morgoyo

[morgoyo]

is there truly a balance?

Work has been too much. Trying to balance learning how to be a leader, but not taking on everything. Others harnessing your willingness and assuming you to the lead role in everything is too much pressure. You'll grow into a pushover without even knowing it.

Just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you should.

I am learning how difficult the word "no" is for me. I am learning to pause before answering a request. I am learning not to give my 100% to anyone at the start. I WILL be run ragged.

If you do your job well, that's good. If you do your job TOO well, you'll drown under their expectations. People will milk everything you have. So, never show them what you have.

[morgoyo]

in-person rendition

I tried to tell you what was wrong, but you just sat there with a blank expression. I didn’t know whether to keep going or to be discouraged. I could feel the burn from your eyes, scorching any previous confidence I had.

Just minutes later, out came a burst of irritation which mutated into rage. Defensive is all he was. But for no reason at all. It was clear that my intentions were irrelevant, thus looked over.

You hit me with the very last thing I needed today. And for that, I made up my mind. Cya

[morgoyo]

fifth degree burns

I often wonder how purposeful my work truly is. Not sure anything I do with or for people really gets through in the way it needs to. Nobody really hears me. I’m constantly working tirelessly to gain respect.

Respect only matters because, without it, I can’t do a thing in this world. When ever will things just be okay.

[morgoyo]

guess ill keep quiet.

Feeling so defeated. Not a thing feels right. Waking up every morning, dreading the day. Only somewhat distracted when with other people. Not one of my friends knows the full extent of what’s going on. 

Everyone around me so sensitive, I have no option but to keep quiet. If I don’t, I’ll inflame them which will only make my thoughts worse.

Just now attempted to vent to a friend but they went off on me. Tried using them as someone to express myself with. As they’ve told me they are there for.  Guess I didn’t read the rulebook...

[morgoyo]

nothing else

I can’t say this is suicidal. Would I attempt to dodge a train? I can’t be sure. I have a wonderful family and a dog that needs me. But every night I lay my head down and I just don’t care.

I want to be done with the hurt. The pain that comes every night. The things I am constantly fighting but can’t talk about.

I often sleep with the pills by my bedside. Doesn’t bother me. Why should it you?

I know my worth. I know I contribute to the worth of others. But what if that’s all there is? What if I never feel my worth? Is this all just selfish? but truly, How might it be selfish if we’re all just living for survival anyway? What if my survival is death...

[morgoyo]

take this.

You have presented me with great challenges that brought great opportunity. Covered head-to-toe in the things I cannot let go. I revel in Your mercy and I seek Your grace. I let my eyes wander for a season, but they always meet Yours again. I watch my feet as they walk their own path. You call my name and I freeze in my tracks, suddenly recognizing what has become of me. My feeling of Your absentness was skewed. When You were right behind me, watching my every step. So, I come to You now with a heavy heart and a strong plea. Lord, take these burdens away from me.

[morgoyo]

quench not the spirit.

Some days just feel more spiritual than others. I have recognized this in me and I realized that it all has to do with where my heart is.  This last Sunday, I went to church feeling the same way I always do; panicky over finding an outfit, too much coffee in my veins, but ready to worship. I pulled up, walked in, greeted a few people, and found my seat. When worship began, I had to force myself to focus on the words, not the people or my appearance. I had to put myself in the mindset that abandoned the idea that I could fix whatever might be wrong with my posture, outfit, facial expression, and voice. For the first time in a long time, I sang. As soon as I did, I began choking up. I felt a tightness in my chest and in my throat was weak, quivering my voice. I stopped singing to take a moment to choke back my tears. Successfully restoring my presentation, I attempted to sing again. And just as the Spirit works, relentless in its force, my eyes were watery once again. I took the rest of the time mouthing the words rather than surrendering myself to what was changing me from the inside. After church, I went home and immediately, without much thinking, put on a sermon my brother preached a few weeks ago. My mom had given me the link but I didn’t do anything with it for a while. There was truly never a better time than that moment to listen to it.  As I had just spent all morning forcing back tears and attempting to uphold an appearance of put-togetherness, I was sobbing over this sermon. “Quench not the spirit,” was the verse that stuck in my mind(1 Thess. 5:19). Conviction washed over me as I listened to the dangers of keeping the Holy Spirit from working in your life, even in the seemingly smallest moments.  My brother’s words rang in my ears for the rest of the day, rightfully so. I NEEDED that. I needed time alone to reflect on what I was running from. I needed to look at my own heart and determine what the purpose of having it in the right place was if I wasn’t going to let the Spirit work in me. I needed to take it a step further and abandon my worries, because the work done in me is far more precious than keeping a reputation with man. 

