mmyneonlights

[mmyneonlights]

:(

#dude. #finally got to talk with him #and we were good all night #and then we get in bed and he's like groping me n stuff. i am literally About To Get Naked. #and he asks me if trans men experience misogyny or misandry?? #so i was like uhhh. complicated subjet a lotta people fight about it. so he asked what do u think. #and i said it could go either way but i dont consider misandry a serious problemm #there is an issue in some spaces with people being treated poorly for masculine traits absolutely but it is far from oppression. #if someone says 'youre a man so you're gross' thats a dick move but its not oppressive. ig #and he completely shut down. stopped touching me and moved away #wouldnt say anything when i tried to ask him what was up except he kept saying its fine its fine #and then finally i got him to say 'i just didnt expect that answer' #and now hes all mopey and doesnt want anything to do with me #i feel crazy lmfao. is it not common sense that bigotry toward men is generally Not Serious like sure it's shitty but it is not oppression. #(on the basis of them being men. obvs men can experience other kinds of bigotry based on race/class/etcetcetc) #idek what to say. #im physically frustrated and emotionally frustrated and im hurt that he just shut down on me like that #like if he agrees that bothers me a little cuz feminism is something im passionate about and saying men are oppressed feels like its #belittling that #*disagrees i mean #but ultimately its fine. he can have his own opinions. but the fact that me having a different opinion from him made him totally shut down #on me is so shitty. and this is the second night in a ROW hes done this. i dont know what to do.

[mmyneonlights]

guy i'm sexting is in the military and he won't even send me cock out pictures in his uniform well then what is the POINT :(

[mmyneonlights]

i did try to reach out to somebody else and she was super sweet abt it but then just stopped responding to my texts even yhough i was trying so hard to reign in the crazy. so that sucks. time to kick in my distractions and try to forget all this enough that i can go to bed

[mmyneonlights]

i think all of this is my fault anyway for making him my whole support. i need to stop

[mmyneonlights]

if he were just awake i'd talk to him now and everything would be okay. i just want to tell him what's wrong so he can hold me but he literally told me not to then went to bed.

#a huge part of me wants to wake him up but i know im too riled and he's too tired to have a productive conversation right now #it just sucks waiting.

[mmyneonlights]

every time i try to go back to the bedroom i just start sobbing again when i see him. but on the bright side both our kitties joined me on the couch and i am getting some good snuggles <3

#i think things will be okay actually. #it currently still feels like my world is crashing down around me. but i know most of that is not reality. #i think things will be okay once we just get a chance to talk #i am still really hurt that he didnt give me that chance tonight. and i'll talk about that too. #but i think everything will be okay.

[mmyneonlights]

i think i need to eat a fucking bullet

#was sad and my boy assumed it was because he didnt want to fuck me #now. to be fair. its something i get insecure about and i was coming on to him. but it kind of hurt that he saw me upset and jumped to #not only it being about that but also that i was angry at him for it. and he got defensive and seemed so pissed at me #and saying 'its not *my* fault im just tired' #which is true but like. dude. i know. its nice but idc if we fuck. #it just really hurt my feelings he assumed that. #and i just got kinda quiet so he asked what was wrong and i #was struggling to talk about it because it takes me forever to process my feelings on things #and i said i had to go to the bathroom so i could go have a think #but he stopped me and said 'please talk to me' so i was like okay. i gotta say something #and i started and stopped a couple times trying to figure it out and he just said 'nevermind' and went to sleep. #he sounded so fucking disgusted with me. #and i started bawling and said sorry and weny to the bathroom. #and he just stayed in bed #hes asleep now. #im shut in the bathroom trying so hard to calm down but i cant stop sobbing and i feel like im going to throw up #i get that hes tired #but id been saying we should go to bed for hours and he wanted to stay up and watch a movie #and no matter how tired he is acting like that isnt fucking okay #im so angry and hurt and sad and scared and i dont know what to do #and hes fucking sleeping #i literally dont know what to do i cant sleep by him but im too upset to be safe going anywhere else i will crash my fucking car if i try to #drive somewhere. and i dont have anybody else. i dont have anyone except him #i dont have anyone except him to turn to #and he saw that i was hurt and got mad at me then went to sleep

