morphone

[morphone]

beehive violin | source

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[morphone]

being an older sibling is like. you've never known a life without me. mom yelled at me and it taught her she never wanted to yell at you. I painted my room purple and grey and then you did too. we live in the same house but I haven't spoken to you in months. I don't know your favorite color. I saw it was going to rain so I picked you up from school on my way home so your books wouldn't get wet. i was so worried when you woke up sick when you were three. you don't remember being sick. mom and dad made their worst mistakes with me and I'm glad they didn't make them with you. I'm doing everything for the first time so you won't be in the dark. I don't know any of your friend's names anymore. I used to know them all. if something happens to mom and dad you won't have to worry because everything will fall to me. you don't like to be home alone but even if you don't see me just knowing I'm there makes you feel better. at least that's what mom told me. you still give me jars to open for you because you can't quite get them. I only see you during dinner. i'd never even think about missing one of your concerts. I stand at the counter when I eat and now you do, too. when offered a selection of books you picked the same one I did when i was your age. I'm terrified you compare yourself to me. I love you. I don't know if you like me. I want you to. mom says dinner's ready

#Ah.

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— sumaya e

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Perhaps a child failed by their parents has their own failure ordained.

original writing by @traumacure | do not repost

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richard siken, clementine von radics

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"im mentally ill im disabled i cant be ableist!" Thats so cool!!!! how do you feel about addicts?

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whenever people look down on me for not being a fully "functional" human being by society's standards i try to remind myself that if they were in my shoes they would have shot themselves in the head by now

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#I had a cousin see mine and desperately beg his caregivers for one Just Like Mine. #I only knew this fact as the caregivers told the bodies mother shortly after I left. #It's terrible for the ego. I should not have been told. My confidence is HORRIFICALLY high

[morphone]

steps to healing:

1. Accept it will not be easy

2. Stop doing cocaine

3. Learn to be gentler to the suffering child inside your heart

[morphone]

Oops! You just touched a bad texture! 1000 years of blood and anguish

#Nearly died today. from attempting to swallow lukewarm water. kept gagging for ages.

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[morphone]

A Book of Insects. Written by Charles Paul May. Illustrated by John Crosby. 1972.

#Save

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⚗️

#... Worst case scenario‚ if this doesn't work? #Truly? #I can almost guarantee that my body cannot handle much more of what I'm doing to it. #Might not be as painless as what I'm doing now - where... endless opioids‚ sedatives‚ and other pain killers+alcohol+depressants are. #Very. very available. #But. Ultimately? #With how poor my health is... and how much abuse I put it through. #There isn't much time left‚ I don't think. #I just. I'm tired‚ y'know? God... I am tired. So... so‚ so very tired. #More than anything. With how. Truly alone I am. With how I've never experienced... warmth. happiness. joy. #The pain of declining health is worth the fact that I can finally escape this shit. #I don't like to. Be Vulnerable. to vent in this way. #But... more than anything? I. I really... want to leave behind traces of my shitty existence. I want some piece of me to remain online‚— #— after I die. That. somewhere‚ in the history of Every Tumblr And Vent Post‚ I existed in the data. My words... existed‚ here. #Even after I die. I'll have. some part of me remaining. That. maybe. after I'm dead‚ someone will know that I once existed. #That I lived in isolation. That I turned out this way due to a lifetime of nothing but torture and suffering. #I can't imagine that I'll ever have that happen‚ in reality. I'm aware that I'll be alone‚ even in death‚ for eternity. #But it's a comforting lie that helps. especially when I'm in a situation like this. #When I'm… Alone. When I've lost all hope of anything ever getting even the slightest bit better. The lie of existing in death is comforting. #The lie that. maybe. just maybe‚ in death‚ I'll have. someone. someone in this world think of me‚ when I'm decaying endlessly. #It's a harmless lie. #I'm alone. I will always be alone. I will never escape this solitude unless I finally die and there will never be a soul that knew of this— #shit life. #Hilarious. hilarious how such atrocities that have been committed against this body go unpunished while I decay and decay and decay. #Very very very very funny. very funny.

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Incredible.

#I've been in an endless spiral. I don't think I've ever... been. in such a horrific situation before‚ truth be told. #I am isolating myself 100%. I got rid of everybody who could ever contact me. I am Entirely Alone. #Funny. You get traumatised as a child by being forcefully isolated in a small room for 12 years‚ and then you just. #Willingly do it. #Because it's comfortable now. Because it's all that you know. Because you cannot grieve or yearn for that which you have never known. #I am alone I will be alone I have always been alone and I will die alone. #I have an incredible opportunity tonight. Don't want to waste it. But I feel... #I don't know. #I feel like I have to document that I was once alive‚ every time that I'm likely to finally die. #That I lived. Even if it was within four walls the entire time‚ having never known love attachment or warmth. #That. despite the drug addicted junkie antisocial piece of shit that I became — there was still the tortured child there‚ long ago. #That it lived. That it died. #That's all. I felt like putting this in a place where. I have kept a journal for ages. #I lived. I was alive.