[morgoyo]

the impersonation of clarity

I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to try something new and it had to work because, well, it was the one thing I hadn’t tried.  I was wrong. I failed...again. I got to thinking if whether it was a fault of others, my own, or simply situational. I realized that it may be none or all of those things at once. A lightbulb in my head went on and I recognized in myself something huge. My biggest problem in all of my adult life has always been the same. It’s pressing and nagging and the attempt to uncover it tears me to shreds. I never gave up trying to diagnose the issue to find the answer, though, I never found the answer. The answer was given to me the other day.  Without realizing, I put on a disguise in order to match the needs and desires of others. This force I put myself through makes me tired and unable to fully reciprocate. I have some deep-rooted inclination to make other people happy, despite what I may need. I subconsciously put myself in a mindset that implies I owe them something, thus, I try to replicate what they give me, emotionally. This only ever lasts for a little while because it is not genuine. I do not recognize the falsehood of my actions, causing me to hurt both myself and them. 

[morgoyo]

not everything is in God’s plan

It’s scary to see how much turmoil you put yourself through just because you wouldn’t let go of something.  I had something in my life that caused distraction and misdirection. I lost myself in it and couldn’t remember who or what I was prior to it entering my life. How terrifying is it to realize, all that pain and confusion could have left you months ago? I truly feel like a fool for not recognizing the weight in my life, brought on by something that was shiny in appearance.  Potentially a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

My trusting self has gotten me in far more trouble than I’d like to admit. Perhaps God wrote this into His plan. Perhaps this was something I was meant to go through. Maybe I was supposed to lose myself to find who I am again. Only this time, rooted in Him.

[morgoyo]

is this a control thing?

Choosing not to live in fear is huge. I have deep compulsion to subject myself to my own terror. Constantly. I continue reminding myself that is no way to live, yet I keep doing it. Why? Is it a subconscious need to be in control, or contrary to what I think; does it represent the total lack of self-control?

[morgoyo]

my self-correction

Walking up the steps, losing your breath. Getting dizzy from standing too long. The headaches come more often than go. Nausea sets in every morning and every night. You begin to avoid driving in fear of passing out. Your only meals are coffee and sugar free gum. You’re weak and bruising easier.

The pit in your stomach can’t be hunger anymore, it feels different now. It is and always has been something different.

Purposely fasting for 48 hours at a time. You are punishing yourself. For not being good enough, for others, for yourself, for God.  You are trying to prove to yourself that you still have control. At least over something. You are attempting to make up for your countless failures by setting a goal for yourself and reaching it. You are creating a reality for yourself. A subjectively worse one, but at least it is something you created. You are changing yourself into a different you. Yet in all of this, you’re still failing in the way that you don’t feel any different. So, you try harder.

To hell and back, they say... well, I haven’t gotten back.

[morgoyo]

the sentiment my grief aches.

There is a consistent sadness in me. I know not where it comes from, nor how long it’s been. Unable to make a likeness of such condition. I am swallowed by perplexity. No place to go and no mind to fill. Present, yet removed. How can it be? - Never mind. An internal fracas seeks to find its kin. It will soon procure its deepest tug for affinity. Thus, let it be what it may. I shall be content with all that becomes.

[morgoyo]

i am careless

It was a quick decision, left for dead by my careful consideration. My haste brought personal frustration and, ultimately, did not relieve me of the pain I intended to rid of. I am young-minded and naïve. Neither of which will excuse me of such behavior. I am careless and full of rebellion.

[morgoyo]

no longer searching.

Something on my heart and something on my mind. I cannot open my eyes any wider. That would not make me any less blind.

My view is obstructed. I know things are there, only, I cannot see them. No matter. This surplus of thoughts take me- I'm abducted.

What to do now. Will my continuous search for answers be fruitful? There may be things I need to avow.

I will close my eyes. I will bow my head. He will hear my cries. He will keep me fed. This I know. It is time I let go.

[morgoyo]

there is nothing poetic about this.

I have lied and I have been a liar. “Have been” is hardly past tense. My heart is so far from where it should be. The things I thought were in the past are creeping back to me.

Once additions were made in my life, I began keeping the full truth to myself, attempting to spare feelings. I tried to balance things as they were without heeding to the inevitable change that would come. And, in this, I wasn’t honest.

I realize, now, why I so often feel as though I have nobody to talk to. I feel lonely because I isolate myself. I withhold the truth because it is messy. And people don’t like messy. I fear I will grow to be unsightly, vile, and unlovable.

I have been living a lie that I set up for myself. I want to change it all. But I’m scared. I am scared that if I attempt to change whatever this is, that I’ll cause a catastrophe in which I will be forced to clean up on my own. And, in doing this, I am going to hurt people. I have been lying to people I love and I cannot come to grips with what I’ve become. What possessed me to believe things would all be okay? I am crippled by a fear that I have brought upon myself. How can I be so unprepared for something I caused? I am the epitome of pitiful.

[morgoyo]

where i’m at.

To be real, I am a little lost. Things around me aren’t moving fast, but rather slow. But that’s what is confusing to me. I would better know what to do if things were moving fast, as they always do. This slow pace, however, is deceiving me.  When things are slow, I think they are easier to maintain. I’ve realized recently just how untrue this is. When things come, they come. There is no stopping them and there is no changing them. They just happen. I can confidently say this pace is far more painful to endure. I am not sure what I am learning other than dodging the, specifically, treacherous events. I want to learn more yet I have no motivation. Can you really force yourself to learn?

[morgoyo]

We'd love freedom, but are comfortable captives

At His Feet