namjoon (my goodness, this man is such a dream), while my bias wrecker is Jimin. Although I think my bias wrecker changes everyday now lmao. 😂 I’ll say this though, it wasn’t their pretty faces that got me. If anything, I think that really comes as secondary, because what made me an Army was their talent, their story, and their character. These boys are really men of substance, and their songs and advocacy can attest to how principled they are. Their songs have also helped me so much as I am still in the process of improving myself, my mental health, and all these introspective things. I remember this one time where I bawled my eyes out when I was reading through the English translation of Answer: Love Myself. In a year when I almost lost myself again due to how depressing this year was, it feels good to root for something, or in this case, someone, and see them flourish in success. They really started at the bottom, and I guess in a way their story also inspires me to keep on doing what I’m doing, knowing that someday, everything will make sense and I’ll finally make it. 

BTS also led me to listen to other K-pop acts as well such as Day6 (another fave!), Monsta X, Shinee, IU, Henry, and BlackPink (very recently hahaha) Ok, I’ll stop right there. 😬 Funny how I just cannot get the K-pop hype for so many years, and now I’m genuinely enjoying it. It’s become my go-to work soundtrip also as I don’t get carried away by singing along to the lyrics as, ofc, it’s in a different language lol.

Plants

I remember last year when my colleagues at work gave me this plant and they assured me that it won’t die but it did. It kinda made me think that I don’t have a green thumb and that I can never maintain a plant. But guess what, I have about 7 plants now and THEY’RE ALL THRIVING SO WELL. I’m so invested in these plant babies and I’m so proud of myself that they’re all so alive and doing well. There were some scares, I admit. Like this one time when I attempted to re-pot my Syngonium Arrowhead and it almost died lol but I re-did it and thankfully it resurrected hahahahaha. Again, just like what I said about BTS and my baking, my plants are also testament to how it feels nice to root for (no pun intended) something and see them thrive, and how it feels so satisfying and reassuring to see something that I’ve been taking care of live healthy and happy. 

So yeah, there’s that. 

Those are what my life has been circling around these days. As I’ve said, I’m very grateful that I got into these things, little as they may seem as compared to others. But hey, they make me happy, and I think at this point in time, as long as something makes you happy and sane, that’s all that matters. You do you, girl. Wow, I can’t believe that I wrote this long. It’s been a while since I did! Anyway, I’m gonna end this here now as it’s getting late and I still have stuff to do. 

Merry Christmas!

#rantsandjoys

[missartus]

My body and all its flaws

This was my journal entry the other day. Usually, I write in my journal whenever I just can’t control my anxiety anymore and I’d need an outlet. So there I was, freaking out about how huge I am.

I know that I’ve already written a blog post about this a couple of months ago, so you know that I haven’t had a steady and positive relationship with my body for years. It’s just an issue that I’ve been struggling to overcome. To be totally honest, I could spend hours pinpointing every single flaw — my flabby arms, my huge thighs, my wide hips, my double chin, my huge belly, my butt...I could go on and on, and it’s so frustrating to see myself like this everyday in the mirror, no matter how hard I work out or controlled I eat.

Yesterday, I was getting so bothered about my weight (as usual), so I dashed towards the full-body mirror (again, as usual) to check if I really am as fat as I think. I checked my side angle, my front angle, my double chin, my arms, everything. And so, no, this isn’t a mirror selfie for the ‘gram. I took this photo cause I wanted to assure myself that I still “look okay”. I hate that I do it, but I can’t stop it either.

I wish that I have something positive to end this post with. Initially, I wanted to post that mirror selfie on my Instagram Stories to share my battle with negative body image and how I “overcome” it, but I wanna be honest with myself. I’m not overcoming it. I don’t know how.

Anyway, that’s it from me today.

#rantsandjoys

[missartus]

[missartus]

Ramblings

My brain is so busy (but when is it not though lmao)

There’s just been a lot going on the past few days, and yes, things still get worse. 

I mean, we’re halfway through 2020 and things just continue to worsen over time — it’s actually numbing already. The country now has over 9 TRILLION PESOS in debt which is supposedly for Covid-19 response, and yet we’ve reached 100,000 Covid-19 positive cases this month, we are back again to MGCQ (basically square one), the health care system is collapsing, and medical frontliners are asking for a timeout (which they rightfully deserve).

I don’t know. It just feels surreal. And there are times now where I tend to be an inch closer to being apathetic, because this just messes up with my mental health so bad. But then that in itself pisses me off because that in itself is privilege, and having this kind of privilege is kind of like a blessing and a curse, even though it feels mostly like a curse nowadays.

It’s depressing, maddening, agonizing, traumatic and just plain hard for everyone. 

#rantsandjoys

[missartus]

What in the world is happening to the world?

Hey, blog. First off, I'd like to apologize for yesterday's entry. That was a pretty intense and overwhelming day for me, and I can't really explain what was going on in my head space at the time. Or it's just I don't want to delve into it right now, because, well, that's not what I'm going to write about actually.

Okay, moving on. Just wanted to get it out of the way.

Anyway, so. The world is in shambles right now. It honestly gets worse and worse everyday, and I don’t really have anything good to make out of it. After more than 2 months, the ECQ in Metro Manila was eased, and today marks the first day of the GCQ (General Community Quarantine) -- basically, most businesses are back in operation, but the risk is still high as the Philippines hasn’t really flattened the curve out just yet. If anything, the cases still keep on getting higher. In the US, on the other hand, another black man was yet again killed by cops. And so this (among many more, to my understanding) has begun tons of protests and riots, and it’s just getting more and more violent. As someone who’s read books and watched documentaries, and has basically tried to educate herself with the issue of racism, the Civil Rights Movement, and more, my heart completely bleeds for the Black community. Maybe just as how my heart also bleeds for my own nation as well.

