morningpages-louise

[morningpages-louise]

February 18, 2020

[morningpages-louise]

February 16, 2020

Thus begins my last week of unemployment. My last day of lounging around all day and sleeping til the wee hours of the night with little regard of its repercussions. I shall spend this week relaxing. Establishing my daily routine, but not following it too strictly, rather leaving space for enjoying. Spending time with loved ones, and doing things knowing I have nothing to worry or fuss over about such as going to a coffee shop for the sole purpose of reading a book and people watching. Oh, how I’d love to do that. Perhaps in the curator? Oh, I’ve always wanted to visit that place and try out their coffee. Another thing I’d really like to do before I start working is visiting school, and just reflecting. Reflecting on the last 5 years I spent on campus. All the memories I made. All the milestones that were set forth. Just being senti, perhaps I can do that on a Friday? I was also thinking of doing it on a Saturday, right after grad practice. But the thing is, as much as possible, I’d like to be alone. We’ll see. As much as possible, I want to watch as many movies as I can. I don’t know, I’m just savoring all the freedom I have right now because I know once work starts, all this free time to dilly dally will be stripped away. The art of doing nothing, I shall try and master that this week. Lol, what the hell am I saying? Me? Staying put? Impossible. If I don’t have a solid task placed on my lap from work or school, I’d literally make one like what I’m doing rn, studying my This is Marketing book so intensively. Lol, what is leisure reading? But yes, apart from enjoying my free time this week, I’ll also be leaving Cebu soon. In T-minus 48 hours. Cebu makes doing nothing so conducive. I love and hate it. I love it for the first day or so, but after a while, it just gets boring and stale - doing nothing all day long. That’s why whenever I’m here, I get so bored, and I tell myself I can’t wait to be back in Manila. Yet I can’t help but feel sad whenever I’m about to leave. The comfort of being at home is unparalleled. And I will miss these simple pleasures when I’m back being independent in Manila.

[morningpages-louise]

February 11, 2020

[morningpages-louise]

February 10, 2020

Immense gratitude. Alluring comfort. Sweet content and bliss. These are feelings imbibing within me. What can you say, is this the post-surgery glow they speak of? A wave of gratitude is just flowing within me, and I’m floating through the waves~ I’ve spoken countless times of how grateful I am that my surgery went by smoothly, and I received waves of support and concern from friends, family and loved ones. This right here is a good headspace. Right now, some of the things I’m looking forward to is watching looking for Alaska, getting educated on marketing, basking under the sunlight glow. Simple pleasures that I will enjoy and revel in. This is my week of rest and relaxation, and I shall waste no minute. So yes, just positive thoughts floating by~

[morningpages-louise]

January 19, 2020

It’s a brand new week - one full of possibilities. But to be honest, I feel lost. Mood swings keep coming by me. Feelings of hatred. Feelings of self doubt. Feelings of anxiety. Feelings of confusion. I feel like it’s because I have a lot of unresolved feelings that I need to sort out, but I keep avoiding because of how uncomfortable it is. 

I guess to start, I’m still recovering from all the negativity and toxicity that I experienced when I fought with my friends. I’m still really hurt by everything that transpired, and I have yet to recieve an acceptable apology or atleast hints of regret for what they’ve done to me, but like the podcast said, you can’t expect people to apologize to you. You just can’t, because they don’t even realize what theyve done to you, and how it’s impacted you. Thoughts like that, when they come around, it makes me even angrier. Why can’t these people realize what they’ve done. It angers me because they continue leading their lives without seeing the damage they’ve placed on me. It’s frustrating. Everyone will tell you, leave them alone, be the bigger person. But it’s difficult. I need to let go of this anger, because it just isn’t placing me in peace. I can’t feel peace if I keep feeling this way towards them. 