[mmyneonlights]

going on antibiotics tomorrow so i wont be able to for at least another week. so awesome. i need to buy a gun.

boyfriend has not had sex with me in over a week even tho we live together and usually do every few days at Least.... how long do i wait before i kill myself

#he already told me he isnt today. 👍 cool

[mmyneonlights]

boyfriend has not had sex with me in over a week even tho we live together and usually do every few days at Least.... how long do i wait before i kill myself

#i am being melodramatic i am just like. do u hate me? is that it?

[mmyneonlights]

autism sucks actually.

#sorry. if u have autism you're swag. but i have it and i fucking hate it. #YOU rock. autism sucks. #should clarify. attempting to communicate while autistic sucks. #and all of life needs communication. so iim just left constantly stressed and confused and guilty. and it fucking sucks.

[mmyneonlights]

can feel a psychotic episode coming on amd i haaate it here

[mmyneonlights]

cutting pretty shapes into myself makes me sooosososo happy u have no idea

#onyl thing that would make it better is if a mean boy was doing it instead #well i am a mean boy. but a different mean boy i mesn

[mmyneonlights]

i need to be fucking lobotomized

#baby im being a baby i need a nap. ill be okay. i am just so tired.

[mmyneonlights]

boy who can't be trusted around trash compactors

#put your dick in the machine. yes

[mmyneonlights]

my sister's pissed at me, my mom's sick of trying to help me, my dad's gone, my boyfriend isn't speaking to me. and for once it's not even my fucking fault, which only makes it worse because there's nothing i can do to fix it. idk how i'm going to get through this.

#i am though. about to go to school. and things will get better eventually.

[mmyneonlights]

at the end of my fucking rope this week between the car crash, dealing with my injuries, moving, preparing for the first tests of semester, dealing with losing my dad, falling behind at work because of my injures, etcetcetc and NOW is when my boyfriend decides to be an asshole to me ?? two days before we'll be living together ???

literally cussed at and talked so condescending to me last night, and he apologized but very much in the 'tell me its fine and stop being offended it makes me uncomfortable' way. like i appreciate the apology but i'm still hurt. told me he's fine when i tried to reach out and check up on him because i know he's been having a hard time too. and now isn't speaking to me at all. how are YOU going to get mad at ME for being hurt that you were mean?? he hasn't checked up on me or asked if i'm okay since the day of the accident over a week ago, literally refused to call me the one time i was having horrible flashbacks and needed to talk to someone, and when i almost got in Another accident days after the first one tried to hang up on me while i was still crying and terrified and got annoyed when i asked him not to.

i know it isn't fair to ask one person to be my entire support network and i need to find other people in my life i can reach out to and rely on, but when we're dating he's supposed to be there for me and he just hasn't been. and i feel like i don't have anywhere else to turn and i don't know how to take care of myself without any kind of help. especially when i'm HIS entire support and i'm always always there for him, every time he asks and even when he can't admit he needs help at first.

it just sucks. i love him and i just want to be with him but he won't even send me a text right now. it feels like he doesn't care at all, and i've already reached out so many times and gotten nothing i don't know what else to do.

[mmyneonlights]

needing to take psychiatric medications while having paranoid delusions thaf your doctor & family & everyone is trying to trick you into drugging yourself is like mental illness on hard mode.

#every other month im like ohmygod... i solved it i was right all along they're trying to POISON ME!! #and then i go off my meds for 3 days and want to kill myself 👎👎 #not even like-- actively suicidal. to be clear i don't think i'm in any danger actually. #just repeated intrusive thoughts of suicide in violent ways often including hurting/killing other people along with myself #and then i cave and take my meds again and im like ohhhhh. ohh i see