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"Sometimes i knew why people choose to run away from reality, reality treats them like shit"

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Stress

I have been Holding things for weeks and i am very tired of everything. Work keep on piling up , Energy is getting drained each day , Emotion is quiet shaky nowadays and Oh God EVERYONE KEEPS ON PUSHING MY LIMIT. what do you even want for me?! i risk my future and my lifee for Other people FOR YOU what do you even want more from ME.. Im a human too... What i need is repect THATS IT but JUST BCUZ i kept quiet all this time that doesnt give you the right to Step on me and do everything as you please. Im so sick and tired of it.. IF IT wasnt bcuz i know my role i know my responsibility I WOUND NEVER DO ALL OF THISS.. IM BROKEN IM A MESSED UP GIRL... Just because you suffered because of your past mistakes , DOESNT GIVE THE RIGHT FOR U TO MAKE YOUR DAUGHTER THE ALSO SUFFERED AND HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT AND TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE... WHYY WHYYYY.. 😭😭😭😭 ya Allah pls give me strength i have no one but only you.. i can only express this here cuz i cannot burden my friends or sibling with my problem 😞😞

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A letter to my 10 years old self from Her 20 years old self.

Dear Le**a

Hi, How are you? im hope you are healthy and living if you are thinking about dying ill gonna slap the shit out of you lol okay kidding , umm How was school and MATHS? i hope you pass it this time haha and dont worry you will get through it in some time around, How about you and your friends? dont worry if it doesnt turn out well not all people are lucky enough to get their true friends in primary school so dont worry you will have the chances in the future , how i know ? well im you silly just a bit old. Well i want to asked you about your parents but i knew you are going through alot right now because of them but hey its okay you can get through this , you might be clueless and confused and qns yourself about what had happen but i cant tell you the reason but you will know it soon enough. i cannot tell you what to expect in the future but im going to warn you that its going to be hard and harder each time and i know you will feel like you are to young for this and feel like killing your self but listen dont , dont give up dont stop striving to be stronger and better for you and your siblings because they only have you to count on and you can only rely on yourself. Despite the struggles, I will tell you that as you go through the journey , you will meet alot that will love you and support you until the end , you gain self achievement that you never expect to have , you will grow to be an independent , selfless and loving human being so dont be scared to go through those struggles , yes there will be tears , pain and disappointment but dont forget the love , care and blessing of Allah is always there so pls go to him and dont be blind. i have nothing else to say but to remind you that im wrinting this letter after 10 years of your life so im happy to tell you i have survive and that means you will survive, so ill see you the next 10 years oh and I love you le**a and you should always remember that 🙂

Jaga Mata , telinga , hati dan Iman syg 💗

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Throwback to My 10 years old self.

everyone seems to be doing the #10yearsoldchallenge and telling plus showing people how much they change in the past 10 years of living. well i mostly see the changes that they post around are often aspect of appearances and i actually find it very lovely as i can also feel the journey of their life to become the person that they are but honestly im very lack of confidence in that department , i never find myself attractive or sexy or hot haha i just think that im normal and growing healthy and im so thankful for Allah and May Allah continue to give his blessing.🙂 therefore i guess its much more better if i write a letter to my 10 years old self on what shes gonna go thro plus achieve in 10 years time.

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sometimes i wonder why living seems to be one of the most difficult thing to do.

-me , myself and I

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I wish i can Help PT 1

This past few months i have been working under my dad , what does it feel like? it feels heaven and hell at the same time but mostly hell. I was the eldest in the family , what eldest hold hmm responsibilities lots and lots of responsibilities. I didnt get to go back to school and giving people around me excuses that i needed to get a year off , lil do they know i was force too, why? its bcuz money and of course responsibility. I wasnt happy but That means not sacrificing my lil bro and sis future , ill do it. Months past i was having a love-hate relationship with the job , theres moment i feel like quiting , theres a moment i feel like hey this isnt that bad. it got worse over time and well it was due to my dad He didnt told me he was in trouble. its was awful my burden grew bigger as well my mental health.