The other side of the coin of why I’ve been feeling so down is because I can’t help but feel like i’m behind compared to all my friends. I know I need to calm down, I have just graduated after all, yet I can’t help but compare myself with everyone around me. I know it’s not a race, but it sure feels like it and its giving me waves of anxiety. It makes me feel lonely because everyone around me is getting jobs. I know i need to be patient. I know it will eventually come. I know it, but it’s a different thing to truly understand it. You know what im saying? I don’t know. I feel so sick of relaying my thoughts sometimes. It just feels like im letting the same bullshit out, and I’m not even learning from what I’m saying. I just get waves of sadness and loneliness every day. I guess its because I was so used to working every single day back in September til December so I never really had to confront my thoughts. But now that I have so much free time, it’s just me and my anxiety-ridden thoughts. It’s such a mess up there, and it’s hard for me to make sense of it all. But i feel such a heavy burden. I really do.

[morningpages-louise]

January 16, 2020

Anxiety over finding a job - my current predicament. I keep repeating this to myself, i know this is no race. Finding the right job, a job that I will thoroughly enjoy and can grow from, takes time. I know it. All i have to do is look at everyone around me whose graduated before me, it took them some time to find a job as well. So why do I feel so anxious? Im constantly checking linkedin, facebook groups for job posts. It’s pathetic and I don’t know why I’m so anxious. It worries me that no one has read any of the emails i sent out. I’m just scared of behing behind i guess, which is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I need to get out of this mindset, because it’s a normal predicament. It’s a normal feeling, and I am more than capable. I know it. I’m hardworking. I’m diligent. I’m brimming with creativity and writing flair. I should honestly enjoy this time. All this free time because when am I ever going to have this much time to myself? I should spend this time reflecting on what i’ve done, and where i’m going. We spend all our lives working towards goals, and sometimes we’re not even sure what we’re working towards exactly, we just do it like trained monkeys because it’s the only way we know how to function. But wouldnt it have been helpful if we were given a month, or maybe a few months to stop, and reflect on where we’re going from here? Whether we’re going on the right path. I mean we’re going to be working for the rest of our lives - til we die so why not enjoy this time right now? God my anxiety is fucking going ham. Hassle hahaha fuck you anxiety im gonna beat your little shit ass because im stronger than this. I really am. No more self doubting. Just work. Work work work.

[morningpages-louise]

December 23, 2019 - 2020 Intentions

My intentions for 2020. It’s in 8 days. How crazy. Looking back at 2019, it made me realize how toxic I can be. How inconsiderate, selfish and full of ego my being can be. And I feel like I’ve always known and been aware of these toxic traits of mine, but I would never confront it. I’d never sit down and reflect on it cause I didn’t want to think that I could be so horribly bad. But after losing friends, I feel the need to finally confront and change my ways. I can no longer continue operating business as usual unless I’d like to feel empty inside. This 2020 my intentions are just to become a genuinely kind and authentic person. Someone who does things not because it’ll benefit myself but because it’s the right thing to do. Someone who takes into consideration other people’s feelings and emotions before acting. Someone whose humble, and doesn’t see herself above or below anyone, but sees everyone on the same level. I just want to be inherently good. Not for what other people might think of me, but for myself and for the people I love. I know it may be a vague intention, but that’s what I have for now. Another intention of mine is to be more open minded, and willing to try new things. Life is a journey of self discovery after all, and I should stop letting the fear of looking stupid stop me from doing anything. I feel like that’s one of my strongest preventers. The thought of how stupid or awkward I’d look. It’s the number one thing that stops me from doing anything. I need to be more open, like an open book. More carefree. Less thinking, more doing. I want to escape my mind. Escape the constant worrying and overthinking. I just want to be free. Lastly, I want to be able to believe in myself more. My self esteem has always been something I’ve struggled with. It affects my relationships. It affects my actions, and sometimes even my work ethic. I want to build more confidence to do things, and connect with people. I’m pondering on how I can do just that - building confidence. But it’s something I’m really working on as I can be quite shy. So let’s just leave it at those three because those are the priority intentions for 2020. For the new decade. Insane. Other things I’d like to observe more of would be to connect and cultivate more personal relationships over the year. Find more ways to genuinely bond with someone. Get creative and put more effort into telling someone how you really feel about them, how grateful you are for them, etc. For me, personally, relationships are the most important things in life. Because their worth has no price. I would literally choose being broke but having meaningful relationships over being successful but feeling empty inside, of course I wish to achieve both. Relationships are something I value, and I think it’s time I show it more. I think those four are quite good in themselves. Of course I’d like to add more, but I think it’s best to focus on a few. But honestly, number one on the list is just to be kind. A year of kindness. A year of connection. A year of open-ess. That’s what I’d like to achieve. 