I’m pretty sure there are so many other horrible things happening on other parts of the world. And in these uncertain times, I’m extremely grateful that my family and I are doing well. I mean, we’re not super well off, we’re far from rich. But we’re a striving, middle-class family and in today’s crisis, I think that’s already enough. I still have my work, and so does my dad, and although we don’t really have high paychecks, we’re making it work. We still have food to eat (we’ve tried so many food recipes and experiments throughout the course of the quarantine! Lol), I still get to buy some unnecessary purchases through online shopping every now and then (i’m sort of embarrassed though), my brother can still continue his studies, my savings have been increasing lately also (WHICH IS A BIG ACHIEVEMENT BTW), and so, compared to other people, we have so much to be thankful for.

But although I genuinely want to be grateful for the provisions we have now, it’s hard to actually do it. Because every time that I think about our blessings, I think of the people in the urban poor communities, the jeepney drivers and other daily wage earners who’ve lost their sources of income. I think about those people who are continuously oppressed by extreme poverty. I think about the frontliners who have been fighting so hard in the hospitals for more than 2 months now. As much as I want to be grateful for my privileges, it hurts. I feel like I don’t have the right to be happy, to be thankful. Because then, I’d be insensitive to the atrocities around me.

And as much as I’d want to help out, I can only do so much. And it’s downright frustrating and depressing, even. Nobody deserves to experience what these people are experiencing right now. I can only imagine the struggle and the pain.

How I wish that this pandemic and all the horrors that came with it would be over. Humanity has been through so much. So much.

#rantsandjoys

[missartus]

i pray you heal from things no one ever apologized for

[missartus]

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

— Alanis Morissette, "Sorry to Myself", Under Rug Swept

[missartus]

After more than a year, my suicidal thoughts are back

After more than a year of getting my life back together, therapies, adjustments, thought challenges, and everything else.

Here I am again, battling the very same thought that brought me to the emergency room back in October 2018.

My head feels light and trippy.

#rantsanjoys #rantsandjoys

[missartus]

[missartus]

[missartus]

Insomnia thoughts

So it's almost 4am and I just can't sleep. We are more than 2 months into the Enhanced Community Quarantine due to the Covid-19 pandemic, and just a few minutes ago, an earthquake happened.

I feel so anxious. So terrified about what's to come. It just gets more and more real. A volcanic erruption, earthquakes, a pandemic. I mean. How is this real?

[missartus]

Food guilt

I’ve always loved food, and eating has been one of my favourite things to do ever since. I think my family has a significant contribution to this, because my mom, my sister, my grandma and aunts cook so good, and my dad, on the other hand, makes the best desserts. So you can say that I pretty much had quite a great introduction to food. 

Anyway, because of this, of course, I was a bit chubby as a child. I didn’t mind it at first, but it wasn’t until around high school that I began to be more cautious of how I looked. And compared to my other girl classmates, I was the biggest.

I believe how I looked like back then contributed to why I was also bullied in grade school until highschool. Although I did shrink in size eventually, my vast body built made me look a bit larger than the others still. 

Fast forward to around 2015/2016 when I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). I was given medication to normalize my hormones at the time, and eventually, my body immediately blew up. In just a matter of months, I was fat again. And just when things didn’t feel worse enough, the meds also gave me intense bouts of anxiety and depression. 

I eventually got off the pills, and so I was about to lose some weight. However, it was so hard this time around. Maybe it’s because my metabolism was slower already, and/or my freakin’ PCOS still had something to do with it. Regardless, I think it was already during that time that I really started to hate my body and how I looked.

What’s even worse is, I think that hate never really went away.

This afternoon, I got myself a regular cup of milk tea. I haven’t had milk tea in a while, so much so that I promised myself to have one milk tea per month only. I was looking forward to enjoying my drink, but what happened was otherwise. I was so guilty after I bought the drink. I felt like I did something so horrible and that I’m gonna be so huge again in a matter of minutes. I suddenly remembered all those photos of myself when I looked so big. My floppy arms, flabby tummy, wide hips, huge thighs, everything. The weird thing is, I knew that I was being mean to myself. But I just can’t help it. It’s so ironic, but I kinda punish myself for being big by eating more. So weird, right?

There are days where I feel skinnier than usual, and heck do I love it. However, it only goes for about only a day or two. My issue with body image has gotten to heights where it really does affect me mentally. When I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, the psychiatrist gave me anti-depressants, but I refused to take the meds, simply because I knew that I’d gain weight. At that time, I opted to suffer through my depression as long as I didn’t get big. (Thankfully, psychotherapy worked for me! But if not, I’d be such a mess)

I feel like I’ve already tried everything at this point. Diet, fasting, exercise, everything. And at times, it does work. I lose weight. But then when I go back to the usual, I gain again. I feel like I never can have a normal eating lifestyle without the possibility of gaining weight, and it frustrates me so much. I wish I could say something positive right now. Something like a plot twist that will eradicate all that I’ve said, but I can’t. I still have a lot of body image issues, and right now I feel like I don’t have any solution to it.

#rantsandjoys

[missartus]

just to be clear, I’m staying here as long as this site functions. I have 0 intentions of deleting this blog, I will go down with this ship if only to see exactly how bad it gets

[missartus]

[missartus]

beekeeper:*keeps bees*

bees:*is keep*