missylost000

[missylost000]

So I suppose I hate him and being trapped in the hair riddled apartment makes it all worse … I’m so tired … I don’t know what to say … I chose this ..: this loneliness and comfort - loveless … he loves me and I know … but he’s revolting and I cringe at the idea of sex with him and yet I’m horny and lonely

[missylost000]

sister sister

well... years of eating issues and my sister seems to have it worse than me... she is skeletal ... and while i dream of that for myself. i am scared she is gonna kill herself.

so instead of talking to her i spoke to my mom and brother... i had to remind them both that at her weight shes likely eating her heart and internal organs...

my mother didnt even argue when i said she ahs a eating disorder... she said she wants to handle it... something has psychologically disturbed her and shes clearly doing really badly... i dont judge... but she feels angry with me for the life i have compared to her.

things improved before she got here... and then it hit her... and she was anrgy with me for not working specifically... but i cant deny... im scared she will have a heart attack

[missylost000]

family

my sister is back... where i thought i had problems... clearly she is the one with the more fully expressed depression and eating disorder...

she proceded to return home and eat nothing for 24 hrs and then made herself a strange 99 % low calorie high protein dinner of eggs and 2 slices of thin sliced beef... naturally i want to say something... my mother asked me not to... i have a lot of my own demons... but its always hard to see someone else... shes doing so well with work...

but she is like 38 kgs max and not eating... shes short but honestly i think she will either die or get really fat and get depressed when she stops pure starvation.

do i wish i was thin again... and want to lean into all my issues... all the time... but do i like seeing my sister starving herself to death and having extreme disordered eating habbits... no... i think my mom needs to move up to live with her so she doesnt kill herself.

[missylost000]

Female rage ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

[missylost000]

I won’t lie maybe Jake has become my depression beard … I’m losing my hair my hip bones and worn down and I lost my thyroid … I’m unemployed and I have anxiety at every corner

And I’m engaged to this man who has Asperger’s and can’t even talk about a feeling forget identify them … he sees lists and numbers

I am anxious about leaving the emotional support of my family I am scared I’ll start hurting myself in some weird way … scared I’ll do something … scared the disillusionment of life will drown me … I know he can pay money and I’m not starving or homeless … it’s a whole new different problem

I always prayed for a partner … but this emotionally blind human can never meet my needs … and it means I’m not allowed to … I feel sick but I can’t stop taking his money - I don’t have a job or even mental and physical health to work … so what else can I do

[missylost000]

Female rage ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

[missylost000]

me fr

cred: kendollisms on insta

[missylost000]

[missylost000]

[missylost000]

[missylost000]

My soul is so sad …

Jake’s Asperger’s … I don’t love him … he’s ok … can’t believe I’m engaged to him

It doesn’t feel right …

I’m so lonely …

[missylost000]

I don’t want to go and marry this person … I don’t like how he makes me feel … he’s not connected

He’s like a robot trying and failing to understand people …

It’s missing what I truly want … sigh … I didn’t wear the ring yesterday and I don’t want to today … he’s not my true love - I guess I’m getting married for financial security … that’s all …

[missylost000]

When I gave up on love I really never imagined this would happen … marriage to process my life because I’m down on my luck

Jake annoys me more and more daily … he’s not evil … just handicapped and excited to have a captive to annoy with all his little details … he’s a friend … there’s no true love there … none

[missylost000]

I feel disgusting

[missylost000]

привямба меня зовут Даночка и это довольно странная запись или же мысли человека, добровольно погрязшего в страдании

tw: анорексия, рпп

сколько я могу себя помнить мне никогда не было легко разобраться в своей собственной голове, несмотря на высокие достижения в реализации себя в жизни. еще в достаточно раннем детском возрасте, около шести лет, я поняла, насколько же меня переполняет зависть от одного лишь взгляда на чрезмерно худых, тощих девочек. я всегда была худой, я была даже явным астеником, склонным к худобе, но все равно аскетичным мое телосложение нельзя было назвать. моей целью было стать более похожей на узников из бyxeнвaльдa и ocвeнциma. И у меня получилось, ведь находясь в росте 170 см, я похудела с 53,7 до 41. и все же, я нравилась себе намного больше, хотя все источники гласят, что человек с анорексией никогда не будет себе нравится. Да это так, но не настолько, все же хоть немного я полюбила себя.

В своем минимальном весе я пробыла около года, даже чуть больше, но на фоне ужасных отношений с матерью в октябре уехала в веселую больницу, где всего за месяц из 41 я превратилась в 49. Это так странно, что прежде всего для себя я лишь цифра и кости это даже грустно.

Все же я понимаю, что не могу справиться с этим, мне никто не помог, даже когда я просила, хотя обычно я не хотела, чтобы мне помогли. И сейчас я снова в точке старта. Чтобы снова уничтожить себя?

на фотографиях июнь 2023, 44 кг

это я в спортмастере хихи хаха

[missylost000]

Need to keep going!!!

[missylost000]

preach fiona- hunger does hurt!