It’s currently 11:26. I’ve already had my lunch. I’m done with school, or at least with my academics. Now all I have to work on is clearing my record for graduation. I’m in a state of transition. I wish to utilize this break to the best of my capabilities. Getting into a routine. One that consists of mindfulness through yoga and meditation. One that gets me to connect with myself through journaling. One that gets me to gain knowledge through reading, podcasts, documentaries and the like. I want to get into a consistent yoga and meditation practice. I want to reflect more through journaling. I want to gain more knowledge through reading and watching documentaries. I want to create more through finally editing my 2019 videos, and writing about the year that was. I also want to create more photographs. It’s a hobby I wish to pursue and get better at. My hobby of choice. Of course I wish to consistently improve my writing. Maybe I can take a few short courses here and there. I just wish these 2 weeks to be a retreat of some sort, a retreat of being able to improve myself and become a better version of myself. I know you can’t quite do that in the span of 2 weeks, and that it will take a lifetime to truly become the person you envision yourself becoming,  but trying is better than not having tried at all, therefore I will strive for it. Personal growth. Always fun. Cheers to a new chapter, and a new decade in this lifetime!

[morningpages-louise]

November 06, 2019

It’s been a while since ive morning pages.. Im sitting in my couch, looking across the window where swaying trees and a blue, cloudless sky paint the backdrop. Im trying to sound eloquent with my writing because it’s been so long, and i feel the need to excercise how i weave words because its been a hell of a long time, and i miss the feeling of weaving words together and creating something thought provoking, poetic and meaningful. Ive literally just been spending the last few hours reading random articles just to get back into the flow and get inspired. Not too long ago, i wanted to be a journalist. A writer. Dont get me wrong, i still very much do but my mind is riddled with anxieties and feelings of being not good enough. A lot has been on my mind lately which is why i feel the need to dump it all out so i can work efficiently over the next few hours. In fact, i don’t plan on sleeping tonight. I plan on being an efficient mother fucker cause my thesis is due very, very soon. Where do i start? So much has happened. Ive fallen in love. Ive cut out friends who deemed me as toxic out of my life. I also had another misunderstanding with another friend of mine. Having double thoughts about my morality. Ive just been feeling very low energy. And it’s because of everything that’s transpired over the past few days. Although im working on fixing it. Working on being a better person for others. Working to my best abilities. Hopefully, thesis will get my mind off these inner issues of mine, but apart from that, im in a pretty good fucking place. I have more friends than enemies. I have a loving boy. Supportive parents. Every material thing i could possibly need. A great condo, although not such a good roomate. And a lot of free time. So i need to focus on what i have instead of what i dont. God im getting sleepy. My mind just needs to wire up. Get in that state of flow so we can start rolling. And for that to happen, i must achieve full concentration by doing tasks that get me lost in the process of doing it. Im so sleepy.

[morningpages-louise]

October 02, 2019

It feels like a really lazy day. It’s a Wednesday. October 2. Oh Hey there October, you’ve been.. good. Yesterday was a really good day. I was in full throttle. I had lunch with Nikka. I bought a few things I had been meaning to. Went grocery shopping. Went to work, and because it wasn’t too busy, I was able to send emails. Retrieved something I had left earlier at in Refinery. There was a lot of walking involved yesterday. And so when I passed out last night, I didn’t expect to fall in such a deep sleep. I ended up waking up at 11 today, and if it weren’t for my mother, I probabl would’ve woken up much later. Ive been enjoying looking at my face. My forehead has never been so clear. Skinscare solutions really work wonders when you keep at it. Ofcourse Im not exactly flawless. I have one growing pimple on my cheek, but I’m praying it subsides with the help of my gel. But yeah. Im just living you know. Feeling really blah. Feeling really tired, and I think its because my nap was somewhat bitin. My “nap” hahaha wait I feel the need to shit brb - okay I’m done hahaha Day 2 without juuling (okay, I sneaked a little one yesterday) and I’m fucking dying man. I mean I feel like its all on the mind but I want so badly to smoke sometimes. I’m going to allow myself to smoke today since friends are coming over. I wont bring my laptop since I’m pretty sure Ill be too busy Accommodating Emy, Abby and Jus. I’m feeling so blah. This coffee isn’t shit. I’m gonna keep this short and sweet because well honey, it’s 2:30 and I have yet to start on my work, so toodaloo.

