mistedfence

[mistedfence]

the world is a well and the moon is outside

a lunatic fighting style that is only transferrable by surviving an encounter with a practicer(infected). thankfully (or unfortunately) rare

[mistedfence]

im starting to approach drunkenness bc you know its that kind of fuckin day but looking at that post i made the night before i all nightered before lg cafe with keshav really put a hamper in this hole ive started to fall down again in the last day and a half. i even went to bed and woke up this morning feeling more or less okay. i dont know what happened. my sister and my hair, i guess. realization of how i wasted my time with bl2 is another, as well as my favorite bl2 youtuber that i spent a lot of time on today being revealed to be an insane racist really hurting things, as well as keshav letting me know he contacted somebody we barely knew that could help me about storyboarding bc she works at Disney making me realize how little ive done to improve my hated situation with my own work, and williams offer for a simple meet making me realize how im ghosting everybody in ways they dont deserve, whether its as being a friend or just calling them out instead of prolonging unadmitted pain

[mistedfence]

antisocial disorder is being debillitatingly lonely but casting aside the few friends you have because they cause you more grief and irritation

[mistedfence]

i see the one or two messages ive sent to people in the last few days and immediately wish i hadn’t

[mistedfence]

ive been avoiding people irl and online. iunno. feels like one of those things where you tidy up and close everything off before a big change.

[mistedfence]

i dont think ive ever started or prompted hanging out with anybody i know, except for familial regularity of some expected rigidity like friday movie. it feels entirely out of obligation. i legitimately do not know when if ever that ive wanted to or asked somebody if they wanted to do something together. oh i can think of one thing now. the thing ive decided to entirely go by on my own because my attempts at making discussion were met with blankness. whats with the simoultaneous experience of imposter syndrome born from genuine incompetence and percieved superiority id really like to know. i think i just need to learn to be alone and to work when alone. itd likely be more possible if i were more comfortable with my own self

[mistedfence]

im tired of providing company for everyone. it feels one way

[mistedfence]

i keep thinking somebody is knocking, but its just the flies inside trying to escape through the windows

this isnt a metaphor or anything its just the davis apartment cleaning experience get me out i just wanna draw

[mistedfence]

dont slow down when a squirrel dashes under your car. you’ll kill them

[mistedfence]

ive been tired for so long that ive forgotten that i am or how much i am, save for a rare occasion every month or two or so where it suddenly crashes on me all the time i just spent not dealing with anything about it at all

i look at what ive gained today and am reminded of what ive always lacked

i dont think im gonna make it through this awkward middle school hair phase into proper long hair. i might try to cut it myself during the incoming solo time in the coming week

but shit xr and ipad6 from a iphone6 though

8/18/19 2:05am

[mistedfence]

seeing some classmates from highschool starting to realize their creative ambitions on facebook, along with a friend from freshman year of college having recently married, has made me realize that i dont have time to be angry

8/12/19 3:35pm

i changed my clock on my macbook to analog

[mistedfence]

a void beyond emptiness.

flat. hard and filling. hollowness can be felt, but this isnt felt. to be submerged in the dead. nothing in, but nothing can come in. hollow people are ambitious and can want. dead filled people are ambitious but cant know why.

life is hollowness and death is. desire is not to be satiated but to bridge the two ends.

august 11 2019 - 11:58pm

[mistedfence]

the trenches that teeth wrought now were inflamed as hellish mountain ridges. all on the non drawing arm though. obviously.

you look at a person and sometimes you see what their childhood was. what sticks with them from a pool of all potentially cornerstone memories is what they are.

my mother was with cats in the household. mine was in the park garden at twilight. i wish there was any way i could see my relationship with my dad not ending in pain.

[mistedfence]

i actually registered for a disney account roughly an hour ago just to see the format in which i was expected to submit everything, to present the whole of me. i got stopped at the first actual step beyond basic personal information, with the prompt to submit a resume. i never updated mine, after all this time. so far this is what I have for the new summary.

I’ve always found it odd when people make light of or feel embarrassed at having personality tics or preferences inspired by fictional characters. Heroes inspire. It’s human nature to have heroes, facing down problems in environments we don’t realize we intimately know. The ways a hero can look and act, and the monsters they can face, are constantly evolving, giving people channels to parse the lives they live and their contexts within humanity.

dont know why this is bolded but it looks alright. im not yet a fan of the last sentence. i also wanted to include a bit about whether heroes are based on real people or lifted from more extraordinary questions, but that ruins the emphasized punctuated rhythm of the 3rd sentence, i feel.

you know i feel any decent enough vessel would just seem legit if the content is good enough and the depth of investment is proper. im starting to feel an actual settling with this name and profile icon, which actually revitalized my hope a bit in having some semblance of sketchbook potential for storyboarding ability in apps. go through something of meaning with anything and it will brand that with you through the pressure. funny how i didn’t have this feeling since my elementary school late friday night art practices, for saturday’s classtime showings. i wonder how my dad would have grown and changed as a person if i realized my transgenderness then and approached him about it. he’s been stuck interacting with the outside shell of a dead personality all these years. i feel bad for everybody. they dont know what they’re fundamentally missing because of me.

hooie this blog is a real private blog now

august 11, 2019 - 11:38pm

[mistedfence]

today was aster’s birthday. today was also the day that disney’s story artist apprenticeship applications were due. in 34 minutes actually. today was also the day that i’ve yelled the hardest i ever had in my life at a family member. it’s a broken adaptation to fear distance when being together and affecting each other just causes so much pain. it really is broken. i just wish i wasn’t so fucking  hurt by my loneliness 

[mistedfence]

suicidal urge as a term i dont know if i dislike because of the stigma or the accuracy. compulsion might be a word. reflex feels like it should work if english swept for it in just a little bit differently of a way. maybe i feel that word because that’s what it feels like to me by this point. an overwhelming reflex for visceral response or release. at times like these it feels like it’s every day, but thinking and remembering clearly that i go long periods without it reminds me that this is still only always temporary even at its worst. ive calmed down a bit but i still dont know if i refute my thought of reaching my dreams as soon as possible so i can just rest already.