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Shes with the grey haira

A million words would never be enough to describe you , its started from how you took care of us and how you define selfess as a part of you. U suffered since u were a kid from the pain of losing a parent to the pain of losing a husband. Anger , strong , cold , selfish , mean and loveless is how i used you to see you but now what i see is a lonely lady who suffered... and got hurt but never once u complain despite you are tired. when a women and a man that you love left their children due their own selfish reason , turning back is not what u did but raising them up was what u choose. tick tock time is running years are passing.. the children grow so did you , when i see you.. ohh.. i was asking how did u survive? how can u think so positive ? how can you still smile? how can u be so patient? how dare u make me think so badly of you for those years? you did what people expect of you expect what? you listen to them instead them listen to you , when u had nothing.. you didnt told those who love you why? burdening them was wasnt part of your shoes. You give them money , you feed them food , you provide them shelter , you showered them with love but never once out of all that list.. you want it back and instead living our life to the fullest and on the right path is what makes you feel raising us was a great gift . you remind us of Allah , you remind us to Pray , you remind us to read alquraan when it wasnt your duty but supposed to be that man and that women you love. Oh grandmaa you said you dont need money, you dont need a new house , you dont need good food and you dont need expensive brands besides the love from us , the love and care from us and you deserve a sorry from us because you shouldnt asked because its part of our job to do , you were lonely and we are sorry for not realizing that and Apologizing cannot returns those lonely days... , your hurting but we didnt get to feel that.. and Sympathy wont heal the remaining scars right. Oh grandmaa if Allah would let me choose who i should give the priveliged of heaven to , it would be you

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Enough P3

have u ever think about commiting a suicide despite that u fear of death? yes , everyday and everynight , i guess being broken has its own consiquences. During those Grey and black childhood days , Getting hated by your own mother for not being good enough becomes my daily life , Being called stupid and useless becomes my daily habit. When i see myself in the mirror and trying to find own worth , i cant seem to find it so i cried.. isnt it sad. I tried to be strong and 20 years has past , what did i get , what did i experience , what did i gain , love? no money? no confidence? no.. then what? i dont know

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Enough P2

Dad, babah, he was tough , rock tough , he been through shit why? momma was the problem , She lied He believe , She left He waits , She gave Up He stand Up , She throw He pick it up , she Wants he fulfilled , She full Hes Empty , She Smile He laugh , She sorrow Hes misreable and she walk away he was left broken. Cells doesnt break you up right dad? That dead walls , That Iron Gate , That horrible treatment , what was on his mind at that time? Money ? regrets ? Time? his kids? his family? or Her? Hes a definition of Suffering that moment that time , she was happy why she met a guy haha not that its new. I was stunned by the fact she wasnt guilty she wasnt said and i knew she didnt love him anymore. Hes free now damn took 2 years for him to get out from that cages and that tormented situation , His kids was waiting for him outside with their grandma, he saw them and i see that warmness in his eyes. oh dad

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Enough P1

this past few months ive been constantly fighting with my inner demons and i thought i would lock them up far away so that i would save my self from destruction. Drugs , Cigarretes , Alcohol and sex was on my mind everyday and everynight but i didnt touch it and i didnt feel it because seeing myself like a ticking bomb its just so Terrifying. Family , what is family? everyone was growing up , everyone was with their opinion , everyone was with their own world , they didnt notice i was broken and they didnt notice i was crying inside and they must not notice i needed help. Momma was a broken one , she cried , she yelled , she argue , shes hypocrite , she selfish and she is a definition of hatred , She choose to play as victom and Point out her surrouding as the one whos at fault and i was standing there looking with a disappointing sad and amusing eyes , thinking if This is ever going end , i wonder.

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90% of eating disorders begin with a diet. 

30% of all diets end in an eating disorder. 

99% of dieters gain back all the weight and more. 

Yo-yo dieting increases your chance of high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, and early death. 

Diets are dangerous. Say no to diet culture. 

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Episode 1 - Clip 2 “DON’T YOU TRUST ME?” (english subtitles)

Also available on the Google Drive (English and French Subtitles).

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💐 25 flower asks

rose - describe your crush.

cherry-blossom - do you believe in love at first sight?

daisy - what’s your best childhood memory?

daffodil - which colour suits you best?

peony - do you put more value in honour or truth?

iris - favourite 90s song?

sunflower - sun or moon?

narcissus - your best physical feature?

freesia - are you still friends with the person you considered your best friend two years ago?

orchid - favourite fruit?

violet - have you had your first kiss?

gypsophila - do you prefer many distant friends, or a few close friends?

gerbera - neon or pastel?

carnation - does true love exist?

alstroemeria - dream vacation?

anemone - were you ever interested in greek mythology?

cymbidium - sexuality?

rhododendron - what’s your biggest fear?

tulip - lucky number?

gladiolus - who do you look up to most?

snapdragon - favourite mythical creature?

hydrangea - proudest moment?

heather - what’s your favourite musical?

delphinium - what’s your star sign - does it suit you?

ginger - least favourite food?

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I don’t think people realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of an anxiety attack or a panic attack. So if you’ve done that today or any day, I’m proud of you.

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Shout out to everybody who’s trying to get their life together. Working on yourself is the hardest part of life. The rest comes after. You got this!

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You know what strength is? Forgiving a person who wasn’t even sorry.

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Even though the other side is already been shattered into pieces and you are left with the other one.Remember take a good care of it before its all gone.

Allah doesn't need your wealth your health or anything.He just want your heart give him that and he will give you everything.MasyaAllah ;)