[morningpages-louise]

October 01, 2019

Good morning October. My birth month. The 3rd to the last month of the year. How time flies. October has always been a month full of festivities. Apart from my birthday, and halloween, there’s just so many parties. This October in particular feels quite eventful. This week itself holds so many birthdays. I feel the Libra energy, and it’s strong. Apart from that, a bunch of friends are heading back to the Metro. Steph, Nathan, Ania <3 Yeah that’s it but still HAHAH I feel really grateful because I’m surrounded with so much love and support. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders now that my parents know about my job. I love that I don’t have to lie around them anymore. At the same time I was inviting my friends for my birthday lunch this Sunday, and I might have invited too much people.. 20 to be exact, but it made me realize how fruitful my friendships are that I can call these 20 people my closest friends - people who’ve been there for me throughout, providing support at my lowest moments. And so even if I may feel guilty about inviting so much people, I feel grateful that I can share my blessings and be able to celebrate 22 years of existence with 20 people, dude I should just invite 22 people HAHAHA today’s plan is to head to Rockwell for some lunch with Nikka. I’m scared because it’s so hot outside. Not a single cloud in sight so wish me luck. After that, I’ll do a bit of shopping for the big 22, and then ill go grocery shopping. I’ll try to squeeze in a bit of work after that. So difficult. But manageable. I’m grateful. I feel love. Now if only my health would get better… I’m committing to a week of no juuling. May just be placebo effect but I already feel like my lungs are a little bit clearer. I’m also trying to be sober this whole week, but I’m not quite sure about the weekend. It depends on my doctors appointment this Friday if the diagnosis is all well. But yeah, I’m looking forward to celebrating my birthday week with the people I love. All is swell, all is swell.

[morningpages-louise]

September 16, 2019

We are all slaves to social media, and it is sickening. Just like the amount of vapour that has accumulated in my lungs from juuling, making it difficult to breathe. And this affects me the most as I’m meditating. My breaths are so shallow. I’m scared to breathe too hard because it may hurt. I’ve been 4 days clean, but I don’t intend on quitting forever. Is this addiction? I just intend to use it less. And that starts with taking a one week break from it. That’s the goal - a week. I love the nicotine rush you get from it, but I love living way more, and so I choose to live. Anyways, today was the first day I decided to join Mindful Mondays - a challenge created by Tabitha, a yoga teacher I’ve been following around for a while now that wishes to help us start our Mondays with clarity and mindfulness. The first step? Deleting your favourite social media application from your phone. For me, that’s Instagram. I deleted it last night because like juuling, I felt so sickened by it. I’m so addicted. So addicted to checking all the stories and photos, and it eats up so much time, and like I legitimately don’t care about half the things that are posted on there. I’m thinking of not just making this a Monday thing, although its a good place to start. Eventually, I just want  delete it every night. That would stop me from checking on it every damn 1st thing in the morning. And then yeah, ideally id like to download it till the end of the day, but we’ll see. But yeah, I think ill do that today. Download it for the night, around 9PM so it truly is 24 hours and then delete it after one or 2 hours so when I wake up tomorrow it’s not the first thing I check. Because another part of my mindful challenge is to not check your phone til’ after you eat breakfast, which I actually failed. Waking up this morning felt so unsettling. I usually go right in on instagram, and mindlessly look through stories that have accumulated the past few hours even if I’m half asleep. But since I deleted it and vowed not to check it, it felt weird. I didn’t know what to do with my time. So I opened up my phone and checked my email, which lets face it fits probably the least harmful social media especially since I didn’t open up any work emails. I simply opened Tabitha’s message which contained a 5 minute meditation which I decided to try out, and that’s when I started noticing my breathe. The goal of mindful Mondays is to start your day with more clarity and more intention, and I hope to be able to do that as the days pass by. It’s actually my last day here in Cebu which is insane. Tomorrow, I head back to Manila, fucking weird. Back to reality :’( I will not forget all the lessons, and memories I’ve made in Siargao these past few weeks, as well as the people I’ve met. But its time to get that diploma. Time to meet new people. Time to head back to that city life. Who knows what awaits me there? I sure as hell know if I stay here, I can’t get much done here. I’m just way too babied here you know. In Manila, I’m wholly independent and when you’re indendent like that, doing your own thing, it kinda rubs on your energy and makes you want to do more. But yeah, today shall be spent easing into the week. Getting work done, and getting back on that grind. I shall enjoy it since it’s my last day here in Cebu. Time to get ready. Goodbye.