[mistedfence]

So the last few days were a fuckin nonch for animation. Helped my sister shop a bit for college yesterday, and spent the day before that looking at a ton of stuff about the Note 9 bc its about time for my mum n I to upgrade phones, and I really want something to help me practice color and composition on the fly (and trying in general to create more or less finished pieces bc holy shit I’ve lost that ability). Parentheses relevant because I finally resolved tonight to all nighter or die. This is partly because I agreed to meet a friend for brunch at the overpriced cafe we hella like, as a reward for going hard on studying/working (we’re both about a 2/10 here, funnily enough on his end because he’s normally a powerhouse). 

It’s also partly because I more or less got closure with a hella close friend that I’ve stopped talking to, where before we’d talked for like 5+ years or so about series creation and all sorts of stuff about life; basically we’re still not talking for real, but now less with ambiguous tension and more or less with each other’s blessing to achieve our overarching life goals, as we were sort of distracting each other from doing so. A lot of “more or lesses” in that last titan of a sentence, but it was a rather funky scenario. Even his final statements were mixed as hell in tone, but I looked past that as his general tendencies to just respect that he overcame his bad habit of never getting to the point about a personal relationship. I hope we talk again, when we’ve realized our dreams. It was funny though, because he initially sent a mini paragraph out of the blue with a pretty conclusive feel, and I sent one to acknowledge his content and my own final thoughts, but then he instantly reflexively started just debating my definitions and understandings of stuff and we fell into our usual conversation rhythm before going wait no. My sister called us dumb about this. I really agree with her but for once I legitimately see what we saw beyond this. It’s good to have a friend that cares about you in a greater scope beyond regular conversation or chilling, though of course both kinds are important. I’m still sad about the idea of not talking, but the number of things I’ve realized and grown out of in the few months we spent apart pretty clearly show the necessary aspects of it. Anyway enough about that. My work now is truly what matters.

This logically should be the post where I discuss a bit more about Celestialvania, but my resolve to all nighter actually got me into a bunch of high school old feeling habits that I’ve sorely missed, nearly all related to productivity and real grinds. I want to realize this all nighter, instead of repeating my greatest flaw. Taking a break that ends up turning the beginning of a finally successful attempt into an utter failure. That was a bit vaguely worded. Like, I get myself to try really hard at something, and I finally crack a bit of my total inability to try hard at things, and even if the achievement’s small it just gives me so much happiness and relief that I don’t actually ever get back to it and continue it. Then that just means in my total actual time spent, all I did was this one tiny thing instead of the actual achievement. Now that I think about it my friend actually pretty much called me out on exactly this yesterday as one of the main signs I’ve lost sight of stuff in general. Man. Should follow my own practice and actually hop back to work now. 

Rediscovered good habits:

Sacrifice poofy hair in mornings by showering and then just sitting at desk instead of lying down in bed. Feeling clean and being in clean comfy clothes help me settle into my desk and combat my legendarily infamous (to myself) restlessness. Restlessness is how I usually dont even get to make my biggest mistake/flaw. Seeing something bad after a few moments of effort discourages me and I feel compelled to leave the work area. Comfiness and settling down helps me not stress out (bu yao ji) and surely but steadily work forward. It also helps combat impulsiveness and blind ramming in favor of thought and actual problem solving, which I completely lost sight of by trying to just willpower my way into being good at art (in the bad way). So yeah comfiness factors are nice clothes, and most importantly KEEP MY FAN ON like holy crap idk what it is with energy consumption and self defeating behaviors for me but for some reason keeping the fan on stresses me out about power, and in addition to it keeping me actually comfy it reminds me that something else beyond my body is powering my productivity, I can’t let it go to waste. I guess it’s a sort of externalization or visualization of my decision to spend time in this way. Partly also because it’s like flowy right, so it feels like movement in a way, I guess?

This helps me combat the other part, which I kinda already said about restlessness. This was always my worst flaw though, as it happens both when I mildly succeed or fail at something. Learning to just stay the fuck put, like with piano practice as a kid or homework in my first 2 years of high school, really always trained me because no matter what you’re trying to make a career or genuine quality, whether you enjoy it or not, you’re going to have moments of difficulty. Two parting tenets. One was this incredible craftsman who described his experience with a Japanese woodcarver before their passing, who gave a quote from him about hobbyists only doing a thing when they like to do it, as opposed to craftsman. In the same line, I recently thought about how what a passion really means is how much you still commit to doing something when you’re absolutely sure you fucking hate it. Though that could be really taken in the opposite way too. I’ve felt this for a long time, but I need to reach the point where I would rather do literally anything else in the world than continue being strapped to my chair doing art. Because once I hit that point (and then go past it), once I’ve hit rock bottom, will I finally be connected to the foundation of my goals.

edit: didn’t realize these didn’t have timestamps on them, and i kinda hate my habit of dating before i draw in my sketchbook, so i’ll try to just date at the end of posts now (and in my sketchbook (and in my ps files))

august 8 2019 1:25am