[morningpages-louise]

September 15, 2019

Recipe for rebirth - we’re halfway through the month, and it’s the perfect time to pause and reflect. The fact that these 3 weeks flew by so fast makes me want to cry. Too fast. I remember leaving the city and absolutely dreading it.. feeling like there was so much to do in Manila. Feeling like I didn’t want to miss out on any action. And now I’m back to feeling the same way, only it’s me not wanting to head back to Manila. It’s me wishing my vacation we’re a little bit longer. Wishing I had more leisure time at my disposal - days full of free time. But at the same time, I’m excited to head back to the hustle and bustle of it all. Ready to head back to the grind. I forgot what it feels like, and I’m trying to prepare my energy for it. I feel like I’ll dedicate tomorrow to dipping my toes in the water - getting a head start on the week ahead, just so it’s not a complete shock to the system when I head back on Tuesday. Let’s get this started. I can’t deny I’m a bit excited to head back to being independent. To feeding off everyone’s grit and energy. The past week in Siargao has been a dream, and the trip honestly opened up many wounds, wounds that I had thought had been healed, but we’re merely covered, bondaged and made forgotten. I don’t strive for perfection because I know I will never get there. But I do strive to continue to become my best self. To constantly improving myself, and never letting myself plateau through life. Life’s too full of wonder and meaning and adventure for me to be complacent and comfortable. The trip to Siargao has opened a sense of adventure in me that has been Long forgotten. When you stop going on adventures, you forget how they make you feel, so escaping every now and then can feel so fulfilling. Stepping out of your comfort zone is key to making you feeling alive. Little reminders of what it makes you feel. So yeah, I don’t know. Travel also realigns certain things for you. Reframes whats important. I can’t quite explain how special the Siargao trip meant to me. It opened up so many wounds and insecurities, but it also opened up new worlds and wonders for me. Of friendly locals and warm strangers. Of going outside your comfort zone and trying out things that make you uncomfortable. Of different cultures and open minds. I can’t quite explain it but Siargao definitely woke up something in me, and it’s made me want to go solo travelling because I know I can do it. I can maneuver myself through foreign places, and meet friends along the way. I’m now seriously considering spending my birthday in La Union. Or the week before it - learning how to surf. Being one with the waves. Getting really introspective. Some Eat Pray Love shit. lol. But yeah, another thing that has completely got me smitten has been Euphoria - a coming of age series revolving around these highschoolers thats way ahead of its time. Featuring graphic issues like drug abuse, domestic violence, BDSM, slutshaming and all those other nasties with gender fluid characters. The show is literal art. How they shot it. How they blended the music in the scenes. So fucking good. Those were the 2 highlights of my trip - Siargao and Euphoria. I could keep at it in this dream state, but its time to reframe my mind in reality. Time to ease back into thesis mode and getting that degree. And also dipping my toes in the whole barista journey. I had some rest. I had some realizations, and I met some people. Time to get that diploma for real. Mama, Imma make you proud.

[morningpages-louise]

September 13, 2019

That trip was something else. A rollercoaster of emotions. Tensions rised. Moods flared and dipped. Literally everything - I felt it in this trip, and just thinking about everything that went down over the past week makes me want to cry. My insecurity was at an all time high, and also my tendency to overthink. You know you think you’re over something, and it comes back to bite you in the ass. I thought that I was more comfortable with socializing now. Comfortable with myself, but it turns out that isn’t really the case. Throughout the trip, I was overanalyzing everything. It was exhausting. Always worrying. Never living in the moment. Making sure I didn’t piss Yasi off, or seem too annoying to anyone. My self esteem after this trip is at an all time low. It felt horrible constantly feeling ignored. When people would talk to me and Yasi, they’d look at Yasi the whole way - ignoring my whole presence. And it’s not Yasi’s fault, there’s just something about her that attracts people, makes them drawn to her. I just felt so invisible and unattractive, like I wasn’t worth anyones time or eyes, and maybe I drew some of that negative energy and put it on Yasi, and I’m sorry for that, but it just felt so horrible. Apart from that, I was constantly scared that me and Yasi’s expiration was looming. And because I was overthinking that it just made me really conscious around her and unable to truly live and enjoy the moment. It felt so bad. I was so annoyed by her bossy attitude, and go-go-go energy. It really pissed me off. I felt like I was bad energy, but man we just didn’t get along, and I know this from the last time we travelled to coron. Yasi’s great in her own way, as a friend you have deep talks with, as someone you study with, but travelling with her is a whole different story. I will not do it again. Lol. I just felt so shitty about myself, and I feel like I have to balance back My chakra’s now - work on realigning them and grounding because man I just feel like shit. I feel so blah. Feeling very exhausted after all those early mornings and late nights. I’m glad its over. I’m glad I’m coming home. I need a break.

[morningpages-louise]

September 08, 2019

Yo, so I’m in Siargao again hahaha it’s way too fucking early man. I literally have had four hours of sleep so I m hella tired. :’( I just wanna lie down and nap but nah man. I wish there was a hammock here or something. I don’t know how to feel about being back. I should appreciate this. I do appreciate this. Using my laptop, all decked out in the beach. Calm seascape before me, sea breeze blowing before me. But I’m just way too tired. I need more sleep hahaha I think there’s something about the beach that makes you nicer. I’m saying this because everyone is so friendly here. Smiling faces, greetings from strangers. You don’t see much of this in the city. Time seems to slow down when your in the province. I was really excited for this trip, but things have changed. First, Alfonso backed out which lets face it, I honestly kind of expected hahaha but then Allene backed out just yesterday, her moms been in a coma since Tuesday which is probably the worst thing ever, and it couldn’t have been worst timing. My heart and prayers go out to Allene and her family. Yesterday, she was seeking advice whether she should still come. Her heart was torn, but it just isn’t right. I imagine if I were in the same situation, I would feel so damn guilty if I went. Guilty to the point I couldn’t enjoy, and so I completely understand her situation. Man I wish I was just wearing my swimsuit right now, it’s fucking hot hahaha I feel my face melting. I kind of want to surf or something. There’s not much else to do here. Time seems to slow down. Ofcourse I’m still quite excited for the days to come. At least I’m not alone right? I’m with Yasi, and if I were alone then its the perfect time to tune into my thoughts, and get creative. Seek inspiration. Ready myself for the hectic life that awaits me once I step back in the city. But I fucking love it. The hustle and bustle. I live for it. It’s where I thrive. But I guess this quietness is good as well. It’s the perfect time to tune into my thoughts. Recenter myself. Soul searching and what not. I guess this is what this week is all about. Centering myself. Being open to new experiences. Being open to meeting new souls. Openness is key this weekend. I’m still excited, and I’m grateful for this opportunity, especially with all the hecticness that I’ve faced in the past month. I guess you can say this is the calm before the storm. The perfect way to begin the last quarter of 2019 - simply one of the best years I’ve been fortunate to live through. It’s all about perspective right? And I’m grateful. And I’m happy to go back to the roots packed with the bare necessities and simple pleasures of life. How lucky and fortunate I am to be here. To be able to centre and ground myself in one of the best islands the Philippines has to offer. Because who knows, this time next year I may find myself in complete different surroundings. I will always remember this trip. Probably one of my last trips as a 21 year old. I’m trying not to get too dark this time because I’m already pretty tan right now hahaha Here’s to a week of new experiences, stepping out of my comfort zone, and most importantly reflecting. I hope to be able to create as well. Whether that be through my writing, through photography, or maybe even a film or two. I’m currently in the works of creating a siargao film. A simple video filled with short vignettes and stills of Siargao, through my eyes. I hope to explore Siargao beyond the touristy areas that permeate it. I hope to be able to see a different side of Siargao that people don’t normally see. This will be a trip to remember. I just know it.

[morningpages-louise]

September 06, 2019

Okay, I have a month of being 21 left. Then the big 22. I hate how I’m sort of making my birthday a big deal. I hate doing that because then I end up having huge expectations for my birthday, and when it disappoints, I get sad. But I’m pretty sure I’ve moved past that phase. After all, receiving gifts is no longer my love language. I’m not expecting any surprises or extra shenanigans from my friends just cause I haven’t exactly exerted any effort on any of my own friends, all I ask for is love and companionship and I’m good. I want to do something different for my birthday though. A thought of visiting a cancer home came to me just because I fucking hate cancer, and I’d love to give back somehow, but I don’t want to hold a party for them because there are issues with that dba? Providing temporary hope and what not. I don’t know, but I’m kind of over the usual dinners out. I’d love something more intimate. Wine night. With my closest friends. Most probably ill just have dinner and invite my closest and fewest friends - Kris, Kathy, Kirsten, Alliyah, Sheena, Krizia, Char, Yasi. Lol okay that’s a lot. It’s hard when I have so many different groups. I just want to invite everyone :( Okay fine maybe ill just do kris, Kathy and kirsten. Alliyah wont be home anyways most probably. Ill have dinner in Your Local or something. Or some equally swanky restaurant that doesn’t cost so much. 12/10 but from what I’ve heard its quite expensive. Toyo? Wait lang lol. Ill check. I hate how my birthday is on sunday. How the fuck we gonna get down lol maybe ill have lunch with my friends somewhere. Ugh I don’t know. Brunch, lunch, why cant I do something fun? Like beach house or something. Lol walling budget man. I’d love a picnic. But yeah anyways, why am I so wrapped up in my birthday, I have a month more of making 21 the best year ever. So many good memories, and the memories don’t stop here. Can’t wait for my Siargao trip in 2 days. Crazy. That’s why I’ve decided to stay home today. Ever since I got back from Siargao on Monday, I’ve been forcing myself to be out and that just hasn’t allowed me to get any work done whatsoever. So today, I’m chilling in my humblest abode. With my mufferino and candelaria. I’d love to have a dip in the pool, and just float. Book in hand. Real estate vibes playing in the background. But this will do I guess. I don’t spend enough time here at home. Staying at home is definitely underrated. It’s crazy but I’ve been feeling so extroverted lately. Like so talkative, so chatty, so out there. And I fucking love it. How I have no shame and everything. Im definitely not a full on extrovert, but I do find myself craving company every now and then to function right. But honestly I don’t think anyone can be a full on extrovert and a full on introvert. Im sure the most extroverted people need alone time to function right as well. But yeah, it will be a chill day today, I shall wear no layers because Cebu is hot. The Philippines is hot. I have yet to fully recover from my horrible sun burn which has left my face with an uneven tan. I love being home with my puppies. They give me a reason to wake up and get out of bed, legit. I love seeing their happy little excited faces to see me. You’d wish people would be that excited to see you awake and alive. But yeah. 1 month of being 21. Let’s do this. Let’s make 21 one for the books. And let’s keep this extroverted, radiant, positive energy alive. I definitely feel my crystals working. And I fucking love it.

[morningpages-louise]

September 04, 2019

I’m all decked out in my bed, in my childhood room, with my childhood sheets, surrounded by memorabilia that takes me back to the good old days, or are these the good ol days? This exact moment I’m living in right now. I can’t help but feel so content. Summer vacation and whateva, even though I have a million things on my plate (slight exaggeration lol) but I don’t know, I’m in a great place. I’m comfortable with who I am, for the most part. I’m surrounded by loving friends and family, and at the same time I feel like I have so much love to give out. I’m excited for life and all the opportunities knocking at my door. I’m just so content, and I know I shall not rest, because it’s when we become complacent that we stop growing. What I wish I had more of now is time - I love spending my time with loved ones, but there’s work that needs to be done. There’s books that are waiting to be read, and movies that have been put off for too long. I hate how I can’t exactly turn off this nagging feeling in the back of my head, telling me what to do but it’s okay. It gets shit done. I just need to remember to relax, and be in the moment. Take in these seemingly non special moments because these will be the days we’ll look back with fondness. To be young and alive. What a treat. In other news, I can’t believe I’m turning 22. This is never gonna get any easier huh. I’m just gonna feel so much older from here on out. Nooooo. Looking back at 21, I can’t help but feel like I’ve come full circle. I’ve experienced so much. I got my first internships. Experienced what it’s like to have flings, not once but twice, maybe even thrice. I embraced my extroverted self, I got a job as a fucking server/bartender in a bar? Wait whaaaat. Hahaha. 21 was sick. I can’t wait to see how much I grow as a person this 22. I’m so fucking grateful. What a trip it is to discover yourself in this big and beautiful world. 22 you’re going to be sick. You’re going to be so sick. I will make it bomb. Self discovery and all. I love you. Let’s get this bread. Let’s revel in the cosmic energies. I’m definitely feeling this new moon.

[morningpages-louise]

September 01, 2019

Hey there September  How the fuck is it already the ber months, how time flies.. currently, I’m lounging on a very comfortable bed, wind blowing against my face, AirPods playing real estate in and fresh air surrounding me. God it feels good to be out in nature. To be placed in the province, stripped off all the extra ness that cities have. What you’re left with instead are the basic essentials. And with less distractions comes more focus. More clarity. More time to focus and shift your perspective on the things that truly matter. Family, friendship, love, gratitude. And what not. You’re left with more time to ponder. More time to reflect. No wonder so many artists and writers choose to escape the mayhem of the city - it can be so rejuvenating for the soul. And god it feels good to live the island life for a while. After months of non-stop action (legit, ever since this year started) it feels amazing to be able to get a full 8 hours of sleep, to breathe in some fresh air, to have nothing on the agenda but to bask in nature’s glory and relax. How grateful I am to be able to do this. And I have 2 more weeks as well to do so, so I might as well enjoy myself. Nevertheless, it’s September. September 1 to be exact. A new month. What do I wish for this month? To relax, and refuel so I’ll be able to end this year strong. Last stretch of 2019, let’s get this. God what an amazing, amazing year. To learn, and put good use to my free time - That is learn more on the art of bartending so I’ll be able to come to Ms. Gee somewhat prepared. To be productive - when it comes to my thesis. I don’t expect full productivity levels because he’ll, I’m on vacation after all, but I do wish to make baby steps on my thesis. Transcribing. Finalizing outputs. And what not. To start on my habits once again. Every month, I set out to do my habits, but the longer I do them, the less motivated I become because it just feels like something I have to tick off the box and not something I should do because it nurtured my soul. And so I don’t want to be too strict with my habits. I don’t want to set out to do them everyday because then it will just feel like a chore. I’ll do these habits when I feel like it. Of course it’s recommended I do it everyday, but if I simply don’t have the time to do so or I’m just not feeling in the right state of mind, then I won’t force myself. So yoga, meditation, morning thoughts, reading and daily gratitude and 1SE a day, I’ll do it when I please. I won’t track it. I’ll simply keep it in my head, and do it when the need to come back to myself emerges. So yeah, September - as Adrienne says, a rebirth. A way to start anew and kick off this last trimester of 2019 strong. I can’t wait for what you have to unfold September. You’re already starting so great. And for that, I am grateful.